Guess I am just a bitter ass old man....

Do not ask me to explain it or why.  Most of you already knew I am sure.  Maybe I am just coming to grips with it, but I am just one bitter ass old man.  Am I mad at the world?  Myself?  I have no clue, but I can tell you one thing for sure I am sick of it!  Sure the world has turned its back on me, but after all who in the hell am I in the grand scheme of things?  Getting nothing more than I deserve most of you would say I am sure.

It is time to be loved or hated, because the worst thing a person can be is forgotten.

So before I go all Ron White of the blog world and get all truthful on your ass, here is an update on my weekend for those of you who some how find my life remotely interesting for some reason.  I know I sure in the hell don't!

On Friday we took Little Miss out for an early birthday.  We went with Pops and Turbo to lunch and the movies to see Shrek 3D.  Nice fun day with the family and a great day to be off of work as I heard horror stories from Monkey and Uncle Shartly about the drive over the hill. (Even though they are both already there!)  Hung out at my mom's for a bit and went home to get some sleep for what should be a long tiring weekend.

Saturday was our anniversary and we got up early to go to Big Willy Style's graduation and party.  Game Time manned the grill as I stayed inside to assist with the food line while the ladies talked.  The MIL was coming out for Little Miss's birthday the next day, so Hunny went home to meet them at the house while I stayed for a while longer to help.  McLovin and Albert hung out with me there for a while before everyone took off to do their own thing that afternoon.  Hunny came and picked me back up and the family went out for a quick bite to eat for dinner.  Nothing over exerting here.  Early to bed, early to rise.

After a good night of sleep Sunday was Little Miss's birthday so I got up and made everyone a big breakfast and After 6 came over to watch the race for a little bit with me and McLovin.  That afternoon we went over to Turbo's for her little party and had some snacks and cake.  The adults talked while the kids were in the backyard playing for most of the day.  Went home and put up her new flat screen TV that Turbo got her for her birthday and she crashed out in front of it soon after.  An hour or so of TV and I went upstairs and did the same in my room.

Monday was a day of twists and turns as we went out to the water to bring the girls out to hang with Turbo.  I talked with a person who owns the restaurant there on the water and she is interested in having me come out and cook for them when they open the place.  Southern style and BBQ food is what they want to do, and that is something that I enjoy doing.  So maybe in the near future you might find me getting my cook on out there on the weekends.  For me it will be nice to make a few extra bucks and get some kitchen experience.  Ran out to Manteca to hunt down some Trop-A-Rocka Snapple with Hunny that she wanted and then went to get a bite to eat.  Grabbed the girls from the water and went over to The Fuzz's house for some dinner and a beer while the girls went swimming for a bit.  He made a killer smoked pork shoulder the other day and shared some of the leftovers.  Killer job!  Best thing I ate all weekend.

Once again the weekend was over before I knew it.  I did not even have a chance to buy my hand a drink, or relax.  Like I said last time... maybe next year.

It was nice to hear that many of you out there now pay homage to the man nipple.  Things like that need to be brought to the masses attention I believe.

So now it is Tuesday, I am surprisingly well rested, and I am just tickled down to my toes to be here with the Garbage Pale Kids once again.

Which one do I look at? has just been a thrill ride of joy today because after 3 days off she has had a brain lock on her passwords and apparently it is my fault that she can't remember them.

Anyway is out sick.  Maybe he was sucking face with Influenza over the weekend or something?  The is gross to even say, let alone think.

Penis and Mr. Obvious are just talking to hear themselves talk at this point telling me things that even Foo would get the first time around like they are breaking national secrets to me.  Guys, please... you are just too dumb for words.

Dummy called.  Duh.

Wigglesworth and Searching for Quarters were talking and I overheard Searching for Quarters needs to redo whatever it is he had been working on for the last few months because it was wrong.  Well at least he will be busy now through the end of the year.  Good for him.  If I do something wrong it gives me something to do for the next 15 minutes.  Hence reason "C" for the blog.

Cracker has to have "openers finger" over there!  If he tapped the top like Hunny before opening a can his nail bed would have to be sore.

