I know. I have fired myself.
I know there is no excuse for my lack of production here, but to be honest I had not had the gumption to write or even breathe these days. I would use the term there is no led left in the pencil, but I am sure you were all well aware of that fact already. Why beat a dead tree? Wait…. that's horse. OK I am neither one of those.
Let me try and cover some ground here just to get back up to my present day hell.
Ever wanted to kill someone for the sounds that they make while eating an apple? No? Well Ice Shaker is a bite away from having his next breath include the core. Maybe a sapling will sprout and he can grow his own variety of apples out of his ass? Would they be Ass Ice Apples? Or maybe Booty Shaker Apples? Either way, if I do not get the hell out of here soon I am going to make headline news!
Let’s see… I left off about 10 days ago on here. Since then we did have the fundraiser for the girls and I would like to thank everyone for coming out and making it a great event! Silent but deadly has been upgraded to Johnny Cocknozzle for his card play that weekend. Then again I did play like a dick since I had a whirlwind of crap going on that day. Caught up with an old friend after almost 18 years. It was great to see him and hope we get to spend more time together down the road. Hack came out and won some money, along with After 6 who I had to beg to play in the first place. Had a long time family friend win the raffle who could not be there, but he did buy $100 in tickets so it was very well deserved! Once again we thank him for his support!!!! Next time be there so when you win I can at least play you liars dice for the money! I know you used to whip my ass when I was a kid, but you have gotten older and have lost the ability to lie like you could in your younger days…. and let’s face it, I am in my prime!
Went out to the water on that Sunday to check out the progress at the restaurant and things are moving along. Working with the owner on the menu and other items at this point. Once we are open come on out and see me on the weekends! If eating my food is not enough, Pops and Uncle Shartly will be there every weekend to provide entertainment. OK, Uncle Shartly will be providing the entertainment, and Pops will be there to stir the pot!
Last week at work was another bedsore of pleasure sitting on my ass and watching it spread to the edges of my chair here in the office. I did have a few meetings to attend to and that is why I was unable to keep you all in stitches as I reached for my rope of sanity though words. All be it bad grammar, but words nonetheless. It is annual report time and employee evaluations for the brain trusts of this booby hatchery, so the upper tier paste eaters can look down their booze filled noses at the little people such as myself. Like I give a rats ass what they have to say when it rolls around to my turn? Oh speak of the devil!!!! I just got an email from Penis, “I am doing your eval – need your goals.” My goals? Get me the FUCK out of here!!!!! People really have goals around this place????? Are you kidding me? “Yes… I aspire to be in an increased roll of under utilization and pride smashing tasks under your stoic leadership!” You dick wad. Sorry… Penis wad.
The Throat just walked by. Wonder if I karate chop her in the gizzard as hard as I can if it will clear up whatever in the hell is in there that she is trying to clear? Might make her feel better. I know I would feel better.
*Click* Hey Hunny…. ”Why are you crying in the stairwell... Sacajawea???” Sorry, back to your regularly scheduled programming. *Click*
Really. What in the hell am I going to say in this goals???? Live at 5, HELP ME! What do you tell someone your goals are when all you want to do is run from this place and go screaming into the night??? I think I am just going to list the blogs web address on the damn thing and tell him to figure it out himself.
Last week I had someone tell me in an email, “No. You are wrong.” when talking about something in relation to computers. Nothing to support what they are saying, just that I was wrong. Oh really???? Well, well my friend… let’s test those waters, shall we? Being the asshole that I am I of course replied to their email and added their manager so they could see how inept their employee really was. Like they didn’t already know that? After lambasting them with facts in paragraph after paragraph I threw in the kidney shot by pointing out to them that it is wise to support such statements whenever possible, especially when discussing a topic with someone who has been in, or part of, the business for 16+ years now in lead, design, management and administration positions. I bet they read it thinking to themselves, “I thought that he was just our Toner Boy?”
Creeper just stopped over for a computer talk. Sounds like he has new shoes. Must have been a riveting weekend for him at Buster Brown’s for him!
There was so much bullshit on that list of goals that fly’s were circling my monitor!
