Welcome to Fantasy Island.....

Hey, hey, hey.  It's Fat Albert!

No... we are not going to be 'Havin a good time', but it sounded better than 'Happy Anti-Hump Day!'

Just when I thought I had the whole world figured out...

It is such a pleasure to watch pure genius at work.

Well it appears that I have been slanted in my views of the quality of person at this place.  I feel I need to start out by offering an apology to those who work here at the County.  It appears as though there are some great minds around me after all!  Here is an example of a scientist at work trying to get answers to that ever present issue of true battery life by conducting the DieHard test.  I mean, just how honest was Sears all of those years when they were telling us just how strong their brand of battery really is?  I bet he can't wait until after work to see his results!  I can not tell you how bad I feel knowing that I have short sided County employees like this.  Wonder if he has a white board in his office where he came to his conclusion that the Sears commercials are full of crap?  The sounds of *CLICK* *CLICK* when he turns his key are going to be SO satisfying to him knowing that his research was worth his oversight as he stepped out of his car this morning.  God blessed a beautiful mind.

I came to work this morning and from the top of the Altimont on was pure fog!  I mean we are in the first week of August and I have yet to see 100 on my outside temperature reading on my cars dash.  Not that I am going to complain at all because I am a total fall and spring kind of guy, but damn!  It was 59 when I got to Oakland this morning and the fog was so thick that my automatic windshield wipers turned on from the amount of dew on the window.  I mean it was so bad I could hardly see where I was going, until.... off in the distance.... a beacon.... a beacon of hope.... a red light shined through the fog.  The closer I got, the brighter the light shined.  As a came up on this guiding light that was cutting through the fog like a snow plow of hope, I knew I had reached my destination.... Oakland.  I have also been informed that my beacon can also bum rush a fast food counter and pile drive a doughnut like a champ.

I know just like that Iowa corn field many of you are going to want to flock to this magical place to see all of this wonderment first hand.  But, as the keeper of the corn (So to speak) I urge you not to take any of the wildlife home with you.  They are not domesticated!  The mistake that was made here at the County by placing some of the weaker minded species into containment in hopes of evolving them into a rational member of our everyday society.  That experiment has backfired and led us to here we are today... The County Administration Building, or Hells Gate as I like to call it.  Yes as magical and mystical as this building appears on the outside, the inside it is filled with brainless mouth breathers committed to tormenting the few remaining souls who yearn to one day run free once again.  Do not be lured by it's beauty as you gaze at its sophisticated architecture, as for in the bowels of this great beast lies a ring leader known as the Yellow Bus Driver.  Consider yourself warned.

Sorry.  I guess drinking a Sugar Free Rockstar in place of my coffee this morning was not the best of ideas!  My mind and ass are spinning out of control this morning.  *CRACK* (Damn, it is getting later and later each day.  He must be on budget constraints!)  Here I am talking shit about Cracker and I busted open my Rockstar at 6:30 this morning while driving in!  'Hello Pot', said Kettle.

This is how bored and wired I am at the same time.... Smut Queen just tweeted that she is going to the library to look for some old world maps.  So I went online and downloaded just about every map on the Internet and I am scanning them myself to try and find what she is looking for!  There are no Toner Boy's in the old world, so why do I care?  When she starts writing books and killing me in present time, then I will care!  Library...? Real books...?  Geez.  Get with the times there Smut Queen.  And she calls herself an author?  Dear Lord.  I want to see you write this next book with a typewriter!  It is a digital world lady. (Like I know a damn thing of what I am talking about right now! AHAAHHA I am just being a dumb ass.  Shock, I know.)

Let's see.  I know this is going to sound real bad, but today it is just me and Penis.  Penis, not my penis.  I am alone with mine enough!  Trekkie and Anyway are out.  Obvious is leaving in 17 minutes, and Catching Flies is at a training workshop across the street.  You would think that it would be a good day to screw off, right?  Right.  It is.  Not like there is much for me to do in the first place, but it is funny because these guys get in a panic around here like it is some kind of high stress, heavy workload kind of place.  Yeah they are right... I may have to limit myself to 20 minutes of wandering through the building today instead of my normal 30.

*BLESS YOU INFLUENZA* (I swear I am going to snap because of this one of these days!)

What's on tap....

Well today.... Subway!  That is right... I am spoiling myself with a $5 footlong beeeaaatches!  That's right... that's how I roll.  After getting my grub on, later tonight going over to see Corn and play a little poker over at the shop.  They have a running cash game on Wednesday's that I just might have to add to my route home from time to time!

This weekend is going to be known as either 'Sleepy Hollow' or 'Check Raise' depending on how tonight goes.  If I walk out of the game tonight up anything decent I think I will spend my weekend playing cards while the wife and girls are out of town.  There is no cooking going on for me at this point out at the restaurant so my weekend is now free.  Then again I may stay home and cook all weekend as well.  Or track down Albert, After 6 and Ass Clown to BBQ and watch some NASCAR on Sunday maybe?  Never know.  I have loves and long lost loves that I don't get to do NEARLY enough, so I guess I will see which one ends up speaking to me the most.  Since the wife is going to be gone with one of those loves, I am going to have to choose between the others. (Not saying if it is love or long lost love that she is taking with her this weekend.  Tired of being in trouble!  Plus I have been told that some things are just better left unsaid.)

A-Rod has finally hit number 600.  Good, now maybe everyone will shut the hell up about it!  A-Rod would like to thank his fans, Barry Bonds Magic Flax Seed Cream, and Balco for his accomplishment.  He will be celebrating with himself and a room full of mirrors tonight.  He wants to be surrounded by those who love him.

The world just needs to slowdown.  Technology's moving so fast, man.  It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you.  You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?'  People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.'  I end up saying that all the time myself... 'No, but I heard about it.'  It really means I haven't heard about it, but I like you and don't want to sound disinterested or stupid.  A-Rod's damn ball had not even cleared the fence yet today and tweets were popping up left and right saying that he had done it!  I think I need to tweet that Brett Favre is retiring.  I wonder if that will take off?

OK it is coming up on lunch time and I think that I am coming down off of my Rockstar rush.  Be good ya'll, and if you can't.... make sure there are not pictures of what you have done!

Toner Boy