For those of you not up to speed on Toner Boy and his origins let me do my best to get you up to speed.
Toner Boy started as the punch line to what has become my current work life, and consequently my alter ego. Friends of mine got such a kick out of my posts on Facebook about my office life and environment that they said I should be writing a book or some other outlandish types of thoughts. The problem with their suggestions is that, as you will find, I am not that entertaining!
My posts have been a way for me to vent and preserve what is left of my sanity. Plain and simple. To humor them I have decided to at least attempt this blog and spread the joy of my pain to others out there in hopes that they can relate and see that they are not alone in this world!
The background.
I am in my late 30's. I am a father of 3 and have been married twice. After working in the family business for a few years after high school I went to a trade school for computer science. Once I graduated I took a job with a small, but diverse tech company who had their hands in everything from being an ISP to tech recruiting. Needless to say I got exposure to a lot of things very quickly and found myself entrenched in computer networking. What began as a tech based career started to flourish into a much broader spectrum of network design and security, SQL and Exchange administration, project management, sales and clients services.
Needless to say the 90's and early 2000's were a very busy time for me both in work and professional growth. I had become very accustomed to sushi, cocktail lunches with clients and rubbing elbows with more affluent people as I worked my way up the social ladder.
Life was beginning to look good at this point. Got married to the woman of my dreams and started a family of our own. We had a semi-custom home built on a golf course up in the Sierra Foothills. Spent most days telecommuting from home and spending time with my first of two daughters. My wife worked in the mortgage business as a loan processor and had a back roads commute into her office in Sacramento. Things were going great for a short while until the company that I was working for was starting to crumble like the Raiders offensive line trying to hold back a two man rush. Even though we were still doing well financially, it was time for me to become a social butterfly once again and go out and explore my options back in the Bay.
This cut into a lot of my time at the house and forced me to spend more time in the Bay Area during the week and then my weekends with the family. I was taking on side jobs from past clients and referrals so I could branch out and find another business opportunity. Even though my wife understood my approach, it did not make things any easier on her being a first time mother out in the middle of the sticks!
During this time I had gotten a phone call from the ex-wife telling me that the company that she works for was having network and computer issues and asked if I could come and take a look at it for her. Little did I know it at the time... this was the exact moment in time that Toner Boy was conceived! As I went over to her office and began to look at this neglected, abused, malnourished, bastard of a network I made the mistake of telling them that I could fix it. Oops!
This was going to be a time consuming adventure that would take several weeks of my personal time to resolve for them. Don't get me wrong, the pay was great and the office was very entertaining. Almost too entertaining. This gave me plenty of time to get to know people, and so... the plot thickens.
The company that she works at is a mortgage company and during that time there was more money running through this place then fondled boys at a Boy Scout Jamboree! Being the social climber that I had become accustomed to being, I started to befriend a few of the guys in the office as I worked.
I told my wife that I cannot believe that she has been keeping me in the dark about the amounts of money that are flowing into mortgage companies like hers. She asked me, "What in the world do you know about the mortgage business?" I told her, "I know there is a LOT of money there and that I am smarter than your average bear! So I will be damned if I am going to let a chance like that get away." (For those of you living in real-time I will pause here for your laughter since you can see where this is going!)
The VP of the company, also a former company owner of the ex-wife's who I had met years before, was getting ready to branch out and start his own mortgage company. One day in the office he pulled me aside to ask me if I could design and implement a network solution for his new company. Once again.... my dumb ass agreed!
Having met with him several times to go over plans and costs in a social setting he turns and says to me, "You know what? You would make a hell of a loan officer!" Having one of those brain flashes like CHUCK, I am flashing on the wreckless ways that money was being thrown around in that office and I began to drool. (At one point I witnessed an overweight male loan officer take $15,000 in bets to sunbathe in a pink thong in the courtyard in the middle of the office complex for no other reason then they were bored!)
He goes, "I know you make good money, but do you have any idea how much money you can make?" Playing it coy on the outside I look at him sheepishly and tell him, "Who me? No come on.", while all the time inside I am designing a new custom home at a country club with a 4 car garage filled with fine Italian cars and not hearing a word that he is saying! He tells me, "I tell you what. You come in and finish the job I brought you in for, and when you are finished with that I will bring you on as a loan officer and train you."
Now how could that go wrong?
Next time the continuation of The Origins of Toner Boy where I take you from the penthouse to the outhouse! Stay tuned...
Toner Boy
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The continuation.
So my life into the mortgage world beings. Don’t get me wrong. I met some great people during this time, and I am not all that far from that industry still to this day. After all without this little side adventure in my life, Toner Boy would not be here for your reading pleasure!
