I have seen and heard a LOT of dumb shit over my years, but this has to be the most ridiculous one yet. (OK maybe not, but come on!)
Creeper had his printer go out a few weeks ago and even though he only prints about 20 pages a month off of this thing he was not content with waiting 3 days for a new one to get ordered and shipped. So I went and took one from another managers desk and gave it to him. This printer was less then 4 months old and has all the bells and whistles that you can get in an all in one solution. Considering that he had the previous printer for several years and it was just a plain Jane color printer you would think that he would be very happy with what he was given. Nope.
So he starts out his little bitch fest by saying that the printer is big and taking up space on his desktop. Now that is a fair bitch to have. So now he wants an all in one that is smaller. OK... so does the rest of the world, but this is as small as a color printer, fax, scanner and copier gets. Sorry for your bad luck.
So next you would assume that he is going to have some sort of performance complaint, right? After all if there is going to be any sort of bitching about a printer it is going to be either about the speed which it works at, or the quality of what comes out of it. Nope.
Get this. It is too loud. "Order me a quieter printer with all the same features', he says to me. WTF? Yeah... let me look at the decibel rating on the printer. Wait... what is that? They don't give a noise rating for a printer? MAYBE BECAUSE IT IS A PRINTER AND NOT A STEREO DUMB ASS!!!!!!
So I put in a request to HP about noise levels of their all in one printers. I will bet the guy reading my request right now is scratching his head going, "WTF?"
Only here can this be the most pressing matter for anyone to deal with. Penis has labeled it TOP PRIORITY! He says if your email request is not answered by noon to call the regional sales manager! Really? For the fucking noise levels of a desktop printer that retails for $200? That is what I am going to call a regional sales manager about?
Yeah I can see how is call is going to go:
Toner Boy - "Yeah I am calling about your 6500 all in one printer. I need to get a certain spec on it."
Rep - "Yeah Toner Boy. It is a color all in one that scans 10 ppm (pages per minute), prints color at 18 ppm, black at 31 ppm, can fax and copy as well. It holds 100 pag...."
Toner Boy - "Yeah. That all sounds great, and I got most of that information off of your site. But..... What about its noise level?"
Rep - "Its what?"
Toner Boy - "How loud is it."
Rep - "Ahhh. It sounds like a printer."
Toner Boy - "Does your company offer a Db (decibel) rating on your products? You know so a person can see how loud your printer is compared to others."
Rep - "Yeah we offer a special model with a silencer! (Awkward laugh) (Long silent pause) Are you serious? Is this a joke? What the hell does that matter? It's a printer! It's mechanical! It's going to make noise! Hopefully not as much as a car stereo would, where that sort of thing matters, but some."
Toner Boy - "Well one of the department heads here find that the current model he has from you is too loud and he would like something quieter with all of the same features."
Rep - "Tell him to get a secretary with a 6500 printer in the other room so he can't hear it, or her working." *Click*
I give up.
Toner Boy
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Monday, Monday.... so bad to me.....
I walk over to get my water this morning and Wigglesworth is talking to Searching for Quarters. Wigglesworth says, "Blah, blah, blah.... so why don't you count these first." Quarters, "What counties?" Wigglesworth, "Count those first." Quarters, "Count what?" Wigglesworth, "Those!" Quarters, "Why am I counting counties?" Wigglesworth, "*SIGH*, You are not counting...." Wigglesworth walks away. And people wonder why I am the way I am about working here.
By the way... it is 9:26 and I am done with my work for the week. Nice huh? When you stay on top of your shit and simplify the processes (Like normal people would do in REAL jobs because it is crucial that you be efficient.) tasks can get done and people can be productive so you can have a positive impact on the bottom line. Wait... this is government work and they have not figured out that a good bottom line matters! Silly me. Guess I should be more like the rest of them and take a simple task and drag it out 3 weeks or so.
Well it is Monday once again and the weekends get shorter and shorter each time they come around. I beg them on during the week, and ask them to wait each weekend. What I have come to realize is that I am begging life to speed up and pass by, and that is the thing I hate the most. I would much rather have each and everyday be one that I wake up and look forward to. Yeah, OK. Welcome to Fantasy Island, right?
Oh wait... forgot that I had a software update to take care of. There goes 6 more minutes of my week. Then again the update is not have to be installed until August 1st. Wonder if I should hold off doing it until July 30th so I can have something to do on that day? Hack... get me out of here! I would settle for poor production and $10K a month at this point! Who am I kidding... you could get me out of here for a stick of gum and a hand job.
No news on the cooking front. It looks like that fire may have been put out before the first pot of water boiled. Who knows... it might come calling, but I am starting to feel like the girl waiting to get asked to the prom on the Thursday before. "I know he is going to call." Hey no worries. Not like I have a lot of free weekend time for the next 3 months to begin with. At this point I would have to make time to fit this in. Not that I would say no because it is something that I would love to do if I am creating my own menu, but I am not going to worry about it at this point.
Friday I ended up getting out of the office about an hour early so I could make in into town in time to watch the girls at their Camp Showcase. They each won awards for their work at camp that week, as well as other members of The SC. After the showcase we got together and went over the Chet's and had a great dinner and the girls went for a swim. Chet started a cupcake fight with the girls that got Foo's panties in a bunch before the night was through. Poor Foo!
Saturday came around and I watched the US World Cup match. England beat them like a drum the entire game, but the goal keeper Howard for the US was just off the hook sick! Dude is a stud. US should have lost that game 6-1 the way is was being played. Thunder went to a birthday party in the afternoon and Hunny went to a girls showery thingy down at the gym with the cheer family of moms that night. After Jordan's party me and the girls went to Turbo's to hang out for a bit and I gave McLovin a hand with his resume. Yes... resume! I hope for him that things work out, I know he would like to have something go his way these days as well.
Sunday we got an invite from Monkey and After 6 to come over for a BBQ and swim for the kids. Albert and the boys joined us and we hung out and watched some B-Ball and swam in our glasses while the kids were out in the pool. Pill and Little P stopped in for a pit stop as well. Pill chatted with the girls while Little P swam with the kids. Little Miss had a little too much fun as she was covered in Band-Aids before the day was done from jumping around on the rocks around the pool! Kids will be kids.
It is 10:26 and I have not heard Cracker once today. That is odd. But you know I have kept hearing, what sounded like, someone pouring something. Sure as shit I just walked by his cube and he has two 2-liter bottles of Coke sitting on his desk! Guess the old lady got tired of his ass spending $8 a day on sodas. Hope he can make it through the day with just the 2 bottles. Do I have to change his name from Cracker to Pourer if this trend holds out? How about, 2 Liter Charley? Double Bubble Burpa Cola?
I think the Mr. Obvious went to some, "How to assert yourself as a manager" classes over the weekend. He is walking around talking to people like he feels like I do about this place. You go boy! Or maybe he grew a set of balls? Anyway is in full "stuck on stutter" mode talking to him because he does not know how to respond over there. Either that or he is trying to find words other than "fuck off" to say to him!
Catching Flies needs to upgrade from Just for Men to a salon. His dye job has washed away to the point now where his head is a sad state of affairs. It looks like a calico cat was skinned and laid to rest of his head. White, black, red, gray, orange.... that mixed with the crap in the corners of his mouth he looks like he should be committed to a state hospital. This ad is just for him, ahhh... I mean men.
Not sure if I have ever mentioned this in the past to any of you.... but I really hate it here. Just sayin.
Skippy tried to follow me into the bathroom this morning. Hung a left and went the other way when I figured out where he was going. Sike! Find someone more impressive to look at you closet pole smoker.
I have currently been trapped here for 1 year, 4 months, 5 days and.... hold... hold... wait for it... 3 hours exactly.
I hear the 42nd showing of Master and Commander is going to be shown in my car at lunch today. Very excited. Wonder if they will defeat the French again this time?
Excuse me for a second... have the serious task of unjamming a printer because someone can't figure out the tough task of closing a paper tray without fucking things up. Even worse, no one over there can figure out how to resolve the matter. Really? ----- OK... well that took all over 7 seconds. Nimrods!
I can overhear Anyway telling someone on the phone that he is confused. No shit?
Wonder if I click my heels and chant, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." if this will all go away?
Influenza is back and sneezing up a storm. Lucky me! Though I do get a giggle when she sounds like a squeeze toy every once in a while.
Obvious just turned the corner too quick behind me and plowed into the wall. I almost just pissed myself with joy!
Creeper must be bored or playing I Spy with his boss and he wants to find something real good to use because he is doing hot laps around this place today.
I do have the high point of playing with an iPad today. No not those things in the wife's undies. That electronic thing from Apple people. Then again if those pads in the wife's undies were electronic maybe she would loosen up a bit huh? I need to market "Humming Pads. Cranky because you are on the rag? Try Humming Pads and wipe that puss off your face! Well... at least the monthly one." That might work! Can't do that with tampons though.... that market is already taken. OK... so they just sell the applicator, but still.
I could not pass this ad up either. Sorry. Do you notice that there is a new and best price offered? Who in the hell is going to want to buy one of these things if they are not new? For all of you sick bastard guys who just said, "Me!"..... that is just wrong. I am not even that twisted.
My season pass to Disneyland made it down there without me last week. I think that is a bunch of horse shit if you ask me.
The Looker is sporting a fly pair of light maple brown pants, black belt, dark brown shows, white shirt and a green tie. What in the hell is he supposed to be, a bad nature scene? Maybe he can wear a curly white wig to represent clouds? He is good enough to wear an undershirt so his man nipples are under wraps... I will give him that.
I think that I am going to save this thing here and see what else the day brings. I would hate to post now and the day is still so young. I am sure something will turn up that you will need to hear about. The way Obvious and Anyway have been going at it something is going to have to give! *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!*
"Varity is the spice of life." Then what is day 5 in the last 7 of egg salad? Don't get me wrong it was good (Thanks again Hunny!) but my goodness (OK.... now there is going to be egg salad on my screen. Influenza is back to burping better then ever over there.) a man can only each the same thing so many times.... wait, strike that. A man can only eat so much egg salad in one weeks time!
Also I lied. Master and Commander was being shown today. But I did sleep through the last half of SWAT that was first shown on Friday. As far as I could tell.... they still took the bad guy to prison at the end today as well.
It is less then 4 weeks to the fundraiser in Tracy for the girls cheer. Come on people step up and be heard. We have raffle tickets for sale where you can win $500, we have poker seats available where you can win $600, there will be BBQ sold for $20 all you can eat and drink and a Bunco event for the ladies at night. You do not have to be present to win the raffle prize, but it may help if you were there to play the poker. Others of you, maybe not. Just sayin.
Cracker just walked by with a canned soda. He's two fisting it! "Take that old lady.", he says to himself as he cracks it open. What a rebel.
Putting water in your to-go coffee jug no matter how much you clean it.... still tastes like coffee.
Get this... Catching Flies wants to have a meeting! This will be worth talking about. So glad I waited to post this!!!
Ever read VCR instructions? They made more sense then this meeting. I still can't explain what it was even about after being out of it for 10 mins. If there was a good thing, it was no one was hit by those little white balls of mouth goo from Catching Flies. The topic was so, "WTF?" that even Penis passed up on attending!
It has been settled. I will be the new judge on American Idol.
Someone just dropped a stack of what sounded like books. Pissed that I missed it so I could have gotten a laugh. *Looking around the office* Oh damn! And it was The Looker. He dropped a stack of files that he was carrying. I would have truly appreciated that shit. I will laugh out of proxy on this one!
I have heartburn so bad right now that I could toss my cookies. In 3 hours when I get home I can take something for it. Yea!
Did you catch the name of the NASCAR race on Sunday? If not... look for yourself. Larry the Cable Guy is not too far off in his skit when he talks about the Summers Eve 250. Have they really reached the bottom of the sponsor barrel? Tell me again Wall Street how far we have come in this recovery. Nothing says NASCAR racing like a good chip and dip.
