The weekend that was....

Need….. coffee. Need….. coffee.



Hello. How are you today? Good? That is just great.


Well it is another Monday. Just the crappiest day of the week for those of us who despise what we do! Not to mention the people that swarm around us to make sure you hate your day as much as humanly possible. After all, how can you be productive if you are enjoying yourself or your surroundings?


Let’s kick this off with a weekend recap from my land of Oz.


Friday after work I went and met McLovin, Pops and Fuzz at Hooters for a beer and wings. The downfall to what has been a pretty good weekend. Don’t get me wrong, had a good time hanging out with the boys and all, but I just have not felt right since that night. Maybe a bad wing or something? I know they only hire the top of the line chefs to work there so that can’t be it. Must have been a spoiled beer or something. Well anyway. Good time on Friday night.

Yeah.

Saturday we got up and went over to Turbo’s to cook some grub. I wanted to make empanada’s to take over to Ass Clown’s for our poker night and then food for the family to eat. Mid way through we get a call from my cousin’s wife up in Paradise that their house was on fire. She was not home, so she had no idea what was going on. My cousin and their oldest son were at home and he had just called and told her to get home. That was all the information that any of us had to go on for quite awhile. Well then we get the follow up call once she got home. They lost everything. The house burnt to the ground and they have been unable to salvage much of anything. So sorry you guys!!! We have always been here for each other and we are all still here for you now. We have all been asking around and have had a great response from people about any old furniture, clothes or anything to help them get back on their feet. I want to thank all of you now who have helped and those who continue to help them moving forward. It will mean the world to them. They are starting over from scratch in every sense of the word. Bert I have some undies I can pass along to you. I will even give you the ones without any holes in them. Just the kind of guy I am.

That night I went over to Ass Clown’s place for a pick me up, some poker, a few drinks and some fun. Had McLovin drop me off over there so I did not have to drive after having a few drinks. Played cards with Johnny Cocknozzle, Ass Clown and a few of his other friends. Our buddy Sarge is transferring down to San Diego in a few days, so this was sort of a goodbye until next time party for him and his family from us. Or at least until he gets that phone call to come and bail us out of a So Cal jail! Well one drink led to another and before you knew it there were truths being spilled and too much information being shared by all! Had a great time and a ton of laughs though! Going to miss you and your wonderful family Sarge. Oh yeah… just a little bit of news to pass along… they were all my bitches on the poker table that night. Up yours Johnny Cocknozzle and Ass Clown! Long live Toner Boy! Won all three. Well until Sarge’s wife took all my money, hid it in her top, bottoms, and any other opening that she could find! They all seemed to have a good time fishing it out though. Got most of my money back, but at that point I really did not want them to look any further than they already have with a waiver of consent being signed! McLovin came and took me back home and got groped for his efforts by Sarge’s wife. Just her way of saying thanks I guess!

Once we pulled up I see my neighbors sitting outside having a drink. I can’t be rude so I wander over and sit down and enjoy some of their spirits before going in and calling it a night. Now over at Ass Clown’s house we have already had a large variety of booze as you can tell by how the night had ended over there. We had started with beer, Jagermeister shots, vodka shots, citron vodka shots, Goldschlager shots, Patron Silver shots, and then some green thing that Sarge’s wife brought me. The funny thing is I was not torn up! Well in the head at least. My stomach had a far different opinion still from the other night. Back to my neighbors gathering. I walk up and see that they are drinking from an almost frozen bottle of Hennessy. Now how in the hell can I pass that up? So I sit with them for 2 hours and proceed to finish their bottle and whatever beers we could find. Yeah… now I am tore up! Wander in the house and crash before my body decides to take matters into its own hands and self purifies! Would have tried to mount the wife, but at that point… I wouldn’t even do me, so why should she deal with it? Must not have been too drunk if I stopped to figure out how my current state would affect her. Must have known that grossing her out for me to get some drunk sex (that I won’t even recall in the morning!), would greatly diminish any chance of future sober sex that I would much rather have. In order for that to happen I first just have to get her drunk! Anywhoooo…..


Sunday….. not fun day. Got up after a typical 5 hours of sleep for me and wandered slowly and quietly downstairs at 7. Watched a little prerace for the Brickyard, ate some bread to calm the belly, text with Ass Clown to find out that he found another $30 at his place from the looting of my cash, ate some more bread and laid in my big chair. Got a text from Sarge and about pissed myself laughing at him and his wife from recalling the night before and events that took place that morning. We all agreed…. it was going to be a long day! The girls all finally made it downstairs one at a time. The little ones played on the computers while Hunny and I laid there and watched the race until Juan knocked Jr. out of it. We got ready and went over to my parents house to make some Sunday dinner. Pops and I ran out to the restaurant to check things out. Things are looking good and I can’ wait to get going in there on the weekends. I think it is going to be a LOT of fun. Pops had to hand me a beer or two to try and bring me around. They did good on contact, but the long term prognosis was not good! After getting home…. yeah no. I don’t like hearing about this stuff and I really don’t want to share. Let’s just say I feel better today. Tired as hell, but better. This mocha I am drinking with 6 shots of espresso in it right now is helping ease the weight on my eyelids. Not a lot, but easing it. After all this place is capable of putting a meth addict to sleep! I have got $20 that says I will still be out like a light in the Batmobile at lunch watching the insides of my eyelids and not Big Bang Theory!


Now we are right back here. Monday. The only thing that I know I can look forward to at this point is my haircut tonight. When that is all you know you have to look forward to in a day, life has become sad. But you know…. all 6 of the hairs on my head can really use a cut, so I am happy about that right now.


