Well here are some of the people that will be gracing the pages of my blog.
There are plenty of others to add and I will be doing that along the way, so have no fear if you are not listed here just yet! These are just some of the people that I have already written about on my previous Facebook posts or they are part of events that I am working on putting together! Each time a new character is added it will be preceded by a quick bio just like these to get you up to speed.
Today we are starting out with "The Friendlies!" These are all people in my life that help keep me out of the loony bin for the time being. Some of them are trying to get me in there just because they think that it will be good reading when they let me out to paint sea shells once a week. (Figuring that I will have to slip in a Facebook post or update my blog along the way. You know how I roll!)
(In my best Sgt. Joe Friday voice from Dragnet)
"The name's have been changed to protect the innocent."
And now.... The Friendlies -
Hunny - Yes. The one who puts up with all of my crap. Most people call her a saint for putting up with me. I just call her misguided! I hope that my Jedi mind tricks hold up and keep her fooled into thinking that I am a nice guy! She is my rock and has been there for me at my worst. I love you Hunny. (OG-SC)
Goo-Goo - There was a time that George Foreman would go down from one of her jabs! My grandmother is tough as nails and stubborn as a mule. Walked for 2 weeks with 2 broken Achilles tendons and told the doctor they were a little sore. A little sore? Don't lie, you just did not want to miss the sale on the Boulevard!
Turbo - Mom is a trooper who will help out anyone who needs it. Pops always says that she gives until it hurts. His wallet mostly, but still. A kid at heart, hence her Facebook hours, (Sorry everyone. Bit of a social butterfly!) but she just likes to be in the loop! Always on the go... Turbo! (SC)
Pops - Dad is a classic. Can always make me laugh with his sadistic sense of humor. The guy can do just about anything. Except cut a good light. Not the most creative or fashionable of ducks either. Like Turbo he will always be there if you need him. Two of the best parents that anyone could ever ask for. I love you guys, and thank you for everything. (Covert SC)
McLovin - My oldest child. Good egg. A little cracked and scrambled, but good nonetheless. Has his struggles at times, but always does things with good intentions. Look forward to him having to wipe me when I get old! Paybacks suck. (SC)
Thunder - Oldest daughter. Looks just like me. (Sorry!) Strong as a bull and nutty as a fruitcake! Head in the clouds with a charisma that can't be taught. Look for her on the big screen!! If I don't kill her first for testing my patience! (OG-SC)
Little Miss - My youngest. Smart as they get and makes sure the rest of us know it. Has a very shy, yet confident edge about her. Will sit and bite her nails before she competes and then go out there and nail her routine. (And you better run if she does not win!) In her mind, second sucks! This kid is a real trip! (OG-SC)
Albert - Lifelong friend who, for better or worse, knows more about me than anyone should! Has put up with more of my crap than my wife, but has always been there for me. Raising two boys that are close in age to my girls and they all go to the same school together. God I hope they don't have the same kinds of stories to tell as we do! More like a brother than a friend. His family, is our family. (Except Ednolb... pain in my ass.)
Ednolb - Albert's wife and the school friend I have known longer than anyone that will still talk to me. (Only because of Albert.) The ultimate Type A personality, but we love her anyway! Just tell her you drank her last Diet Coke and watch what happens. Will fight you to the death for something that she believes in, right or wrong. Most of the time she is wrong, but you are better off just rolling with it and telling her she is the BOMB! It saves time... trust me. When bears attack they say play dead... when she attacks... your hosed!
After 6 - The modern version of 2 face. Not the trait, the character! Ultra laid back but can go from 0 to 100 in 2.2 secs if the mood hits him to, "Get-R-Done!" Ultimate sports dad helping raise two boys who are both very involved, and good, at sports. Married to Monkey he tries to get away with as much as he can, or she will let him until she puts the kibosh on our fun! "After 6. Time to go! You can play with your little friends another time." Hmmm... I guess blow up dolls are on her, "OK to play with." list. Interesting.