That is it... I got through most of my day with a good Monday vent.
Enjoy your week. I won't.
Toner Boy
By the way... it is 9:26 and I am done with my work for the week. Nice huh? When you stay on top of your shit and simplify the processes (Like normal people would do in REAL jobs because it is crucial that you be efficient.) tasks can get done and people can be productive so you can have a positive impact on the bottom line. Wait... this is government work and they have not figured out that a good bottom line matters! Silly me. Guess I should be more like the rest of them and take a simple task and drag it out 3 weeks or so.
Well it is Monday once again and the weekends get shorter and shorter each time they come around. I beg them on during the week, and ask them to wait each weekend. What I have come to realize is that I am begging life to speed up and pass by, and that is the thing I hate the most. I would much rather have each and everyday be one that I wake up and look forward to. Yeah, OK. Welcome to Fantasy Island, right?
Oh wait... forgot that I had a software update to take care of. There goes 6 more minutes of my week. Then again the update is not have to be installed until August 1st. Wonder if I should hold off doing it until July 30th so I can have something to do on that day? Hack... get me out of here! I would settle for poor production and $10K a month at this point! Who am I kidding... you could get me out of here for a stick of gum and a hand job.
No news on the cooking front. It looks like that fire may have been put out before the first pot of water boiled. Who knows... it might come calling, but I am starting to feel like the girl waiting to get asked to the prom on the Thursday before. "I know he is going to call." Hey no worries. Not like I have a lot of free weekend time for the next 3 months to begin with. At this point I would have to make time to fit this in. Not that I would say no because it is something that I would love to do if I am creating my own menu, but I am not going to worry about it at this point.
Friday I ended up getting out of the office about an hour early so I could make in into town in time to watch the girls at their Camp Showcase. They each won awards for their work at camp that week, as well as other members of The SC. After the showcase we got together and went over the Chet's and had a great dinner and the girls went for a swim. Chet started a cupcake fight with the girls that got Foo's panties in a bunch before the night was through. Poor Foo!
Saturday came around and I watched the US World Cup match. England beat them like a drum the entire game, but the goal keeper Howard for the US was just off the hook sick! Dude is a stud. US should have lost that game 6-1 the way is was being played. Thunder went to a birthday party in the afternoon and Hunny went to a girls showery thingy down at the gym with the cheer family of moms that night. After Jordan's party me and the girls went to Turbo's to hang out for a bit and I gave McLovin a hand with his resume. Yes... resume! I hope for him that things work out, I know he would like to have something go his way these days as well.
Sunday we got an invite from Monkey and After 6 to come over for a BBQ and swim for the kids. Albert and the boys joined us and we hung out and watched some B-Ball and swam in our glasses while the kids were out in the pool. Pill and Little P stopped in for a pit stop as well. Pill chatted with the girls while Little P swam with the kids. Little Miss had a little too much fun as she was covered in Band-Aids before the day was done from jumping around on the rocks around the pool! Kids will be kids.
It is 10:26 and I have not heard Cracker once today. That is odd. But you know I have kept hearing, what sounded like, someone pouring something. Sure as shit I just walked by his cube and he has two 2-liter bottles of Coke sitting on his desk! Guess the old lady got tired of his ass spending $8 a day on sodas. Hope he can make it through the day with just the 2 bottles. Do I have to change his name from Cracker to Pourer if this trend holds out? How about, 2 Liter Charley? Double Bubble Burpa Cola?
I think the Mr. Obvious went to some, "How to assert yourself as a manager" classes over the weekend. He is walking around talking to people like he feels like I do about this place. You go boy! Or maybe he grew a set of balls? Anyway is in full "stuck on stutter" mode talking to him because he does not know how to respond over there. Either that or he is trying to find words other than "fuck off" to say to him!
Catching Flies needs to upgrade from Just for Men to a salon. His dye job has washed away to the point now where his head is a sad state of affairs. It looks like a calico cat was skinned and laid to rest of his head. White, black, red, gray, orange.... that mixed with the crap in the corners of his mouth he looks like he should be committed to a state hospital. This ad is just for him, ahhh... I mean men.
Not sure if I have ever mentioned this in the past to any of you.... but I really hate it here. Just sayin.
Skippy tried to follow me into the bathroom this morning. Hung a left and went the other way when I figured out where he was going. Sike! Find someone more impressive to look at you closet pole smoker.
I have currently been trapped here for 1 year, 4 months, 5 days and.... hold... hold... wait for it... 3 hours exactly.
I hear the 42nd showing of Master and Commander is going to be shown in my car at lunch today. Very excited. Wonder if they will defeat the French again this time?
Excuse me for a second... have the serious task of unjamming a printer because someone can't figure out the tough task of closing a paper tray without fucking things up. Even worse, no one over there can figure out how to resolve the matter. Really? ----- OK... well that took all over 7 seconds. Nimrods!
I can overhear Anyway telling someone on the phone that he is confused. No shit?
Wonder if I click my heels and chant, "There's no place like home. There's no place like home." if this will all go away?
Influenza is back and sneezing up a storm. Lucky me! Though I do get a giggle when she sounds like a squeeze toy every once in a while.
Obvious just turned the corner too quick behind me and plowed into the wall. I almost just pissed myself with joy!
Creeper must be bored or playing I Spy with his boss and he wants to find something real good to use because he is doing hot laps around this place today.
I do have the high point of playing with an iPad today. No not those things in the wife's undies. That electronic thing from Apple people. Then again if those pads in the wife's undies were electronic maybe she would loosen up a bit huh? I need to market "Humming Pads. Cranky because you are on the rag? Try Humming Pads and wipe that puss off your face! Well... at least the monthly one." That might work! Can't do that with tampons though.... that market is already taken. OK... so they just sell the applicator, but still.
I could not pass this ad up either. Sorry. Do you notice that there is a new and best price offered? Who in the hell is going to want to buy one of these things if they are not new? For all of you sick bastard guys who just said, "Me!"..... that is just wrong. I am not even that twisted.
My season pass to Disneyland made it down there without me last week. I think that is a bunch of horse shit if you ask me.
The Looker is sporting a fly pair of light maple brown pants, black belt, dark brown shows, white shirt and a green tie. What in the hell is he supposed to be, a bad nature scene? Maybe he can wear a curly white wig to represent clouds? He is good enough to wear an undershirt so his man nipples are under wraps... I will give him that.
I think that I am going to save this thing here and see what else the day brings. I would hate to post now and the day is still so young. I am sure something will turn up that you will need to hear about. The way Obvious and Anyway have been going at it something is going to have to give! *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!*
"Varity is the spice of life." Then what is day 5 in the last 7 of egg salad? Don't get me wrong it was good (Thanks again Hunny!) but my goodness (OK.... now there is going to be egg salad on my screen. Influenza is back to burping better then ever over there.) a man can only each the same thing so many times.... wait, strike that. A man can only eat so much egg salad in one weeks time!
Also I lied. Master and Commander was being shown today. But I did sleep through the last half of SWAT that was first shown on Friday. As far as I could tell.... they still took the bad guy to prison at the end today as well.
It is less then 4 weeks to the fundraiser in Tracy for the girls cheer. Come on people step up and be heard. We have raffle tickets for sale where you can win $500, we have poker seats available where you can win $600, there will be BBQ sold for $20 all you can eat and drink and a Bunco event for the ladies at night. You do not have to be present to win the raffle prize, but it may help if you were there to play the poker. Others of you, maybe not. Just sayin.
Cracker just walked by with a canned soda. He's two fisting it! "Take that old lady.", he says to himself as he cracks it open. What a rebel.
Putting water in your to-go coffee jug no matter how much you clean it.... still tastes like coffee.
Get this... Catching Flies wants to have a meeting! This will be worth talking about. So glad I waited to post this!!!
Ever read VCR instructions? They made more sense then this meeting. I still can't explain what it was even about after being out of it for 10 mins. If there was a good thing, it was no one was hit by those little white balls of mouth goo from Catching Flies. The topic was so, "WTF?" that even Penis passed up on attending!
It has been settled. I will be the new judge on American Idol.
Someone just dropped a stack of what sounded like books. Pissed that I missed it so I could have gotten a laugh. *Looking around the office* Oh damn! And it was The Looker. He dropped a stack of files that he was carrying. I would have truly appreciated that shit. I will laugh out of proxy on this one!
I have heartburn so bad right now that I could toss my cookies. In 3 hours when I get home I can take something for it. Yea!
Did you catch the name of the NASCAR race on Sunday? If not... look for yourself. Larry the Cable Guy is not too far off in his skit when he talks about the Summers Eve 250. Have they really reached the bottom of the sponsor barrel? Tell me again Wall Street how far we have come in this recovery. Nothing says NASCAR racing like a good chip and dip.
That is it... I got through most of my day with a good Monday vent.
Enjoy your week. I won't.
Toner Boy
Friday, June 11, 2010
Yeah.......
I love to TGIF and stuff like that on days like today. Let's see.... it is 10:14 and means that I have been in my office exactly..... 83 hours today. Oh wait... that is just over 2 hours. Huh? This is like that one time I spent a month one week in Pennsylvania! Let's see.... I have already fixed 4 or 5 things for people, read some emails, completely redesigned my blog, went for a walk to buy my get out of jail free card, (Lotto tickets I think the rest of you call them!) ran all my reports and sent out patches to all the computers. Now what?
I think I am about out of mind farts to entertain Ducky with.
It is pay day. Now I can get a double scoop at Baskin Robbins tonight.
Thanks to Ducky it is also my last Subway Free Sandwich Friday! Thanks again Duck!
Raiders made another nice move and signed a stud DT today in John Henderson to help the run game. To bad this is the last season we are going to see football for a while.
Bonds is getting off. Who cares? I was just happy to no longer be reading his name in the damn paper to be honest with you. It is over people... just let him go and live out his last few years before his kidneys fail.
Let's look at the weekend.
Weather guy says we are one step closer to hell with the temperature's he is guessing.
The girls have their Camp Showcase tonight down at the gym and then The SC is going to get together and eat after over at Chet and Paparazzi's. Nice way to get things started.
US and England is tomorrow for World Cup. That should be a great game. Everyone has plans so I think I will melt into the couch for the day, avoid the heat and watch the boob tube. Hey if I get real, and I mean real lucky, maybe there will be a 3D showing of them at some point as well! I know... stop laughing.
Sunday I am talking The Fuzz into letting the girls swin in the water in the pool, so we can swim in the beer in our bottles. Why not?
Just read that a NHRA driver was just killed on the track in New Jersey. They are not releasing information on who it was. Very sad to hear. Going by the times on the schedule for the event it looks to be either a Pro Mod, Stock or Bike driver. If they are running behind it could be a Top Alcohol Dragster driver. More to follow.
**UPDATE**
NHRA Top Alcohol Dragster Driver Neal Parker dies in New Jersey.
Toner Boy
I think I am about out of mind farts to entertain Ducky with.
It is pay day. Now I can get a double scoop at Baskin Robbins tonight.
Thanks to Ducky it is also my last Subway Free Sandwich Friday! Thanks again Duck!
Raiders made another nice move and signed a stud DT today in John Henderson to help the run game. To bad this is the last season we are going to see football for a while.
Bonds is getting off. Who cares? I was just happy to no longer be reading his name in the damn paper to be honest with you. It is over people... just let him go and live out his last few years before his kidneys fail.
Let's look at the weekend.
Weather guy says we are one step closer to hell with the temperature's he is guessing.
The girls have their Camp Showcase tonight down at the gym and then The SC is going to get together and eat after over at Chet and Paparazzi's. Nice way to get things started.
