Hello? Hello? You people are killing me! Where are (Taking a line from a person who can REALLY write, Smut Queen. (http://sanchezzoo.blogspot.com/) all my peeps at?
Come on folks... Toner Boy deserves a cult following here. Unless ya'll think that this is a bunch of crap, then I want to see more Followers on my page! I see a lot of people comment on here and Facebook that are not Followers on this blog, that need to be! We need to get the word out about Toner Boy and his shit filled adventures!!!
Here are the rules... if you read this... then follow it! Click that little button on the side and become a Follower. I want your feedback and comments. If bad actors and reality stars (AHAHAHAH stars.... yeah OK!) can get Followers by the thousands to read about them going to the store, or taking a crap, be more interesting to read then this? If that is the case I will pull the plug on this thing and go back to living in my own little world.
You guys are going to make this a real hard sell as a movie when I present it to someone and say, "I would like you to take a look at this blog. I think it would make a great movie about the affects of the economy on the average American family. How many followers does it have? Ahhh... well right now we are at 14 strong and 2 of them are the same person. But I bet all of them would show up to the premier! I bet that would snowball ticket sales into the low hundreds! No? OK... at least 50. Most of them have kids and I will tell them they have to bring them. How about that?"
"My Hell for their little slice of Heaven." Christopher Walken as Hatcher ~ Rundown. I suffer so you can laugh people. So show me some love! Hell I need to pimp Smut Queen's soon to be released books to all you ladies out there, so what better place than the big screen??? If not... how about this little screen sitting on your desk!?!?! Come on... let's face it... unlike me... the bitch can write! I am a bad mix of drunken Ebonics. While my shit will make you laugh, ladies... her shit will make you rub one out! OK maybe, maybe not... but guys if you are into a little roll play you may at least get lucky when your woman is done reading one of her books! You dress like a vampire or zombie for her, and then you may get her to dress like a slutty Snow White for you! Know what I'm sayin??? Huh, huh?? Yeah baaaaby!!! Who is your dwarf miner daddy??? OK... went a bit too far there.
You get my point. There is a lot of damn good talent out there who is worth your time who do not have their names on IMDB. Support them. So like other famous people we can forget who you are when we make something of ourselves. (Damn it... inner voice!) My bad.
So start following Toner Boy, or I am Audi 5000!!!!
Toner Boy
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
One third of the way over? Can it be?
That is right boys and girls after tomorrow this godforsaken year is 1/3 of the way complete! Wow! Now if this were a race, or if I were a kid in school this would be good news. The problem here is that there is no finish line, summer break that is getting closer, or great company paid holiday party that I can look forward to at the end. Here it just means that 4 more months of my life have wasted away here at this rubber dog shit factory. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy!
I hate being such the bitter bitch, but there is only so much of this special ed convention that I can take. I mean I hear myself and I want to ask, "Do you want some cheese to go with all of your whine you bitch?" Really there is no warden here that is going to let me out for time served? Haven't I suffered enough to this point? Hell I lost everything that I had, including my pride, do I have to lose my sanity along with it? Trying to save my sanity is why the 4 of you, who actually follow my mad ramblings in the first place, even have anything to read because I needed a place to vent before I popped like the button on a fat girls pants. "No I really am a size 6! These must be labeled wrong." I am wound up tighter than a frogs asshole! (You see... a frogs asshole needs to be tight or water would get in. Bet you never thought of that!)
I mean I have come to some realities here that I treated as bullshit crutches and excuses by people for many years. (Let's no go overboard here I am not going to remove the labels that these Playskool drop outs have earned!) But when I started here I was a trim 170 and in the best shape I have been in a long time. At least pound-for-pound. More cardio work and less weights than when I was younger. Kept an eye on what I ate since my 14 hour days took away from my gym time, and after all I did not want to let all of that hard work go to waste. THEN the holidays came. After Halloween I decided that the girls did not NEED all of that candy sitting in the house as we kept finding candy wrappers all over the house. Now I am not talking about a few pieces of candy here... they had two 2 gallon Ziploc's full to the top! Before my little blog here I had nowhere to de-stress, so..... open mouth, insert crap! (I know.... must be where all of this crap is coming from!) Let's just say 90% of that candy did not make it to the New Year! The other 10% was the shitty banana taffy. YUCK!
Today I stand before you a blob of a man once again at 190 something. I felt I was watching the Biggest Loser and turning to food when life seems out of whack right here in my own little cubical of discomfort. The fact that I love to cook, and it was like my therapy when I was doing meaningful work has no relation to today. I am just eating more things that are bad for me then I have since high school and I had the metabolism that could handle it. It is not that I am a fast-food whore because that shit is still something I can only handle once in a blue moon, but I just find myself putting things in the hole in my face because it is empty! I know, I know... "What about the old fashioned way of relieving stress?!?!" Beating kids is frowned upon these days. Oh... you mean the other way? I ask you... would you want to let a cranky, fat, under achieving, gray, feeling sorry for himself, balding bastard with the confidence and conviction of the French military (Stop!!! Or I'll yell stop again...) mount you? (If you answered yes, please forward your name and number to Toner Boy P.O. Box..... Just kidding Hunny!) Me neither. As for my fall back stress buster (No not that... that is the fall back to the fall back... what? It is self inflicted.) cooking, it is just not the same when your ingredients go from crab, fillet, scallops and saffron to cheese whiz, Mickey Nuggets, canned corn and iodine salt. (Would rather avoid the last fall back, and at worst case have better things in the pantry to keep me entertained. Hey... beggars can't be choosers!) Can I make you a Fritos crusted hot dog with honey bacon creamed corn?
And now.... a joke. Do you know the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish... it dies. Thank you.... I will be here until I can get a real job! (Little cooks humor. OK, very little.)
OK. Some quick office tidbits and I am done for the week. (Unless someone just blindsides me with stupidity. Very possible. Not to mention I am bored to death around this place.) Been working with The Looker today because his PC is on the fritz and had a flurry of, "You know what I am sayin?"'s thrown at me to the point I almost responded with, "Shhhhhiiiiiitttttt.... playa. You kiddin?" I am looking at him standing there as he's dressed like a fucked up fruit salad in his cranberry shirt, grape pants, and cherry red & black hallucinogenic tie! Bro... what the fuck? Turned around a minute ago to find Wigglesworth standing there. Gotta get a bell for that assholes neck!
Mr. Obvious has been out until today and it took him all of 4 seconds to get right back in the grove of things. "I'm back." No shit? You are not Mo in ahhh... even more drag? Dumb ass. Speaking of Mo many of you who have been following, or followed, or were bored enough to read the post on Facebook I had regarding me walking down the hall with the giant box full of toner cartridges and she, ahhh "it" waited for me to move aside so she could walk through. Ha, ha.... I got my revenge this time! Fucking little bitch yesterday walked right down the hall and waited for me to move once again. I was not carrying anything this time around, but the point was she walked straight down the center of the hall and assumed that I was going to be the one to step aside for her. So I told myself the next time this happens I am just going to split the difference and if she does not move I will walk right into her. This morning was my chance! I walked to the break room to refill my water bottle and her she comes out the door holding her water bottle. Still a good 12 feet in front of her I give it a half shuffle to the side and looked over the cubes to say "morning" to Funk and Wagnalls (I only say morning because there is nothing good about it here.) as I pass. The bitch ran right into my shoulder! She drops her water bottle and looks at me and says, "You should watch where you are going." I said, "That is funny I moved and gave you room to get through. Did not realize I was also required to step to the side and put my head down like you are The Queen." Thought I was about to square off with the school bully right then and there in the hall. Then I realized that I was no longer 12. I am sure I will hear about that one. Oh well. Bitch.
Guess this incident just put me a pissy mood this morning. Ye olde Ice Shaker was at it again today, and this time I had enough. He is sitting in his cube talking poker with Quasimodo (There is an ugly sum-bitch that I would hate to try and read his face at a poker table!) just shaking his bottle like a fucking maraca. Knowing that I am going to hear about buzzing the tower with Mo already I decided to send an email to Penis and ask him to take care of it. Knowing that humor only hurts those you are laughing at I figured I would at least make the email put a smile on the old wrinkled ones face. And I wrote, "May I politely ask.... Can you, or someone, pass along to Ice Shaker, or his manager, to PLEASE stop shaking his ice in his bottle every day before I go nuts and say something more that I will regret? Right now… I am unable to put the words together in a manner that would be rational. Of course as soon as I start this email to you he stops. Oh darn he must be out of liquid in his bottle. Breaks the heart. But next time you have your door open and hear it, or step out to find me crawling over the top of my cube after him, if someone could please let him know in a politically correct way how annoying that is to those around him? It would be VERY much appreciated. Thank you." I walk by his office and he is laughing as he calls me in to thank me for passing this on to him and the laugh. He said he will figure out a way to take care of this that will not put the office on high alert. It is sort of nice being a pee on and not having to worry about being politically correct all of the time. Lord knows I am an HR's worst nightmare in management already.... now I am amongst the mob. Good heavens. All I can say is, "And down goes Ice Shaker!" Game, set, match.
Let see... odds and ends.... Had a question on a spreadsheet formula that I went to Anyway with. I explained it in detail knowing that pretty much what he does 24/7 for a living here. He looks at my example..... looks at some other cells formulas that I have.... looks back... looks right at me and says, "Yeah. Hmmmmm.... Anyway." Go figure
Catching Flies looks like he got into a wrestling match with a squid and lost. The guy has pretty much solid gray hair (Up yours Ed mine is still sort of black. At least what is still there.) and he looks like someone put toner ink (AHAHHA toner ink!) on his head. If this was a Just for Men job he should NOT be a spokesperson because as Shaq would say, "That's horrible. No, you know what that is? That's horrawful. That's horrible and awful mixed together."