Monkey - Florence Nightingale. From broken bones to a broken crotch, she can tell you how to fix it all! Married to After 6, she is a woman in a house full of boys so no one faults her for her daily drink and soak in the hot tub! Used to babysit me when I was younger. Well sort of. After a quick game of quarters and she was passed out under the table and Albert and I were out the door to find a party! Have known her my entire life and consider to be her my sister. Trust me... we have fought like brother and sister many a time, so I might as well claim her! Love her boys like they were my own.
Snap, Crackle & Pop - The oldest son of After 6 and Monkey, who through his years have given his mom a few extra gray hairs on her head. Don't get me wrong, her age has a LOT to do with the gray's but his visits to the hospital have not helped matters! His broken leg from football last year appears to have turned him into a baseball only athlete now, but don't hold your breath. Great kid with a good drive. Watch for him in the Bigs one day! Now if he can limit those ER trips every other month (It seems like!) it may increase his odds of getting there. Now... if he were a real good kid he would think of his elders and plan these emergency trips on Friday's... that is clam chowder!
Zebra - Married to Game Time she is the sister I never wanted. But wouldn't you know it? I flat fell in love with the bitch!! Now these are some older folks, and they don't get around like they used to, but when the party starts... good luck keeping up with these two! We have traveled and vacationed many times with them and their family and there are no funner people to be around! Zebra is a trooper and can take anything of the shit I throw her way, but last time I gave her shit she forgot my number for a year. Well paybacks are a bitch because that means I have a full year of new material to give to her! "Here I come baby!"
Game Time - My tropical brotha from another motha! Game Time has never met a drink that he hasn't liked. Instantly becomes the bartender at any event and as he says, "50/50 is just right!" Inventor of the Creamsicle Shot Game Time has taken terms like, "Final, final." to levels only he could obtain. Has an infectious personality and does not know the meaning of doing things just half ass. From working to partying he goes hammer down. Will always give you his opinion when asked and thinks things through leaving no stone unturned before he responds. True friend with a love and passion for life that can't be matched.
Hack - Very close and dear friend of mine. He's the jackass I met when I came into the mortgage business. Have had a lot of adventures together, both good and bad. Used to be an athlete, but now he has just taken the shape of most ex-athletes. Loves to chat about sports and enjoys a good joke. Even more so if it is about him! Great guy to hang out with and makes a great travel buddy. Just make sure he is not the back spoon!!! Dirty bastard.
The Fuzz - No circle of friends is complete unless you throw in the token 5-0! As part of my weekend cheer dad drinking group (What? Those topics go hand-in-hand!) he has helped elevate me to new heights! Literally! (He and Chet based for me at a cheer competition for a photo that was plastered on the big screens at the event that will live in infamy!) I have only known The Fuzz for a short amount of time but he has become a good friend of mine. Come on.. anyone who likes to drink like I do, and let me play with guns can't be all that bad! (OG-SC)
Smut Queen - Looks are deceiving. Little Miss Proper here is married to The Fuzz. If you want to see her alter ego just cut her off in your car and watch a finger go up, and the expletives fly! Also, like Phoebe's date she had on Friends, "Tell me about yourself?" "Well. I write erotic novels... for children." she writes tween smut. Just sayin... Her and her family have become great friends of ours and she is a hell of a writer. Check out her blog at http://sanchezzoo.blogspot.com/ (OG-SC)
Foo - The oldest daughter of The Fuzz and Smut Queen. Foo is a classic case of a girl born with the wrong hair color. Love the Foo to death. She is a bit naive, VERY chatty, but always has your back. Will have one of those conversations with you (Whether you wanted to or not most of the time.) that make you say "WTF?", when it is over. She is the official "Unwanted" recruiter of the SC. I think she just needs something to talk about and trying to bring people into the SC is her "Go To" topic. OK Foo… go ahead and recruit. $49.95, plus $9.95 a month gets you in. Sell away! (OG-SC)
Ed - Ed, oh Ed. Ed is one of the guys spiritually. A cheer mom who always ends up on food runs, or what have you, with the dad's on cheer weekends. Blast to be around and blonde to the core. Has a fascination with Woolite. If you ever need to distract her just hand her a potted plant, some gloves and she is good to go! "So pretty." (OG-SC)