US and England is tomorrow for World Cup. That should be a great game. Everyone has plans so I think I will melt into the couch for the day, avoid the heat and watch the boob tube. Hey if I get real, and I mean real lucky, maybe there will be a 3D showing of them at some point as well! I know... stop laughing.
Sunday I am talking The Fuzz into letting the girls swin in the water in the pool, so we can swim in the beer in our bottles. Why not?
Just read that a NHRA driver was just killed on the track in New Jersey. They are not releasing information on who it was. Very sad to hear. Going by the times on the schedule for the event it looks to be either a Pro Mod, Stock or Bike driver. If they are running behind it could be a Top Alcohol Dragster driver. More to follow.
**UPDATE**
NHRA Top Alcohol Dragster Driver Neal Parker dies in New Jersey.
Toner Boy
Thursday, June 10, 2010
"I'm comin Elizabeth!"
No I am not kicking the bucket.... just yet. Just paying homage to Fred Sanford.
"DUNT DUNT DUNNIT... DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DUNNIT DUN DUNT DUNT DUNNIT....DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DINIT DUNNN DUNT DUNT ...DINT DUNT DANT DANT DANT DERRT DERRRT DERRRNT DERRRNT DEERNT DERRRRRR...."
OK... I have nothing big today, I just have nothing else to fricken do! So I will attempt to humor you with some of my childish witticisms.
I hope that like my wife, you are all easily impressed! (How else can I explain why she is still with me?)
A few notes....
A note to any baby calf that is stepping up to the bar for a sip of milk..... There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. The wrong way is walking up behind your mother, or any udder mudder (other mother - for you slow people!) you see, and stick your head between her legs to get a drink. Take a few extra steps and walk to the side for optimal access with the least amount of fall out. Literally. If you have not noticed this before, you will notice it now, there is an escape hatch located on the backside right above your head when you use this point of access. This evacuation point can, and will be, used at any time without notification of your hosting bartender. So please be aware if you choose to proceed that you may get covered in excrement and ruin your beverage. Or in the case of the driver watching this happen... you ruin his ability to see where he is driving through his tears.
A note that you are never to old to learn the properties of physics..... Do you ever stop to think about what makes things happen? Or are you even aware things are happening without you noticing? If you pour water into a body of water, it will splash no matter what you do. The splash will be a little bigger when they first come into contact with one another, but there will still be some small residual splashing as you continue to pour. That is just what happens when two liquids meet. Now if you raise the height or intensify the stream of water you are pouring the splash and splatter while pouring will dramatically increase throughout this process. If you were to add say a solid object to the mix, any time the water begin poured would in turn spray or redirect itself as it is not able to penetrate through a solid object. Let's see how this works!
A note to people who have not learned that farts, are sticky..... If you leave your work space to seek help from others, it is a good idea not to drop wolf bait before you go and assume that it will be gone once you return! Farts are methane that is in your body. When you expel built up pressure out the backdoor odor will usually follow. Now not all farts have to smell, or hang around for a long time. Smell comes from sulfurs in your system, or methane going around the one you have in the chamber ready to launch and bringing little poop particles along for the ride so you can share with the rest of us. Hence the term, "Right off the turd." Now the more methane only... the more likely that the fart come and goes quickly.... low sticky factor. The more mud in the pipes that you have the longer the thing hangs around because those little turd crumbs are now stuck to everything around you and need some time to dry out. Now one should not take the chance and assume that it was a methane build up and bring someone back to their work space only to take a breath and figure out that a trip to the ass gasket motel may soon be in order. Now you see where the saying, "Assume.... makes an ass out of you and me." No... the real term was, "Share my ass with you and me."
A note to Carly about knowing when it is a good time to make jokes..... It is always fun to laugh at others, hence my blog. But if you are going to do it, be smart about it. If you are a public figure with every one's eyes and ears on you at all times, be VERY smart about it. No one is saying you can't enjoy these simple pleasures in life, just make sure that there are no electronic items within eye or ear shot of you when you do it! Just sayin. Not that she was lying about Barbara's hair, but to be caught laughing out loud with her mic turned on. Ouch! Hey Carly... it is not like you look like you spent more than $29.95 on a Flowbee for yours, but to rip into Barbara THREE times in a row with your mic open... wait... even wearing a mic while making those comments and just about rolling on the floor laughing about them! What were you thinking? Not the best thing to do the day after winning your seat so you can run for Senator of this jacked up state. More copious notes next time Carly. But, do you want to know the truth? Makes me want to vote for you more! GO Carly! You are going to get your ass handed to you, but that was classic. What about Meg and Jerry? Damn come out swinging at the first bell why don't you? I can tell her and Brown are going to drag each other through the mud on this one. Hey Meg... talk about his manhood like Carly did Barbara's hair! "Hey Jerry... You've got a little dick and I faked it with you!" Politicians... or comedians? You decide. All I know if Robin Williams ever runs for anything I will be his campaign manager. The Clown and Toner Boy!
For some reason I have had more today overall then I have had in quite a while. To all of you who have played your little part in my mind circus... I thank you. Time for me to catch the crosstown bus and see the sights and sounds of the city. Maybe I can see if Ron wants to go for a bus ride with me and Bill as we look for bad haircuts and small manhood of our candidates? I know I am not getting off until I see something that I have never seen before! Bill... go pee before we leave. I'd hate to ruin Ron's nice suit.
Toner Boy
"DUNT DUNT DUNNIT... DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DUNNIT DUN DUNT DUNT DUNNIT....DUNT DUNT DUNNIT DINIT DUNNN DUNT DUNT ...DINT DUNT DANT DANT DANT DERRT DERRRT DERRRNT DERRRNT DEERNT DERRRRRR...."
OK... I have nothing big today, I just have nothing else to fricken do! So I will attempt to humor you with some of my childish witticisms.
I hope that like my wife, you are all easily impressed! (How else can I explain why she is still with me?)
A few notes....
A note to any baby calf that is stepping up to the bar for a sip of milk..... There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. The wrong way is walking up behind your mother, or any udder mudder (other mother - for you slow people!) you see, and stick your head between her legs to get a drink. Take a few extra steps and walk to the side for optimal access with the least amount of fall out. Literally. If you have not noticed this before, you will notice it now, there is an escape hatch located on the backside right above your head when you use this point of access. This evacuation point can, and will be, used at any time without notification of your hosting bartender. So please be aware if you choose to proceed that you may get covered in excrement and ruin your beverage. Or in the case of the driver watching this happen... you ruin his ability to see where he is driving through his tears.
A note that you are never to old to learn the properties of physics..... Do you ever stop to think about what makes things happen? Or are you even aware things are happening without you noticing? If you pour water into a body of water, it will splash no matter what you do. The splash will be a little bigger when they first come into contact with one another, but there will still be some small residual splashing as you continue to pour. That is just what happens when two liquids meet. Now if you raise the height or intensify the stream of water you are pouring the splash and splatter while pouring will dramatically increase throughout this process. If you were to add say a solid object to the mix, any time the water begin poured would in turn spray or redirect itself as it is not able to penetrate through a solid object. Let's see how this works!
- We will call our test subject Bill. Bill enters the public restroom of the Alameda County Administration Building after being in his car for the past hour and has consumed 91 ounces of Starbucks coffee. Bill really has to pee. Once Bill parks his vehicle, walks a quarter of a mile, makes his way through the metal detectors after having to take his shoes off because the lights and sirens went off for no reason as he passed through them, has to sit down in a chair to try and cautiously put his shoes back on by leaning over and putting even more pressure of his already frail bladder! Once his shoes are half way back on, Bill races to the restroom. Bill, wearing shorts mind you, comes into the bathroom to find a man (me) it the far left hand stall of the three stalls that are on the wall. Not wanting to have his man card taken from him, or take any chance to someone looking at his goods, Bill goes to the far right hand stall that it located about an inch off of the floor for the short Pacific Rim people working in the building and any newborn who happens to come in to talk to the tax collector about his property tax bill. Bill, with his notepad and folder under one arm, is already releasing the Kraken from his shorts as he is walking up to receive his lesson in physics. Bill has no ability to stop this impending disaster, so this lesson was going to take place whether Bill wanted to learn it or not! Bill may also think twice before putting himself into this position in the future, and what he can do to prevent it from happening again. After watching this... I suggest rubber thigh high waders. Bill commences peeing with an initial urine stream at about 315 psi. The urine stream hits the top back wall of the urinal and proceeds to spray back onto Bill's exposed legs as if he were being hit by a Super Soaker 3000! Bill at this point is just so enthralled in the excitement of his actions that it takes him a moment to realize the error in his aim. As Bill peers down to see the mess he has caused he tries to reconcile by restricting the flow of urine and search for another target. Bill spots the water at the bottom of the urinal where his pee will eventually escape to the source of our drinking water. (Just sayin)
A note to people who have not learned that farts, are sticky..... If you leave your work space to seek help from others, it is a good idea not to drop wolf bait before you go and assume that it will be gone once you return! Farts are methane that is in your body. When you expel built up pressure out the backdoor odor will usually follow. Now not all farts have to smell, or hang around for a long time. Smell comes from sulfurs in your system, or methane going around the one you have in the chamber ready to launch and bringing little poop particles along for the ride so you can share with the rest of us. Hence the term, "Right off the turd." Now the more methane only... the more likely that the fart come and goes quickly.... low sticky factor. The more mud in the pipes that you have the longer the thing hangs around because those little turd crumbs are now stuck to everything around you and need some time to dry out. Now one should not take the chance and assume that it was a methane build up and bring someone back to their work space only to take a breath and figure out that a trip to the ass gasket motel may soon be in order. Now you see where the saying, "Assume.... makes an ass out of you and me." No... the real term was, "Share my ass with you and me."
A note to Carly about knowing when it is a good time to make jokes..... It is always fun to laugh at others, hence my blog. But if you are going to do it, be smart about it. If you are a public figure with every one's eyes and ears on you at all times, be VERY smart about it. No one is saying you can't enjoy these simple pleasures in life, just make sure that there are no electronic items within eye or ear shot of you when you do it! Just sayin. Not that she was lying about Barbara's hair, but to be caught laughing out loud with her mic turned on. Ouch! Hey Carly... it is not like you look like you spent more than $29.95 on a Flowbee for yours, but to rip into Barbara THREE times in a row with your mic open... wait... even wearing a mic while making those comments and just about rolling on the floor laughing about them! What were you thinking? Not the best thing to do the day after winning your seat so you can run for Senator of this jacked up state. More copious notes next time Carly. But, do you want to know the truth? Makes me want to vote for you more! GO Carly! You are going to get your ass handed to you, but that was classic. What about Meg and Jerry? Damn come out swinging at the first bell why don't you? I can tell her and Brown are going to drag each other through the mud on this one. Hey Meg... talk about his manhood like Carly did Barbara's hair! "Hey Jerry... You've got a little dick and I faked it with you!" Politicians... or comedians? You decide. All I know if Robin Williams ever runs for anything I will be his campaign manager. The Clown and Toner Boy!
For some reason I have had more today overall then I have had in quite a while. To all of you who have played your little part in my mind circus... I thank you. Time for me to catch the crosstown bus and see the sights and sounds of the city. Maybe I can see if Ron wants to go for a bus ride with me and Bill as we look for bad haircuts and small manhood of our candidates? I know I am not getting off until I see something that I have never seen before! Bill... go pee before we leave. I'd hate to ruin Ron's nice suit.
Toner Boy
Monday, June 7, 2010
Ever feel like you are talking to yourself?
Do you ever just know when you should not be doing something, but you do it anyway? That is me today. I am so tired that I can't see straight and being tired is going me a whole new level of dickatude.
Oh well... so be it.
I want to clear the air because there seems to be a lot of confusion about my statement last week about cooking out at the Delta. I had the word, 'possible', 'might' or 'maybe' mixed in there somewhere I am sure. I have talked to the owners of the place, and they are looking to open the first weekend of July but we have put nothing together at this point. So I will let everyone know as soon as I know something for sure about it. Thanks for your interest though. Hopefully there will be the same sort of interest when I have a place of my own down the line.
