"DUNT DUNT DUNNIT... DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DUNNIT DUN DUNT DUNT DUNNIT....DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DINIT DUNNN DUNT DUNT ...DINT DUNT DANT DANT DANT DERRT DERRRT DERRRNT DERRRNT DEERNT DERRRRRR...."
OK... I have nothing big today, I just have nothing else to fricken do! So I will attempt to humor you with some of my childish witticisms.
I hope that like my wife, you are all easily impressed! (How else can I explain why she is still with me?)
A few notes....
A note to any baby calf that is stepping up to the bar for a sip of milk..... There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. The wrong way is walking up behind your mother, or any udder mudder (other mother - for you slow people!) you see, and stick your head between her legs to get a drink. Take a few extra steps and walk to the side for optimal access with the least amount of fall out. Literally. If you have not noticed this before, you will notice it now, there is an escape hatch located on the backside right above your head when you use this point of access. This evacuation point can, and will be, used at any time without notification of your hosting bartender. So please be aware if you choose to proceed that you may get covered in excrement and ruin your beverage. Or in the case of the driver watching this happen... you ruin his ability to see where he is driving through his tears.
A note that you are never to old to learn the properties of physics..... Do you ever stop to think about what makes things happen? Or are you even aware things are happening without you noticing? If you pour water into a body of water, it will splash no matter what you do. The splash will be a little bigger when they first come into contact with one another, but there will still be some small residual splashing as you continue to pour. That is just what happens when two liquids meet. Now if you raise the height or intensify the stream of water you are pouring the splash and splatter while pouring will dramatically increase throughout this process. If you were to add say a solid object to the mix, any time the water begin poured would in turn spray or redirect itself as it is not able to penetrate through a solid object. Let's see how this works!
- We will call our test subject Bill. Bill enters the public restroom of the Alameda County Administration Building after being in his car for the past hour and has consumed 91 ounces of Starbucks coffee. Bill really has to pee. Once Bill parks his vehicle, walks a quarter of a mile, makes his way through the metal detectors after having to take his shoes off because the lights and sirens went off for no reason as he passed through them, has to sit down in a chair to try and cautiously put his shoes back on by leaning over and putting even more pressure of his already frail bladder! Once his shoes are half way back on, Bill races to the restroom. Bill, wearing shorts mind you, comes into the bathroom to find a man (me) it the far left hand stall of the three stalls that are on the wall. Not wanting to have his man card taken from him, or take any chance to someone looking at his goods, Bill goes to the far right hand stall that it located about an inch off of the floor for the short Pacific Rim people working in the building and any newborn who happens to come in to talk to the tax collector about his property tax bill. Bill, with his notepad and folder under one arm, is already releasing the Kraken from his shorts as he is walking up to receive his lesson in physics. Bill has no ability to stop this impending disaster, so this lesson was going to take place whether Bill wanted to learn it or not! Bill may also think twice before putting himself into this position in the future, and what he can do to prevent it from happening again. After watching this... I suggest rubber thigh high waders. Bill commences peeing with an initial urine stream at about 315 psi. The urine stream hits the top back wall of the urinal and proceeds to spray back onto Bill's exposed legs as if he were being hit by a Super Soaker 3000! Bill at this point is just so enthralled in the excitement of his actions that it takes him a moment to realize the error in his aim. As Bill peers down to see the mess he has caused he tries to reconcile by restricting the flow of urine and search for another target. Bill spots the water at the bottom of the urinal where his pee will eventually escape to the source of our drinking water. (Just sayin)
A note to people who have not learned that farts, are sticky..... If you leave your work space to seek help from others, it is a good idea not to drop wolf bait before you go and assume that it will be gone once you return! Farts are methane that is in your body. When you expel built up pressure out the backdoor odor will usually follow. Now not all farts have to smell, or hang around for a long time. Smell comes from sulfurs in your system, or methane going around the one you have in the chamber ready to launch and bringing little poop particles along for the ride so you can share with the rest of us. Hence the term, "Right off the turd." Now the more methane only... the more likely that the fart come and goes quickly.... low sticky factor. The more mud in the pipes that you have the longer the thing hangs around because those little turd crumbs are now stuck to everything around you and need some time to dry out. Now one should not take the chance and assume that it was a methane build up and bring someone back to their work space only to take a breath and figure out that a trip to the ass gasket motel may soon be in order. Now you see where the saying, "Assume.... makes an ass out of you and me." No... the real term was, "Share my ass with you and me."
A note to Carly about knowing when it is a good time to make jokes..... It is always fun to laugh at others, hence my blog. But if you are going to do it, be smart about it. If you are a public figure with every one's eyes and ears on you at all times, be VERY smart about it. No one is saying you can't enjoy these simple pleasures in life, just make sure that there are no electronic items within eye or ear shot of you when you do it! Just sayin. Not that she was lying about Barbara's hair, but to be caught laughing out loud with her mic turned on. Ouch! Hey Carly... it is not like you look like you spent more than $29.95 on a Flowbee for yours, but to rip into Barbara THREE times in a row with your mic open... wait... even wearing a mic while making those comments and just about rolling on the floor laughing about them! What were you thinking? Not the best thing to do the day after winning your seat so you can run for Senator of this jacked up state. More copious notes next time Carly. But, do you want to know the truth? Makes me want to vote for you more! GO Carly! You are going to get your ass handed to you, but that was classic. What about Meg and Jerry? Damn come out swinging at the first bell why don't you? I can tell her and Brown are going to drag each other through the mud on this one. Hey Meg... talk about his manhood like Carly did Barbara's hair! "Hey Jerry... You've got a little dick and I faked it with you!" Politicians... or comedians? You decide. All I know if Robin Williams ever runs for anything I will be his campaign manager. The Clown and Toner Boy!
For some reason I have had more today overall then I have had in quite a while. To all of you who have played your little part in my mind circus... I thank you. Time for me to catch the crosstown bus and see the sights and sounds of the city. Maybe I can see if Ron wants to go for a bus ride with me and Bill as we look for bad haircuts and small manhood of our candidates? I know I am not getting off until I see something that I have never seen before! Bill... go pee before we leave. I'd hate to ruin Ron's nice suit.
Toner Boy
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