OK... I need to go a little easier on Mr. Obvious because he just brought me a pack of Sour Mamba's. Ass kisser.
Next... one of the unnamed ladies in the filing department walked by here earlier and she was wearing a set of big ass yellow Sony radio ear phones like the ones that Ben Stiller wore when he was running on the beach in Starsky and Hutch. I mean really, she looks like the Great Gazoo from the Flintstones with big ass antennas sticking out of her head! Wonder if I can sell her some of my hanger wire antenna animals as an accessory? Are you telling me that people still actually listen to AM/FM radio? Hell she is from one of those South Pacific islands where your name is 14 consonants and 1 vowel, so how many radio stations can there be that she would be able to understand the language in the first place? She really looks like one of those islanders from Pirates of the Caribbean 2. All she would need is a bone in her nose and a plate in her lip!
Dummy called me a day early this morning because once again she could not log in... Toner Boy to her rescue right? She sends me over, through the inner office mail carrier mind you, a paper cup full of doughnut holes that say, "Thank you!" on the side. How sweet that old dimwit is. Actually now that I think about it.... doughnut holes from her, candy from Mr. Obvious, I am already plumping up on my own.... I've got it... they are going to kill and stuff me for Thanksgiving! The jig is up! I have figured you rat bastards out because none of you are this nice! (Sleeper Cell if I am still here at that point in time please treat me like a target on Buzz Lightyear!) Hey if they butcher me up with Violet from Willy Wonka they could have a feast!
Oh yeah.... speaking of the Wonkanator we have a new employee upstairs who is a sight to be seen. This lady has more gray hair than black, wears a very full bob haircut around her face accentuating her plumpness, has bright blue eyes, is about 50 pounds overweight and has not shopped since she put on the LB's (FUCKING INFLUENZA IS BURPING LIKE A SEAL OVER THERE! I am going to throw that bitch a mackerel.) so she is almost a grenade in disguise, and wears, I shit you not, burnt umber base make up! She looks like a fricken Oompa Loompa! I think I am going to go ask her for a chocolate bar. I'm out.
Toner Boy
I hate being such the bitter bitch, but there is only so much of this special ed convention that I can take. I mean I hear myself and I want to ask, "Do you want some cheese to go with all of your whine you bitch?" Really there is no warden here that is going to let me out for time served? Haven't I suffered enough to this point? Hell I lost everything that I had, including my pride, do I have to lose my sanity along with it? Trying to save my sanity is why the 4 of you, who actually follow my mad ramblings in the first place, even have anything to read because I needed a place to vent before I popped like the button on a fat girls pants. "No I really am a size 6! These must be labeled wrong." I am wound up tighter than a frogs asshole! (You see... a frogs asshole needs to be tight or water would get in. Bet you never thought of that!)
I mean I have come to some realities here that I treated as bullshit crutches and excuses by people for many years. (Let's no go overboard here I am not going to remove the labels that these Playskool drop outs have earned!) But when I started here I was a trim 170 and in the best shape I have been in a long time. At least pound-for-pound. More cardio work and less weights than when I was younger. Kept an eye on what I ate since my 14 hour days took away from my gym time, and after all I did not want to let all of that hard work go to waste. THEN the holidays came. After Halloween I decided that the girls did not NEED all of that candy sitting in the house as we kept finding candy wrappers all over the house. Now I am not talking about a few pieces of candy here... they had two 2 gallon Ziploc's full to the top! Before my little blog here I had nowhere to de-stress, so..... open mouth, insert crap! (I know.... must be where all of this crap is coming from!) Let's just say 90% of that candy did not make it to the New Year! The other 10% was the shitty banana taffy. YUCK!
Today I stand before you a blob of a man once again at 190 something. I felt I was watching the Biggest Loser and turning to food when life seems out of whack right here in my own little cubical of discomfort. The fact that I love to cook, and it was like my therapy when I was doing meaningful work has no relation to today. I am just eating more things that are bad for me then I have since high school and I had the metabolism that could handle it. It is not that I am a fast-food whore because that shit is still something I can only handle once in a blue moon, but I just find myself putting things in the hole in my face because it is empty! I know, I know... "What about the old fashioned way of relieving stress?!?!" Beating kids is frowned upon these days. Oh... you mean the other way? I ask you... would you want to let a cranky, fat, under achieving, gray, feeling sorry for himself, balding bastard with the confidence and conviction of the French military (Stop!!! Or I'll yell stop again...) mount you? (If you answered yes, please forward your name and number to Toner Boy P.O. Box..... Just kidding Hunny!) Me neither. As for my fall back stress buster (No not that... that is the fall back to the fall back... what? It is self inflicted.) cooking, it is just not the same when your ingredients go from crab, fillet, scallops and saffron to cheese whiz, Mickey Nuggets, canned corn and iodine salt. (Would rather avoid the last fall back, and at worst case have better things in the pantry to keep me entertained. Hey... beggars can't be choosers!) Can I make you a Fritos crusted hot dog with honey bacon creamed corn?
And now.... a joke. Do you know the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish... it dies. Thank you.... I will be here until I can get a real job! (Little cooks humor. OK, very little.)
OK. Some quick office tidbits and I am done for the week. (Unless someone just blindsides me with stupidity. Very possible. Not to mention I am bored to death around this place.) Been working with The Looker today because his PC is on the fritz and had a flurry of, "You know what I am sayin?"'s thrown at me to the point I almost responded with, "Shhhhhiiiiiitttttt.... playa. You kiddin?" I am looking at him standing there as he's dressed like a fucked up fruit salad in his cranberry shirt, grape pants, and cherry red & black hallucinogenic tie! Bro... what the fuck? Turned around a minute ago to find Wigglesworth standing there. Gotta get a bell for that assholes neck!
Mr. Obvious has been out until today and it took him all of 4 seconds to get right back in the grove of things. "I'm back." No shit? You are not Mo in ahhh... even more drag? Dumb ass. Speaking of Mo many of you who have been following, or followed, or were bored enough to read the post on Facebook I had regarding me walking down the hall with the giant box full of toner cartridges and she, ahhh "it" waited for me to move aside so she could walk through. Ha, ha.... I got my revenge this time! Fucking little bitch yesterday walked right down the hall and waited for me to move once again. I was not carrying anything this time around, but the point was she walked straight down the center of the hall and assumed that I was going to be the one to step aside for her. So I told myself the next time this happens I am just going to split the difference and if she does not move I will walk right into her. This morning was my chance! I walked to the break room to refill my water bottle and her she comes out the door holding her water bottle. Still a good 12 feet in front of her I give it a half shuffle to the side and looked over the cubes to say "morning" to Funk and Wagnalls (I only say morning because there is nothing good about it here.) as I pass. The bitch ran right into my shoulder! She drops her water bottle and looks at me and says, "You should watch where you are going." I said, "That is funny I moved and gave you room to get through. Did not realize I was also required to step to the side and put my head down like you are The Queen." Thought I was about to square off with the school bully right then and there in the hall. Then I realized that I was no longer 12. I am sure I will hear about that one. Oh well. Bitch.
Guess this incident just put me a pissy mood this morning. Ye olde Ice Shaker was at it again today, and this time I had enough. He is sitting in his cube talking poker with Quasimodo (There is an ugly sum-bitch that I would hate to try and read his face at a poker table!) just shaking his bottle like a fucking maraca. Knowing that I am going to hear about buzzing the tower with Mo already I decided to send an email to Penis and ask him to take care of it. Knowing that humor only hurts those you are laughing at I figured I would at least make the email put a smile on the old wrinkled ones face. And I wrote, "May I politely ask.... Can you, or someone, pass along to Ice Shaker, or his manager, to PLEASE stop shaking his ice in his bottle every day before I go nuts and say something more that I will regret? Right now… I am unable to put the words together in a manner that would be rational. Of course as soon as I start this email to you he stops. Oh darn he must be out of liquid in his bottle. Breaks the heart. But next time you have your door open and hear it, or step out to find me crawling over the top of my cube after him, if someone could please let him know in a politically correct way how annoying that is to those around him? It would be VERY much appreciated. Thank you." I walk by his office and he is laughing as he calls me in to thank me for passing this on to him and the laugh. He said he will figure out a way to take care of this that will not put the office on high alert. It is sort of nice being a pee on and not having to worry about being politically correct all of the time. Lord knows I am an HR's worst nightmare in management already.... now I am amongst the mob. Good heavens. All I can say is, "And down goes Ice Shaker!" Game, set, match.
Let see... odds and ends.... Had a question on a spreadsheet formula that I went to Anyway with. I explained it in detail knowing that pretty much what he does 24/7 for a living here. He looks at my example..... looks at some other cells formulas that I have.... looks back... looks right at me and says, "Yeah. Hmmmmm.... Anyway." Go figure
Catching Flies looks like he got into a wrestling match with a squid and lost. The guy has pretty much solid gray hair (Up yours Ed mine is still sort of black. At least what is still there.) and he looks like someone put toner ink (AHAHHA toner ink!) on his head. If this was a Just for Men job he should NOT be a spokesperson because as Shaq would say, "That's horrible. No, you know what that is? That's horrawful. That's horrible and awful mixed together."
OK... I need to go a little easier on Mr. Obvious because he just brought me a pack of Sour Mamba's. Ass kisser.