What’s the old adage? Something about, “Paying for it later.” Well this is where we make our trip from Anytown, USA to the white neighbor of the Jefferson’s in that deluxe apartment in the sky, then feeling like that little Asian guy jumped out of my trunk and whipped my ass like in the Hangover! Laying in a dirt patch, rolling over so I can start looking for my teeth that scattered like Chiclets once they hit the rocks, and wondering, “What in the hell just happened?”
No… I'm kidding. Trust me, I know exactly what happened. I saw the whole damn thing barreling down on me like a fat woman comes after a Double-Double Animal Style in slow motion so I could watch every corpuscle of fat swing to-and-fro with each painful step! Sorry… I got a bit off track here. Now back to your previously scheduled programming.
Things moved fast and before we knew it we had moved back to the Bay, had our 2nd baby, and began working in the same office. I picked things up rather quick with the help of a very close friend that I had met at a company bonding meeting that was held before the business had opened its doors. (By the way asshole it is still your fault that the Tinker Toys were put together wrong!) Needless to say, we have been together through thick or thin ever since. (And that other time, you prick, when you told me it was a good time to lock and the rates got better by a half the next day…. nice insight. Dumb ass.) Bonds like that are very special and should be cherished. (Fag!) He really took me under his wing and showed me the ropes of the industry as a friend and a mentor. (Some benevolent wisdom. Should have smothered him with a pillow when I had the chance!) I owe him a lot. (Sort of like Elin owed Tiger and I'll 2-iron his ass as well!)
The thing about the mortgage business that people on the outside don’t really know is…. just like the loose lending practices that Greenspan told the banks would be, “Good for everyone.” Loan officers tend to be just a weeee bit willy-nilly with their finances while giving you advice about yours! What you have to understand is that money is coming in fast and furious when things are going good, and most people in the real estate side of the world live a pretty lavish and comfortable lifestyle. So it is sort of like a “keeping up with the Jones’s” sort of world, and everyone starts playing the “He who dies with the most toys wins!” sort of game from the moment they get involved. You know what… in a perfect world… this would not have been a problem. This is not a perfect world though.
You see… my damn parents did a crappy job of raising me and they gave me this crap called morals. Dirty bastards! Well as life in the mortgage world went on, and I played my parts in the games that loan officers play, money was flying out of my wallet faster than the blood can flow to a man’s “happy place” when his woman even hints she might give it to him. First a few new cars that got changed out before their first oil changes were required, then it was time to go to the drive-thru at McDonald’s and have a SUPER SIZED house built with enough bells and whistles to impress any starlet, vacations anytime and anywhere with the entire family or just some buddies (and that cock was there too) at the drop of a dime (well more like dropping a few million dimes!) to some unreal places, dinning in only the best restaurants and sipping on top-shelf hooch, golfing 4 days a week at clubs and resorts, cooking parties every weekend with a house full of friends, anything the kids wanted or needed was never a question and who needs a sale, just buy it type of mentality because there is more where this came from! Until….
As I looked at files for clients as they came in, I could not help but say to myself more times than not, “There is no financial benefit to this person doing a refi.” Damn those morals! I found myself in a position that I would rather not do loans for these people and try and explain to them why they should not be looking into doing a refi at this time. Of course once I had hung up the phone with them I am sure the dumb bastards called the next ad that they had seen or heard and some soulless prick went ahead and screwed them over just as they deserved. I am such a wuss.
Well it was clear that I had to look into my options. Do I stay in the business? Do I shift someplace within the industry? Do I go back to technology? Do I use this work and life experience in another field? Hmmm…. Not quite sure. So in the mean time we are going to go ahead and live pie-eyed like rock stars, thumb our noses at convention and burn through every penny we have waiting for lady luck or opportunity to knock on our door. Yep. That’s the plan! No need to save for a rainy day, or go out and seek other professional options at this point. I mean where has that got you in the past? You would think someone with an IQ of 154 could figure out how this is going to play out and advert disaster? Yeah… no. I was too spoiled by my good fortunes over the past 20 years of everything always getting better, so the world owed it to me to keep going down the same path. There is no way that the world I have created would get turned on its ear. Right?
Funds are leaving my bank account like the hairs on my head seem to be parachuting to safety. If you check your calendars right around this time we are in the first stages of economic contracting for our country. Home values have just began to stall or drop depending on the area. The first whispers of banks starting to have financial problems are being heard outside of their own meeting room walls. Companies are putting a hold on hiring until things pick back up in a few weeks. (giggle) Car companies can’t figure out why their already over production of cars every year are backing up more than normal. The US dollar is so worthless it is cheaper to wipe your ass with it then to buy Charmin. Gold and oil goes through the roof because these genius commodities brokers are allowed to hedge their bets on futures. Nice limitations placed on that crap to protect us there Wall Street! (They must have learned economics from that stupid ass friend of mine!)