Sleeper Cell - Married to Ed he is the quiet cheer dad by proxy who runs in stealth mode. Low flying and under the radar until he decides to make himself known. Even when he not with us you always have the feeling he has his ear to the ground! Known for low risk, high reward dares with the kids for his entertainment. (OG-SC)
Cheese - Ed's daughter is the quietest oh the SC by far, but always has this huge smile on her face. I can't figure out if she is plotting to kill us, is just so flippin nice that all she can do is smile, or.... do you remember that scene in Step Brothers where they go for the job interview and he rips off a 20 second growler and just looks at the guy with that shit eating grin on his face? Yeah... even though she is as sweet as pie, I am going to go for that last one. Many times we have looked around in the group for the source of a smell. We all just assumed Ed had not washed her pants from the day before, and politely let it go. No more, no more. (OG-SC)
Chet - Out of proxy he has been bestowed this label. This broken down, tattered, shell of a man is going to end up drooling in a cup one day. Can't enjoy some of the finer foods because of childhood scaring. He's so frail one beer puts him to sleep. Just like The Fuzz and myself we are the only men in the house. Genetically at least. Great guy to be around and super easy to get along with. Who am I kidding... he is just happy to see another guy in the house when you come over. Inside he is screaming, "Please help me! Need male bonding!" (OG-SC)
Paparazzi - This sounded so much better than "Celebrity Stalker and Hollywood Gossip Reporter" Married to Chet (Explains a lot about him huh?) she is the quintessential grapevine rumor monger! She will not rest until she knocks Joan Rivers out of her chair on E! TV. Literally! I have no doubt if Thunder makes it to Hollywood that she we be in there to manage her all the way to the top. A few of those pansy's down there may need medical treatments after she has pummeled the crap out of them to get her there, but hey... who's problem is that? So suck it up! The ones she can't beat down will just get a few embarrassing details, true or not, leaked about them to the press just so she can remind them not to get in her way. (OG-SC)
Momma Ruth - I could have went a LOT of ways with this name, but this is what ALL the girls at the gym know her as. Now for the dad's of the SC we could go with Jiggle's, or even Pockey Huck after this last trip of ours but we won't go there. Either way she is the oldest of Chet and Paparazzi's girls, and you can't help but to love her. She is Miss Steady Eddie with her nurturing demeanor, and a true trooper who can battle through anything on the mat. Like Foo, she is a bit flighty at times, but seems to real it back in once we all get a good laugh out of whatever outlandish statement she may have just made. Then always tells us, "I knew that." Really Pockey Huck? (OG-SC)
Lu - Caretaker for Uncle Shartly she is my mom's middle sister. Defines the term OCD. Can vacuum under a couch while you are still sitting in it! Unique cooking techniques and the most innovative recipes you have ever seen. Juicy boiled hamburgers and HARDboiled eggs like nothing you have ever tasted before!
Uncle Shartly - The shit that this guy has seen is indescribable and shit that he has been through is unreal. He has lived through it all and has some shitty stories to tell every time he comes home. This is the person who should be writing a blog and not reading my crappy one. Uncle Shartly... you are the shit! Or I guess it Depends on how you look at it, and.... you're the shits!?!?!
Crazy Legs - "Swifter than eagles. Stronger than lions!" ~ Willy Wonka. Oh wait... that is a post-op quote. Also known by many as the Buginator she is my mom's oldest sister who has a bigger case of denial than Sanjaya thinking that he can sing! With two bad knees she's not cutting a rug like she used to, but she can still bust out some Italian potato salad like a champ!
Rocco - My only uncle not from marriage, or the result of a friend that was made at a party some 40 years ago, on my mom's side of the family. As you can guess this is my mom's older, and only brother. He moved out to Vegas 40+ years ago to get away from us! Tells you how loud we are as a family huh? He finds the Poker Palace and Vegas a lot more sane then and evening at the LaRocca's with all of his sisters. He is a season ticket holder to the Raiders and has been since they came back. So he does not get too far away and visits us quite a bit during the season as fly flies in for the home games. Funny as hell and will always try to talk you into something for a good laugh. Loves a good cigar and a good drink. OK to hell with good... if you got a match and a cup he will smoke, or drink whatever you've got on hand!