Next... one of the unnamed ladies in the filing department walked by here earlier and she was wearing a set of big ass yellow Sony radio ear phones like the ones that Ben Stiller wore when he was running on the beach in Starsky and Hutch. I mean really, she looks like the Great Gazoo from the Flintstones with big ass antennas sticking out of her head! Wonder if I can sell her some of my hanger wire antenna animals as an accessory? Are you telling me that people still actually listen to AM/FM radio? Hell she is from one of those South Pacific islands where your name is 14 consonants and 1 vowel, so how many radio stations can there be that she would be able to understand the language in the first place? She really looks like one of those islanders from Pirates of the Caribbean 2. All she would need is a bone in her nose and a plate in her lip!
Dummy called me a day early this morning because once again she could not log in... Toner Boy to her rescue right? She sends me over, through the inner office mail carrier mind you, a paper cup full of doughnut holes that say, "Thank you!" on the side. How sweet that old dimwit is. Actually now that I think about it.... doughnut holes from her, candy from Mr. Obvious, I am already plumping up on my own.... I've got it... they are going to kill and stuff me for Thanksgiving! The jig is up! I have figured you rat bastards out because none of you are this nice! (Sleeper Cell if I am still here at that point in time please treat me like a target on Buzz Lightyear!) Hey if they butcher me up with Violet from Willy Wonka they could have a feast!
Oh yeah.... speaking of the Wonkanator we have a new employee upstairs who is a sight to be seen. This lady has more gray hair than black, wears a very full bob haircut around her face accentuating her plumpness, has bright blue eyes, is about 50 pounds overweight and has not shopped since she put on the LB's (FUCKING INFLUENZA IS BURPING LIKE A SEAL OVER THERE! I am going to throw that bitch a mackerel.) so she is almost a grenade in disguise, and wears, I shit you not, burnt umber base make up! She looks like a fricken Oompa Loompa! I think I am going to go ask her for a chocolate bar. I'm out.
Toner Boy
Monday, April 26, 2010
Notes from the weekend...
"It starts." ~ Timon, Lion King.
Yes another start of the week begins for Toner Boy.
Influenza is about 2 coughs and a sniffle from me going over there and lopping her head off to save her from whatever "funk" she has going on in that cube of hers. The Cracker is in fine Monday form and just walked past me with another bag of chips and his second Coke of the day. GOD DAMN.... *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!* (She is going to be the death of me I swear it!) The Throat is in FULL rattle mode today as she walks around bugging the crap out of me. Must be hot because the Ice Shaker is a noisy fuck today. Creeper is back in full swing squeaking his way around the office after being gone last week. Go you sneaky bastard! I mean this place is a chorus of noises! FUCK... *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!!!!" "Cough, rustle, squeak, Ahhhh Choooo, sniffle, blow, squeak, constant clearing of the throat, crack, rustle, ice rattle..." I am going to go nuts!
What else. Let's see. The weekend was good. Went to dinner with The Fuzz and Smut Queen on Friday at Texas Roadhouse. Foo watched all the kids so the parents could get away and plot how we are going to torture them and make their lives a miserable hell for another year. Because that is what parents do don't ya know? Hunny and the girls went to her mom's for the weekend to shop for dresses for the girls, they are going to be in their cousin's wedding here shortly, so I had the house to myself. Not that I really saw much of it this weekend because Rocco kept me on the move this weekend. He and my aunt are out for a few weeks from Vegas to pay us a visit. On Saturday Rocco, McLovin and my aunt went out to the Asparagus Festival for a few hours and then returned to my parents to BBQ and have a few cocktails. Albert came by for a martini at the end of the night, but by this time my batteries were running on low so I went home and crashed. Got up on Sunday morning to go fishing with Pops, Rocco and McLovin for a few hours and then headed back to my parents once again to BBQ for the fam. After 6 came over to watch the race and eat, and The Fuzz joined us after work as well.
Like I said pretty quiet weekend all in all. Good food, good drink, family and friends. All is well. Well until now at least.... that fricken work thing keeps turning up like a bad penny on Monday to spoil things once again!!! OH DAMN! Now I have to listen to Influenza burp as well as the rest of her body functions? What the hell? Sounded like she got some on her shirt. She just did it again. Real lady like. Why don't you just go ahead and drop some wolf bait on top of everything else you sick bitch!?!?! Wonder if everyone else sitting around her bathes in body, ahhh I mean hand sanitizer like I do all day? Shit... what is she drinking Double Bubble Burpa Cola? What are the... Oh, WTF??? Hold on. Does it say, "Burp here!" on the side of my fucking cube today? McNasty just walked by and scared the hell out of me with a loud ass rumbling burp. This is burp-a-bullshit if you ask me! As I was asking... What are the odds that she is single? Pretty damn good would be my guess! Arrrrggghhhh... *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!*
Good grief. Toner Boy... out.
Yes another start of the week begins for Toner Boy.
Influenza is about 2 coughs and a sniffle from me going over there and lopping her head off to save her from whatever "funk" she has going on in that cube of hers. The Cracker is in fine Monday form and just walked past me with another bag of chips and his second Coke of the day. GOD DAMN.... *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!* (She is going to be the death of me I swear it!) The Throat is in FULL rattle mode today as she walks around bugging the crap out of me. Must be hot because the Ice Shaker is a noisy fuck today. Creeper is back in full swing squeaking his way around the office after being gone last week. Go you sneaky bastard! I mean this place is a chorus of noises! FUCK... *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!!!!" "Cough, rustle, squeak, Ahhhh Choooo, sniffle, blow, squeak, constant clearing of the throat, crack, rustle, ice rattle..." I am going to go nuts!
What else. Let's see. The weekend was good. Went to dinner with The Fuzz and Smut Queen on Friday at Texas Roadhouse. Foo watched all the kids so the parents could get away and plot how we are going to torture them and make their lives a miserable hell for another year. Because that is what parents do don't ya know? Hunny and the girls went to her mom's for the weekend to shop for dresses for the girls, they are going to be in their cousin's wedding here shortly, so I had the house to myself. Not that I really saw much of it this weekend because Rocco kept me on the move this weekend. He and my aunt are out for a few weeks from Vegas to pay us a visit. On Saturday Rocco, McLovin and my aunt went out to the Asparagus Festival for a few hours and then returned to my parents to BBQ and have a few cocktails. Albert came by for a martini at the end of the night, but by this time my batteries were running on low so I went home and crashed. Got up on Sunday morning to go fishing with Pops, Rocco and McLovin for a few hours and then headed back to my parents once again to BBQ for the fam. After 6 came over to watch the race and eat, and The Fuzz joined us after work as well.
Like I said pretty quiet weekend all in all. Good food, good drink, family and friends. All is well. Well until now at least.... that fricken work thing keeps turning up like a bad penny on Monday to spoil things once again!!! OH DAMN! Now I have to listen to Influenza burp as well as the rest of her body functions? What the hell? Sounded like she got some on her shirt. She just did it again. Real lady like. Why don't you just go ahead and drop some wolf bait on top of everything else you sick bitch!?!?! Wonder if everyone else sitting around her bathes in body, ahhh I mean hand sanitizer like I do all day? Shit... what is she drinking Double Bubble Burpa Cola? What are the... Oh, WTF??? Hold on. Does it say, "Burp here!" on the side of my fucking cube today? McNasty just walked by and scared the hell out of me with a loud ass rumbling burp. This is burp-a-bullshit if you ask me! As I was asking... What are the odds that she is single? Pretty damn good would be my guess! Arrrrggghhhh... *BLESS YOU INFLUENZA!*
Good grief. Toner Boy... out.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Nothing like humor in the men's room!
OK. Real quick, so stay with me here.
I run to the restroom to, well you know... piss, and Searching for Quarters is in there taking a leak. Nothing real new worthy considering that he must go about 14 times a day. He better either get a doctor or a hooker to check out that prostate for him. Anywhoooo I came to realize that besides that old skin and gravity advantage that he has over me that his natural position when upright allows him to take a leak and he already has his eyes on the prize! The real bitch for him would come if there were one of those advertisements above the urinal that he wanted to read. He might end up pissing on his chin when he leaned back.
As we were both walking to the sink to wash our hands, unlike Skippy, a mountain of a man walks in. He goes to the middle urinal, unzips, reels out his junk and proceeds to piss while resting his arms on the privacy walls like he was resting on a fence at a Little League game. No fear of getting piss on him I guess when your hose is sitting on the edge of the urinal like a cigar in an ashtray huh? Damn. Ahhh... I mean, damn SIR.
As Searching for Quarters and I walk out the door here comes Munson on his way in. Now Munson is a short timer in the sense of most county employees as he started 2 weeks after I did. What was that? 40 years ago now? Back to my point. Munson called Searching for Quarters by the wrong name and Searching for Quarters gets himself erect (Come on.... you know that thing is not working anymore.) enough to look at him like, "WTF?" I mean Munson is like 6' 5", and Searching for Quarters from his toes to the high spot on his back can't be more than 5' 7". I am sure in his prime back in the 1800's he was like 5' 11" or so, but come on this was a lot of work for him and he just snapped his shit right up at him. Impressive.
Munson walked right on by like there was nothing wrong and sure he has his facts straight. Goes past me and gives me another ever so confident, "Toner Boy!" with his Magnum PI stash going on. Searching for Quarters is still looking back at him like, "You mother fucker." and all I can do is snicker. I hope once Munson got in there that Monster Mash at the urinal did not need a hand. Need a hand! AHAHAHAHAHAH
Quite funny. Just had to share.
Toner Boy
I run to the restroom to, well you know... piss, and Searching for Quarters is in there taking a leak. Nothing real new worthy considering that he must go about 14 times a day. He better either get a doctor or a hooker to check out that prostate for him. Anywhoooo I came to realize that besides that old skin and gravity advantage that he has over me that his natural position when upright allows him to take a leak and he already has his eyes on the prize! The real bitch for him would come if there were one of those advertisements above the urinal that he wanted to read. He might end up pissing on his chin when he leaned back.