Creeper is pulling people aside into my lab for closed door conversations. Now if he really needs to talk to people and does not want others hearing what the conversation is all about, don’t you think a great place for that would be in his office WAY up front where no one else is? Why would you keep pulling them into the computer lab? Afraid that they will doze off if they have to sit in a chair and listen to you? Damn.


Funk and Wagnalls just tried to have a covert conversation with me under his breath. Now if you want to have a conversation with someone try not to use words that require a dictionary to translate at whisper levels. At those levels pedestrian and prostitution sound the same! Just sayin.


Influenza is still MIA. Bad for her… good for my sanity.


Skippy is wearing light gray slacks, a peach shirt, white belt and white leather shoes. Tell me he is not flaming!


Left hand itches. It is my turn to win the Lotto tonight. Bert we are going to have your stuff replaced in no time at all now! I will even swing for the handle of Crown!


Hmmm… wonder if I should have drank coffee with a stomach that is only a few hours on the side of good. Guess I will find out soon enough.


If I at least had nothing to do… it would be one thing on my plate right now! Now I know how that congressman got in trouble for looking at porn during one of their sessions. It is hard to look busy when you have nothing to do without porn being involved! I am down to writing dirty stories and reading them to myself! I must say… they read better than this thing does. “It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told. It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Now it places the lotion in the basket.” That is some good writing huh? I know… typical porn with no plot. Why does it sound familiar to me? Oh well. Is anyone else craving leg of lamb with mint jelly?


OK… well it is nap time. Sorry lunch time. Going to go heat up my food and go to sleep in it. I hope everyone has a good day and if you have any donations that you would like to pass along to my cousin and his family they are all greatly appreciated. If you are unsure what others have already donated, please contact Turbo and she will help you out with that information.


Toner Boy

I have seen Elvis....

No that was Dale Earnhardt Sr. cause I don't think Elvis can drive like that!

Ya'll know how I am about the roads, and I can be a LITTLE judgemental when it comes to the way others drive.  Well this morning I have seen the light!  I watched the 2nd coming of Sr. slice and dice her way through traffic (What little there was.) like an absolute champ!  What made it so special?  She was nice about it!  I mean this girl just rolled her way through cars like Mozart wrote the piano concerto's.  It was a thing of beauty to behold for sure.  About 5 miles later I confirmed this with some douche bag bump drafting his way through the fast lane and just driving up every cars ass until they moved out of his way!

Once I got to work I watched the pilot episode of Big Band Theory and laughed my ass off in the car.  Sheldon just kills me!  The best line of that episode is when they meet Penny for the first time and invite her to come to their apartment for lunch.  Penny asks, "So what do you guys do for fun?'  Sheldon tells her, "Today we tried to masturbate for money!" (They went to the genius sperm bank and Sheldon got scared so they just walked out.) Leonard just drops his head knowing she has no idea what in the hell he is talking about.  I love it!

Happy Friday as they say!  I don't know why people are so happy about Friday's to be honest.  It just reminds me that in 2 days I need to be back in this house of emotional castration.  I mean Saturday's are not bad, but Sunday's just suck!  It is like waiting on death row knowing what tomorrow is going to bring me.  The chair!  God the chair would be SO much nicer at this point.  At least I would have an excuse for wetting myself for the switch being flipped and hundreds of thousands of volts were running through my body.  Here I just piss my pants because my brain has gone numb from dealing with this group of School House Rock failures!  I mean how did, "Conjunction junction, what's your function?" not catch on with any of them?  Hey I did not say I applied what I have learned, but I know the damn song!

Crap!  How is it only 9:36?  This is going to be a long ass day.

I have just lost all mojo to do this right now.  Check back with you later. *Hold Music*

An hour and 7 minutes later.... still nothing. *Hold Music*

OK I have left you on hold long enough.  I know it does not seem like it but it has been almost 4 hours since I first put you on hold.  I love how good music makes the time go by so much faster.  Even though I did have some great laughs from Big Bang Theory at lunch, I still have nothing.  Damn and I was all fired up this morning too!

The only thing worth noting in the news is they are trying to let yet another POS free in Tracy.  Like we don't have enough freaks out here in our neck of the woods?  If you are a resident of Tracy make sure you are heard.  Go online to tracypress.com and the number to call and voice your anger about them trying to release a convicted killer loose in our town!

If you are knocked up and trying to complete any sort of mortgage based transaction your odds of that happening just decreased 5 fold!  They are now taking that into account when approving your application because of decreased income and the possibility that you make not be physically able to return to work because of any complications that may occur.  Really???

Per the Fed if government stops giving us their money to spend we are up shit creek without a paddle.  It took the Fed to point this out?  Taking the average income and removing the cost of living, average debt carried by American's and then the number of people just on unemployment alone did not raise a red flag to you?  That is not counting the millions who have either used it all up, or are not eligible for it in the first place!  This is not like trying to unlock the mystery of the pharaohs here!  Wall Street may not see the impact right away because that is a rich boys playground... but what is left of the middle class will be washed down the drain!

Lebron is the most hated man in Ohio.  No shock there.  Replace Lebron with Tiger.  If Ohio were Tigers wife.... they would take him back.  Hell they would take him back and set him up on dates each weekend.  Never has one person destroyed the economy in one entire state like Lebron just did this month.  If he really wants to have an hour TV special he should go reality and try driving across the state in a red and black Miami Heat painted convertible in three years, playing salsa music and see if he lives!  Now that would be good TV.  Hell... want to raise money?  Make that sum-bitch Pay Per View.  I would give up $19.95 for that all day long!  I will throw in an extra Jackson if he gets ear holed by a bottle going through the financial district.  At least what's left of it.