Real quick weekend wrap up for those of you who care to know.
Friday night we went over to Albert and Ednolb's place to hang out. I helped get Albert's new pool table somewhat leveled in his garage with what we had on hand. That can be a real bitch!
Saturday I got up, made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen before making a new mess. Hunny ran to the store to pick up what I needed to make a pasta dish to take over to The Fuzz and Smut Queen's place for their littlest ones swim party. The SC was in the house! Good times were had. Tried to plan a Disneyland trip this summer for the kids and an adult trip for Hunny's 40th birthday coming up, but that go no where. Went home to a party at the neighbors house that lasted until 2 in the morning and nothing better to do but sit and listen to it.
Sunday I got up and sat around the living room watching TV starting at 6 after a restless night of sleep. All of the girls managed to sleep until 10 or so. Once they were up I cleaned up a few odds and ends at the house and then we got read and went to Costco to pick up a few things. Went over to Turbo's to BBQ some burgers and eat with the family.
"Toner Boy's life is a non-stop thrill ride!" Dave Simmons, New York Post
Was lucky to have slept 3 hours in total last night... and here I am
The office is its typical pointless self.
Cracker is at it. Candy bar and Coke at 9:32 in the morning. I think I am going to take up his diet. He might be fighting with his old lady all of the time, but those Coke's, bags of chips and candy bars sure do seem to bring him down off of the ledge. I know if his wife were mine I would have been behind bars a long time ago, so there is something to be said for the calming affects of sugar!
Note to those of you who own shoes that sound like farm animals, or baby seals when you walk... THROW THE FUCKING THINGS AWAY AND BUY NEW ONES THAT FIT!
Ducky if you ever really wanted to get me back to bowling this is your prime chance. I could use nights of flinging my balls as hard as I can for no ones pleasure other than my own!
"I laugh out loud at his pain!" Walter Wise, Chicago Sun Times
Catching Flies has walked around my desk about 15 times. I think he is trying to figure out how to ask me on a date. He seems apprehensive.
Anyway is back. I am sure you are as thrilled as I am. I asked him for a quote for my blog... "Anyway."
I think McNasty learned to eat from Catching Flies. He is walking by chomping away on something that I am sure if you were directly in front of him you could get a eyeful of if you wanted to or not. Close your mouth when you eat!
Quasimodo just walked by. Looks like he got a new haircut. He looks so much more.... gross.
Penis must be under a lot of pressure today... looks like he is going to blow.
Trekkie is wearing a blue and white dress shirt with a square print pattern on it, with a blue and black diagonal striped tie. Looking good! The only thing better would have been a vertical print on the tie.
Ever have one of those dreams where you are yelling at the top of your lungs to people who are standing right there in the same room and they can not hear you? Or, is it that they just don't want to hear you? No. Just me? Well that is my world.
Strike that initial thought I had.... there seems to be no real point me in venting either besides giving you your occasional laughs.
I think I am going to start living by the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."
So...
Toner Boy
Oh well... so be it.
I want to clear the air because there seems to be a lot of confusion about my statement last week about cooking out at the Delta. I had the word, 'possible', 'might' or 'maybe' mixed in there somewhere I am sure. I have talked to the owners of the place, and they are looking to open the first weekend of July but we have put nothing together at this point. So I will let everyone know as soon as I know something for sure about it. Thanks for your interest though. Hopefully there will be the same sort of interest when I have a place of my own down the line.
Real quick weekend wrap up for those of you who care to know.
Friday night we went over to Albert and Ednolb's place to hang out. I helped get Albert's new pool table somewhat leveled in his garage with what we had on hand. That can be a real bitch!
Saturday I got up, made breakfast and cleaned the kitchen before making a new mess. Hunny ran to the store to pick up what I needed to make a pasta dish to take over to The Fuzz and Smut Queen's place for their littlest ones swim party. The SC was in the house! Good times were had. Tried to plan a Disneyland trip this summer for the kids and an adult trip for Hunny's 40th birthday coming up, but that go no where. Went home to a party at the neighbors house that lasted until 2 in the morning and nothing better to do but sit and listen to it.
Sunday I got up and sat around the living room watching TV starting at 6 after a restless night of sleep. All of the girls managed to sleep until 10 or so. Once they were up I cleaned up a few odds and ends at the house and then we got read and went to Costco to pick up a few things. Went over to Turbo's to BBQ some burgers and eat with the family.
"Toner Boy's life is a non-stop thrill ride!" Dave Simmons, New York Post
Was lucky to have slept 3 hours in total last night... and here I am
The office is its typical pointless self.
Cracker is at it. Candy bar and Coke at 9:32 in the morning. I think I am going to take up his diet. He might be fighting with his old lady all of the time, but those Coke's, bags of chips and candy bars sure do seem to bring him down off of the ledge. I know if his wife were mine I would have been behind bars a long time ago, so there is something to be said for the calming affects of sugar!
Note to those of you who own shoes that sound like farm animals, or baby seals when you walk... THROW THE FUCKING THINGS AWAY AND BUY NEW ONES THAT FIT!
Ducky if you ever really wanted to get me back to bowling this is your prime chance. I could use nights of flinging my balls as hard as I can for no ones pleasure other than my own!
"I laugh out loud at his pain!" Walter Wise, Chicago Sun Times
Catching Flies has walked around my desk about 15 times. I think he is trying to figure out how to ask me on a date. He seems apprehensive.
Anyway is back. I am sure you are as thrilled as I am. I asked him for a quote for my blog... "Anyway."
I think McNasty learned to eat from Catching Flies. He is walking by chomping away on something that I am sure if you were directly in front of him you could get a eyeful of if you wanted to or not. Close your mouth when you eat!
Quasimodo just walked by. Looks like he got a new haircut. He looks so much more.... gross.
Penis must be under a lot of pressure today... looks like he is going to blow.
Trekkie is wearing a blue and white dress shirt with a square print pattern on it, with a blue and black diagonal striped tie. Looking good! The only thing better would have been a vertical print on the tie.
Ever have one of those dreams where you are yelling at the top of your lungs to people who are standing right there in the same room and they can not hear you? Or, is it that they just don't want to hear you? No. Just me? Well that is my world.
Strike that initial thought I had.... there seems to be no real point me in venting either besides giving you your occasional laughs.
I think I am going to start living by the old saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all."
So...
Toner Boy
Friday, June 4, 2010
OK.... just ewwww...
I know this is going to sound like one of those jokes that goes, "Two dudes go into a bar..." but this is not a joke.
I go to, where else, the bathroom and I am followed in by a little Asian guy. I walk over to the far big boy urinal and he goes to the opposite end kids urinal. OK... nothing out of sorts here. Yet. I mean after all he did belong at the kids one, as I am sure the adult one was WAY to tall for him.
Now I get finished and walk over to the sink to wash my hands and he is not far behind me. Now.... I think I would have noticed either someone over there helping him, or if he had held his hands over his head while he was doing his business, right? Well I saw nothing of the sort!
I start to wash my hands and he comes over to the sink puts a few droplets of water on his hand, far from enough to attempt to rinse away anything that might be on them, and proceeds to wipe his mouth with his hands! I did not see him sporting 4 arms, or an extra set of hands attached to those babies so they had to be the same ones that he used to pee. Being that he is Asian I know for a fact that he needed to hold that sum-bitch or piss would have hit the back wall and wet his ass down!
After using pisswash on his mouth it must have magically converted to hair gel because he then ran his fingers through his hair as he looked in the mirror. The whole time I am almost still with my hands in the sink, not even washing them as I watch in disgust and amazement at what he just did.
He then takes the cake by rolling out some paper towel, blowing his nose in it and walks out of the restroom. Wow. That was grosstacular!
I wonder if I just sat there in the restroom all day if I would have enough material to write a book on what I have seen? Think anyone will notice if I am sitting there in a chair watching everything that they do and talking into a voice recorder about what I just saw them do?
How about if I sat in your bathroom? Oh God no... scratch that... I don't want to know what you do, or DON'T do!
Well T.G.I.F. and here is to hoping all of you enjoy your weekends. I know that I still have 3 and a half hours before I get to leave this place and go sit in my weekend traffic for 2 hours, but I am counting the minutes! Tomorrow we are going over to Smut Queen's for the little ones birthday party. This should be a great time to talk shit, drink beer and plot against the rest of the world as The SC looks for domination. OK, I went a bit far. No shit talking.
The rest of the weekend I think I will be thumbing my bumpkin and watching some sort of sports or cooking related crap on TV. Maybe do a little menu planning in case I get the call to cook out on the Delta on the weekends. Got to come up with some twisted Southern food that I would feel good about putting my name on. Maybe thumb my bumpkin again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to pass time at this place? Damn is has been 3 minutes since the last time I checked the clock and I swear that during that time Ice Shaker has been on the phone talking in Spanish to 7 different people for 3 hours. Clicking his fucking pen and tapping it on the desk like he is the only one in the fucking building. But I digress.
Influenza is still out and Anyway is as well. I am telling you these two are shacking up and creating a super virus with their germs! They are going to come back and hack up lungs all next week and I will be in ICU because of them. If they have bird flu can I counteract that with cat vaccine? Maybe I should eat more p... lums.
I know if you drink a lot they tell you to spray your furniture with Scotchgard. I don't know why, I like to drink vodka.
I have not heard from Ass Clown or any of those guys for a while. Must have pissed them off. Better to be pissed off then pissed on. OK, most times. Don't know why they could be mad, those pricks have been in a habit of taking my fucking money these days. Nice 3-5 asshole.!
Raffle ticket sales are moving at the speed of smell for the girls fundraiser next month. Along with BBQ tickets and Poker seats. So get yours now while this seemingly endless supply still lasts! (Don't you fuckers call me when you kid is trying to push man groomers or something stupid like that for their baseball team! At least you can get fat and make some money off of our shit. Told ya'll I was a cranky old cuss.)
On a positive note Hunny is doing very well with helping people get their loan modifications done. Some are being a bit more of a pain in the ass then others, but overall they are still going to get done and these people are going to save themselves good money in the long run. I just hate to see her stress out when these lenders are giving her and the client the royal run around trying to delay the inevitable. The real estate attorney that she is working with has them by the short and curly's and they know it. The smarter ones are just getting them done and taking the pain like a champ. The dumb ones are doing their Band Aid removal slow and trying to stir the pot. Never a good idea to piss off someone who is a squeeze away from changing your gender.
What? That was only 15 mins that I have killed since the last time check? Gawd damn!
Hmmm let's see..... hey the Spanish Inquisition, that was a real bitch huh?
So will tuna that they catch now be packed in oil regardless?
How many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Hey. This book to my left. It is currently in the top 75,000 on Amazon.com! Pretty damn good considering that they have millions of books! Click on it and get your copy now! You can say that you were in on the ground level of her smutty beginning! (The last person who only gave her 4 stars. You will be taken care of.)
So if everything that we try for the first time tastes like chicken because it is what we consume the most of, would people many moons ago in the Scottish backwoods say, "Tastes like gopher"?
If you tuck dollars in the g-string of a cute girl, can you throw quarters at the ugly ones? What? They can keep them.
I think Elin took his kids, and his swing. Now how much would he be willing to pay to get them both back? Hate to say it, but Jack... your records are now safe.
I think McDonald's should have put a marketing spin on the Shrek recall and called it, "Want your very own Ogre? Buy our toxic Shrek collectible glasses and watch your kids turn green!"
Did Gary Coleman get a discount because his casket is smaller than normal? Too soon for that joke?
Is it 5 yet? Nope....
Ever notice how every sport a man plays requires him to play with balls or a stick?
Fire & Ice condoms... what will they think of next? Well I guess if they have tea that I hear supposed to make you taste like maple or something, anything is really possible.