As we were both walking to the sink to wash our hands, unlike Skippy, a mountain of a man walks in. He goes to the middle urinal, unzips, reels out his junk and proceeds to piss while resting his arms on the privacy walls like he was resting on a fence at a Little League game. No fear of getting piss on him I guess when your hose is sitting on the edge of the urinal like a cigar in an ashtray huh? Damn. Ahhh... I mean, damn SIR.
As Searching for Quarters and I walk out the door here comes Munson on his way in. Now Munson is a short timer in the sense of most county employees as he started 2 weeks after I did. What was that? 40 years ago now? Back to my point. Munson called Searching for Quarters by the wrong name and Searching for Quarters gets himself erect (Come on.... you know that thing is not working anymore.) enough to look at him like, "WTF?" I mean Munson is like 6' 5", and Searching for Quarters from his toes to the high spot on his back can't be more than 5' 7". I am sure in his prime back in the 1800's he was like 5' 11" or so, but come on this was a lot of work for him and he just snapped his shit right up at him. Impressive.
Munson walked right on by like there was nothing wrong and sure he has his facts straight. Goes past me and gives me another ever so confident, "Toner Boy!" with his Magnum PI stash going on. Searching for Quarters is still looking back at him like, "You mother fucker." and all I can do is snicker. I hope once Munson got in there that Monster Mash at the urinal did not need a hand. Need a hand! AHAHAHAHAHAH
Quite funny. Just had to share.
Toner Boy
Vacation wrap up and other updates....
Hey, hey, hey! Been a busy Toner Boy these days, so sorry for the delay. Let's get on with it!
Since my last post McLovin has turned 19, Thunder 10, Hack 61, Paparazzi 29 (Always 29) and Goo-Goo 90! Happy Birthday's to all of you!
I think I have settled on a blog format finally. Still not 100% how I would want it, so when I get the time I may transform it once again. Never know. Unlike Hack's undies, this could get changed often!
There have been some additions to The who's who! section. A few new SC members have been added, as well as some updates to those who were already on board my flight to insanity! All protests must be presented in writing and mailed to management for review. Good luck with that.
Real quick notes from around the office.
Influenza has been hacking up a fucking lung all week and I am about two coughs away from a case of the swine flu myself at the rate she is going. Dear Lord! I mean I even heard her hack a cough drop off of her monitor the other day as it shot out of her mouth during one of her gag fests! Well I guess it is better than that fake ass sounding sneeze. That cough drop was some pretty funny shit though if you ask me.
Penis needed a makeshift database/spreadsheet thingy created the other day, but could not articulate the words on what he was trying to accomplish when it was all said and done. So I tried for two days to beat out of him (Funny fucking pun right there!) and yesterday I finally told him I needed to walk through this data comparison step-by-step with him just so I could get a grasp of what it was he really wanted. Needing to explain fresh data and scrub data to him was beyond painful, because he just could not wrap him brain around it. Finally it clicked. (Guess being a professional beater paid off for someone besides myself finally. Thanks for the training Hunny!) After it was said and done he called in the other managers to show them what I had put together and how they were to use it. Instead of praising my penis alone, I was praised by Penis in front of others. Yep.... the truth be told, it was a nice change.
Wigglesworth has been bugging the crap out of me a lot these days. Strange bastard walking up behind me and just standing there waiting for me to turn around and address him. Freak. After talking with him I am always expecting him to give me that Mr. Burns, "Excellent." when we are done talking and he walks away. Dude is a trip.
One of the Muff-keteers, Larry, had her PC die this week so I had to swap out her PC for a new one. What a thrill a minute that was. She looked at me like I broke her shit. If she kept it up I was going to for real!
One of the ladies from our office across the street had a problem with some files that were not working and I explained to her that the group that controls the servers and backups would have to restore them for her. Once I contacted them they told me that the backup was off site and they would have to request it and it would take a couple of days. I explain this to her and told her as soon as they tell me that the files have been restored I will replace them and let her know. Ever since that day I have been called and emailed about 4 times a day asking if it is done yet. When I refused to respond to her for an hour, because there is obviously a translation problem from my mouth to her ears, she began calling Mr. Obvious and asking him for updates. Obviously he told her the same thing I did, just because that is how he rolls. She then calls Penis to see if he knew. Penis turned around and pissed on us looking for answers. I told Penis the same thing I have told everyone else and that as soon as they got the tape they would restore her files. Mr. Obvious calls the server group, who once again explains what I told them the first time and that they had not received it yet. He then hands that information back to Penis, again. (Had to get hand and penis in the same sentence, sorry!) Penis gets hard on her and tells her what was told to her from day one. I come in this morning to find Mr. Obvious had came into the office early and gotten an email telling us that the restore was done. He restores the files for her and then sends out an email to God and creation like he had just saved the users life. I mean this was sent to people who were not even part of this whole circle jerk. WTF is that all about? I guess if you are in need of recognition that bad.... more power to you. It was a 5 second job that took 3 days to complete because of how this cluster fuck it setup in the first place. Yippee you douche bag.
Hmmmm... Let's see. What else? The Cracker has been having blow outs with the wife on the phone all week and has enough empties in his cube to build a fort! Wonder if he is sleeping there? Trekkie has been gone all week. How will we ever get along? The Throat has been in full on clear mode. Munson left his hand on his desk when he went to the bathroom. Guess he has no real need for it, huh? Today is bring your little pain in the ass to work day. This is always a joy. I made some kick ass badges for them though. Better appreciate the hard work you little rat bastards! I love kids. Made some badges with super models on them for a few of the "very rare" nice ladies in the office that I don't mind talking to for the event. Needless to say... the pictures were a BIT of a stretch for one of them. That is about it from the work front.... now that I am all relaxed, let's talk about the "post race" vacation.
So we make it down to the hotel and as we get out to stretch our legs I notice there is oil on the back of the Suburban. Great. Look on the ground and I follow a trail of drips leading out to the street, and I don't mean the kids were laying in a line either! Crap. Make a call to Pops to see if he can reach into is deep ass bag of friends and come up with an out of town fix as we walk over to Disneyland. After a call or two he has a friend, of a friend, of a friend that will take a look at it for us while we are there. It seems to be a transmission leak. After a few hours in the park The Fuzz and I run down to an oil changer just to have them take a look and see if they can spot the source of the problem. Sure enough they said it was leaking from the transfer case. Going onto our 12th hour of being awake and with little sleep it only made since to us to..... drink. The Fuzz and I stopped off for a sip-n-sack on the way back to the room, and then another one about 4 mins later as we passed another store. What?
Once we got back to the room we got dinner ready for everyone and had a drink. We are parched at this point. Come on. After dinner we head back to the park for a few hours after the crowds have died down a weeee bit. Once it got to about 10 we packed it in and headed back to the room. After all we have been going for 18 hours at this point, and for some reason once the buzz wore off I was feeling a little rubber legged at this point. A good night sleep will do wonders for all of us at this point I am sure. We get back to the hotel and Paparazzi tells us we are meeting at 7 to go back to the park. Yes... 7AM!!! So much for that good night sleep. The girls crash out and Hunny sets the alarm on her phone for 6 so we can get up and get ready. She says, "Let's try this rooster alarm." Bad idea. There is nothing in this world like being woke up by the sounds of a artificial rooster on crack... let me tell you.
After doing my best Uncle Shartly, Smut Queen combo impersonation at the wifes phone we lumber our way out to the lobby to met the SC. Within a few steps we are transported into a large group of kids that are about to go to Disneyland. Had a great time in the park during the morning hours. We watched Sleeper Cell kill everything in Buzz Lightyear, Foo just about shit herself on Tower of Terror and The Fuzz and the girls going for a dip on Splash Mountain. Once the crowds came in the afternoon we got out of the park and made our way back to the hotel. Chet, The Fuzz and myself took the damaged vehicle down to the stop to get the leak fixed. Now Pops had warned me that this guy had all of the people skills of a stomach pump before I got there. Like I listened! I walk in and introduce myself to the man and he looks at the badge charm on my necklace and asks if I am a cop. (I wear a badge that honors my grandfather.) I look right at him without a breath and say, "No. But I play one on TV." Not even a blink. The guy just turns and walks out to the shop to write down my information. Yeah. On that note I tell The Fuzz that it is time for a drink! Lucky for us we brought a few beers with us.
The Fuzz calls Smut Queen to see what they are doing and the kids were all on their way back from the pool to eat some lunch and then they were all going to rest for a bit. Sounds like the perfect time to escape! We head over to ESPN Zone for a drink and end up having lunch. Big mistake! We are having an early dinner at Buca di Beppo and with 4 hours to go I went ahead and had a burger that was about the size of a VW Bug. Washed it down with a couple of adult sized Blue Moon's, and as full as a tick off we go. We get back to the hotel and Chet has some work to do and The Fuzz and I go to check on our families. *Side Note* - As I am typing this I can hear, what sounds like, a recycle salvage going on in The Crackers cube! Must be spring cleaning! AHAHAHAH - Everyone is crashed out cold and in my room. I watch the Masters for a little bit and try and get some rest, but at this point I am busting at the seams! Hoping that this too shall pass, I wake the girls up so they can all get ready for dinner and a trip back to the park later that night. We get to dinner and Sleeper Cell buys all of the guys a beer. To give you a hint how full I still was... I did not even get close to finishing that beer. Sad I know. I had about 3 bites of food as The Fuzz tried to rat me out to Hunny that I had been to ESPN Zone without her, and tried to suggest that I ate her favorite menu item as well. Shit disturber!