Ass Clown - I know he was expecting Cock Nozzle here, but it was just too obvious. Plus I want to save that as a term of endearment for what I am thinking about you most of the time! Buddy of mine that honestly is a old rundown version of me with better hair. OK, hair. Has a sick sense of humor, never one to turn down fun (Unless the wife tells him that he has too!) and pretty much gives me a run for my money no matter what we are doing. Used to be a lot of fun to be around, but now I just think he is an asshole! 3-5 this, you prick! I hope you get lockjaw and wet yourself laughing about that shit!
Ducky - The only guy I know, besides me, who seems to have a little gray cloud raining on his head and shooting lightning out of it that follows him wherever he goes. Just another case of, "If it isn't one thing, it's another." it seems. Ducky is another one of my buddies who I have bowled, golf, played cards and drank with for many years. It was on his birthday, while yelling at Ass Clown none the less, where my infatuation with cock nozzle came to be while playing golf at Poppy last year. So Ducky... this "Cock Nozzle!" is for you! (And if anyone asks you did not see him at Hooter's!)
Silent but deadly (AKA ~ Johnny Cock Nozzle)- Ahhh... the quiet one in the group. There is always one. We can play a round of golf one day and he will shoot 80 on the front and then it seems when the money is on the line he will riffle of a few pars here and there to take down the pots. Be lost for the first two games while bowling doubles with you at Nationals, and then starts putting his ducks in a row as he gets ready for singles and sweeps his brackets to take home the cash. Never saying boo the entire time. Only because his wife keeps that red gag ball in his mouth when he is out of her site! He knows better then to mess with her, or it is the vented wooden paddle and electro shock for his nipples when he gets home. One of the nicest families you will ever meet on the outside... just don't get too drunk and have to sleep over. "No I will not try on your leather "sleeping" mask!"
Corn - This is the "Little Brown Kid" that likes to inflict pain on everyone he meets, because he is one kickass tattoo artist and everyone wants to get in his chair. Pops wanted to go and get his first tattoo and Corn was highly recommended. We kept in touch and he got me in his chair soon after. That was 15 years ago now and he have been good friends ever since. We have taught each other a lot over the years... I taught him how to drink, and he taught me there are other ways to look at life. Not the fastest or punctual of souls, but he is the finest of souls. After over 60 hours of being in his chair to this point, it is safe to say that he is with me for life. But our best work is yet to come. "What do you know about the green label?"
Corn - This is the "Little Brown Kid" that likes to inflict pain on everyone he meets, because he is one kickass tattoo artist and everyone wants to get in his chair. Pops wanted to go and get his first tattoo and Corn was highly recommended. We kept in touch and he got me in his chair soon after. That was 15 years ago now and he have been good friends ever since. We have taught each other a lot over the years... I taught him how to drink, and he taught me there are other ways to look at life. Not the fastest or punctual of souls, but he is the finest of souls. After over 60 hours of being in his chair to this point, it is safe to say that he is with me for life. But our best work is yet to come. "What do you know about the green label?"
Next time around... The Office Misfits! That will give us a nice character base to work from so those of you with weak bladders can piddle in your panties!
Until Next Time.... Toner Boy
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Now it is time to get to the heart of the matter and just jump right into the gut wrenching pain of the office staff!
The Office Misfits -
Mr. Obvious - The John Madden of the office. "When you run, you go really fast." Better suited for working in an old folks home or with preschoolers that need things repeated 3 times before they get it. It could also be from working in this place for the past 7 years, but I am not going to give him that much credit. I have heard things like, "When the phone rings, you answer it and say "Hello", or your name and see if you can help them." (I'm not touching that noisy thing!) or "You'll get calls from supervisors (Why because a normal worker can't figure it out?) telling you that the toner is out in the printer in their area and you will need to grab a new one and go replace it." (No shit? What? No toner & needle kit to refill them by hand and save a buck?) Just glad I have the background to do these kinds of tasks.