California bans plastic bags. Does that include douche bags? If so they need to come up with a Summers Eve Oder Eater like they have for shoes. But like the plastic covers on TV dinners, remove before you eat.
Need to feel better about yourself? People watch at Walmart.
Can you hear me now? I really don't give a shit.
Your body is a temple. Mine must be the Temple of Doom.
Why would anyone eat head cheese? Even the title has bad written all over it. Who in the hell headed up that marketing campaign? Mr. Peabody?
I bet that third guy who started Apple and sold his shares of the company back after a month for $800 is kicking himself in the ass each night at the $1.99 all you can eat buffet in Bumbfuck Nevada playing penny slots!
Fart eating blankets? Really? No joke. Search Google. No Hunny we can not have one so you don't have to get out of bed.
If giving birth is as bad as they say then why is it that 24 eggs are cheaper than a gallon of milk?
Looks like I will be driving home via Northern India tonight to get around the traffic accidents on 580. Thank you for thinking of others when on the roadways.
Stock tumble on bad jobs reports. No shit?
Toner Boy
I go to, where else, the bathroom and I am followed in by a little Asian guy. I walk over to the far big boy urinal and he goes to the opposite end kids urinal. OK... nothing out of sorts here. Yet. I mean after all he did belong at the kids one, as I am sure the adult one was WAY to tall for him.
Now I get finished and walk over to the sink to wash my hands and he is not far behind me. Now.... I think I would have noticed either someone over there helping him, or if he had held his hands over his head while he was doing his business, right? Well I saw nothing of the sort!
I start to wash my hands and he comes over to the sink puts a few droplets of water on his hand, far from enough to attempt to rinse away anything that might be on them, and proceeds to wipe his mouth with his hands! I did not see him sporting 4 arms, or an extra set of hands attached to those babies so they had to be the same ones that he used to pee. Being that he is Asian I know for a fact that he needed to hold that sum-bitch or piss would have hit the back wall and wet his ass down!
After using pisswash on his mouth it must have magically converted to hair gel because he then ran his fingers through his hair as he looked in the mirror. The whole time I am almost still with my hands in the sink, not even washing them as I watch in disgust and amazement at what he just did.
He then takes the cake by rolling out some paper towel, blowing his nose in it and walks out of the restroom. Wow. That was grosstacular!
I wonder if I just sat there in the restroom all day if I would have enough material to write a book on what I have seen? Think anyone will notice if I am sitting there in a chair watching everything that they do and talking into a voice recorder about what I just saw them do?
How about if I sat in your bathroom? Oh God no... scratch that... I don't want to know what you do, or DON'T do!
Well T.G.I.F. and here is to hoping all of you enjoy your weekends. I know that I still have 3 and a half hours before I get to leave this place and go sit in my weekend traffic for 2 hours, but I am counting the minutes! Tomorrow we are going over to Smut Queen's for the little ones birthday party. This should be a great time to talk shit, drink beer and plot against the rest of the world as The SC looks for domination. OK, I went a bit far. No shit talking.
The rest of the weekend I think I will be thumbing my bumpkin and watching some sort of sports or cooking related crap on TV. Maybe do a little menu planning in case I get the call to cook out on the Delta on the weekends. Got to come up with some twisted Southern food that I would feel good about putting my name on. Maybe thumb my bumpkin again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to pass time at this place? Damn is has been 3 minutes since the last time I checked the clock and I swear that during that time Ice Shaker has been on the phone talking in Spanish to 7 different people for 3 hours. Clicking his fucking pen and tapping it on the desk like he is the only one in the fucking building. But I digress.
Influenza is still out and Anyway is as well. I am telling you these two are shacking up and creating a super virus with their germs! They are going to come back and hack up lungs all next week and I will be in ICU because of them. If they have bird flu can I counteract that with cat vaccine? Maybe I should eat more p... lums.
I know if you drink a lot they tell you to spray your furniture with Scotchgard. I don't know why, I like to drink vodka.
I have not heard from Ass Clown or any of those guys for a while. Must have pissed them off. Better to be pissed off then pissed on. OK, most times. Don't know why they could be mad, those pricks have been in a habit of taking my fucking money these days. Nice 3-5 asshole.!
Raffle ticket sales are moving at the speed of smell for the girls fundraiser next month. Along with BBQ tickets and Poker seats. So get yours now while this seemingly endless supply still lasts! (Don't you fuckers call me when you kid is trying to push man groomers or something stupid like that for their baseball team! At least you can get fat and make some money off of our shit. Told ya'll I was a cranky old cuss.)
On a positive note Hunny is doing very well with helping people get their loan modifications done. Some are being a bit more of a pain in the ass then others, but overall they are still going to get done and these people are going to save themselves good money in the long run. I just hate to see her stress out when these lenders are giving her and the client the royal run around trying to delay the inevitable. The real estate attorney that she is working with has them by the short and curly's and they know it. The smarter ones are just getting them done and taking the pain like a champ. The dumb ones are doing their Band Aid removal slow and trying to stir the pot. Never a good idea to piss off someone who is a squeeze away from changing your gender.
What? That was only 15 mins that I have killed since the last time check? Gawd damn!
Hmmm let's see..... hey the Spanish Inquisition, that was a real bitch huh?
So will tuna that they catch now be packed in oil regardless?
How many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Hey. This book to my left. It is currently in the top 75,000 on Amazon.com! Pretty damn good considering that they have millions of books! Click on it and get your copy now! You can say that you were in on the ground level of her smutty beginning! (The last person who only gave her 4 stars. You will be taken care of.)
So if everything that we try for the first time tastes like chicken because it is what we consume the most of, would people many moons ago in the Scottish backwoods say, "Tastes like gopher"?
If you tuck dollars in the g-string of a cute girl, can you throw quarters at the ugly ones? What? They can keep them.
I think Elin took his kids, and his swing. Now how much would he be willing to pay to get them both back? Hate to say it, but Jack... your records are now safe.
I think McDonald's should have put a marketing spin on the Shrek recall and called it, "Want your very own Ogre? Buy our toxic Shrek collectible glasses and watch your kids turn green!"
Did Gary Coleman get a discount because his casket is smaller than normal? Too soon for that joke?
Is it 5 yet? Nope....
Ever notice how every sport a man plays requires him to play with balls or a stick?
Fire & Ice condoms... what will they think of next? Well I guess if they have tea that I hear supposed to make you taste like maple or something, anything is really possible.
California bans plastic bags. Does that include douche bags? If so they need to come up with a Summers Eve Oder Eater like they have for shoes. But like the plastic covers on TV dinners, remove before you eat.
Need to feel better about yourself? People watch at Walmart.
Can you hear me now? I really don't give a shit.
Your body is a temple. Mine must be the Temple of Doom.
Why would anyone eat head cheese? Even the title has bad written all over it. Who in the hell headed up that marketing campaign? Mr. Peabody?
I bet that third guy who started Apple and sold his shares of the company back after a month for $800 is kicking himself in the ass each night at the $1.99 all you can eat buffet in Bumbfuck Nevada playing penny slots!
Fart eating blankets? Really? No joke. Search Google. No Hunny we can not have one so you don't have to get out of bed.
If giving birth is as bad as they say then why is it that 24 eggs are cheaper than a gallon of milk?
Looks like I will be driving home via Northern India tonight to get around the traffic accidents on 580. Thank you for thinking of others when on the roadways.
Stock tumble on bad jobs reports. No shit?
Toner Boy
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Guess I am just a bitter ass old man....
Do not ask me to explain it or why. Most of you already knew I am sure. Maybe I am just coming to grips with it, but I am just one bitter ass old man. Am I mad at the world? Myself? I have no clue, but I can tell you one thing for sure I am sick of it! Sure the world has turned its back on me, but after all who in the hell am I in the grand scheme of things? Getting nothing more than I deserve most of you would say I am sure.
It is time to be loved or hated, because the worst thing a person can be is forgotten.
So before I go all Ron White of the blog world and get all truthful on your ass, here is an update on my weekend for those of you who some how find my life remotely interesting for some reason. I know I sure in the hell don't!
On Friday we took Little Miss out for an early birthday. We went with Pops and Turbo to lunch and the movies to see Shrek 3D. Nice fun day with the family and a great day to be off of work as I heard horror stories from Monkey and Uncle Shartly about the drive over the hill. (Even though they are both already there!) Hung out at my mom's for a bit and went home to get some sleep for what should be a long tiring weekend.
Saturday was our anniversary and we got up early to go to Big Willy Style's graduation and party. Game Time manned the grill as I stayed inside to assist with the food line while the ladies talked. The MIL was coming out for Little Miss's birthday the next day, so Hunny went home to meet them at the house while I stayed for a while longer to help. McLovin and Albert hung out with me there for a while before everyone took off to do their own thing that afternoon. Hunny came and picked me back up and the family went out for a quick bite to eat for dinner. Nothing over exerting here. Early to bed, early to rise.
After a good night of sleep Sunday was Little Miss's birthday so I got up and made everyone a big breakfast and After 6 came over to watch the race for a little bit with me and McLovin. That afternoon we went over to Turbo's for her little party and had some snacks and cake. The adults talked while the kids were in the backyard playing for most of the day. Went home and put up her new flat screen TV that Turbo got her for her birthday and she crashed out in front of it soon after. An hour or so of TV and I went upstairs and did the same in my room.
Monday was a day of twists and turns as we went out to the water to bring the girls out to hang with Turbo. I talked with a person who owns the restaurant there on the water and she is interested in having me come out and cook for them when they open the place. Southern style and BBQ food is what they want to do, and that is something that I enjoy doing. So maybe in the near future you might find me getting my cook on out there on the weekends. For me it will be nice to make a few extra bucks and get some kitchen experience. Ran out to Manteca to hunt down some Trop-A-Rocka Snapple with Hunny that she wanted and then went to get a bite to eat. Grabbed the girls from the water and went over to The Fuzz's house for some dinner and a beer while the girls went swimming for a bit. He made a killer smoked pork shoulder the other day and shared some of the leftovers. Killer job! Best thing I ate all weekend.
Once again the weekend was over before I knew it. I did not even have a chance to buy my hand a drink, or relax. Like I said last time... maybe next year.
It was nice to hear that many of you out there now pay homage to the man nipple. Things like that need to be brought to the masses attention I believe.
So now it is Tuesday, I am surprisingly well rested, and I am just tickled down to my toes to be here with the Garbage Pale Kids once again.
Which one do I look at? has just been a thrill ride of joy today because after 3 days off she has had a brain lock on her passwords and apparently it is my fault that she can't remember them.
Anyway is out sick. Maybe he was sucking face with Influenza over the weekend or something? The is gross to even say, let alone think.
Penis and Mr. Obvious are just talking to hear themselves talk at this point telling me things that even Foo would get the first time around like they are breaking national secrets to me. Guys, please... you are just too dumb for words.
Dummy called. Duh.
Wigglesworth and Searching for Quarters were talking and I overheard Searching for Quarters needs to redo whatever it is he had been working on for the last few months because it was wrong. Well at least he will be busy now through the end of the year. Good for him. If I do something wrong it gives me something to do for the next 15 minutes. Hence reason "C" for the blog.
Cracker has to have "openers finger" over there! If he tapped the top like Hunny before opening a can his nail bed would have to be sore.
Someone in the admin department just called because her toner ran out and I went over to replace it for her. I walk in and she must have had eye surgery over the weekend or something because she is wearing a patch over her eye. The whole time I am in there all I wanted to do was go, "Aaarrrggghhh Matey, your toner is replaced. Aaaaarrrrr... now give me some booty!"
