Man's best friend... yeah right!

There are a few things that I do not mind about my drive into work and the occasional laughter is one of them.

As I am driving around the Lake to the office this morning I was spending a few minutes appreciating the exercise gear worn in the warmer months by a few of the fit ladies out for their morning run. (It is only looking, so save your comments!) There is a grass buffer between the sidewalk and the street where I see a heavy set man and his dog who has just finished his morning business. (It is SO much better than the mornings where I drive by in time to see a dog in his military hunch, grinding one out with a look on his face like, "Uhhhh I needed to drink more water." or, "Did you have to feed me that peanut butter you asshole?" and looking at you in your car as you drive past.)

I only mention that the person was heavy set, OK fat, because once his dog has done his doodie it was time for the owner to do his duty. The man starts to squat down with his plastic bag on his right hand and his dogs leash in his left. To brace himself he places his left hand on his knee as he reaches to wrap his right hand around that warm grass cookie left behind by his best friend. Well his buddy has his own agenda and certain things seem to take precedence over the fact that "Master" is picking up your feces with his own hand. Yeah I know there is a plastic bag between the two, but come on! It is paper thin!  You know as he is grabbing this warm pile of reworked table scraps from the night before that he wants to gag as he can feel the heat transfer from it to his palm!

As his fat ass had just about corralled that last chunk of warm butt brownie into his hand, not to mention that I am sure he is just about out of breath from the pressure being applied to his ribcage from his gut... it happens. Ever see the movie UP? Then the term, "Squirrel!" means a lot to you right about now. Something catches the dogs eye as the man is fumbling with the turds trying to grab them all with a precise grip. (Come on... grip it too soft and you just keep dropping the butt nuggets like he was doing. But if you grip it to firm you take the chance of your finger going through that hand condom and right into poop. Now tell me... which grip are you going to lean towards? Yeah... you would be fumbling the dogs crap as well!) With no regard for his best friend who is out of breath and picking up his shit with his hand the dog goes "Squirrel!" on his ass!

The dog attempts to dart across the street for something more appealing to him while the slack in the leash has become a thing of the past, and it looks like a fishing line going taut with a monster on the hook! This in turn yanks the mans hand off of his knee which he is using to still allow a few wisps of wind into his lungs as he braced for his morning Easter egg hunt. "And DOOOWWWN goes Frazier!!!! Down goes Fraizer!" This poor man with his arm half ripped out of the socket does a face plant. Lucky for him that he is still on this mow strip of grass, and that his dogs crap is in his hand and not embedded into his teeth at this point. I do have 20:1 odds that the surprise of his dog bolting made increase that squeeze factor of his right hand a weee bit higher than he would have cared to. He bet he will go and wash his hands extra good this morning and avoids picking his teeth with those 5 fingers any time soon. Just sayin.

I am easily entertained. What can I say?

Toner Boy