Someone in the admin department just called because her toner ran out and I went over to replace it for her.  I walk in and she must have had eye surgery over the weekend or something because she is wearing a patch over her eye.  The whole time I am in there all I wanted to do was go, "Aaarrrggghhh Matey, your toner is replaced.  Aaaaarrrrr... now give me some booty!"

The Looker in his fine Grape Ape pants and Orange Crush tie are looking so fly today as he is talking to Ice Shaker and making no sense... "Ya dig?"  He comes over and is getting all in Ice Shakers face about some files that were not completed and Ice Shaker tells him that he placed the files in the IN basket on his desk yesterday with questions for him to look at.  His reply, "Oh. (Long ass pause.) Well I don't have time for that nonsense right now.  Ahhhhh... just get them finished and bring them over to me."  He walks away and Ice Shaker gives it the total Toner Boy... he growls, says, "WTF?" and laughs to to himself.  Guess I am not the only one who thinks people here belong in a special needs class!

One of the unnamed people here in the office is going to think twice before he opens his mouth without thinking it through first after today.  He needed some help so I go down to his cube to see what the problem is.  After seeing that it was something rather trivial and pointing it out to him he got an attitude with me.  Then again I am sure I brought it on myself with a deep breath and a sigh when I saw what the problem was!  With his University of Michigan garb all over his cube he says, "So where did you go to school?"  I tell him that I went to Heald trade school back in the early 90's.  With a smug look on his face he tells me, "Well.  Way to put that education to work." as I get ready to walk away.  Bad idea on his part.  I turn to him and say, "And you went to Michigan I take it?"  "Yep.", he says.  "Well finance was obviously not your primary focus.", I tell him.  He says, "No it wasn't.  Why would you say that?"  I tell him, "Well for what cost me about $14K got me a job right after leaving school making almost $30 an hour.  In less than 8 years I was making over $100K a year.  You spent, what?  $80 to $100K going to school there?  And I am going to guess that you have been working here with the county ever since you got out of school and you have never made more than $65K a year as an appraiser?  Way to put that education to work."  I am so good at making friends.  There was a whole conversation about me not making that now and so on and so forth that followed but I am not going to cover all of that again.  We all know the road that got me here and I gave that thumbprint to him and told him he should know to whom he is speaking before being smug about where they came from.  I can not believe that I am looked down upon by a county employee.  My dear gawd!  Can I get any lower?  Yeah... Toner Boy.  Excuse me while I go replace a cartridge for Creeper.

For those of you that read my last post you know that 3 hours of my Thursday were shot to shit when the blogger went all sideways.  Well let me see if I can bring some of that crap back to a head for you to enjoy.  After all what would this day be if I did not rub someone the wrong way?  Not you Hunny.  I know... only rub how you tell me, when you tell me.  No freelance rubbing!  After all "obey" was in my vows.  Funny how that worked out in your favor when that used to be the other way around.

Damn these last 4 minutes have taken an hour!

Once again let me be clear.... this stuff is either things I have heard over the years, or seen.  Nothing is about any one person I know nor SPECIFIC in ANY way.  This is nothing recent that I am hashing up, but just a lot of years of the same stories I hear or articles I read.  If you think it is reflective of you, or something you do, you can either look in the mirror and change it, if you like, or go on doing what you do.  It is not for me to tell you what is right or wrong for you or your lives, nor am I judging you.  I am just pointing this crap out.  To each their own, right?  That does not mean that I am not going to give you my thoughts on the matter!  After all... it is my blog, and you are the one choosing to read it.  Not your cup of tea, turn the channel.

I am pretty sure I got cut off when I was talking about that kid running his mom's life our at the snack shack.  Bottom line to the story was the kid kept on touching everything and the mom pussy footed around having the kid stop and listen.  His nose was running all over and then he wipes it off in his hand and then grabs an apple out of the basket!  First thing I will state is I will never buy anything that is not packaged at places like this in the first place for reasons just like that.  You never know who has touched what you are about to eat and then have put it back down.  Second the lady that runs the stand had to basically throw away everything that the kid touched.  All because she could not, or chose not to maintain her kid.  Nothing pisses me off more than to watch these parents out there who let their kids run their lives.  They are kids, you are supposed to run theirs!  Some of these parents now see the freedom they give their kids as a good thing and that their kids are going to grow up to love them even more.  Hey as long as you don't mind loving people through metal bars or during supervised visits, then more power to you.  Be a parent, not a friend.  They will respect you, and others (As they should.) for doing it.  People have always bitched at me for how hard I was on my kids when they were little.  Last time I checked you don't see me having to say much of anything to my kids these days.  I wonder why that is?  And if I do have to say anything it is over, without question, in about 2 seconds.  Not that I even need to raise my voice or a hand to them to make them understand what it is that they are doing wrong.  Kids respond to two things.  Loud noises, and pain.  Make them aware of these things at an early age and they will choose to not experience either one of them ever again.  Those of you parents shaking your head "NO" at me right now... The Summer X Games are on soon, and pull up your fucking pants.