The Looker in his fine Grape Ape pants and Orange Crush tie are looking so fly today as he is talking to Ice Shaker and making no sense... "Ya dig?" He comes over and is getting all in Ice Shakers face about some files that were not completed and Ice Shaker tells him that he placed the files in the IN basket on his desk yesterday with questions for him to look at. His reply, "Oh. (Long ass pause.) Well I don't have time for that nonsense right now. Ahhhhh... just get them finished and bring them over to me." He walks away and Ice Shaker gives it the total Toner Boy... he growls, says, "WTF?" and laughs to to himself. Guess I am not the only one who thinks people here belong in a special needs class!
One of the unnamed people here in the office is going to think twice before he opens his mouth without thinking it through first after today. He needed some help so I go down to his cube to see what the problem is. After seeing that it was something rather trivial and pointing it out to him he got an attitude with me. Then again I am sure I brought it on myself with a deep breath and a sigh when I saw what the problem was! With his University of Michigan garb all over his cube he says, "So where did you go to school?" I tell him that I went to Heald trade school back in the early 90's. With a smug look on his face he tells me, "Well. Way to put that education to work." as I get ready to walk away. Bad idea on his part. I turn to him and say, "And you went to Michigan I take it?" "Yep.", he says. "Well finance was obviously not your primary focus.", I tell him. He says, "No it wasn't. Why would you say that?" I tell him, "Well for what cost me about $14K got me a job right after leaving school making almost $30 an hour. In less than 8 years I was making over $100K a year. You spent, what? $80 to $100K going to school there? And I am going to guess that you have been working here with the county ever since you got out of school and you have never made more than $65K a year as an appraiser? Way to put that education to work." I am so good at making friends. There was a whole conversation about me not making that now and so on and so forth that followed but I am not going to cover all of that again. We all know the road that got me here and I gave that thumbprint to him and told him he should know to whom he is speaking before being smug about where they came from. I can not believe that I am looked down upon by a county employee. My dear gawd! Can I get any lower? Yeah... Toner Boy. Excuse me while I go replace a cartridge for Creeper.
For those of you that read my last post you know that 3 hours of my Thursday were shot to shit when the blogger went all sideways. Well let me see if I can bring some of that crap back to a head for you to enjoy. After all what would this day be if I did not rub someone the wrong way? Not you Hunny. I know... only rub how you tell me, when you tell me. No freelance rubbing! After all "obey" was in my vows. Funny how that worked out in your favor when that used to be the other way around.
Damn these last 4 minutes have taken an hour!
Once again let me be clear.... this stuff is either things I have heard over the years, or seen. Nothing is about any one person I know nor SPECIFIC in ANY way. This is nothing recent that I am hashing up, but just a lot of years of the same stories I hear or articles I read. If you think it is reflective of you, or something you do, you can either look in the mirror and change it, if you like, or go on doing what you do. It is not for me to tell you what is right or wrong for you or your lives, nor am I judging you. I am just pointing this crap out. To each their own, right? That does not mean that I am not going to give you my thoughts on the matter! After all... it is my blog, and you are the one choosing to read it. Not your cup of tea, turn the channel.
I am pretty sure I got cut off when I was talking about that kid running his mom's life our at the snack shack. Bottom line to the story was the kid kept on touching everything and the mom pussy footed around having the kid stop and listen. His nose was running all over and then he wipes it off in his hand and then grabs an apple out of the basket! First thing I will state is I will never buy anything that is not packaged at places like this in the first place for reasons just like that. You never know who has touched what you are about to eat and then have put it back down. Second the lady that runs the stand had to basically throw away everything that the kid touched. All because she could not, or chose not to maintain her kid. Nothing pisses me off more than to watch these parents out there who let their kids run their lives. They are kids, you are supposed to run theirs! Some of these parents now see the freedom they give their kids as a good thing and that their kids are going to grow up to love them even more. Hey as long as you don't mind loving people through metal bars or during supervised visits, then more power to you. Be a parent, not a friend. They will respect you, and others (As they should.) for doing it. People have always bitched at me for how hard I was on my kids when they were little. Last time I checked you don't see me having to say much of anything to my kids these days. I wonder why that is? And if I do have to say anything it is over, without question, in about 2 seconds. Not that I even need to raise my voice or a hand to them to make them understand what it is that they are doing wrong. Kids respond to two things. Loud noises, and pain. Make them aware of these things at an early age and they will choose to not experience either one of them ever again. Those of you parents shaking your head "NO" at me right now... The Summer X Games are on soon, and pull up your fucking pants.
From the are you fucking kidding me department. http://www.insidebayarea.com/trivalleyherald/localnews/ci_15210994?source=rss
He is quite the looker though!
Yeah... don't teach your kids to respect other people, their property or their space.
http://www.insidebayarea.com/trivalleyherald/localnews/ci_15219414?source=rss
It only gets worse from here. Wanna bet?
I read a comedians quote regarding Facebook the other day and I thought that it was the best thing I have seen in years. I forgot who it was, but I grabbed the quote and saved it to my desktop here at work, and it goes, "Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?" Now I think it is funny as hell that I am posting this in my blog and soon will be placing this on my Facebook fan page, but I love the point behind it. With this quote last week I went through and cleaned house on who my friends are on Facebook. Nothing personal to any of you that I removed as a friend, I know this is like the ultimate sin, but we hardly talked then and we never talk now. I do not need 500 friends on Facebook to feel better about myself. I have this blog I can rip people down on all the time to feel better about myself. I do not care about your high score on Jewel Blitz or what you ate for dinner last night. Over 100 of you got the axe, and I am sure there are more to come. I wanted to be on Facebook to keep touch with people I talk to... not find people I stopped talking to 100 years ago. My guess is we stopped talking for a reason.
Which brings me to my own thoughts on the virtual world crap. I guess that I have just been around it so long that I am burnt out. (For those of you saying I am on mine all of the time.... 8-5 M-F. Wonder why that is? After that, you will only find a post by me once in a blue moon. So get off me.) Not to mention the fact that in between my blogging and comments here and there on Facebook during the day I read news feeds to help pass the time. Article, after article talks about how things such as Facebook have torn apart marriages and relationships. Really? Are people really willing to let a virtual "bar" full of people they have either never met or not talked to over the past 400 years come in between them and the person they have built a real relationship, or their family with? And for what? False statements and pipe dreams? Brad Paisley said it right, "So much cooler online." I have known people that have struggled with this personally as well, and it really is sad to think that people dive in feet first to dots on a screen and turn away the real world that is sitting right in front of them. Never forget... it is real easy to paint a pretty picture to someone who does not know your realities. Stop thinking that the grass is greener people and tend to your own lawn. Water your computer and see what happens. Just like what will happen when the virtual world meets reality.... shit blows up. If you want something virtual... keep dating your hand! I have found after 2 drinks mine is pretty much a push over.
Have I mentioned this?
Like I mentioned last time out ladies guys talk. Yes it is a shock, we do. We don't get down to your level of dirty details, but we do. Most of you could spot your friends man's penis in a line up from 40 feet with the amount of detail you have been given over the years! More along the lines of trying to figure you guys out 9 out of 10 times. Well here are some quick insights and tips for all of you. (Yeah this is where I get all deep on your ass!)
Ladies, guys do not change. I know you are floored. But this is not those stupid things like where he leaves his towel each morning. I mean we are who we are. If you married a lazy slob with no ambition, I bet if you look over on the couch right now you will see him there with a glazed over look on his face playing Call to Arms or something on his PS3. That is your own damn fault. But what I am getting at is the biggest bitch I have heard by most guys I have ever met.
You ladies are the ones who have changed. *GASP* I am going to guess when you met your man you put on some charm, kicked it into flirt overdrive and sexed him up every time you were left alone in a room for more than 5 minutes. Yeah well.... little secret. He has not forgotten that!
Yeah, yeah, yeah life changes.... we get that as men. Raising your kids is now top on your list, but to just take your pussy and hold it hostage is probably the main source of over half of your mans attitude problems! No one is asking you to fuck like minx when you were younger and had no responsibilities in life, but my lord! I have talked to guys who say they are lucky to get it once a month. Really? So your OBGYN gets to go down on you more than your man does? Sad. Give it up to him 4 or 5 times a month and I bet he walks around and acts more like the day you met him. Consider this a science experiment. Try it and see what happens. If I am wrong.... put your shit back under lock and key and bring it out for the token birthday, anniversary and holiday season. He deserves what he is getting, and maybe not even that.
Hate to tell ya'll who think differently... but sex is part of a relationship! And since when has it become something that needs to be avoided? You sure as hell did not avoid it when you were dating, so why it is the choice after you get married?
You ladies are sitting there thinking that us men are just dogs, and you are right! Men are dogs. We are loyal as hell and we need attention. But if you don't want to pet us anymore we tend to wander until we find someone who will give us attention. No it does not have to be sexual attention, just attention, so put your claws away! We want YOUR attention or we would not have married you. Why else limit ourselves to one source of attention when you out number us 2 to 1? Not being a dick... just being honest. If there was not a need out there God would not have created hookers when worse comes to worse to give men attention. Was all the sex and flirting so painful and terrible before the wedding day? If you want to think of us as dogs and your pussy as a golden treat, then do what owners does with their dogs. Give them a treat when they are doing what they should! You know... working hard, keeping a roof over your head, having a bad day and needing someone to make them feel better, etc. A little appreciation and attention goes a very long way when you know you have been moved out from your spouses top priority to raise a family.
I have heard this same story time, and time again. You wonder why sex sells and guys are buying? Because ladies get the ring they want, the kids they want, and then give their real attention to the pool boy. WTF is that???? If you gave your man 25% of the attention you gave to get him porn sales would reduce 10 fold. Just sayin. And when was the rule put in place after you say "I do." flirting or foreplay is no longer needed? Really... those of you who fall under these statements are missing the fun of relationships and life.
For all of my male friends who are jumping up and down because you feel that I am the one who said this for them, I didn't. And.... ahh it is a two way street boys!!!
Get up off your ass and do something for your lady instead of yourself once in a while. She could give two craps less that you mowed a lawn that you were supposed to mow anyway! Try cleaning around the house without having to be asked to help. Try making her dinner and having the kids cleaned up and in bed while she takes a night off from those duties. Give her a massage and not expect a piece of ass in return!
I mean boys, each time you do something good for your woman it does not mean that she has to roll over and lay spread eagle for your ass! Or all of the sudden start making porn scenes with you on a dirt road or letting you go where no (OK, few) men have gone before on a daily basis. Don't think only with your dick! Make sure what you are doing with your woman is something that SHE actually enjoys! (Ladies if your man is always doing something with or to you that you hate SPEAK UP! Men are dumb when it comes to a woman's body and what constitutes pleasure to you! If you don't tell him, he will just keep doing it. We are simple... shake that little guy until it throws up!) And guys don't be all ass sore when she tells you that you are doing something that she does not like, or to do something a different way! She is not trying to make you do what Juan the pool boy does to her when he is there while you are at work, so don't feel like you are filling someone elses shoes when she says something. You may find that she is enjoying herself more, and be more open because of the way it feels for her and your new level of communication turns her on.
Now just because she starts giving it up to you because she wants to try my test and sees that she really does enjoy it, don't think that she is obligated to be your 24/7 love slave! I think that you should feel that she is more open to your advances, but walking up to he and putting your junk in her face while she is sitting on the couch is not considered foreplay! Fucking Neanderthals.
If you are sitting here saying none of this reflects on me, then good for you! You have a healthy, normal relationship and you should feel real good about it! My ears tell me that there a a lot of people who don't, and for not a lot of good reason. We got in long term relationships because we loved what we have with a certain person and we wanted to have that experience for the rest of our lives. If you think that your partner is the one who changed and not you, try just being who you used to be with them and see how they react. If they are not happy to walk down that road with you, you may be right and they are the ones who have changed. Communication is the key that lets the other person know you have changed and your likes and dislikes are now somehow different. Let them know that. You may be shocked that they are willing to help fill those new needs and that they are in it for you. You may find a new passion walking down that new road together that has gone missing. New relationships are always fun, so make your relationship new and fun all the time. After all if that is the person you love, why not????