Speaking of bad things in the Mid-West.... Blagojevich.  Now there is a real winner, huh?  Guess we will know soon enough if the squirrel is going to be stay out of his cage, or get in one!  Either way... what a used car salesman sleazeball this guy is.  Elect Toner Boy, and I will fix politics.  Hey no matter how bad I screw up I can never top half of the crap these guys have done! "No, you are going to be my humidor.  Let me just put it in there and soak for a while. OK, now the White Owl skin tip. Ahhhahhhahhh"  Thanks Bill!

How can I top Bill?  Once you have gone there... you have to move on.

Toner Boy

And the hits just keep on comin...

Tired of me yet?



I must have some pent up energy or just need to get crap off of my chest these days because I am just a blogging fool! OK… just fool, but you get my point.


The Throat is driving me nuts as she is working with Anyway in the office right behind me. After a few minutes now I have noticed that she only clears her throat when she is not talking. Wonder if I slipped her some crank each morning and wired her to the flange so she would not be able to shut up if it would make the broken flapper in her throat go away from 8 to 5 each day? Hmm… no she is dumb as a box of rocks, so hearing her talk all day would be worse. Time to look for plan B.


Hunny’s birthday is coming up in about 6 weeks so those of you making the trip be sure to get your rooms booked as soon as you can. If you can only make it up there for one night, come up on Saturday and hang out all day before dinner that night. Thanks to Ednolb and her mom we got our room at the Atlantis for that weekend. You can stay any place you like though. Check around for the best prices… there are deals out there. Drinks will be at Roxy’s inside Eldorado on the 28th of next month at 4. Dinner will be at 7 in a yet to be determined place nearby. I do not want to price anyone out, especially myself, so we will choose a place that has something for everyone on the menu.


Would like to wish After 6 a belated birthday from Toner Boy!


Man The Throat is just in full piss everyone off mode today. She has been in and out of Anyway’s office this morning bitching about some of the reports that are being produced. She is telling Anyway that the reports are a waste of time because she still needs to sort the data to find what she is looking for. Anyway said that these are the same reports that have been produced (Saying, “Anyway” every time he gets a chance mind you!) for years and that no one has ever had a problem with them in the past. She is arguing with him that they never used to be this way and that they need to be changed right now! As she is stomping out of his office throwing her little temper tantrum her manager is walking past. She starts to spew the same story to her, and her manager tells her that she is on her way to a meeting and that she would talk with her after she was done. The entire time that her manager is talking she is clearing her throat in typical The Throat style of course! Seemingly deaf from clearing her throat she just keeps right on talking to her about her panties being in a wad as soon as the last word crosses her managers lips. Her manager just starts walking towards her meeting with The Throat in toe squawking in her ear. The Throat then eyeballs Anyway’s manager, Catching Flies, and drags him into the conversation to the point where her manager had to stop and participate. After 5 minutes of The Throat bitching away and not letting either manager get a word in edgewise her manager once again states that she has another scheduled meeting and would deal with it when she was finished and bolts in a fury! She is shaking her head and cursing under her breath as she walks down the hall. Classic! Damn.. that was the most drama around here since I threw a shoulder at Mo a few months back!


Macy’s made it official today that they will be opening a new store in the Tracy mall in the old Gottschalk’s location. I am glad to see we are going to get a higher class of thief’s in our little town. Maybe I will be able to pick up the wife a nice Coach handbag at a deep discounted price on Craigslist now?


The Looker just walked out for his 3rd break today and it is only 10:37 in the morning. Must be nice. Why is it if I take too long to go growl one out on the 5th floor the office narc’s are hunting me down? Hell this morning I spent 2 hours getting to work and walked in the door 10 minutes late and it was like I committed a 187. (murder for the rest of you.) Hell one of the guys in the office got here at 8:30 instead of 8 and they made him take it as vacation time! Vacation? Really? This place is a fucking joke. Sorry, but that is just stupid. Even for this place!


Speaking of jokes. For those of you who know my 2nd father Alice was killed about 2 years ago now, and the person charged with the crime has now been in jail for about a year and 3 months without a trial date in sight, has another PRE-TRIAL date for the end of September. Really? A year and 6 months in and they cannot come to terms on a trial date yet? It is bad enough that they have decided to not seek the death penalty on this little piece of shit because they feel that they will never get a conviction that results in the death penalty in Alameda County. Per the DA once they even agree to a trial date it is going to be at least 18 to 24 months out on the court docket. They said if it were a death penalty case the case would be set 5 to 7 years out on the docket! Yeah justice moves swift in these parts.


It is 11:02 and The Looker JUST returned. Damn… nice 15 minute break! Oh wait… you already had 2 of those today. This must have been your 25 minute break before you go to lunch in 58 minutes. Gotcha. If I had that kind of freedom around here my work life may not be so bad. Yeah it would. Who am I kidding?


Keystone Cop… ready to retire and open a nice sports based gastropub someplace? Very low key and classy. Not your typical bar, or bar food. You know… the kind of place you would want to hang out in. With the kinds of foods that you would want to eat. Oh wait you need a few more years to collect that second pension as well don’t you? =o) I will pose that question again in a few years! (If I am still sane by then!)


Just walked by The Looker’s desk and now he is over there having phone sex with his wife from what it sounds like. Wait… make that girlfriend. We are talking about something sexual after all.