Moving within the same industry is just delayed suicide, the tech world comes to the conclusion that I have been gone from it long enough that I must have no clue how things work anymore (Heard they were talking about dial up modems being a thing of the past. Yeah. I will believe that when I see it!), or I could go into the real estate world and be like those heartless, lazy cock nozzles and suck 6% out of each of their clients for taking 20 mins to show them a house and place the burden on a loan officer to get it done while he begs and scratches for his 1%. (Sorry Hunny, not you. I meant those other cock nozzles!)
Damn there is more to getting all of this out than I thought. Until next time and part trios! After that we can give you a full rundown on the characters in this fiasco, get everyone caught up on past stories, and then it is onto Tonergate. (Yes Watergates evil sister!)
Toner Boy
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OK deep breath and let’s see if I can get through this background portion of Toner Boy today!
So with none of these things being a real option to me I halfheartedly tried to market and try and find business in the mortgage world with no success. Funds were just about gone and for some unknown reason Ed McMahan never showed up with a damn check! So after talking to the wife and facing reality it was time to begin the contraction process of our personal lives and the almost SPAM like distribution of my resume around the globe. Started getting rid of our toys for pennies on the dollar, (Guess I should have bought more things on sale and I could have reduced my losses huh?) cut backs on the nonessentials, (Like bowling, food, clothes, poker, golf, beer and porn. In that order!) and then start playing Three Card Monte with the bills:
Ring, Ring…
Me: “Hello.”
Caller: “Toner Boy this is Bob with your credit card company and we have not received a payment from you this week.”
Me: “Really? Well damn. Are you sure?”
Bob: “We will need to get some sort of payment from you today.”
Me: “Not a problem. Can I pay you over the phone with a credit card?”
Bob: “Yes.”
Me: (Give him another cards number)
Bob: “Thank you Toner Boy. This payment will post to your account today, but may not show up on your other statement for 3-5 days.”
To myself: “Hmmmm. No shit?”
Phone rings again.
Caller: “Toner Boy this is Wendy (from the card company that I just paid with) and we have not received a payment from you this month.”
Me: “Well hell Wendy let’s take care of that right now with a credit card!” (All the time laughing my ass off on the inside since it is the other card company’s number I am giving her!))
Doing this month in and month out for quite a while. (Come on if I don’t laugh about it at this point I am going to end up on the front page of the paper for laughing and drinking a fifth of Crown while hosing down kids at a birthday party like the guy in Billy Madison!)
Time went on and worse led to worse for us. Turned a car in, (Sorry Hunny!) had no real opportunities from companies for work that did not involve me pimping someone’s crap products that I would not use myself… for commission nonetheless, (Yeah that would have been just about as successful as Ryan Leaf’s career. Hell, make that life!) and then the final shoe dropped and it was time to walk away from the house. The house part was very painful at first, but now that I look back at it I can only smile! Hell at its peak it was valued at $905K and we owed somewhere in the mid $8’s on it. The people who bought it from the bank paid mid $300’s for it and they just lost it in the last few months ago as well. Its current value? Drum roll please…. in the $2’s. Damn! Almost a blessing if you ask me! Oh wait… there is this whole loan mod thingy that they are doing now. Yeah well, there goes that feeling of victory. Turn that smile back upside down! But glad to be away from it to be honest with you because I no longer care about living that “big boy toys” game. You learn to appreciate the simple things in life and count all of your blessings. (What other damn option do I have? Crap I go to Subway a couple of times a week for lunch now and you would have thought that I was back in Yountville eating at French Laundry for lunch! (God I miss that…))
Any whooo….. so I go into the funk of all funks for quite a while. I mean just an absolute joy buzzer to be around, let me tell you. I could call the suicide hotline and put them in a state of depression! While being a snivelly bitch, the family and friends go through the steps of packing up our old house, taking what we need over to my parents, getting everything into storage that we can fit, (hard to shove over 3,000 sq feet of things and 10 years of your life into a 10x20 space!) and the rest into our race trailer down at my dad’s shop. No offense mom and dad, I love you and you support me like no one else’s business, but there is something about living with your parents… as a grown ass man…. with your entire family…. that sort of takes the wind out from under your sails. But there is nothing like the love of a wife, (Plus a physical threat involving a meat tenderizer, duct tape and battery charger.) to really help you pick your chin up off the ground and get back in the game! So trying to shake off my alcohol induced haze I got back on the job trail with the grim fact in mind that I may need to lower my standards, just a skosh, if I want to avoid my wife’s homemade electric chair and meat tenderizing party!