"Toner Boy, I don't have the time or energy for this kind of crap anymore." Really? But there is time for bitching to the girls about his attitude when all he did was try to spend some time with you, or flirt with you only to get shot down time and time again with a, "God I don't feel good again today.", "I am just so tired tonight and it is only 6.", "Stop being stupid, I am not looking, 'overly sexy today' as you call it!", or the super icy "No not tonight. Another night. Just go to bed." Yeah I don't know why he is pissy. Go figure. Also funny how you have time to read your smut books (No offense Smut Queen!) and double click your mouse or bring out your pocket friend when no one is around. Talk about your lacking sex life online in a chat or forum to past friends or people just hoping to hear you say something like that so they can become their online alter ego. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a good 'hand jive' every once in a while, but like good candy... you should share!
"All he does is go to titty bars!" Look if you are doing all of these things that I say men bitch about and he still spends his free time and both of your money slipping it in some girls g-string... yeah.... he is a dog. Sorry fellas! But fair is fair. Can't bash on them and then turn and give you a free pass! But if you are on lockdown as suggested many of you are... well. Yeah that shoe fits on the other foot just as easy. After all he is only out there looking at what he does not get to see at home very often or at all. Remember that attention thing I was talking about before? Yeah... well they have legal versions of that dial-a-date going on too. Sure every once and again he is going to hit these kinds of places with the boys so don't hold that against him, but you guys better be prepared to do a little extra "Free" work around the house that weekend!
"But Toner Boy he never tries to come and 'get some' anymore so why should I bother with him just because he wants it?" You slam a door in a persons face enough times, they are afraid to try and open it again after a while. Show him that the door can be opened with the right key. Not a broken down fence at the playground he can run through whenever he wants, (Don't get me wrong.... if you want to have a free for all policy with your man, go for it!) and he will appreciate the challenge. Instead of the sympathy or obligation sex he feels like he is getting now 12 to 15 times a year. Gee... that is always so uplifting. "Damn! Only 4 pills left in the pack. It is that time already? *Sigh* Come here honey I guess I have 10 mins to kill before Leno comes on."
"Yeah well I was going to try what you said over the weekend but I ended up having to much to drink that night. It was his birthday and we went out with our friends to the bar and tied one on, so maybe next weekend or something." Ouch! Double whammy! You not only passed him up completely on his birthday, (You had the midnight prior to wake him and spoil him if he was sleeping, you had an early morning before the kids got up or you could have just given him something sloppy drunk that you both would have just passed out in the middle of and laughed about for years to come!) you need another weekend to give him 30 mins of your time and attention? First of all you need an event to spend time with your spouse? Really? Then get a sperm donor or a roommate, not married.
"I see those people all touchy-feely when I go out and it bugs the crap out of me. I am the one who usually tells them to get a room!" Yeah.... happy people bug the crap out of me to. Sick bastards. No one is advocating to mount your partner in the middle of the store while shopping for produce but two people playing, having fun, or sharing a kiss is nothing to have a checker yell out "Code 3!" over the loudspeaker because you are grossed out. If you have a problem with it... probably because you wish it were you getting that attention. Follow my easy steps and it very well might be.
Marriage should be an adventure, not a chore. Cheers.
This was not what I lost when I got the shaft the other day on here, but it is the same point. I am sure my Followers will decrease by 8 and not one GUY will make a comment other than, "I feel sorry for whoever you are talking about." so they keep their own ass out of hot water at home! For those of you who are pissed because you are convinced that I am talking about you.... I am not. Sorry you feel that way. Like I said, better to be hated or loved than forgotten. I can bet not one of you will forget this post... for better or worse! You hear enough shit in life over and over, you just feel the need to speak up. I am sure everyone was already more than aware of these issues... my question is why do they even need to be brought up? Live, laugh, love.
Toner Boy
It is time to be loved or hated, because the worst thing a person can be is forgotten.
So before I go all Ron White of the blog world and get all truthful on your ass, here is an update on my weekend for those of you who some how find my life remotely interesting for some reason. I know I sure in the hell don't!
On Friday we took Little Miss out for an early birthday. We went with Pops and Turbo to lunch and the movies to see Shrek 3D. Nice fun day with the family and a great day to be off of work as I heard horror stories from Monkey and Uncle Shartly about the drive over the hill. (Even though they are both already there!) Hung out at my mom's for a bit and went home to get some sleep for what should be a long tiring weekend.
Saturday was our anniversary and we got up early to go to Big Willy Style's graduation and party. Game Time manned the grill as I stayed inside to assist with the food line while the ladies talked. The MIL was coming out for Little Miss's birthday the next day, so Hunny went home to meet them at the house while I stayed for a while longer to help. McLovin and Albert hung out with me there for a while before everyone took off to do their own thing that afternoon. Hunny came and picked me back up and the family went out for a quick bite to eat for dinner. Nothing over exerting here. Early to bed, early to rise.
After a good night of sleep Sunday was Little Miss's birthday so I got up and made everyone a big breakfast and After 6 came over to watch the race for a little bit with me and McLovin. That afternoon we went over to Turbo's for her little party and had some snacks and cake. The adults talked while the kids were in the backyard playing for most of the day. Went home and put up her new flat screen TV that Turbo got her for her birthday and she crashed out in front of it soon after. An hour or so of TV and I went upstairs and did the same in my room.
Monday was a day of twists and turns as we went out to the water to bring the girls out to hang with Turbo. I talked with a person who owns the restaurant there on the water and she is interested in having me come out and cook for them when they open the place. Southern style and BBQ food is what they want to do, and that is something that I enjoy doing. So maybe in the near future you might find me getting my cook on out there on the weekends. For me it will be nice to make a few extra bucks and get some kitchen experience. Ran out to Manteca to hunt down some Trop-A-Rocka Snapple with Hunny that she wanted and then went to get a bite to eat. Grabbed the girls from the water and went over to The Fuzz's house for some dinner and a beer while the girls went swimming for a bit. He made a killer smoked pork shoulder the other day and shared some of the leftovers. Killer job! Best thing I ate all weekend.
Once again the weekend was over before I knew it. I did not even have a chance to buy my hand a drink, or relax. Like I said last time... maybe next year.
It was nice to hear that many of you out there now pay homage to the man nipple. Things like that need to be brought to the masses attention I believe.
So now it is Tuesday, I am surprisingly well rested, and I am just tickled down to my toes to be here with the Garbage Pale Kids once again.
Which one do I look at? has just been a thrill ride of joy today because after 3 days off she has had a brain lock on her passwords and apparently it is my fault that she can't remember them.
Anyway is out sick. Maybe he was sucking face with Influenza over the weekend or something? The is gross to even say, let alone think.
Penis and Mr. Obvious are just talking to hear themselves talk at this point telling me things that even Foo would get the first time around like they are breaking national secrets to me. Guys, please... you are just too dumb for words.
Dummy called. Duh.
Wigglesworth and Searching for Quarters were talking and I overheard Searching for Quarters needs to redo whatever it is he had been working on for the last few months because it was wrong. Well at least he will be busy now through the end of the year. Good for him. If I do something wrong it gives me something to do for the next 15 minutes. Hence reason "C" for the blog.
Cracker has to have "openers finger" over there! If he tapped the top like Hunny before opening a can his nail bed would have to be sore.
Someone in the admin department just called because her toner ran out and I went over to replace it for her. I walk in and she must have had eye surgery over the weekend or something because she is wearing a patch over her eye. The whole time I am in there all I wanted to do was go, "Aaarrrggghhh Matey, your toner is replaced. Aaaaarrrrr... now give me some booty!"
The Looker in his fine Grape Ape pants and Orange Crush tie are looking so fly today as he is talking to Ice Shaker and making no sense... "Ya dig?" He comes over and is getting all in Ice Shakers face about some files that were not completed and Ice Shaker tells him that he placed the files in the IN basket on his desk yesterday with questions for him to look at. His reply, "Oh. (Long ass pause.) Well I don't have time for that nonsense right now. Ahhhhh... just get them finished and bring them over to me." He walks away and Ice Shaker gives it the total Toner Boy... he growls, says, "WTF?" and laughs to to himself. Guess I am not the only one who thinks people here belong in a special needs class!
One of the unnamed people here in the office is going to think twice before he opens his mouth without thinking it through first after today. He needed some help so I go down to his cube to see what the problem is. After seeing that it was something rather trivial and pointing it out to him he got an attitude with me. Then again I am sure I brought it on myself with a deep breath and a sigh when I saw what the problem was! With his University of Michigan garb all over his cube he says, "So where did you go to school?" I tell him that I went to Heald trade school back in the early 90's. With a smug look on his face he tells me, "Well. Way to put that education to work." as I get ready to walk away. Bad idea on his part. I turn to him and say, "And you went to Michigan I take it?" "Yep.", he says. "Well finance was obviously not your primary focus.", I tell him. He says, "No it wasn't. Why would you say that?" I tell him, "Well for what cost me about $14K got me a job right after leaving school making almost $30 an hour. In less than 8 years I was making over $100K a year. You spent, what? $80 to $100K going to school there? And I am going to guess that you have been working here with the county ever since you got out of school and you have never made more than $65K a year as an appraiser? Way to put that education to work." I am so good at making friends. There was a whole conversation about me not making that now and so on and so forth that followed but I am not going to cover all of that again. We all know the road that got me here and I gave that thumbprint to him and told him he should know to whom he is speaking before being smug about where they came from. I can not believe that I am looked down upon by a county employee. My dear gawd! Can I get any lower? Yeah... Toner Boy. Excuse me while I go replace a cartridge for Creeper.
For those of you that read my last post you know that 3 hours of my Thursday were shot to shit when the blogger went all sideways. Well let me see if I can bring some of that crap back to a head for you to enjoy. After all what would this day be if I did not rub someone the wrong way? Not you Hunny. I know... only rub how you tell me, when you tell me. No freelance rubbing! After all "obey" was in my vows. Funny how that worked out in your favor when that used to be the other way around.
Damn these last 4 minutes have taken an hour!
Once again let me be clear.... this stuff is either things I have heard over the years, or seen. Nothing is about any one person I know nor SPECIFIC in ANY way. This is nothing recent that I am hashing up, but just a lot of years of the same stories I hear or articles I read. If you think it is reflective of you, or something you do, you can either look in the mirror and change it, if you like, or go on doing what you do. It is not for me to tell you what is right or wrong for you or your lives, nor am I judging you. I am just pointing this crap out. To each their own, right? That does not mean that I am not going to give you my thoughts on the matter! After all... it is my blog, and you are the one choosing to read it. Not your cup of tea, turn the channel.
I am pretty sure I got cut off when I was talking about that kid running his mom's life our at the snack shack. Bottom line to the story was the kid kept on touching everything and the mom pussy footed around having the kid stop and listen. His nose was running all over and then he wipes it off in his hand and then grabs an apple out of the basket! First thing I will state is I will never buy anything that is not packaged at places like this in the first place for reasons just like that. You never know who has touched what you are about to eat and then have put it back down. Second the lady that runs the stand had to basically throw away everything that the kid touched. All because she could not, or chose not to maintain her kid. Nothing pisses me off more than to watch these parents out there who let their kids run their lives. They are kids, you are supposed to run theirs! Some of these parents now see the freedom they give their kids as a good thing and that their kids are going to grow up to love them even more. Hey as long as you don't mind loving people through metal bars or during supervised visits, then more power to you. Be a parent, not a friend. They will respect you, and others (As they should.) for doing it. People have always bitched at me for how hard I was on my kids when they were little. Last time I checked you don't see me having to say much of anything to my kids these days. I wonder why that is? And if I do have to say anything it is over, without question, in about 2 seconds. Not that I even need to raise my voice or a hand to them to make them understand what it is that they are doing wrong. Kids respond to two things. Loud noises, and pain. Make them aware of these things at an early age and they will choose to not experience either one of them ever again. Those of you parents shaking your head "NO" at me right now... The Summer X Games are on soon, and pull up your fucking pants.