Catching Flies - Don't you learn as a child to chew your food with your mouth closed? Oh noooo. Not this one! He walks around all of the time shoving food in his pie hole with his mouth WIDE FRICKEN OPEN and smacking his lips with every chew! This in turn dries his mouth up very quickly when he talks and it creates those little white balls of spit on his lips that fly off without notice. That is not even the worse part! Think about it. These are little white already been chewed food bombs getting launched at you! All of this from an upper management person.... yeah life is fair.
Anyway - He is a technician who is a county lifer. He is honestly a super nice guy from Taiwan and even though he speaks English very well once in a while he gets stuck. Whenever he can't find the words because he wants to tell you to "Fuck Off!" or is confused about something you are telling him he just says, "Anyway." I have to stop myself from laughing all of the time because I can see it coming and building up inside of him when he is in a conversation. He won't reply or answer the question. He just looks at them and says, "Yeah well. Anyway." and that is it. End of conversation and he walks away. I just think that it is funnier than shit! (Not that shit Uncle Shartly.)
Penis - OK I know the name is harsh, and to be honest it has absolutely nothing to do with his personality, I swear it. He is the manager I report to, (Now you have to remember that there are 5 managers in my group, and me. Management is given out at the county for time served, not title earned. Nice fucking structure!) and the guy has a real weathered wrinkly face, big ears and he wears his hair so it covers his ears. If the guy were to cast a shadow it would look like a giant walking penis! To top it off, he has a pot belly that would play the role of a ball sack! Now how can I call him anything else?
Skippy the Dirty Sailor Man - First day working there the only bit of useful information that Mr. Obvious gave to me was, "Wash your hands if you touch Skippy the Dirty Sailor Man's keyboard because he never washes them after going to the bathroom." OK... good bit of information! But like anything else you never really believe it unless you see it, right? So after being there about a week there is something about Skippy that I am noticing a hell of a lot more than his hands being covered in piss. The guy seems a bit light in the loafers. So I do some sleuth work and find out that he is married with kids and is ex-navy. Hmmm, OK... can't rule it out, but maybe my gaydar was off. Then the double whammy hits. I go to the bathroom one day and he comes right over to the stall next to me to take a leak and breaks into friendly conversation while getting his parts out, and the SOB tries to sneak a peek at the twig and giggle berries! WTF? After denying him a show I finish, zip up and head to the sink. Looking down washing my hands I hear the urinal flush, the door opens and he is out of there! From that day forward I only work on his computer remotely. Sick bastard!
The Looker - OK... this one takes the cake. Not 100% sure how to explain him and do it any real justice, but I will give it a whirl. He's about 6' 5" and a manager of one of the appraisal groups. When he talks to you he will not look at you, but over you or somewhere else in the room. Never makes eye contact. It is like trying to follow Stevie Wonder's eyes when he sings! Then he talks with the verbiage and monotone style of Mr. Bentley from the Jefferson's, and in the, "Oh no you didn't!" style of Sha nay nay from In Living Color. He mixes that in with long pauses when he speaks, a lot of "Now listen." or "Here's the thing." in his sentences and a big bellowing laugh similar to James Earl Jones. Instead of Santa's Ho, Ho, Ho's... this guys gives you a Ha, Ha, Ha's! The topper... he dresses like a strait pimp! I am not talking about high dollar threads. No, no, no they are straight of the rack at Sear's I am sure. These things need to be equipped with a volume knob because his shit wears colors that even blind folks can see!
Ice Shaker - Would not even have made my character list until a few weeks ago and now he will live in infamy as the person who sent me over the edge. What makes him so special is he got to me without even talking to me! Now that he knows how to push my buttons I can be sure to hear a "rattle, rattle" at least once a day! Hope he does not have hemorrhoids because his ass is going to be real cold sooner or later!
Influenza - I have been here for just over a year and this woman has not been healthy for one day. I swear to you, right now as I type, she is over there hacking up a lung! Then when she sneezes it is a big ass over dramatic, "Aaahhhhh Ccchheewww", and not the sound of sneezing!!!! She literally says it! She does this internal, blow your head off of your shoulders kind of sneeze, and then following it up with this! It is like something from a cartoon. Then she waits for someone to say, "Bless you" and she tells them, "Oh. Sank you." I swear she is over there spewing out lead and other toxins into my cube of death while driving me nuts in the process wondering if I am going to glow when I turn the lights off tonight!