After they ate we went back to the park for a few rides and to take in the Electric Light Parade one last time before for they take it away forever again, and then bring it back in 5 years in a marketing campaign. Has anyone ever mentioned that people around those parades are a pain in the ass? Or back? Huh Smut Queen? Some little bastard child was kicking her until she lobbed him and his mother the bird before getting up. (OK. Not really, but that would have been some funny ass shit!) We got back to the room once again somewhere around 10 and were warned of the start time for the next days festivities. See you at 7 Paparazzi! God... glad this is a vacation. The plus is it is going to be a short day in the parks because the girl competition starts the following morning and they need some rest. As do I!
Had a great morning in the park and the kids went their own way for a little bit to give us some adult time. Notice I did not say give them some kid time.... yeah we needed the break from them! Nothing like owning 8 cheerleaders between 4 family's. Well that break ended up lasting one ride. They went one way... we went the other... the next thing you know we are all at Thunder Mountain Railroad together. Go figure. After an afternoon of heat we headed back to the hotel so the kids could rest and swim before dinner, and The Fuzz and I ran to go and pickup the Suburban. Couple of beers for travel. We get back to the hotel to find the kids at the pool with Smut Queen, Chet working again, Sleeper Cell starting to get tuned up, Ed and Paprazzi ran to the store and Hunny was not feeling well laying down back in the room. I told her we were going to grab a few drinks and going to head down to the pool to relax for a bit, so she joined us. We sat around and shot the shit for an hour or so, knocked down a few drinks and proceeded to head back and make dinner. After we ate one of the girls from the gym pretty much begged us to throw her in the pool. I think she said something like, "Hey what are you guys doing?" We have heard just about enough of that shit, in the pool you go little lady! Still healing from those claws of hers.
Well it is Saturday morning at 6 and that means that it is time for cheer. Well except for Hunny who has been up tossing her cookies all morning! But the trooper that she is she got Little Miss ready and off they went to the convention center. Thunder and I soon followed with the others who did not have to be there as early to go and watch her team perform. They did a good job, no real errors except the fact that they looked like they were asked to point out a serial killer in a line up without a one way mirror in between them! Odd... they are always a very confident, loosey goosey sort of group. Come to find out the coaches put a bit too much of a "No horsing around." scare into them than they intended too! After being a little stiff they started out in 3rd place after the first day. No worries. They have got it in them to still take it.
Time to go back and get the older girls ready and another prayer to the porcelain gods for Hunny. Thunder and Junior 3 were up next. You can really tell that all of the girls have been running a little ragged down there as they were not quite themselves. A few mistakes here and there, and a very lethargic performance left them in 4th after the first day with some teams that were very solid and clean in front of them. They have got some work to do just to make it to the podium at this point. Maybe that quick trip Thunder and I made back to the park on the down-low the night before to get in a few rides was not the wisest of choices by the old man. I must say it was worth the trip alone just for seeing the little Asian guy in the bathroom taking a leak like a 3 year old with his pants down around his ankles, and his bare ass sticking out as he took his piss. That was some funny shit to see at the Happiest Place on Earth! Guess he was going for the complete kid experience.
That night at dinner before Foo heads over for her turn on the mat with her Senior 5 team we get a text letting us know that the little ones need to be back at 6 the next morning instead of 7. Great. Considering that Foo did not go on until almost 9 that night that quick turnaround could be a killer for the little ones. Like a trooper Little Miss and Hunny were back up at 5 to get ready and go back over to give it their best. I beat Thunder into submission and got her up they left the room so we could get ready and be there to watch her perform. The coaches, having seen the error in their ways, must have told the girls to look like PEZ dispensers because they were smiling so hard their mouths were cutting their heads in half going ear to ear the entire time. They were much better though. They had a lot more energy and were clean as usual. They moved from 3rd to 2nd with that performance, and happy that they moved up at all Little Miss did not shank any judges after the results were announced for poor judgment. The world is safe for one more day.
With a little break between Little Miss and Thunder, Hunny went back to the room to rest up a bit since her stomach is still searching for the prize at the bottom of her belly like a kid riffling through a cereal box. Ed and Paparazzi lend a hand and get Thunder ready and we head over to the competition for check in and let Hunny rest a while longer. She makes it over just in time to watch Junior 3 perform, looking like Dawn of the Dead nonetheless, and was rewarded for her efforts with a solid performance by the girls. They looked so much better! Now it was just a matter of seeing if they did enough to make it to the podium. The three teams in front of them were also very good in their own right, and have the advantage of a higher score that they needed to make up on them. At the awards the call came in that they indeed moved up to 3rd place and they were all VERY happy! The fact that this was Thunders first time of not placing 1st at Nationals was not even a thought in her mind at this point. The fact that they worked their butts off and made the podium against some very solid teams meant the world to these girls. Very proud of them.
On the way back to the hotel for some rest and food, Ed and Sleeper Cell have Thunder convinced that there is a Hidden Mickey in the fountain in the front of the convention center! Absolutely infatuated with finding hidden Mickey's on this trip Thunder heads into the fountain for a gander. Looking on the lower levels, getting her feet and legs wet, was not good enough for Sleeper Cell. He tells Thunder that it is in the bowl at the top of the fountain and that he will give her a dollar if she goes up there to find it. Did he even need to offer it to her at this point? Right up she went and she is looking in the water like there is a lost treasure in there! She is going to lay claim to this hidden Mickey and the world is going to know her name for this find. Well Ed had bought a Mickey magnet earlier in the day and she was going to slip it in there when Thunder was not looking.... oops. She can't find the magnet and Thunder leaves the fountain a little dejected after Chet had to go in there to help her down. Once back at the hotel we ate dinner and then I took the kids, along with Sleeper Cell, Chet, and his crew back to the park for one last night of fun before heading back home the next day. Ed finally finds the magnet and places it on Thunders pillow so she can find it once we get back from the park that night. Her faith is restored!
The next morning Hunny is feeling a little better and so we joined The Fuzz and his crew at the park for a little bit after getting the Suburban all packed up. (They could not go the night before because Foo had yet to perform, or have her awards until after 10 that night.) We got through about 2 rides and then the rain came in and washed our butts out of the park. We stopped off at Rainforest Cafe for a bite to eat and then off to the car to start the ride home. All of this to go to bed and get my ass back up at 5 to come to work again. Now, minus the occasional drink mixed in there every once in a while, (What? Was there a pattern of drinks in there or something?) wasn't that just about the most relaxing vacation ever?
It was a fun trip and one that I look forward to going on each year. The girls all love it and it is amazing how well that they all get along no matter how much time they all spend together year round in and out of the gym.
Speaking of the gym. Little Miss has already tried out for next season and her little 6 year old butt did her back handspring on her own, and was not going to be told no she couldn't by the coaches! You go girl! After her only one full season. She is a freak I tell you. Thunder has her try outs tonight and she has told us she is doing her tuck. The coaches would like her to maybe double team this year and be a flyer on Senior 2 and tumble on Junior 3. Very proud of her and I think that this is going to be a big year of maturity for her in and out of the gym. I just hope that her funny ass personality does not go away with that maturity, because I don't know what I would do with out it. She is one funny ass bitch if you ask me. Just not her mother these days. She is going to string her up!
OK. That is all I got. Here you go Lu... some reading material for you. I hope you all enjoy it.
Toner Boy
Since my last post McLovin has turned 19, Thunder 10, Hack 61, Paparazzi 29 (Always 29) and Goo-Goo 90! Happy Birthday's to all of you!
I think I have settled on a blog format finally. Still not 100% how I would want it, so when I get the time I may transform it once again. Never know. Unlike Hack's undies, this could get changed often!
There have been some additions to The who's who! section. A few new SC members have been added, as well as some updates to those who were already on board my flight to insanity! All protests must be presented in writing and mailed to management for review. Good luck with that.
Real quick notes from around the office.
Influenza has been hacking up a fucking lung all week and I am about two coughs away from a case of the swine flu myself at the rate she is going. Dear Lord! I mean I even heard her hack a cough drop off of her monitor the other day as it shot out of her mouth during one of her gag fests! Well I guess it is better than that fake ass sounding sneeze. That cough drop was some pretty funny shit though if you ask me.
Penis needed a makeshift database/spreadsheet thingy created the other day, but could not articulate the words on what he was trying to accomplish when it was all said and done. So I tried for two days to beat out of him (Funny fucking pun right there!) and yesterday I finally told him I needed to walk through this data comparison step-by-step with him just so I could get a grasp of what it was he really wanted. Needing to explain fresh data and scrub data to him was beyond painful, because he just could not wrap him brain around it. Finally it clicked. (Guess being a professional beater paid off for someone besides myself finally. Thanks for the training Hunny!) After it was said and done he called in the other managers to show them what I had put together and how they were to use it. Instead of praising my penis alone, I was praised by Penis in front of others. Yep.... the truth be told, it was a nice change.
Wigglesworth has been bugging the crap out of me a lot these days. Strange bastard walking up behind me and just standing there waiting for me to turn around and address him. Freak. After talking with him I am always expecting him to give me that Mr. Burns, "Excellent." when we are done talking and he walks away. Dude is a trip.
One of the Muff-keteers, Larry, had her PC die this week so I had to swap out her PC for a new one. What a thrill a minute that was. She looked at me like I broke her shit. If she kept it up I was going to for real!