From the are you fucking kidding me department. http://www.insidebayarea.com/trivalleyherald/localnews/ci_15210994?source=rss
He is quite the looker though!

Yeah... don't teach your kids to respect other people, their property or their space.
http://www.insidebayarea.com/trivalleyherald/localnews/ci_15219414?source=rss
It only gets worse from here.  Wanna bet?

I read a comedians quote regarding Facebook the other day and I thought that it was the best thing I have seen in years.  I forgot who it was, but I grabbed the quote and saved it to my desktop here at work, and it goes, "Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?"  Now I think it is funny as hell that I am posting this in my blog and soon will be placing this on my Facebook fan page, but I love the point behind it.  With this quote last week I went through and cleaned house on who my friends are on Facebook.  Nothing personal to any of you that I removed as a friend, I know this is like the ultimate sin, but we hardly talked then and we never talk now.  I do not need 500 friends on Facebook to feel better about myself.  I have this blog I can rip people down on all the time to feel better about myself.  I do not care about your high score on Jewel Blitz or what you ate for dinner last night.  Over 100 of you got the axe, and I am sure there are more to come.  I wanted to be on Facebook to keep touch with people I talk to... not find people I stopped talking to 100 years ago.  My guess is we stopped talking for a reason.

Which brings me to my own thoughts on the virtual world crap.  I guess that I have just been around it so long that I am burnt out. (For those of you saying I am on mine all of the time.... 8-5 M-F.  Wonder why that is?  After that, you will only find a post by me once in a blue moon.  So get off me.)  Not to mention the fact that in between my blogging and comments here and there on Facebook during the day I read news feeds to help pass the time.  Article, after article talks about how things such as Facebook have torn apart marriages and relationships.  Really?  Are people really willing to let a virtual "bar" full of people they have either never met or not talked to over the past 400 years come in between them and the person they have built a real relationship, or their family with?  And for what?  False statements and pipe dreams?  Brad Paisley said it right, "So much cooler online."  I have known people that have struggled with this personally as well, and it really is sad to think that people dive in feet first to dots on a screen and turn away the real world that is sitting right in front of them.  Never forget... it is real easy to paint a pretty picture to someone who does not know your realities.  Stop thinking that the grass is greener people and tend to your own lawn.  Water your computer and see what happens.  Just like what will happen when the virtual world meets reality.... shit blows up.  If you want something virtual... keep dating your hand!  I have found after 2 drinks mine is pretty much a push over.

Have I mentioned this?

Like I mentioned last time out ladies guys talk.  Yes it is a shock, we do.  We don't get down to your level of dirty details, but we do.  Most of you could spot your friends man's penis in a line up from 40 feet with the amount of detail you have been given over the years!  More along the lines of trying to figure you guys out 9 out of 10 times.  Well here are some quick insights and tips for all of you. (Yeah this is where I get all deep on your ass!)

Ladies, guys do not change.  I know you are floored.  But this is not those stupid things like where he leaves his towel each morning.  I mean we are who we are.  If you married a lazy slob with no ambition, I bet if you look over on the couch right now you will see him there with a glazed over look on his face playing Call to Arms or something on his PS3.  That is your own damn fault.  But what I am getting at is the biggest bitch I have heard by most guys I have ever met. 

You ladies are the ones who have changed.  *GASP*  I am going to guess when you met your man you put on some charm, kicked it into flirt overdrive and sexed him up every time you were left alone in a room for more than 5 minutes.  Yeah well.... little secret.  He has not forgotten that!