The Cracker - No, not like as in Uncle Tom's Cabin. This guy is Ednolb's soul mate. Everyday starting at 8:30 or so (In the office at least.) all I can hear from him is cube "crack", "crack", "rip", "crack", "rip" of soda cans and chip bags! I can walk by his cube at the end of the day and see 6 to 8 soda cans and 3 or 4 water bottles stacked on his desk like little villages. The trash can is always filled to the top with empty chip bags and candy wrappers. When he leaves he puts them all in a bag to take to recycle and it sounds like the serenade of Ice Shakers Last Stand!
Searching for Quarters - This poor old bastard. His wife must be a slave driver who is going to work him until he croaks or something. Frail and withered up so much that when he casts a shadow he looks like the number 7. I mean Patrick Swayze looked better during his last days then this old coot! Another fine example of tax money well spent. It takes him months to t-y-p-e a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g as he tries to focus on the keys, find the right key and then muster up the strength to push the key down! Come to find out he is a couple of years older than Pops. Damn Pops you look good! (Still can't cut a light though. Just sayin...)
Creeper - The name says it all. He is the second in command here at Chateau Le Dork. He goes around and looks at what everyone is doing from afar to make sure everyone is doing their work and not wasting the otherwise well budgeted taxpayer money. He is a stickler for detail and he can spot any infractions. But there is one flaw in his master plan of observation... every pair of shoes that he owns squeak when he walks. You can hear this *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA* dumb bastard coming from a mile away! The only person he has caught doing anything wrong was Searching for Quarters and that is because he had fallen asleep on his keyboard. The flip side of that was that Searching for Quarters has never typed faster in his life if you were looking for a run of 643,868 b's in a row. But on a positive note, he was sleeping and not dead!
Trekkie - As third on the office totem pole Trekkie is the head of all departments. Nice enough guy, but not someone that I would really want driving the bus if you know what I mean. Has what it takes to run this group of short bus riders that is for sure, but only because he can relate to the passengers. Typical Sci-Fi nerd with one of those picture booth photo's you see where you put your face on someone else's body sitting on his desk. That's right... he and his wife are now, Han Solo and Princess Leia! (AHAHAHAAH) Now there is a picture of leadership if I ever saw it! Don't know how many times I have walked into a CEO's or Senior Team Leader's office to find that Kodak moment and thought, "Now this is the man I want to follow in my career!"
The Three Muff-keteers (Larry, Mo and Curly) - There is a set of three girls is our office who spend a lot of time together outside of work, let's say. Now I have NO problems with that, and hell if they were cuter I may hit them up for some pictures, but I needed to find a way to explain them to everyone and this was the best way I could come up with so you understood how they were all linked! (Double sided toys would be my first guess.) So that is them as a group, and this is how I break them out on their own. Mo - The leader of the pack. She is the youngest in the group by far and wears the pants in this three way swap fest they have going on. Very athletic, butch and has a hair cut that looks like Hey Arnold! Larry - Sort of like the, "I am not sure I should be here, but I am single now and too old to go out looking for another man." gal. Over did it when she hopped the fence and went for the full on buzz cut and traded her long old lady skirts and sling back shoes for cargo pants and walking shoes overnight. OK, we get the point! Curly - She is the older grandma who is widowed and likes the companionship of these friends. You can tell if these two had not found her she would be a total cougar on the hunt! Likes the energy of her group and all of the activities that they participate in. Not a lifer of the sport, but is having fun seeing how it is played!
Wigglesworth - He is the head of the mapping department and the guy freaks me out a little bit. Sort of gives you that pedophile feeling. The guy is a combination of Beaker in personality (Very reserved), Doc Emmett Brown (crazy ass eyes), and sounds like Mr. Burns from the Simpson's! He is like 6' 4" or so and when he walks by your cube you can't help but notice that he has walked by. When he wants your help he just stops and stands behind you waiting to be acknowledged. WTF he is doing I have no idea! Probably looking at my ass or something. Once I turn and answer his question he answers it just like Mr. Burns, "Excellent." Freaky!!!