I saw an article this morning on Yahoo Sports that Jimmy Johnson (No, not the fag driving the 48 car Monkey! The ex-Cowboys head coach.) is going to be on the next season of Survivor! Not only that, his 60+ year old ass is now a spokesperson for a male enhancement pill! Hey if that pill does for his Little Jimmy Johnson anything close to what Aqua Net did for his helmet hair… sign me up!


Corn…. Come out, come out wherever you are! I need good pain in my life right now.


I was glad to see my road rage yesterday made Infidel smile and think warmly about others being mean to people as well. Yeah I can see how it gave you the warm and fuzzies all over. After I blew her the kiss a was all happy with myself! It was good to be mean.


Need to pee. Hope I get some good material while I am there! *Hold music* Nope. Just me in there and there is no good material with that. Oh sure, there is plenty to laugh about but nothing that would make me feel good!


Stocks just fell through the floor on the Fed’s breaking news that the economy blows! Damn. Where would we be without their pearls of wisdom? How are people stunned by this shit is all I want to know? Oh yeah…. those with money have little to know idea that the rest of us are dumpster diving these days.


500 million of us use Facebook, but yet I have only 61 followers.  That is a solid .000012%!!!  Toner Boy ROCKS!  Damn I have slept with more people.  Hence why no one follows me!!!! AHAHAAH  They are all - "Been there, done that, not worth any more of my time!"  Now to the rest of you out there I say give me a chance to piss you off first.  Then you can dump me.

For my NASCAR fans out there - What has crawled up Carl Edward's ass these days?  For wrecking Keselowski once again last weekend NASCAR has fined Carl $25k and 60 drivers points. Sad.  NASCAR should make him pay for the repairs on Brad's car if they want to send a message!  I know that they say, "Rubbin is racin", but come on.  I mean if that were true they should let me on the track.  I have raced more in the past 10 years then the rest of my life combined!  And there were a lot of 'getting to know your body' years in there.  Just sayin.

OK I have had enough.  Don't cry Sacagawea, I shall return.  Or, maybe that is why you are crying?  Huh.


Toner Boy

Ya piss me off! Phuckin jerk! Get on my nerves!

“Here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand, he’s a one ball man and he’s off to the rodeo….” Sing it!!!  What?  You don't know the song?  For shame.


I know.  Two days in a row. Gasp!

No full blown thing here, just a little bit of time to kill at the end of the day. Here is a little laugh from the roads -

After I get clear of Dublin and 680 most mornings, the rest of my drive into work is usually done at speed limit plus type of speeds. For some reason out of nowhere there was, what I have to assume, a brake check safety point! Everyone in front of me was on their brakes, fast and hard. As I come to my stop I hear the woman behind me with her horn stuck on asshole mode! I look back and this bitch is reading me the riot act like I had stopped for a red light in the middle of the freeway, and that I was the only fricken car out there that stopped. I yell, “Look around you whore there are 25 cars in front of me stopped! Don’t get pissed off at me like it was my idea!” (Like she can hear me?) She follows a car that made a move to the slow lanes to get around our little safety meeting over in the fast lanes and looks at me as she drives past. I am guessing that the rage of Toner Boy was in my eyes because she got this, “Oh shit!” look on her face. I instantly jumped out of my lane and road her ass like I had paid for an hour of her time at a cheap motel room! She did her best shake ‘n bake moves to try and get me off of her ass, but she does not know what kind of penny pincher I am these days. “Bitch I paid for an hour, I am getting an hour! Deal with it.” So I am drafting her like I was at Daytona through Castro Valley and to my pleasure she takes 580 towards Oakland. Ahhh… she just made my day! Two exits up she peels off at the Sheriff’s office exit there at 150th after cutting from the #1 lane to the exit. As she looked back in fear at me as I keep driving along on the freeway, I take a sip of my Tropa-Rocka Snapple, I look over at her, and blew her a kiss. See what a nice guy I am? I hope that pissed her off even more! Bet it is the last time she ever uses that horn without careful consideration. Just sayin.

The rest of my day has been a bore and a joke, so I guess she has gotten the last laugh. Yeah… I knew I would be punished somehow, someway.

I hope I see her tomorrow morning so we can do it all over again!  I had fun.

Toner Boy

Has anyone seen Toner Boy?

I know.  I have fired myself.


I know there is no excuse for my lack of production here, but to be honest I had not had the gumption to write or even breathe these days. I would use the term there is no led left in the pencil, but I am sure you were all well aware of that fact already. Why beat a dead tree? Wait…. that's horse.  OK I am neither one of those.

Let me try and cover some ground here just to get back up to my present day hell.

Ever wanted to kill someone for the sounds that they make while eating an apple? No? Well Ice Shaker is a bite away from having his next breath include the core. Maybe a sapling will sprout and he can grow his own variety of apples out of his ass? Would they be Ass Ice Apples? Or maybe Booty Shaker Apples? Either way, if I do not get the hell out of here soon I am going to make headline news!

Let’s see… I left off about 10 days ago on here. Since then we did have the fundraiser for the girls and I would like to thank everyone for coming out and making it a great event! Silent but deadly has been upgraded to Johnny Cocknozzle for his card play that weekend. Then again I did play like a dick since I had a whirlwind of crap going on that day. Caught up with an old friend after almost 18 years. It was great to see him and hope we get to spend more time together down the road. Hack came out and won some money, along with After 6 who I had to beg to play in the first place. Had a long time family friend win the raffle who could not be there, but he did buy $100 in tickets so it was very well deserved! Once again we thank him for his support!!!! Next time be there so when you win I can at least play you liars dice for the money! I know you used to whip my ass when I was a kid, but you have gotten older and have lost the ability to lie like you could in your younger days…. and let’s face it, I am in my prime!