Yeah, yeah, yeah life changes.... we get that as men.  Raising your kids is now top on your list, but to just take your pussy and hold it hostage is probably the main source of over half of your mans attitude problems!  No one is asking you to fuck like minx when you were younger and had no responsibilities in life, but my lord!  I have talked to guys who say they are lucky to get it once a month.  Really?  So your OBGYN gets to go down on you more than your man does?  Sad.  Give it up to him 4 or 5 times a month and I bet he walks around and acts more like the day you met him.  Consider this a science experiment.  Try it and see what happens.  If I am wrong.... put your shit back under lock and key and bring it out for the token birthday, anniversary and holiday season.  He deserves what he is getting, and maybe not even that.

Hate to tell ya'll who think differently... but sex is part of a relationship! And since when has it become something that needs to be avoided? You sure as hell did not avoid it when you were dating, so why it is the choice after you get married?




You ladies are sitting there thinking that us men are just dogs, and you are right!  Men are dogs.  We are loyal as hell and we need attention.  But if you don't want to pet us anymore we tend to wander until we find someone who will give us attention.  No it does not have to be sexual attention, just attention, so put your claws away!  We want YOUR attention or we would not have married you.  Why else limit ourselves to one source of attention when you out number us 2 to 1?  Not being a dick... just being honest.  If there was not a need out there God would not have created hookers when worse comes to worse to give men attention.  Was all the sex and flirting so painful and terrible before the wedding day?  If you want to think of us as dogs and your pussy as a golden treat, then do what owners does with their dogs.  Give them a treat when they are doing what they should!  You know... working hard, keeping a roof over your head, having a bad day and needing someone to make them feel better, etc.  A little appreciation and attention goes a very long way when you know you have been moved out from your spouses top priority to raise a family.

I have heard this same story time, and time again.  You wonder why sex sells and guys are buying?  Because ladies get the ring they want, the kids they want, and then give their real attention to the pool boy.  WTF is that????  If you gave your man 25% of the attention you gave to get him porn sales would reduce 10 fold.  Just sayin.  And when was the rule put in place after you say "I do." flirting or foreplay is no longer needed?  Really... those of you who fall under these statements are missing the fun of relationships and life.

For all of my male friends who are jumping up and down because you feel that I am the one who said this for them, I didn't.  And.... ahh it is a two way street boys!!!

Get up off your ass and do something for your lady instead of yourself once in a while.  She could give two craps less that you mowed a lawn that you were supposed to mow anyway!  Try cleaning around the house without having to be asked to help.  Try making her dinner and having the kids cleaned up and in bed while she takes a night off from those duties.  Give her a massage and not expect a piece of ass in return!

I mean boys, each time you do something good for your woman it does not mean that she has to roll over and lay spread eagle for your ass!  Or all of the sudden start making porn scenes with you on a dirt road or letting you go where no (OK, few) men have gone before on a daily basis.  Don't think only with your dick!  Make sure what you are doing with your woman is something that SHE actually enjoys! (Ladies if your man is always doing something with or to you that you hate SPEAK UP!  Men are dumb when it comes to a woman's body and what constitutes pleasure to you!  If you don't tell him, he will just keep doing it.  We are simple... shake that little guy until it throws up!) And guys don't be all ass sore when she tells you that you are doing something that she does not like, or to do something a different way!  She is not trying to make you do what Juan the pool boy does to her when he is there while you are at work, so don't feel like you are filling someone elses shoes when she says something.  You may find that she is enjoying herself more, and be more open because of the way it feels for her and your new level of communication turns her on.



Now just because she starts giving it up to you because she wants to try my test and sees that she really does enjoy it, don't think that she is obligated to be your 24/7 love slave!  I think that you should feel that she is more open to your advances, but walking up to he and putting your junk in her face while she is sitting on the couch is not considered foreplay!  Fucking Neanderthals.

If you are sitting here saying none of this reflects on me, then good for you!  You have a healthy, normal relationship and you should feel real good about it!  My ears tell me that there a a lot of people who don't, and for not a lot of good reason.  We got in long term relationships because we loved what we have with a certain person and we wanted to have that experience for the rest of our lives.  If you think that your partner is the one who changed and not you, try just being who you used to be with them and see how they react.  If they are not happy to walk down that road with you, you may be right and they are the ones who have changed.  Communication is the key that lets the other person know you have changed and your likes and dislikes are now somehow different.  Let them know that.  You may be shocked that they are willing to help fill those new needs and that they are in it for you.  You may find a new passion walking down that new road together that has gone missing. New relationships are always fun, so make your relationship new and fun all the time.  After all if that is the person you love, why not????