One of the ladies from our office across the street had a problem with some files that were not working and I explained to her that the group that controls the servers and backups would have to restore them for her. Once I contacted them they told me that the backup was off site and they would have to request it and it would take a couple of days. I explain this to her and told her as soon as they tell me that the files have been restored I will replace them and let her know. Ever since that day I have been called and emailed about 4 times a day asking if it is done yet. When I refused to respond to her for an hour, because there is obviously a translation problem from my mouth to her ears, she began calling Mr. Obvious and asking him for updates. Obviously he told her the same thing I did, just because that is how he rolls. She then calls Penis to see if he knew. Penis turned around and pissed on us looking for answers. I told Penis the same thing I have told everyone else and that as soon as they got the tape they would restore her files. Mr. Obvious calls the server group, who once again explains what I told them the first time and that they had not received it yet. He then hands that information back to Penis, again. (Had to get hand and penis in the same sentence, sorry!) Penis gets hard on her and tells her what was told to her from day one. I come in this morning to find Mr. Obvious had came into the office early and gotten an email telling us that the restore was done. He restores the files for her and then sends out an email to God and creation like he had just saved the users life. I mean this was sent to people who were not even part of this whole circle jerk. WTF is that all about? I guess if you are in need of recognition that bad.... more power to you. It was a 5 second job that took 3 days to complete because of how this cluster fuck it setup in the first place. Yippee you douche bag.
Hmmmm... Let's see. What else? The Cracker has been having blow outs with the wife on the phone all week and has enough empties in his cube to build a fort! Wonder if he is sleeping there? Trekkie has been gone all week. How will we ever get along? The Throat has been in full on clear mode. Munson left his hand on his desk when he went to the bathroom. Guess he has no real need for it, huh? Today is bring your little pain in the ass to work day. This is always a joy. I made some kick ass badges for them though. Better appreciate the hard work you little rat bastards! I love kids. Made some badges with super models on them for a few of the "very rare" nice ladies in the office that I don't mind talking to for the event. Needless to say... the pictures were a BIT of a stretch for one of them. That is about it from the work front.... now that I am all relaxed, let's talk about the "post race" vacation.
So we make it down to the hotel and as we get out to stretch our legs I notice there is oil on the back of the Suburban. Great. Look on the ground and I follow a trail of drips leading out to the street, and I don't mean the kids were laying in a line either! Crap. Make a call to Pops to see if he can reach into is deep ass bag of friends and come up with an out of town fix as we walk over to Disneyland. After a call or two he has a friend, of a friend, of a friend that will take a look at it for us while we are there. It seems to be a transmission leak. After a few hours in the park The Fuzz and I run down to an oil changer just to have them take a look and see if they can spot the source of the problem. Sure enough they said it was leaking from the transfer case. Going onto our 12th hour of being awake and with little sleep it only made since to us to..... drink. The Fuzz and I stopped off for a sip-n-sack on the way back to the room, and then another one about 4 mins later as we passed another store. What?
Once we got back to the room we got dinner ready for everyone and had a drink. We are parched at this point. Come on. After dinner we head back to the park for a few hours after the crowds have died down a weeee bit. Once it got to about 10 we packed it in and headed back to the room. After all we have been going for 18 hours at this point, and for some reason once the buzz wore off I was feeling a little rubber legged at this point. A good night sleep will do wonders for all of us at this point I am sure. We get back to the hotel and Paparazzi tells us we are meeting at 7 to go back to the park. Yes... 7AM!!! So much for that good night sleep. The girls crash out and Hunny sets the alarm on her phone for 6 so we can get up and get ready. She says, "Let's try this rooster alarm." Bad idea. There is nothing in this world like being woke up by the sounds of a artificial rooster on crack... let me tell you.
After doing my best Uncle Shartly, Smut Queen combo impersonation at the wifes phone we lumber our way out to the lobby to met the SC. Within a few steps we are transported into a large group of kids that are about to go to Disneyland. Had a great time in the park during the morning hours. We watched Sleeper Cell kill everything in Buzz Lightyear, Foo just about shit herself on Tower of Terror and The Fuzz and the girls going for a dip on Splash Mountain. Once the crowds came in the afternoon we got out of the park and made our way back to the hotel. Chet, The Fuzz and myself took the damaged vehicle down to the stop to get the leak fixed. Now Pops had warned me that this guy had all of the people skills of a stomach pump before I got there. Like I listened! I walk in and introduce myself to the man and he looks at the badge charm on my necklace and asks if I am a cop. (I wear a badge that honors my grandfather.) I look right at him without a breath and say, "No. But I play one on TV." Not even a blink. The guy just turns and walks out to the shop to write down my information. Yeah. On that note I tell The Fuzz that it is time for a drink! Lucky for us we brought a few beers with us.
The Fuzz calls Smut Queen to see what they are doing and the kids were all on their way back from the pool to eat some lunch and then they were all going to rest for a bit. Sounds like the perfect time to escape! We head over to ESPN Zone for a drink and end up having lunch. Big mistake! We are having an early dinner at Buca di Beppo and with 4 hours to go I went ahead and had a burger that was about the size of a VW Bug. Washed it down with a couple of adult sized Blue Moon's, and as full as a tick off we go. We get back to the hotel and Chet has some work to do and The Fuzz and I go to check on our families. *Side Note* - As I am typing this I can hear, what sounds like, a recycle salvage going on in The Crackers cube! Must be spring cleaning! AHAHAHAH - Everyone is crashed out cold and in my room. I watch the Masters for a little bit and try and get some rest, but at this point I am busting at the seams! Hoping that this too shall pass, I wake the girls up so they can all get ready for dinner and a trip back to the park later that night. We get to dinner and Sleeper Cell buys all of the guys a beer. To give you a hint how full I still was... I did not even get close to finishing that beer. Sad I know. I had about 3 bites of food as The Fuzz tried to rat me out to Hunny that I had been to ESPN Zone without her, and tried to suggest that I ate her favorite menu item as well. Shit disturber!
After they ate we went back to the park for a few rides and to take in the Electric Light Parade one last time before for they take it away forever again, and then bring it back in 5 years in a marketing campaign. Has anyone ever mentioned that people around those parades are a pain in the ass? Or back? Huh Smut Queen? Some little bastard child was kicking her until she lobbed him and his mother the bird before getting up. (OK. Not really, but that would have been some funny ass shit!) We got back to the room once again somewhere around 10 and were warned of the start time for the next days festivities. See you at 7 Paparazzi! God... glad this is a vacation. The plus is it is going to be a short day in the parks because the girl competition starts the following morning and they need some rest. As do I!
Had a great morning in the park and the kids went their own way for a little bit to give us some adult time. Notice I did not say give them some kid time.... yeah we needed the break from them! Nothing like owning 8 cheerleaders between 4 family's. Well that break ended up lasting one ride. They went one way... we went the other... the next thing you know we are all at Thunder Mountain Railroad together. Go figure. After an afternoon of heat we headed back to the hotel so the kids could rest and swim before dinner, and The Fuzz and I ran to go and pickup the Suburban. Couple of beers for travel. We get back to the hotel to find the kids at the pool with Smut Queen, Chet working again, Sleeper Cell starting to get tuned up, Ed and Paprazzi ran to the store and Hunny was not feeling well laying down back in the room. I told her we were going to grab a few drinks and going to head down to the pool to relax for a bit, so she joined us. We sat around and shot the shit for an hour or so, knocked down a few drinks and proceeded to head back and make dinner. After we ate one of the girls from the gym pretty much begged us to throw her in the pool. I think she said something like, "Hey what are you guys doing?" We have heard just about enough of that shit, in the pool you go little lady! Still healing from those claws of hers.
Well it is Saturday morning at 6 and that means that it is time for cheer. Well except for Hunny who has been up tossing her cookies all morning! But the trooper that she is she got Little Miss ready and off they went to the convention center. Thunder and I soon followed with the others who did not have to be there as early to go and watch her team perform. They did a good job, no real errors except the fact that they looked like they were asked to point out a serial killer in a line up without a one way mirror in between them! Odd... they are always a very confident, loosey goosey sort of group. Come to find out the coaches put a bit too much of a "No horsing around." scare into them than they intended too! After being a little stiff they started out in 3rd place after the first day. No worries. They have got it in them to still take it.
Time to go back and get the older girls ready and another prayer to the porcelain gods for Hunny. Thunder and Junior 3 were up next. You can really tell that all of the girls have been running a little ragged down there as they were not quite themselves. A few mistakes here and there, and a very lethargic performance left them in 4th after the first day with some teams that were very solid and clean in front of them. They have got some work to do just to make it to the podium at this point. Maybe that quick trip Thunder and I made back to the park on the down-low the night before to get in a few rides was not the wisest of choices by the old man. I must say it was worth the trip alone just for seeing the little Asian guy in the bathroom taking a leak like a 3 year old with his pants down around his ankles, and his bare ass sticking out as he took his piss. That was some funny shit to see at the Happiest Place on Earth! Guess he was going for the complete kid experience.
That night at dinner before Foo heads over for her turn on the mat with her Senior 5 team we get a text letting us know that the little ones need to be back at 6 the next morning instead of 7. Great. Considering that Foo did not go on until almost 9 that night that quick turnaround could be a killer for the little ones. Like a trooper Little Miss and Hunny were back up at 5 to get ready and go back over to give it their best. I beat Thunder into submission and got her up they left the room so we could get ready and be there to watch her perform. The coaches, having seen the error in their ways, must have told the girls to look like PEZ dispensers because they were smiling so hard their mouths were cutting their heads in half going ear to ear the entire time. They were much better though. They had a lot more energy and were clean as usual. They moved from 3rd to 2nd with that performance, and happy that they moved up at all Little Miss did not shank any judges after the results were announced for poor judgment. The world is safe for one more day.