On Wednesday night I went to the bi-weekly poker league night with Ass Clown and Johnny Cocknozzle. Even though I am out of the running for the leagues end of session free roll, I had to go JUST to get even with Cocknozzle for the fundraiser. I did! Ahhhh… the world was a better place for a few minutes. Thank you.
Thursday after work I went over to Corn’s to see McLovin get his tattoo worked on, and to hang out with Best Friend and One-T. Stayed as long as my eyes would let me and watched Corn knock out a real nice piece on a kids shoulder and put McLovin in some pain as he worked on his ribcage. I must say that it is nothing that I would ever get, or would have thought that he would ever get, but Corn you did one hell of a job! That thing is SICK!!!! Can’t wait to get in the chair to get some new ink myself one of these days soon. Hope my credit is still good with Corn, because I am too poor to poke! Right Hunny?
Friday I went to the races in Sonoma with McLovin, Pops and After 6. Had a good time hanging out with them and had a few cocktails along the way! Got cold as hell at night and we got out of there a little early so the blood would flow back to our extremities. Did not miss anything though. Not long after we left a Funny Car blew its lid, literally, and the clean up took them up to the curfew at 9 so Top Fuel never got a chance to run.
Saturday I was just out of it. For some reason I was so tired I could not stay awake to save my life. Hell Hunny could have offered me ass and I would have passed. I know! Went with Pops down to the restaurant and looked around. Not much progress is being made at this point because of some equipment hang-ups they are having with their vendor. Pops and I went and had a beer after we left there and once we got back to his house I crashed again for about an hour. After we went home Hunny got everything ready for a trip to Pinecrest on Sunday and I went upstairs and was out for the count yet again!
Got up early on Sunday and made breakfast for all of us. Waited for McLovin to show up and called to find out that his alarm never went off and that he was still in bed! So me and the girls went to meet up with The SC and we headed up to the lake. Great day out and everyone had a great time. Learned that Momma Ruth cannot choose a boyfriend or a bathing suit that I approve of, and that the SPF on sun block is about as accurate as the weather guy on the 11 o’clock news. It was unreal the amount of people that showed up at that place as the day went on! I mean it was a Sunday and people were still showing up there at 3 in the afternoon when we were leaving! One quick side note…. Chet just about beheaded Little Miss with a Nerf football while we were there! Way to go Chet! Should have drilled old droopy pants instead for not being bright enough to know how to wear his pants properly!!!! Momma Ruth... the Dad’s of The SC are taking you bathing suit and boy shopping next year!
And here we are. All caught up to today and enjoying this fungus experiment in the fridge of life! Now I am going to figure out how to kill the next 3 hours and 44 minutes so I can go home and get ready to do this all again tomorrow. At least I can watch Avatar this week in the car during lunch after I borrowed it from Turbo without asking.
I would also like to thank McLovin for my lunch today. Since he did not come with us yesterday I got to eat his sandwich that Hunny made for him! Damn it was good by the way!
I will be making my calls out to Corn all week so I can sit in his chair and get my arm finished up and a few things added to it as well. If I am going to deal with pain it might as well be for something that I enjoy, right?
Poker at Ass Clown’s house this Saturday to look forward to as well. See if I can continue to get even with Johnny Cocknozzle. Damn I hold grudges. Anyone else out there want to play that is not with us normally? Hack? Anyone? Ass Clown said we could come and drink all his booze! Or was that bring your own? Naw… drink his.
Still tired as hell by the way. I have slept more this weekend then I have in months. Must have a bug. Either that or my ass is so fat I can’t breathe and my brain is lacking oxygen.
Hunny wants me to make some grilled pizza’s so maybe I will do that on Saturday and bust out some empanada’s to take to Ass Clown’s. After all, I need to make pizza dough. What do you think Ducky? “Pork chops, and apple sauce”? Oh that’s right…. You’re not going to be there. My bad. Ass Clown will let you lick the cookie sheet the next time you are there.