Went out to the water on that Sunday to check out the progress at the restaurant and things are moving along. Working with the owner on the menu and other items at this point. Once we are open come on out and see me on the weekends! If eating my food is not enough, Pops and Uncle Shartly will be there every weekend to provide entertainment. OK, Uncle Shartly will be providing the entertainment, and Pops will be there to stir the pot!

Last week at work was another bedsore of pleasure sitting on my ass and watching it spread to the edges of my chair here in the office. I did have a few meetings to attend to and that is why I was unable to keep you all in stitches as I reached for my rope of sanity though words. All be it bad grammar, but words nonetheless. It is annual report time and employee evaluations for the brain trusts of this booby hatchery, so the upper tier paste eaters can look down their booze filled noses at the little people such as myself. Like I give a rats ass what they have to say when it rolls around to my turn? Oh speak of the devil!!!! I just got an email from Penis, “I am doing your eval – need your goals.” My goals? Get me the FUCK out of here!!!!! People really have goals around this place????? Are you kidding me? “Yes… I aspire to be in an increased roll of under utilization and pride smashing tasks under your stoic leadership!” You dick wad. Sorry… Penis wad.

The Throat just walked by. Wonder if I karate chop her in the gizzard as hard as I can if it will clear up whatever in the hell is in there that she is trying to clear? Might make her feel better. I know I would feel better.

*Click* Hey Hunny…. ”Why are you crying in the stairwell... Sacajawea???” Sorry, back to your regularly scheduled programming. *Click*

Really. What in the hell am I going to say in this goals???? Live at 5, HELP ME! What do you tell someone your goals are when all you want to do is run from this place and go screaming into the night??? I think I am just going to list the blogs web address on the damn thing and tell him to figure it out himself.

Last week I had someone tell me in an email, “No. You are wrong.” when talking about something in relation to computers. Nothing to support what they are saying, just that I was wrong. Oh really???? Well, well my friend… let’s test those waters, shall we? Being the asshole that I am I of course replied to their email and added their manager so they could see how inept their employee really was. Like they didn’t already know that? After lambasting them with facts in paragraph after paragraph I threw in the kidney shot by pointing out to them that it is wise to support such statements whenever possible, especially when discussing a topic with someone who has been in, or part of, the business for 16+ years now in lead, design, management and administration positions. I bet they read it thinking to themselves, “I thought that he was just our Toner Boy?”

Creeper just stopped over for a computer talk. Sounds like he has new shoes. Must have been a riveting weekend for him at Buster Brown’s for him!

There was so much bullshit on that list of goals that fly’s were circling my monitor!

On Wednesday night I went to the bi-weekly poker league night with Ass Clown and Johnny Cocknozzle. Even though I am out of the running for the leagues end of session free roll, I had to go JUST to get even with Cocknozzle for the fundraiser. I did! Ahhhh… the world was a better place for a few minutes. Thank you.

Thursday after work I went over to Corn’s to see McLovin get his tattoo worked on, and to hang out with Best Friend and One-T. Stayed as long as my eyes would let me and watched Corn knock out a real nice piece on a kids shoulder and put McLovin in some pain as he worked on his ribcage. I must say that it is nothing that I would ever get, or would have thought that he would ever get, but Corn you did one hell of a job! That thing is SICK!!!! Can’t wait to get in the chair to get some new ink myself one of these days soon. Hope my credit is still good with Corn, because I am too poor to poke! Right Hunny?

Friday I went to the races in Sonoma with McLovin, Pops and After 6. Had a good time hanging out with them and had a few cocktails along the way! Got cold as hell at night and we got out of there a little early so the blood would flow back to our extremities. Did not miss anything though. Not long after we left a Funny Car blew its lid, literally, and the clean up took them up to the curfew at 9 so Top Fuel never got a chance to run.

Saturday I was just out of it. For some reason I was so tired I could not stay awake to save my life. Hell Hunny could have offered me ass and I would have passed. I know! Went with Pops down to the restaurant and looked around. Not much progress is being made at this point because of some equipment hang-ups they are having with their vendor. Pops and I went and had a beer after we left there and once we got back to his house I crashed again for about an hour. After we went home Hunny got everything ready for a trip to Pinecrest on Sunday and I went upstairs and was out for the count yet again!

Got up early on Sunday and made breakfast for all of us. Waited for McLovin to show up and called to find out that his alarm never went off and that he was still in bed! So me and the girls went to meet up with The SC and we headed up to the lake. Great day out and everyone had a great time. Learned that Momma Ruth cannot choose a boyfriend or a bathing suit that I approve of, and that the SPF on sun block is about as accurate as the weather guy on the 11 o’clock news. It was unreal the amount of people that showed up at that place as the day went on! I mean it was a Sunday and people were still showing up there at 3 in the afternoon when we were leaving! One quick side note…. Chet just about beheaded Little Miss with a Nerf football while we were there! Way to go Chet! Should have drilled old droopy pants instead for not being bright enough to know how to wear his pants properly!!!! Momma Ruth... the Dad’s of The SC are taking you bathing suit and boy shopping next year!

And here we are. All caught up to today and enjoying this fungus experiment in the fridge of life! Now I am going to figure out how to kill the next 3 hours and 44 minutes so I can go home and get ready to do this all again tomorrow. At least I can watch Avatar this week in the car during lunch after I borrowed it from Turbo without asking.