With a little break between Little Miss and Thunder, Hunny went back to the room to rest up a bit since her stomach is still searching for the prize at the bottom of her belly like a kid riffling through a cereal box. Ed and Paparazzi lend a hand and get Thunder ready and we head over to the competition for check in and let Hunny rest a while longer. She makes it over just in time to watch Junior 3 perform, looking like Dawn of the Dead nonetheless, and was rewarded for her efforts with a solid performance by the girls. They looked so much better! Now it was just a matter of seeing if they did enough to make it to the podium. The three teams in front of them were also very good in their own right, and have the advantage of a higher score that they needed to make up on them. At the awards the call came in that they indeed moved up to 3rd place and they were all VERY happy! The fact that this was Thunders first time of not placing 1st at Nationals was not even a thought in her mind at this point. The fact that they worked their butts off and made the podium against some very solid teams meant the world to these girls. Very proud of them.
On the way back to the hotel for some rest and food, Ed and Sleeper Cell have Thunder convinced that there is a Hidden Mickey in the fountain in the front of the convention center! Absolutely infatuated with finding hidden Mickey's on this trip Thunder heads into the fountain for a gander. Looking on the lower levels, getting her feet and legs wet, was not good enough for Sleeper Cell. He tells Thunder that it is in the bowl at the top of the fountain and that he will give her a dollar if she goes up there to find it. Did he even need to offer it to her at this point? Right up she went and she is looking in the water like there is a lost treasure in there! She is going to lay claim to this hidden Mickey and the world is going to know her name for this find. Well Ed had bought a Mickey magnet earlier in the day and she was going to slip it in there when Thunder was not looking.... oops. She can't find the magnet and Thunder leaves the fountain a little dejected after Chet had to go in there to help her down. Once back at the hotel we ate dinner and then I took the kids, along with Sleeper Cell, Chet, and his crew back to the park for one last night of fun before heading back home the next day. Ed finally finds the magnet and places it on Thunders pillow so she can find it once we get back from the park that night. Her faith is restored!
The next morning Hunny is feeling a little better and so we joined The Fuzz and his crew at the park for a little bit after getting the Suburban all packed up. (They could not go the night before because Foo had yet to perform, or have her awards until after 10 that night.) We got through about 2 rides and then the rain came in and washed our butts out of the park. We stopped off at Rainforest Cafe for a bite to eat and then off to the car to start the ride home. All of this to go to bed and get my ass back up at 5 to come to work again. Now, minus the occasional drink mixed in there every once in a while, (What? Was there a pattern of drinks in there or something?) wasn't that just about the most relaxing vacation ever?
It was a fun trip and one that I look forward to going on each year. The girls all love it and it is amazing how well that they all get along no matter how much time they all spend together year round in and out of the gym.
Speaking of the gym. Little Miss has already tried out for next season and her little 6 year old butt did her back handspring on her own, and was not going to be told no she couldn't by the coaches! You go girl! After her only one full season. She is a freak I tell you. Thunder has her try outs tonight and she has told us she is doing her tuck. The coaches would like her to maybe double team this year and be a flyer on Senior 2 and tumble on Junior 3. Very proud of her and I think that this is going to be a big year of maturity for her in and out of the gym. I just hope that her funny ass personality does not go away with that maturity, because I don't know what I would do with out it. She is one funny ass bitch if you ask me. Just not her mother these days. She is going to string her up!
OK. That is all I got. Here you go Lu... some reading material for you. I hope you all enjoy it.
Toner Boy
Friday, April 16, 2010
Lot's of B & B's in Oakland this morning. No not those...
This is about Birds & Boots!
I know I need to finish the vacation story, but this could not wait!
What is it about great stories coming out of trips in my car these days? I mean I have not had a decent car story to tell since those dating years! Know what I’m sayin... huh? Huh? Yeah baby!!!!
Sorry… had a little flashback and got excited there for a sec. Anywhoooo.
So what seemed to be just another thrilling ride into The National Center of the Mentally Ill, I am about a mile from my exit when the Lord shined down on me to brighten my day. What a guy! I am working my way over to the slow lane to exit the freeway and get a little chuckle at a girl driving a car with one of those ultra cool hanger antennas on it in the slow lane as I move in behind her. I just love those things! What if you were to make them and sell them at the store as a replacement? Would people rip out their perfectly fine working antennas for one of my designer farm animal coat hanger models? Makes you wonder if I am on to something there huh? OK, back to the story. So as I am mid giggle, a 4-Runner darts over from the fast lane and just cuts her off like she was not even there! I mean she is on the shoulder avoiding this dumbass who is talking to the guy in the passenger seat the entire time and did not even flinch when this happens.
As she works her way off the median, antenna flopping around, she goes into a full meltdown! I mean total Smut Queen on this one! I hit my brakes to back off a little and give them some room to play. She darts around him into the lane to his left to pull alongside him to discuss Plato’s theory of metaphysics that he was obviously living in and she was not really there. Her bad! She must have wanted to make sure that he could hear her clearly because between her mixture of sign language and the fact that she was just about out of the passenger window of her car having this poignant discussion showed me that it meant a lot to her. Almost in tears, laughing so hard, I pulled off the freeway reluctantly as they drove on. Utter shame because I wanted to hear his thoughts of Bill Bonner’s theory of stupidity as a defense. (Did you notice that this guy did not even get off the freeway at this off ramp? WTF was the lane change about? Bet she knows!)
How could it get better, right? It does! Turning onto Lakeshore I notice that there have must have been a huge boot sale in Oakland last night and a LOT of people took advantage of it. But you know that thing about sales where there is not a lot of selection so you end up wearing the same thing as the neighbor and once you walk out the door in the morning and see her it is kind of embarrassing? Well let me tell you… there were a LOT of embarrassed folks out at the lake this morning when they opened their doors. There was one more so than the others (even though he must have some visual impairments!) but let’s save him until the end. The boots were all the same, yellow unisex, (Who would need rain boots on such a pretty day, right?) but not rain boots. These are not boots that we would wear ourselves, but make one hell of an accessory for your car! That is right… the Po-Po was out last night doing a lock down on all the scofflaw’s cars they could find. It looked like a car jewelry convention around the lake… fricken hysterical!
Until I see dummy. No not the Dummy in the cast, but just this dumb SOB that must not have had his morning cup of Joe and walked out to his car. As I am going around the lake towards the Funny Farm I see a guy standing by his car with his cell phone in his hand looking a little befuddled. This guy must have been on his phone or off in la-la land when he jumped into his car without noticing this giant yellow clamp attached to his driver’s side rear wheel. This fool must have just got in and started his car and attempted to drive in a hurry to the office on a Friday thinking how great the weekend is going to be once the work day is over. Think again sparky! As he gassed it he must have heard the sound of crumpling metal as the boot swung around, through the plastic bumper of his car, and then imbedded itself into the rear fender next to the gas cap! Son of a BITH! (Yes, I know that it is spelled wrong SC, it was for your benefit, so just save your text messages!) Dude… so NOT going to be a good weekend for him!
As I am laughing and looking at this dip shit in astonishment for his ignorance, over his shoulder I cannot help but notice (The Lake is like a outdoor gym for those who dare to live around here. People are doing yoga, walking, exercising and running around the lake to get in shape during daylight hours all of the time. At night they are just flat ass running for their lives in a completely different activity!) this guy just totally biff it! I mean this guy is going ass over tea kettle, and he just went down like four flat tires on a Buick! I totally lose it! I am laughing and crying at the same time as I try not to piss my pants! There is nothing funnier than watching a human suffering skinned knees and elbows for not watching where he is going while out running at 7 am let me tell you! Dude… stay at home, get some extra sleep and get fat like the rest of us. I think this morning he would agree... it is much less painful.
Still not hold back the tears or laughter as I continue to drive around the lake, I come up to the courthouse intersection. Work is like 50 feet away. The fun has to be over, right? Think again! Still laughing I look over to my right and in the intersection there is a homeless, derelict, crack head, POS with his (?) face all sunk in and looking like one of the witches you see at Halloween made from someone’s old pair of nylons! He (At least I think.) looks over at me wearing a skirt (?) that looks like that it was made from an old set of Motel 6 curtains! I bust out in a full on night at Tommy T’s laugh, and point at him saying (In my best Jackie Gleason voice.) “Sum-Bitch!” as tears roll down my face! I know, I know…. going to hell. But my dear gawd at that point in time, with all of the crap that I have just seen in the last 5 minutes just put me over the top and I just lost it! You would have thought that I was Inez! (For those of you who know her you can totally picture this right now!)
Besides the initial thoughts of the fun you have in cars, and I want to once again thank those of you who made those thoughts possible for me, this was hands down one of the BEST times I have ever had behind the wheel…. alone!!!! What??? I am a guy and all.
Toner Boy
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
News from the front! A meeting of the mindless.....
I interrupt my story with a news flash front the frontlines!
I just came out of a meeting with Penis, Anyway, Mr. Obvious and Catching Flies! Oh my dear Lord!
The meeting was led by Catching Flies and input from Anyway. It was about how permits from each of the cities can now be input through an automated system into a database I created for them earlier in the year. Real riveting crap! But it is also where the humor comes into play! Giving these guys the ability to speak openly to a group is like assuming it is OK for Hason (Fort Hood shooter for those of you drawing a blank!) to play with guns!
I mean this already deadly conversation of boredom was intensified with each breath as neither one of them knew how to convey what it is they wanted to say! Catching Flies opened up with a ton of “Uh’s”, and “Hmmm’s” followed by a truck load of, “Now where was that?” and “What’s this?” As he staggered through this meeting like Mike Tyson in his interview after the Buster Douglas fight, he handed the keys to the car over to Anyway to give us more in depth analysis. That was a great idea!
Anyway proceeds to explain things, as only he could. I want you to imagine Jackie Chan with 67 English words removed from his arsenal and replace all of them with only, “Yeah” or “Anyway” and see how clear of a technical explanation you get! You know when you call tech support about your computer…. yeah you know what I am talking about. “Hello. My name is TO IKNSCo9pH GFshfdawenf Nfo an aksjd’lui1576 how may I help you? Oh yes, yes. Prease unprug your PC and den trype in da followring….” Been there, done that!