So what would it be. A management type of job in a new industry? Maybe a sales manager for a technology firm? Right in the same ballpark. Or how about following my passion for sports or Disney and see about working for them in some capacity? Maybe team or project management, or even client services and take care of some of their accounts? No, no, no. Hmmmm OK. Not going to lie. The ego took a bit of a hit there. Nothing major, but I did feel a little like Rob Schneider after Drew Barrymore laid into him in 50 First Dates with a bat. How about something in racing? It has always been a part of my life and my background could either fit me into product development for their technical side, or even those management or client services things I mentioned before! Nope. Do I have to look even lower? Really? OK. Think of it as a Band-Aid and just pull it off quick so it will not hurt as bad. Maybe I can get a job as a backup administrator for a company, or a team lead for a call center or something along those lines. I mean come on. Over 20 years of work experience with everything from sales on up to executive titles under my belt in a related industry? Someone has got to look at my resume and jump all over me just for my skill set alone you would think. Yeah right. This was more like Jim Carey in Pet Detective getting hit with the spears, “It’s in the bone! It’s in the ba-a-oone!”
Well I see the wife has moved the battery charger into the room next to my side of the bed after this has gone on for a few months. So I think it is time to swim with the catfish down on the bottom of the “JOB” Delta and see what is there besides stolen cars, and missing people the I.N.S. did not feel like spending the money on to send home. I apply for a handful of, gulp, desktop support jobs mainly with the city’s and county’s because I know that anyone with a pulse and an IQ above peanut butter has a fighting shot when it comes to their office positions. At least it is something that I can fall back on if nothing else that I look into turns up. So I start the process for a couple of openings with Alameda county and during this time try to get in to an opening with Contra Costa as an emergency dispatcher. Have a couple of buddies who have either done it, or are currently doing it and besides the hours have always told me that they really like their jobs because they found them to be challenging and fulfilling at the end of the day. Went and took my test with 17 million others and finished in the top 12 and was asked to come in for oral interviews. Anyone who knows me knows I do very well with this. I can talk well too. So…. during this time I also get called in for a test with Alameda for some technical positions that they have open. Hey things are looking better. No? No. OK time to wrap this up and put a bow on it so we can move on with, believe it or not, my life getting worse! It is what happens once I go to work that has brought us here to enjoy Toner Boy after all.
Long story short, for those of you saying about time…. kiss my ass, took the test for the county so they could weed out all of the under qualified people and get down to the meat and potatoes of the group. (Look Hun… the E is in potatoes! Not potato”e”. Those are the things on your feet.) The test was gut wrenching. What is a keyboard for? How many cookies in a baker’s dozen? What is Steve’s first name? Of course I am being a dumbass and it was nothing as stupid as that, but you get the idea that it was not very hard in my eyes. As for everyone else who was there taking the test? It was a bit of a different story. One guy got up and walked out about 5 mins in and just left his test on the table. The guy next to me was talking to himself and saying, “What the hell?” a lot. Was asked to come back in for an interview a few weeks later for 5 different offices within Alameda county. Pretty close to the same time that I was wanted back to do my oral test for dispatch, but I did take my dispatch test first. There was only one opening, and I was told they liked my oral test (All female group, go figure!) but they have selected someone else. They would keep me on file for one year and call me to come back in with their next opening. Well since the wife was wetting the sponges for old sparky, and not in the fun way, I figured it was time to take that option off the table and take what I could get with Alameda if they liked me.
Not long after I had gotten my reply from Contra Costa I went in for my first interview with the county. It was for the Assessor’s office. Pretty straight forward kind of crap. No real mind bending types of questions. As I left they said that they would meet and talk about each of the candidates and they would have a decision within 5 working days. Less than 2 hours later they called and offered me the job. Told them that I had a few interviews lined up with other departments and that I had already scheduled interviews with them over the next few days and asked if I could get back to them once I have talk to the other departments. They told me they knew that and that they want to hire me before going to interview with anyone else. This should have been my first clue of what was to come! So I agreed, and alas Toner Boy was born.
A few little details were skipped along the way that added to the flavor of this whole thing and I will touch on them later. Like the trailer getting stolen with our things in it, the eventual move from my parents not long after I started, the mortgage company the wife worked for going tits up (Sorry Hun. Could not pass that one up! A true pun for anyone who knows my wife.) just as we are getting our feet back under us again, and a whole slew of other crap that you can laugh at. I am starting to feel like My Name’s Earl without hitting the lotto!
I hope you enjoyed the read. Next time we will go into detail about the brain trusts that work around this place and the friends who just find my life to be so damn funny! That will be followed by some stories from the past year and then Tonergate and the joys of driving!
Toner Boy