I would also like to thank McLovin for my lunch today. Since he did not come with us yesterday I got to eat his sandwich that Hunny made for him! Damn it was good by the way!

I will be making my calls out to Corn all week so I can sit in his chair and get my arm finished up and a few things added to it as well. If I am going to deal with pain it might as well be for something that I enjoy, right?

Poker at Ass Clown’s house this Saturday to look forward to as well. See if I can continue to get even with Johnny Cocknozzle. Damn I hold grudges. Anyone else out there want to play that is not with us normally? Hack? Anyone? Ass Clown said we could come and drink all his booze! Or was that bring your own? Naw… drink his.

Still tired as hell by the way. I have slept more this weekend then I have in months. Must have a bug. Either that or my ass is so fat I can’t breathe and my brain is lacking oxygen.

Hunny wants me to make some grilled pizza’s so maybe I will do that on Saturday and bust out some empanada’s to take to Ass Clown’s. After all, I need to make pizza dough. What do you think Ducky? “Pork chops, and apple sauce”? Oh that’s right…. You’re not going to be there. My bad. Ass Clown will let you lick the cookie sheet the next time you are there.

I feel my IQ dropping every time I watch Big Brother this year. OK…. every year. But come on the Big Red Machine there needs a ball gag for her laugh. Johnny, can the Misses lend us yours? There is proof that a nice rack can get you places you want to go. I could never be around her because every time I told a smart ass joke I would have to listen to her fricken laugh. Guess that is why the Swim Coach is good for her, because he is just social dud. Yeah ladies… washboard abs. We get it. You would find his farts charming. Glad people aren’t shallow. WTF? Someone points out a cute guys faults and it is a sin, but yet you are ready to pile on your mates like wolf pounces on a wounded deer.

Influenza has been out for quite some time as you can see. Wonder if the doctor decided to give her a deep clean and found out she was just a big pile of dirt and washed her down the drain? No I am sure she will be here to drive me nuts soon enough. Until then I am going to get ahead of the game…. *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA*

Damn I have only wasted like 15 mins rambling on. What does a guy have to do? Let me check Facebook and the news to see if I can find anything worth point out and laughing at people.

*Elevator music*

Gingrich says he may make a presidential run in 2012. Isn’t it illegal to have a president named Newt?

MSN lists the top 8 lowest paying jobs in America. I would like to point out #9 to them. 2 of the out of the 8 revolved around the food we eat. And you wonder why there are mass recalls for Crazy Cow, Humped Chicken and the always popular, “Oops, sorry forgot to wash that.” fruits and veggies we eat? Why is it with food people throw the term ‘you get what you pay for’ out the window?

Jolie says her new thigh tattoo is for Brad only. What does it say, “Stick it in and see what nationality we get this time!”?

BP is still trying to plug the well in the Gulf. I wonder if they have called Tampex to see if they might have a solution? I know that there are some holes out there that no one else thought could be plugged and they came through for them!

A Livermore man was arrested for insurance fraud. Apparently soon after his insurance was canceled this guy got into a wreck. He called his insurer 2 hours after the accident and renewed his policy because he noticed the report was dated for the next day. He drove an 88 Honda Prelude. What did he screw Gieco out of? $150 in damages? Shit after $200 the thing is totaled.

10,300 Bay Area jobs lost in June alone. HP is closing a campus in the Bay Area as well before the end of the year. Last week the Federal Chief said that the recovery is in full swing, today he says the pace is slowing. Here is a bit of advice for my “Instant Satisfaction” crowd. You “experts” need to hold your thoughts until there is proof of an actual trend. Try looking at the cause and effect of things for more than a 30 day window. After 6 months of sustained proof, then go out there and give us your thoughts. We do not need to hear from you every morning to see what you think is going to happen with the world’s money that day. Bottom line things suck for many American families. Nothing is going to turn around for any of us in a month’s time. Yeah… things are just rock solid out here in the world’s 4th largest economy.

Obama tells the Senate that it is imperative that they pass extended unemployment benefits at tomorrow’s vote, yet he is left holding the bag. Obama did not cut off your unemployment checks, the Senate did. The man has been blamed for everything since he is going out there and rocking the boat and just being a man of color. Ease up… the rich white guys are going to give you your money back tomorrow. Obama had some of his old South Side friends pay a few of them a visit over the weekend and they understand how it affects us little people. Chill.

FDA does not give the green light to a diet pill that has been sold in Europe for many years that has shown no side effects or damage to the heart as many pills have before, and has been successful in over half of the people the FDA studied. Rumor has it that Jillian Michaels did not want her pocketbook dipped into and told them to mind their own business it is only holiday weight these people are carrying.

Since when did it become cool to throw Apple under a bus? Damn. You know what sucks is they has given us the best thing on the market since sliced bread, and all anyone can do is bitch! Some of you twisted bastards actually want to sue this guy for putting a faulty product on the market. What, none of you have bought anything from QVC or an infomercial before? You buy those things knowing that you are getting ripped off and you still do it time and time again.

There is a Mehserle rally currently going on in Walnut Creek. Reports say that Starbucks will be given out for free to keep the problematic yuppie crowd out there under control. Decaf of course. Twitter reports say that there will also be staged protests at Barnes and Noble where no one will make purchases of items unless they are discounted at least 15%.

Speaking of Twitter you can now follow this stupidity on Twitter as well @Toner_Boy, or however in the hell that thing works. It is official. My wife is right. I am a Twit.

OK…. 2 hours left to go. Not too bad. Not real good either.

I have bored the crap out of you enough.

Toner Boy

M.I.A.

Hello, hello, hello.