Dummy - This was a self imposed nickname by this woman! Without fail every Friday when it is time for her to fill out her time card she forgets her password, or at least the ability to enter it in correctly because she has the damn thing written down! It is like she is dyslexic with her keyboard. She thinks "J" and enters "Q"! So we changed all of her office passwords to include the word "dummy" somewhere in them. Big mistake! Now she can't figure out which one goes where. We have just decided to schedule a weekly phone call each Friday morning and reset her passwords for the week. Nothing too funny here, just wanted to point out the level of intelligence that I am working with here.
Munson - The fearless leader of the rubber hand brigade works with me as well. Does not have the metal claw like Roy does to pick his nose, but sure as shit he has a rubber hand that looks like a bad Halloween prop! Get this.... He even wears a watch on it! He takes his hand off to work, figure that one out, and stands his hand up on his desk with his watch facing him so he can see the fucking time! This is no bull shit. It looks like Thing from the Adam's Family is out for a walk! Needless to say that he and Searching for Quarters run neck-in-neck for last place in that evaluation category during their reviews. (Unless Searching for Quarters goes to the whip and uses his new face first technique!)
No Friends - A-typical Asian with too much money. She shows up for work with her entire closet on. I mean two coats (Fur over leather), a denim skirt over black Capri pants, with green leggings sticking out the bottom of the pants, and glossy red *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA* leather boots that look like something out of Flashdance. She will sport a golden sequence top under all of this and a red beret on her dome as if the rest wasn't enough. Seriously it looks like a Twister board threw up on her! Of course no ensemble is complete without the animal print purse that you can store a family of four in. If my camera on my phone did not make a loud ass "CLICK" sound taking a picture I would send her into The Enquirer and get $10,000 for catching her loose in the wild! Shit just as I finished this she sauntered by and I forgot to mention the fact that she is also wearing a 4 inch wide glossy black alligator print belt, and a pink and black polka dot neck scarf like Pinkie Lee from Grease!
Quasimodo - Stop the presses I have found him! His ass is not ringing any bells in some church tower, he is right here working for the county! One would assume he is the son of Searching for Quarters, or the 21st century stand-in for Lon Chaney but they would be wrong. He is just another ugly goof that I can say that I have worked with. (People know how hard of a time I have talking to ugly people so you can only imagine what I am going through with this guy! I know I am no picture of perfection myself, (Hell I know I have aged like milk and not wine!) but I am used to talking to myself!) Every time he comes around the corner of my cube to ask me a question I flinch like someone said, "BOO!" and I tell him to give me a minute to catch my breath.
The Throat - Ahhhh the lady with the broken flapper! I don't know if it is turrets syndrome or the bitch just needs a Ricola, but she never stops clearing her damn throat. I mean my gawd! How the people on her side of the office have put up with it and not impaled her on her note stake on her desk is beyond me. *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA* It is crazy! I walk by there and I am looking for a cough drop or something to give me a hint to what her issue is. I mean she has not started dropping "F-Bomb's" or telling the lady in the cube next to her that she is a ball licker, or anything like that. It will remain a mystery right up until that tragic note stake accident she is going to have.
The Whisperer - I am guessing that this lady has been in trouble with her manager for being technically incompetent so many times that she has become a little punchy. Every time that she calls me, with a problem or not, she is literally whispering when she talks! No matter how many times I say "Huh?" in the conversation her voice never gets any higher. It is like we are passing secrets in the office or something! So to make sure she calls someone else in the office for help, last week as I walked back to help her I said as I walked by her managers area, "What is it that you can't figure out this time?" Problem solved.
Funk and Wagnalls - This guy swallowed a dictionary and he throws it up every time you talk with him! You cannot have a conversation without "superfluous" or "acrimonious" being used when discussing daily office life. An older gentleman with a resume full of life's experiences to his credit, very well schooled and refers to me as "Genius" so he can't be all that bad! But dude... come on. You are that smart and you work here? As a lifer? And you are not even a managing appraiser? Really? Either you really have pissed in someone's Corn Flakes or you just put on one hell of a show! Sad to say... one of the only people I can hold an intelligent conversation with in this office.