"Toner Boy, I don't have the time or energy for this kind of crap anymore."  Really?  But there is time for bitching to the girls about his attitude when all he did was try to spend some time with you, or flirt with you only to get shot down time and time again with a, "God I don't feel good again today.", "I am just so tired tonight and it is only 6.", "Stop being stupid, I am not looking, 'overly sexy today' as you call it!", or the super icy "No not tonight.  Another night.  Just go to bed."  Yeah I don't know why he is pissy.  Go figure.  Also funny how you have time to read your smut books (No offense Smut Queen!) and double click your mouse or bring out your pocket friend when no one is around.  Talk about your lacking sex life online in a chat or forum to past friends or people just hoping to hear you say something like that so they can become their online alter ego.  Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a good 'hand jive' every once in a while, but like good candy... you should share!

"All he does is go to titty bars!"  Look if you are doing all of these things that I say men bitch about and he still spends his free time and both of your money slipping it in some girls g-string... yeah.... he is a dog.  Sorry fellas!  But fair is fair.  Can't bash on them and then turn and give you a free pass!  But if you are on lockdown as suggested many of you are... well.  Yeah that shoe fits on the other foot just as easy.  After all he is only out there looking at what he does not get to see at home very often or at all.  Remember that attention thing I was talking about before?  Yeah... well they have legal versions of that dial-a-date going on too.  Sure every once and again he is going to hit these kinds of places with the boys so don't hold that against him, but you guys better be prepared to do a little extra "Free" work around the house that weekend!

"But Toner Boy he never tries to come and 'get some' anymore so why should I bother with him just because he wants it?"  You slam a door in a persons face enough times, they are afraid to try and open it again after a while.  Show him that the door can be opened with the right key.  Not a broken down fence at the playground he can run through whenever he wants, (Don't get me wrong.... if you want to have a free for all policy with your man, go for it!) and he will appreciate the challenge.  Instead of the sympathy or obligation sex he feels like he is getting now 12 to 15 times a year.  Gee... that is always so uplifting.  "Damn!  Only 4 pills left in the pack.  It is that time already? *Sigh* Come here honey I guess I have 10 mins to kill before Leno comes on."

"Yeah well I was going to try what you said over the weekend but I ended up having to much to drink that night.  It was his birthday and we went out with our friends to the bar and tied one on, so maybe next weekend or something."  Ouch! Double whammy!  You not only passed him up completely on his birthday, (You had the midnight prior to wake him and spoil him if he was sleeping, you had an early morning before the kids got up or you could have just given him something sloppy drunk that you both would have just passed out in the middle of and laughed about for years to come!) you need another weekend to give him 30 mins of your time and attention?  First of all you need an event to spend time with your spouse?  Really?  Then get a sperm donor or a roommate, not married.

"I see those people all touchy-feely when I go out and it bugs the crap out of me.  I am the one who usually tells them to get a room!"  Yeah.... happy people bug the crap out of me to.  Sick bastards.  No one is advocating to mount your partner in the middle of the store while shopping for produce but two people playing, having fun, or sharing a kiss is nothing to have a checker yell out "Code 3!" over the loudspeaker because you are grossed out.  If you have a problem with it... probably because you wish it were you getting that attention.  Follow my easy steps and it very well might be.

Marriage should be an adventure, not a chore.  Cheers.

This was not what I lost when I got the shaft the other day on here, but it is the same point.  I am sure my Followers will decrease by 8 and not one GUY will make a comment other than, "I feel sorry for whoever you are talking about." so they keep their own ass out of hot water at home!  For those of you who are pissed because you are convinced that I am talking about you.... I am not.  Sorry you feel that way.  Like I said, better to be hated or loved than forgotten.  I can bet not one of you will forget this post... for better or worse!  You hear enough shit in life over and over, you just feel the need to speak up.  I am sure everyone was already more than aware of these issues... my question is why do they even need to be brought up?  Live, laugh, love.

Toner Boy