Did ya miss me?

Sorry for the vanishing act there this week, but I have been kept busy around work these days.  I know... "Be still my heart!"  No real work, just a lot of falderal kind of work that the simpletons think is taxing around here.

Real quick blog today.  I will try to bring it in under 10,000 words.  So one of my shorter ones, right?  No really, with the Mehserle trial wrapping up either today or tomorrow we are going to be shuffled out of here so the local indigenous people can burn the city to the ground.  Nothing like starting fresh right?  I am not going to bitch either way.... it is paid time away from this port a potty.

We have our fundraiser for the girls this Saturday so I am busy planning a menu and getting everything together for it.  If you are in the area come on out and tip a few back and grab a bite to eat with everyone.  We would love to have you!  Should be a great day.  We will still have raffle tickets on sale until about 3 on Saturday before we hold our drawing for the $500 prize!  Shameless plug, I know.  But the girls work hard all season and us parents try and work hard for them so they can continue doing what they love.  All of the girls really love their time at Athletic Perfection and The SC loves being together all year.  See Foo about membership fees.  The menu will consist of smoked brisket, BBQ chicken, Texas slaw, chipotle pasta salad and black eyed pea salad!  Come get some!

Things have been pretty quiet on the state hospital, I mean work front.  The season ended for them on July 1st so a lot of the appraisers are on vacation this time of the year.  Yeah for me.  That just means I can go and eat the rest of those chocolate rabbits on the one girls desk!!!!

The biggest thing around here has been this damn trial.  All of downtown is pretty much boarded up for Hurricane Loot that is scheduled to hit shore here this week.  What is funny though, the only reason that it looks out of place is because it is in downtown Oakland.  You know... the city parts!  Shit if you drive two blocks over, on any other street in this town, most all of the houses and buildings look the exact same way all year!  It is like they are in pre-trial trim 24/7!  "You never know when a verdict is going to break out that someone is not going to like.  Plus it keeps the hommies from seeing my fo shizzle DLP when it does!  Word."  I thought that plywood decor was a building style for a minute.  For real.

Just a quick request now that I am thinking about it.  After 6.  Can you do me a solid and give AT&T a buzz and have them turn off your wife's texting feature on her phone?  If I get one more, "Do ya miss me?" from Monkey I am going to go over and pee in your pool.  Not get in and pee.  Stand there and pee into it!!!!  She does give a kiss ass traffic report though.  MAWH!  Love ya Monkey!  This service announcement was brought to you by Eve of Samhain.  Get your copy today at Amazon.com!  Or, you can just click on its little picture right there on the left side of your screen.  If you bring a copy of your book to our fundraiser on Saturday Smut Queen will sign it while you eat BBQ and play poker!  Did I mention we are still selling raffle tickets?  Just checking.

Since I have been away, many of you know that Turbo had her 30th version of her 29th birthday.  Happy Birthday Mom!  Best Friend turned 22 on Monday.  Happy Birthday Best Friend!

Best Friend and One-T are in town and going to stay and hang out at the fundraiser on Saturday.  Very excited they are in town visiting!  One-T will be putting on a push up display to help raise funds for the girls.  He does not know this yet, and for those of you who do not know One-T.... it is a sight to be seen.  Trust me.  These are no ordinary push ups.  One-T... YOU DA MAN!  No Smut Queen you perv they are not erection push ups, so put your pen down!  This is not something for your next smut-o-rific book.  Geez.  Have to told any of you about the fundraiser yet?  It starts at 11 or so Saturday.  Just sayin.

I want one!

Jamarcus.... can you pour me a DRANK?  Fricken fool.  FYI - DRANK will not be served at the fundraiser, but there will be beer, soda and water!  Thirsty?  Come on over.

OK.... that is a wrap on a VERY short week and blog for me.  Everyone be good, be safe and until next time....

Toner Boy

Safe and Sane?

Well the 4th of July is here and it is time for all of the summer rookies to hit the streets, waterways and campgrounds!

Love this time of the year.  If you have the time I highly suggest packing a cooler full of beer and food, going down to your local boat launch with your favorite sun chair, sitting on your ass, catch some sun and make a day of it.  You will not find anything more enjoyable than watching John launching his new $40K ski boat..... and $50K truck... at the same time!

Watch John as he yells as his wife Betty for not putting the truck in park that he just got out of.  Watch Betty bail out of the boat yelling at John telling him that he is the dumb bastard that was in the truck, not her.  Watch Betty and John's things float to the surface that were loaded in the back of John's pretty 4x4 truck.  Watch as the truck continues to roll down the ramp and begin to pull the nose of the boat under the water because Betty never unhitched the boat from the trailer like John told her when she got out of the truck to get in the boat.  Watch Betty swim to shore telling John that he has never given her an orgasm and has faked it 80% of the time just as the article on Toner Boy stated.  Watch as the ass of John and Betty's boat bobs up and down in the water as they figure out what in the hell they should do now, and as Betty tells John about his short comings in the bedroom once again and that she is sleeping with his brother who knows what he is doing because she was willing to tell him what felt good to her.  Watch as John tells Betty that his brother used to be his sister and had previous knowledge of the parts.  Watch the look on her face as Betty figures out why John's brother tastes like pork when she services his manhood and why he has such big pecks with skinny little arms.  Watch as everyone else at the boat launch pulls away looking for someplace else to launch their boats as Betty and John start to slug it out because they realize their new iPhones were in the boat and they can not get on Facebook now, or read Toner Boy's blog until they clean this mess up and get home.

