Lot's of B & B's in Oakland this morning. No not those...

This is about Birds & Boots!

I know I need to finish the vacation story, but this could not wait!

What is it about great stories coming out of trips in my car these days? I mean I have not had a decent car story to tell since those dating years! Know what I’m sayin... huh? Huh? Yeah baby!!!!

Sorry… had a little flashback and got excited there for a sec. Anywhoooo.

So what seemed to be just another thrilling ride into The National Center of the Mentally Ill, I am about a mile from my exit when the Lord shined down on me to brighten my day. What a guy! I am working my way over to the slow lane to exit the freeway and get a little chuckle at a girl driving a car with one of those ultra cool hanger antennas on it in the slow lane as I move in behind her. I just love those things! What if you were to make them and sell them at the store as a replacement? Would people rip out their perfectly fine working antennas for one of my designer farm animal coat hanger models? Makes you wonder if I am on to something there huh? OK, back to the story. So as I am mid giggle, a 4-Runner darts over from the fast lane and just cuts her off like she was not even there! I mean she is on the shoulder avoiding this dumbass who is talking to the guy in the passenger seat the entire time and did not even flinch when this happens.

As she works her way off the median, antenna flopping around, she goes into a full meltdown! I mean total Smut Queen on this one! I hit my brakes to back off a little and give them some room to play. She darts around him into the lane to his left to pull alongside him to discuss Plato’s theory of metaphysics that he was obviously living in and she was not really there. Her bad! She must have wanted to make sure that he could hear her clearly because between her mixture of sign language and the fact that she was just about out of the passenger window of her car having this poignant discussion showed me that it meant a lot to her. Almost in tears, laughing so hard, I pulled off the freeway reluctantly as they drove on. Utter shame because I wanted to hear his thoughts of Bill Bonner’s theory of stupidity as a defense. (Did you notice that this guy did not even get off the freeway at this off ramp?  WTF was the lane change about?  Bet she knows!)

How could it get better, right? It does! Turning onto Lakeshore I notice that there have must have been a huge boot sale in Oakland last night and a LOT of people took advantage of it. But you know that thing about sales where there is not a lot of selection so you end up wearing the same thing as the neighbor and once you walk out the door in the morning and see her it is kind of embarrassing? Well let me tell you… there were a LOT of embarrassed folks out at the lake this morning when they opened their doors. There was one more so than the others (even though he must have some visual impairments!) but let’s save him until the end. The boots were all the same, yellow unisex, (Who would need rain boots on such a pretty day, right?) but not rain boots. These are not boots that we would wear ourselves, but make one hell of an accessory for your car! That is right… the Po-Po was out last night doing a lock down on all the scofflaw’s cars they could find. It looked like a car jewelry convention around the lake… fricken hysterical!

Until I see dummy. No not the Dummy in the cast, but just this dumb SOB that must not have had his morning cup of Joe and walked out to his car. As I am going around the lake towards the Funny Farm I see a guy standing by his car with his cell phone in his hand looking a little befuddled. This guy must have been on his phone or off in la-la land when he jumped into his car without noticing this giant yellow clamp attached to his driver’s side rear wheel. This fool must have just got in and started his car and attempted to drive in a hurry to the office on a Friday thinking how great the weekend is going to be once the work day is over. Think again sparky! As he gassed it he must have heard the sound of crumpling metal as the boot swung around, through the plastic bumper of his car, and then imbedded itself into the rear fender next to the gas cap! Son of a BITH! (Yes, I know that it is spelled wrong SC, it was for your benefit, so just save your text messages!) Dude… so NOT going to be a good weekend for him!

As I am laughing and looking at this dip shit in astonishment for his ignorance, over his shoulder I cannot help but notice (The Lake is like a outdoor gym for those who dare to live around here. People are doing yoga, walking, exercising and running around the lake to get in shape during daylight hours all of the time. At night they are just flat ass running for their lives in a completely different activity!) this guy just totally biff it! I mean this guy is going ass over tea kettle, and he just went down like four flat tires on a Buick! I totally lose it! I am laughing and crying at the same time as I try not to piss my pants! There is nothing funnier than watching a human suffering skinned knees and elbows for not watching where he is going while out running at 7 am let me tell you! Dude… stay at home, get some extra sleep and get fat like the rest of us. I think this morning he would agree... it is much less painful.

Still not hold back the tears or laughter as I continue to drive around the lake, I come up to the courthouse intersection. Work is like 50 feet away. The fun has to be over, right? Think again! Still laughing I look over to my right and in the intersection there is a homeless, derelict, crack head, POS with his (?) face all sunk in and looking like one of the witches you see at Halloween made from someone’s old pair of nylons! He (At least I think.) looks over at me wearing a skirt (?) that looks like that it was made from an old set of Motel 6 curtains! I bust out in a full on night at Tommy T’s laugh, and point at him saying (In my best Jackie Gleason voice.) “Sum-Bitch!” as tears roll down my face! I know, I know…. going to hell. But my dear gawd at that point in time, with all of the crap that I have just seen in the last 5 minutes just put me over the top and I just lost it! You would have thought that I was Inez! (For those of you who know her you can totally picture this right now!)

Besides the initial thoughts of the fun you have in cars, and I want to once again thank those of you who made those thoughts possible for me, this was hands down one of the BEST times I have ever had behind the wheel…. alone!!!! What??? I am a guy and all.

Toner Boy