From the are you fucking kidding me department. http://www.insidebayarea.com/trivalleyherald/localnews/ci_15210994?source=rss
He is quite the looker though!
Yeah... don't teach your kids to respect other people, their property or their space.
http://www.insidebayarea.com/trivalleyherald/localnews/ci_15219414?source=rss
It only gets worse from here. Wanna bet?
I read a comedians quote regarding Facebook the other day and I thought that it was the best thing I have seen in years. I forgot who it was, but I grabbed the quote and saved it to my desktop here at work, and it goes, "Now every idiot from high school's like, 'I'm back!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?" Now I think it is funny as hell that I am posting this in my blog and soon will be placing this on my Facebook fan page, but I love the point behind it. With this quote last week I went through and cleaned house on who my friends are on Facebook. Nothing personal to any of you that I removed as a friend, I know this is like the ultimate sin, but we hardly talked then and we never talk now. I do not need 500 friends on Facebook to feel better about myself. I have this blog I can rip people down on all the time to feel better about myself. I do not care about your high score on Jewel Blitz or what you ate for dinner last night. Over 100 of you got the axe, and I am sure there are more to come. I wanted to be on Facebook to keep touch with people I talk to... not find people I stopped talking to 100 years ago. My guess is we stopped talking for a reason.
Which brings me to my own thoughts on the virtual world crap. I guess that I have just been around it so long that I am burnt out. (For those of you saying I am on mine all of the time.... 8-5 M-F. Wonder why that is? After that, you will only find a post by me once in a blue moon. So get off me.) Not to mention the fact that in between my blogging and comments here and there on Facebook during the day I read news feeds to help pass the time. Article, after article talks about how things such as Facebook have torn apart marriages and relationships. Really? Are people really willing to let a virtual "bar" full of people they have either never met or not talked to over the past 400 years come in between them and the person they have built a real relationship, or their family with? And for what? False statements and pipe dreams? Brad Paisley said it right, "So much cooler online." I have known people that have struggled with this personally as well, and it really is sad to think that people dive in feet first to dots on a screen and turn away the real world that is sitting right in front of them. Never forget... it is real easy to paint a pretty picture to someone who does not know your realities. Stop thinking that the grass is greener people and tend to your own lawn. Water your computer and see what happens. Just like what will happen when the virtual world meets reality.... shit blows up. If you want something virtual... keep dating your hand! I have found after 2 drinks mine is pretty much a push over.
Have I mentioned this?
Like I mentioned last time out ladies guys talk. Yes it is a shock, we do. We don't get down to your level of dirty details, but we do. Most of you could spot your friends man's penis in a line up from 40 feet with the amount of detail you have been given over the years! More along the lines of trying to figure you guys out 9 out of 10 times. Well here are some quick insights and tips for all of you. (Yeah this is where I get all deep on your ass!)
Ladies, guys do not change. I know you are floored. But this is not those stupid things like where he leaves his towel each morning. I mean we are who we are. If you married a lazy slob with no ambition, I bet if you look over on the couch right now you will see him there with a glazed over look on his face playing Call to Arms or something on his PS3. That is your own damn fault. But what I am getting at is the biggest bitch I have heard by most guys I have ever met.
You ladies are the ones who have changed. *GASP* I am going to guess when you met your man you put on some charm, kicked it into flirt overdrive and sexed him up every time you were left alone in a room for more than 5 minutes. Yeah well.... little secret. He has not forgotten that!
Yeah, yeah, yeah life changes.... we get that as men. Raising your kids is now top on your list, but to just take your pussy and hold it hostage is probably the main source of over half of your mans attitude problems! No one is asking you to fuck like minx when you were younger and had no responsibilities in life, but my lord! I have talked to guys who say they are lucky to get it once a month. Really? So your OBGYN gets to go down on you more than your man does? Sad. Give it up to him 4 or 5 times a month and I bet he walks around and acts more like the day you met him. Consider this a science experiment. Try it and see what happens. If I am wrong.... put your shit back under lock and key and bring it out for the token birthday, anniversary and holiday season. He deserves what he is getting, and maybe not even that.
Hate to tell ya'll who think differently... but sex is part of a relationship! And since when has it become something that needs to be avoided? You sure as hell did not avoid it when you were dating, so why it is the choice after you get married?
You ladies are sitting there thinking that us men are just dogs, and you are right! Men are dogs. We are loyal as hell and we need attention. But if you don't want to pet us anymore we tend to wander until we find someone who will give us attention. No it does not have to be sexual attention, just attention, so put your claws away! We want YOUR attention or we would not have married you. Why else limit ourselves to one source of attention when you out number us 2 to 1? Not being a dick... just being honest. If there was not a need out there God would not have created hookers when worse comes to worse to give men attention. Was all the sex and flirting so painful and terrible before the wedding day? If you want to think of us as dogs and your pussy as a golden treat, then do what owners does with their dogs. Give them a treat when they are doing what they should! You know... working hard, keeping a roof over your head, having a bad day and needing someone to make them feel better, etc. A little appreciation and attention goes a very long way when you know you have been moved out from your spouses top priority to raise a family.
I have heard this same story time, and time again. You wonder why sex sells and guys are buying? Because ladies get the ring they want, the kids they want, and then give their real attention to the pool boy. WTF is that???? If you gave your man 25% of the attention you gave to get him porn sales would reduce 10 fold. Just sayin. And when was the rule put in place after you say "I do." flirting or foreplay is no longer needed? Really... those of you who fall under these statements are missing the fun of relationships and life.
For all of my male friends who are jumping up and down because you feel that I am the one who said this for them, I didn't. And.... ahh it is a two way street boys!!!
Get up off your ass and do something for your lady instead of yourself once in a while. She could give two craps less that you mowed a lawn that you were supposed to mow anyway! Try cleaning around the house without having to be asked to help. Try making her dinner and having the kids cleaned up and in bed while she takes a night off from those duties. Give her a massage and not expect a piece of ass in return!
I mean boys, each time you do something good for your woman it does not mean that she has to roll over and lay spread eagle for your ass! Or all of the sudden start making porn scenes with you on a dirt road or letting you go where no (OK, few) men have gone before on a daily basis. Don't think only with your dick! Make sure what you are doing with your woman is something that SHE actually enjoys! (Ladies if your man is always doing something with or to you that you hate SPEAK UP! Men are dumb when it comes to a woman's body and what constitutes pleasure to you! If you don't tell him, he will just keep doing it. We are simple... shake that little guy until it throws up!) And guys don't be all ass sore when she tells you that you are doing something that she does not like, or to do something a different way! She is not trying to make you do what Juan the pool boy does to her when he is there while you are at work, so don't feel like you are filling someone elses shoes when she says something. You may find that she is enjoying herself more, and be more open because of the way it feels for her and your new level of communication turns her on.
Now just because she starts giving it up to you because she wants to try my test and sees that she really does enjoy it, don't think that she is obligated to be your 24/7 love slave! I think that you should feel that she is more open to your advances, but walking up to he and putting your junk in her face while she is sitting on the couch is not considered foreplay! Fucking Neanderthals.
If you are sitting here saying none of this reflects on me, then good for you! You have a healthy, normal relationship and you should feel real good about it! My ears tell me that there a a lot of people who don't, and for not a lot of good reason. We got in long term relationships because we loved what we have with a certain person and we wanted to have that experience for the rest of our lives. If you think that your partner is the one who changed and not you, try just being who you used to be with them and see how they react. If they are not happy to walk down that road with you, you may be right and they are the ones who have changed. Communication is the key that lets the other person know you have changed and your likes and dislikes are now somehow different. Let them know that. You may be shocked that they are willing to help fill those new needs and that they are in it for you. You may find a new passion walking down that new road together that has gone missing. New relationships are always fun, so make your relationship new and fun all the time. After all if that is the person you love, why not????
"Toner Boy, I don't have the time or energy for this kind of crap anymore." Really? But there is time for bitching to the girls about his attitude when all he did was try to spend some time with you, or flirt with you only to get shot down time and time again with a, "God I don't feel good again today.", "I am just so tired tonight and it is only 6.", "Stop being stupid, I am not looking, 'overly sexy today' as you call it!", or the super icy "No not tonight. Another night. Just go to bed." Yeah I don't know why he is pissy. Go figure. Also funny how you have time to read your smut books (No offense Smut Queen!) and double click your mouse or bring out your pocket friend when no one is around. Talk about your lacking sex life online in a chat or forum to past friends or people just hoping to hear you say something like that so they can become their online alter ego. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a good 'hand jive' every once in a while, but like good candy... you should share!
"All he does is go to titty bars!" Look if you are doing all of these things that I say men bitch about and he still spends his free time and both of your money slipping it in some girls g-string... yeah.... he is a dog. Sorry fellas! But fair is fair. Can't bash on them and then turn and give you a free pass! But if you are on lockdown as suggested many of you are... well. Yeah that shoe fits on the other foot just as easy. After all he is only out there looking at what he does not get to see at home very often or at all. Remember that attention thing I was talking about before? Yeah... well they have legal versions of that dial-a-date going on too. Sure every once and again he is going to hit these kinds of places with the boys so don't hold that against him, but you guys better be prepared to do a little extra "Free" work around the house that weekend!
"But Toner Boy he never tries to come and 'get some' anymore so why should I bother with him just because he wants it?" You slam a door in a persons face enough times, they are afraid to try and open it again after a while. Show him that the door can be opened with the right key. Not a broken down fence at the playground he can run through whenever he wants, (Don't get me wrong.... if you want to have a free for all policy with your man, go for it!) and he will appreciate the challenge. Instead of the sympathy or obligation sex he feels like he is getting now 12 to 15 times a year. Gee... that is always so uplifting. "Damn! Only 4 pills left in the pack. It is that time already? *Sigh* Come here honey I guess I have 10 mins to kill before Leno comes on."
"Yeah well I was going to try what you said over the weekend but I ended up having to much to drink that night. It was his birthday and we went out with our friends to the bar and tied one on, so maybe next weekend or something." Ouch! Double whammy! You not only passed him up completely on his birthday, (You had the midnight prior to wake him and spoil him if he was sleeping, you had an early morning before the kids got up or you could have just given him something sloppy drunk that you both would have just passed out in the middle of and laughed about for years to come!) you need another weekend to give him 30 mins of your time and attention? First of all you need an event to spend time with your spouse? Really? Then get a sperm donor or a roommate, not married.
"I see those people all touchy-feely when I go out and it bugs the crap out of me. I am the one who usually tells them to get a room!" Yeah.... happy people bug the crap out of me to. Sick bastards. No one is advocating to mount your partner in the middle of the store while shopping for produce but two people playing, having fun, or sharing a kiss is nothing to have a checker yell out "Code 3!" over the loudspeaker because you are grossed out. If you have a problem with it... probably because you wish it were you getting that attention. Follow my easy steps and it very well might be.
Marriage should be an adventure, not a chore. Cheers.
This was not what I lost when I got the shaft the other day on here, but it is the same point. I am sure my Followers will decrease by 8 and not one GUY will make a comment other than, "I feel sorry for whoever you are talking about." so they keep their own ass out of hot water at home! For those of you who are pissed because you are convinced that I am talking about you.... I am not. Sorry you feel that way. Like I said, better to be hated or loved than forgotten. I can bet not one of you will forget this post... for better or worse! You hear enough shit in life over and over, you just feel the need to speak up. I am sure everyone was already more than aware of these issues... my question is why do they even need to be brought up? Live, laugh, love.
Toner Boy
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