People do the dumbest shit in the world on a launch ramp.  I say to you, bring a video camera, make some money, and truly enjoy your holiday weekend.

As for me.  Well nothing over the top going on here.  Today I am here at what is still work.  I say that because in a few days there is no telling what the kids are going to turn this place into once the Mehserle verdict is read.  Convicted or not... these kids are just going to make an even bigger mess of this place.  Then again how do you ruin a shit hole?  They really don't care.  They are looking for an excuse to be the vagrants that they are.  Always remember my words about raising your kids properly... loud noises and pain.  Stand fast to this rule and things like what are going to happen down here, won't.  Then again they might all come out here as a family and make this a function that they can brag to their future offspring.  How can we deprive them of this type of honest family bonding?

Forward....

This weekend holds.... hmmm... ahhh.... OK.  Nothing there either.  Damn I am just full of insight today.  Tonight... watch the Nationwide race and JR driving his dad's #3 around the track on last time. (If I ever make it home through the traffic!) Tomorrow...... well it's Saturday.  That has to count for something.  I am not doing anything that I know of, but it is a day that starts with an "S" so I welcome it with open arms.  Sunday.... I am going to guess I will be cooking something at some point in time.  Hack called and talked about coming out and hanging out with us at one point in the day.  That night we will go and meet up with The SC and watch fireworks downtown.  Monday.... well I won't be here so that is a good thing!  Tuesday is Turbo's birthday so I am sure we are going to get together on Monday and cook and hangout over there.  Maybe she won't have to bake her own cake this year!  Ma I will bake you one if I have to!

Yeah... the life I lead huh!?!?  Don't hate.  It is how I roll.

The office is pretty quiet today.  The County lifers with 7 months of vacation per year are out of the office today so they can have an extended weekend.  They work so hard you know.  A few of the squirrels are moving cubes today.  For what logical reason, I have no idea.  I am just getting pleasure out of watch them carry their cube lives around with them as they wait for the other person to vacate their new area for the next year.

Trekkie just tried to lay a line on me that I thought was funny as hell.  He asks me if last year I had helped with the annual notifications sent out to the residents of Alameda County.  I told him no and he told me that he will show me later in the day what needs to be done.  He said, get this, that every year he has to go down to the mail room and pull notices out that have had changes made to them since they were printed and have new ones put in their place.  He says, "And being the head of the division I think that it is time that I hand this task off to someone else after all of these years.  I mean what is the division head doing down in the mail room swapping out notices?  After all I think that as the head of the division I would no longer need to go down there and do something like that still to this day.  Funny how life goes full circle though."  I look right at him with an 'Are you fucking kidding me right now?' look on my face and say, "Hmmmm.  Yeah.  It is funny how life does go full circle."  I can see the gears grinding in his head as he starts walking away with a look of, "Geee... I guess that was the pot calling the kettle black?  My bad."  Damn nerd.  How many times was it required that you say the words 'division, and head'?  I think after 16 months 24 days 2 hours and 35 minutes that I know who in the hell you are!!!  After all you are the lazy bastard who will walk past a person, find their manager, and have their manager go and ask them a question for you just so you can keep reminding the folks what your fricking title is!  God people who have never accomplished anything, and then given a sense of authority bug the shit out of me.  They act so entitled.  Almost like little person syndrome.

Just wanted to send a quick shout out to Tiger.  Guess that $750M is weighing on you more than you thought it would.  Nice consistent rounds you pud.  Yeah... who needs a swing coach?  Not you.  You're Tiger.

I had setup a Twitter account (Toner_Boy) to see if I could get some more people following this conspiracy theory against me.  Guess I am a confirmed twit now.  See what happens.  Might get more than 30 of you reading it each day.  Then again.... maybe not.  If I posted a censored picture of Miley like Perez Hilton I bet pervs would come out of the woodwork to see if a strand of fabric or a short and curly is peaking out from behind banner blocking their view and flood my site.  You know I am going to try that!  Just so when some of these twisted turds do a search on Google it will show up as hit number 387,210,796 and their warped minds tell them, "This is the one!  This is the uncensored one I have been looking for, I know it!".  No.  I have enough of you freaks that read this thing already!  Get a life.

Ticket sales are going pretty good for the girls raffle drawing next weekend.  There is still time to get yours!  They are giving away a $500 prize to one lucky winner.  The drawing will be held on Saturday the 10th at the Redbridge House in Tracy.  You do not need to present to win.  We are also having a BBQ for $20 all you can eat with beer and drinks.  As well as a $40 buy-in poker party where half of the prize fund will go to the winner.  There will be a max of 30 players so the winner could be walking away with up to $600!  The ladies are also having a Bunco party that night after the poker game wraps up.  Should be a lot of fun so try and join us.  You can get more details by posting in the comment section and one of us will get in touch with you ASAP.  Thank you once again to everyone who has bought tickets and plans on coming out and joining us next weekend!!!

Dugard was given $20M in a settlement from the state.  Good for her.  Sort of too late to say anything will really fix it though, right?  So how do they break it to her that they are going to really only give her $8.7M by the time the pull back federal, and STATE tax?  Funny how the money is coming from them in a settlement, but she needs to hand a big chunk of it right back to them in taxes.  Odd how that works.  Don't even get me started on taxes....

UFC 3,982 is tomorrow night.  Anyone going to get it?  I am curious to see if Brock can come back and put up a good fight after 11 months off.  Let me know... I can pretty much bet I am free.

Just found out Hack is coming to get me for lunch and making me waste my food I brought.  Dick.  Thank you.

Be safe out there this weekend.

Toner Boy