Mr. Fro-Rogers - Nice guy. Not a lot to say about him. I just wanted to point out that I have a guy here in the office that looks, and dresses like Mr. Rogers! I shit you not! (Not you Uncle Shartly.) OK... maybe they don't look that much alike. He does have a head like Bunsen Honeydew and he sports a needle perm with a Magnum PI stash going on. But besides that... a dead ringer! Hmmmm... Maybe more of a BJ Hunnicutt with a fro? Ahhhh you won't hear much about him anyway. Just thought that he looked funny and everyone needed to be made aware of him. Onward...
Which one do I look at? - There are a multitude of problems here. First of all there is about a 3 inch gap between her eyes almost pointing off of the sides of her head. Second thing is that she wears super thick glasses, that only point out this problem, as it makes her look like one of those squeeze toys you see during Halloween that the eyes bug out. Last and FAR from least.... her eyes... they... *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA* they... they point different ways!!! So if you look at her straight on (at the bridge of her nose) her eyes are set out as wide as her shoulders with one pointing at your ear and the other pointing at the floor next to you!
Corn on the Cob Through a Tennis Racket - I know this one is not very nice and I am sure I could have come up with something else for her, but damn. I swear it looks like it was the end of a really long day for God, he's had a couple of beers and he is on his last creation. He reaches down into the bin for some teeth and realizes that there are no full sets left. Only some fragments that chipped off and a handful of loose ones that had fallen out in advance for some crack babies he had created earlier in the day. Thinks how tired he is and how he does not feel like getting up since the beer cooler is right there next to him and the teeth are in the cabinet across the room. He says, "Fuck it." reaches into the bowl and grabs a handful of "tooth's", tells her to smile, leans back and fires a fastball at her grill. "Good enough." he says while cracking open another beer. "Pick off anything not stuck to your gums and you are good to go!" he tells her. As she walks away he says to himself, "Wow! Last time I do that unless they are from the South...."
Pigpen - Total slob, overweight, who from what I have seen or smelled, likes to eat foods high in sulfur! OK. This lady sits in a part of our office with low cube walls, and one day when I was working in her area blows out her ass ring! She just sat there and kept on working like nothing had ever happened. People in the cubes around her decided that it was time for break and got the hell out of there like the building was on fire! I try to stay low and get out without being burned and then I am hit in the face with what tasted like a shitty fish and grilled onion burrito. Yes, it was so bad it left a taste in my mouth! Oh my dear Lord here comes my McDonald's fruit and yogurt parfait that I had for breakfast!
McNasty - He is a little Pizano from the old country who I will not be claiming any time soon. This guy is a nice enough guy, but he is just a slob. You look in his cube and it is like someone has been throwing crumb grenades or something. This sick thing is.... they are all ground up so fine I can't tell if they are food crumbs, or...... ewwwwww.... dead skin. Just threw up in my mouth a little. Yeah I know fucking sick... blah, blah, blah. Try living this shit yourselves assholes! If he were black he would be a pile of ash! That is how bad his shit is. OK... can't talk about this one anymore. Going to blow chunks. No Albert... not the dog, my lunch.
Rain Man - Not the movie guy! This one can pee for hours on end! He is your typical Ward Cleaver sort of guy. Real quiet and just does his job. But MY LORD it is like he has humps on his back to store all that piss! You can go in with him at the same time, take a leak, wash your hands, check your nose for any shrapnel, fix your hair and adjust your shirt before this guy is done watering the lawn. Funny how so many folks are talked about on here for their bathroom skills!! Or lack of bathroom edicate.
OK everyone. Towel off. That is it for today. Ya'll have a better idea now of some of the crap I have to put up with, so no more wondering why I bitch like a school girl not getting her way!
(Deb you better get Adam Sandler onto my blog because this shit is made for him!)
Until next time my next addition of these gems, this is Toner Boy signing out!