I feel my IQ dropping every time I watch Big Brother this year. OK…. every year. But come on the Big Red Machine there needs a ball gag for her laugh. Johnny, can the Misses lend us yours? There is proof that a nice rack can get you places you want to go. I could never be around her because every time I told a smart ass joke I would have to listen to her fricken laugh. Guess that is why the Swim Coach is good for her, because he is just social dud. Yeah ladies… washboard abs. We get it. You would find his farts charming. Glad people aren’t shallow. WTF? Someone points out a cute guys faults and it is a sin, but yet you are ready to pile on your mates like wolf pounces on a wounded deer.
Influenza has been out for quite some time as you can see. Wonder if the doctor decided to give her a deep clean and found out she was just a big pile of dirt and washed her down the drain? No I am sure she will be here to drive me nuts soon enough. Until then I am going to get ahead of the game…. *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA*
Damn I have only wasted like 15 mins rambling on. What does a guy have to do? Let me check Facebook and the news to see if I can find anything worth point out and laughing at people.
*Elevator music*
Gingrich says he may make a presidential run in 2012. Isn’t it illegal to have a president named Newt?
MSN lists the top 8 lowest paying jobs in America. I would like to point out #9 to them. 2 of the out of the 8 revolved around the food we eat. And you wonder why there are mass recalls for Crazy Cow, Humped Chicken and the always popular, “Oops, sorry forgot to wash that.” fruits and veggies we eat? Why is it with food people throw the term ‘you get what you pay for’ out the window?
Jolie says her new thigh tattoo is for Brad only. What does it say, “Stick it in and see what nationality we get this time!”?
BP is still trying to plug the well in the Gulf. I wonder if they have called Tampex to see if they might have a solution? I know that there are some holes out there that no one else thought could be plugged and they came through for them!
A Livermore man was arrested for insurance fraud. Apparently soon after his insurance was canceled this guy got into a wreck. He called his insurer 2 hours after the accident and renewed his policy because he noticed the report was dated for the next day. He drove an 88 Honda Prelude. What did he screw Gieco out of? $150 in damages? Shit after $200 the thing is totaled.
10,300 Bay Area jobs lost in June alone. HP is closing a campus in the Bay Area as well before the end of the year. Last week the Federal Chief said that the recovery is in full swing, today he says the pace is slowing. Here is a bit of advice for my “Instant Satisfaction” crowd. You “experts” need to hold your thoughts until there is proof of an actual trend. Try looking at the cause and effect of things for more than a 30 day window. After 6 months of sustained proof, then go out there and give us your thoughts. We do not need to hear from you every morning to see what you think is going to happen with the world’s money that day. Bottom line things suck for many American families. Nothing is going to turn around for any of us in a month’s time. Yeah… things are just rock solid out here in the world’s 4th largest economy.
Obama tells the Senate that it is imperative that they pass extended unemployment benefits at tomorrow’s vote, yet he is left holding the bag. Obama did not cut off your unemployment checks, the Senate did. The man has been blamed for everything since he is going out there and rocking the boat and just being a man of color. Ease up… the rich white guys are going to give you your money back tomorrow. Obama had some of his old South Side friends pay a few of them a visit over the weekend and they understand how it affects us little people. Chill.
FDA does not give the green light to a diet pill that has been sold in Europe for many years that has shown no side effects or damage to the heart as many pills have before, and has been successful in over half of the people the FDA studied. Rumor has it that Jillian Michaels did not want her pocketbook dipped into and told them to mind their own business it is only holiday weight these people are carrying.
Since when did it become cool to throw Apple under a bus? Damn. You know what sucks is they has given us the best thing on the market since sliced bread, and all anyone can do is bitch! Some of you twisted bastards actually want to sue this guy for putting a faulty product on the market. What, none of you have bought anything from QVC or an infomercial before? You buy those things knowing that you are getting ripped off and you still do it time and time again.
There is a Mehserle rally currently going on in Walnut Creek. Reports say that Starbucks will be given out for free to keep the problematic yuppie crowd out there under control. Decaf of course. Twitter reports say that there will also be staged protests at Barnes and Noble where no one will make purchases of items unless they are discounted at least 15%.
Speaking of Twitter you can now follow this stupidity on Twitter as well @Toner_Boy, or however in the hell that thing works. It is official. My wife is right. I am a Twit.
OK…. 2 hours left to go. Not too bad. Not real good either.
I have bored the crap out of you enough.
Toner Boy
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