Once he is done Penis raises his hand and says, “I have NO clue what you just said. Is anyone else confused?” Well of course not… Anyway worked with Catching Flies on the automation, I created the database and know how all of this crap works already and Mr. Obvious can only say… well, obvious things! So Catching Flies tries as he can to explain this with a Visio file (flowchart) that looks like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum put it together. Arrows and lines going every which way, even without an event occurring that would cause you to take an action. Bubbles filled with colors that should represent actions contain paths and file names in them instead. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MADNESS!?!?!?
Then the fireworks kick into high gear as Catching Flies mouth begins to dry. That is right… the conference room table is starting to be shelled with spit bombs! Penis is nodding off because he has NO clue what in the hell is going on, and Mr. Obvious is over there taking notes that look like etch-a-sketch doodles! I am laughing to myself with each sentence being spoke wondering what the hell I did to deserve this shit!
Catching Flies (And I hate going to the same punching bag again! Pun intended.) is starting to sound like Tyson after leaving a dentist’s office with a mouth full of gauze, or dried spit in his case, and having been overloaded with Novocain! Completely lost in his words he rambles through. Trying to use words that are just too big for him, like; the, and was. Finally be the grace of God he says, “That’s about it. Any questions or area’s you want improved?” How about your ability to speak? Stop winging those balls of white goo at me while you talk! I don’t know… are those tips worth looking into? Penis bounces too and says, “Very good. You guys did a lot of work and this is going to be a useful tool.” Really? On that note.
Toner Boy…. Out.
I just came out of a meeting with Penis, Anyway, Mr. Obvious and Catching Flies! Oh my dear Lord!
The meeting was led by Catching Flies and input from Anyway. It was about how permits from each of the cities can now be input through an automated system into a database I created for them earlier in the year. Real riveting crap! But it is also where the humor comes into play! Giving these guys the ability to speak openly to a group is like assuming it is OK for Hason (Fort Hood shooter for those of you drawing a blank!) to play with guns!
I mean this already deadly conversation of boredom was intensified with each breath as neither one of them knew how to convey what it is they wanted to say! Catching Flies opened up with a ton of “Uh’s”, and “Hmmm’s” followed by a truck load of, “Now where was that?” and “What’s this?” As he staggered through this meeting like Mike Tyson in his interview after the Buster Douglas fight, he handed the keys to the car over to Anyway to give us more in depth analysis. That was a great idea!
Anyway proceeds to explain things, as only he could. I want you to imagine Jackie Chan with 67 English words removed from his arsenal and replace all of them with only, “Yeah” or “Anyway” and see how clear of a technical explanation you get! You know when you call tech support about your computer…. yeah you know what I am talking about. “Hello. My name is TO IKNSCo9pH GFshfdawenf Nfo an aksjd’lui1576 how may I help you? Oh yes, yes. Prease unprug your PC and den trype in da followring….” Been there, done that!
Once he is done Penis raises his hand and says, “I have NO clue what you just said. Is anyone else confused?” Well of course not… Anyway worked with Catching Flies on the automation, I created the database and know how all of this crap works already and Mr. Obvious can only say… well, obvious things! So Catching Flies tries as he can to explain this with a Visio file (flowchart) that looks like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum put it together. Arrows and lines going every which way, even without an event occurring that would cause you to take an action. Bubbles filled with colors that should represent actions contain paths and file names in them instead. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MADNESS!?!?!?
Then the fireworks kick into high gear as Catching Flies mouth begins to dry. That is right… the conference room table is starting to be shelled with spit bombs! Penis is nodding off because he has NO clue what in the hell is going on, and Mr. Obvious is over there taking notes that look like etch-a-sketch doodles! I am laughing to myself with each sentence being spoke wondering what the hell I did to deserve this shit!
Catching Flies (And I hate going to the same punching bag again! Pun intended.) is starting to sound like Tyson after leaving a dentist’s office with a mouth full of gauze, or dried spit in his case, and having been overloaded with Novocain! Completely lost in his words he rambles through. Trying to use words that are just too big for him, like; the, and was. Finally be the grace of God he says, “That’s about it. Any questions or area’s you want improved?” How about your ability to speak? Stop winging those balls of white goo at me while you talk! I don’t know… are those tips worth looking into? Penis bounces too and says, “Very good. You guys did a lot of work and this is going to be a useful tool.” Really? On that note.
Toner Boy…. Out.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Toner Boy in the HOUSE!
Sorry for the delay but Toner Boy had to get away from the office for a few to stretch his legs! A little update from my time away from the Funny Farm.
Thunder and Little Miss had their National Cheer Competition down in Anaheim over the weekend with the Original Gangster SC Cast. (OG-SC)(Members have been noted on The who's who! page.) They cheer for the local gym Athletic Perfection here in Tracy. They love it there and love to cheer! Thunder cheers on their Junior Level 3 team and Little Miss on their Youth Level 1 team.
So time away from the office and a group get away to So. Cal Toner Boy should be good and relaxed, right? No! Don't get me wrong.... had a great time but I know that this was more work than the office. Then again the office is not really work. It is more like a life draining leech that has been attached to my head! Back on topic.... the "vacation", or the 10 days away from the "Crappiest Place on Earth" and a pit stop at the "Happiest Place on Earth".
Let's get this started, shall we? So the first weekend off was Easter weekend and we were busy with the family hiding eggs and having fun like everyone else in American that weekend. Not to mention McLovin's 19th Birthday. Well his birthday was on Monday, but it was the time we were getting together. Had some food, went to the movies and some cake and gifts. Very nice. Went to a late show so we did not make it home until close to 12 that night. Weather was not the best, but hey what can you do, huh? Monday brought shopping for food for our trip to So. Cal. Better food and it saves a few bucks these days! Turbo, Thunder, Little Miss and myself ran to the store and picked up everything that we would need for the trip so I could get everything cooked and ready to go. That night the girls had a showcase down at the gym for the half year teams, some team building for the girls and let family who could not make the trip with us watch them one last time this season.
After getting home from the gym I started cooking for the trip starting with the beef for our taco and nacho nights. The next morning, about 7, I followed that up with some shredded pork Verde, Mexican rice, pot roast and veggies which ended right around 11pm. This is only worth noting because the fact that we are meeting The Fuzz and the family at 4am to drive down to So. Cal! Got in a few winks and got back up at 3 got the car loaded and off we went.
Could someone have mentioned to me that 4am is the magical hour on I-5 that "special needs" people are allowed to venture out onto the road to test their skills? How The Fuzz refrained from pulling a weapon, less then 5 seconds into the trip, and dusting some of the young "stars of tomorrow" is beyond me! Must be all that training they go through that helps them to cope with the stupidity in this world, because I would have unloaded MANY clips! We enter the freeway nose to tail with "GO A.P.!", "A.P. Senior 5 Baby!", and "Junior 3 Rocks!" written all over our car windows. (I am going to guess we know each other!) These two young girls from let's say... out of town, who have a hankering for things like fish heads and rice maybe, are in the BMW daddy bought them in the fast lane cruising about 70. Nothing wrong with that... to each their own, but we are on a mission and a little over 80 is more what we were looking for.
Once we get up to ramming speed I notice that they are not going to move out of the fast lane, so I go around them on the right so we can march to our own drummer. As we pass we see that they are watching a movie or something in the front seat of the car, and may not have noticed us coming up on them. After all it is 4 in the morning and we were the only 3 cars within miles of freeway at this time. Right? WRONG! As I pass the taillights of the Suburban must have converted her from BMW cruising fish head and rice eater, to Kyle Busch because she drove like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth!
After we pass her and roll back into the fast lane a few more cars go by her and have made it into our little group of what The Fuzz has come to know as Daytona! From the back of the draft she starts parting cars like the Red Sea to get back to the front using the slow lane every chance that she got. Then with NO cars in front of her she dives in between The Fuzz's car and mine in the fast lane like a teacher at your first high school dance with you hands buried in your partners denim! After singing her a course of four letter words, not to mention Smut Queen's lobbing flying birds & "F" bombs in their general direction, he hits her with the high beams a few times to make sure she knew how fricken stupid she was. The Fuzz then tried to get back around her only to find the pack had caught up again as well and had him boxed in. Once they had got The Fuzz in their grips the herd slowed their pace down to about 75 and would not let him escape for a mile or two, causing him to drift back.
This was the point in time where it seems the crew chiefs called into all the drivers and told them that it was to early in the race for all of this nonsense and to just stay in line. This has all taken place within 5 minutes of getting on the freeway I shit you not! I was watching all of this happen out my mirror with my cruise set for 83 and at the time setting a pace that would allow some separation of the herd so those could come and go as they please. After his daring escape and Smut Queen hanging out the window yelling slurs about their mothers at the two girls in the BMW with the windows up, watching a movie, and still having no clue what in the hell is going on around them he catches up and we are back in a drafting line again.
Until.... 5 minutes later.... Here they come again. Rolling up in the slow lane they catch us once again... Dear Lord! Almost taunting Smut Queen for more trash talk they literally side draft us for the next 15 miles. Not going any slower, or faster than we are. Sort of tucked in like we are going to protect them. Little do they know Smut Queen has grabbed a gun from her husband at this point and has the laser site pointed at their heads! Still clueless how pissed off they have made the people around them. Here comes a text from Smut Queen to Hunny asking what in the hell their problem is, with puns and jokes from one car to another giving us a morning laugh to help ease the stress that was just caused.
Still never have broken from my cruising speed other then to pause from a truck or two making its pass into the fast lane, I notice that BMW has now placed herself back between both or our cars! Well to test her conviction of driving in our drafting group I press the issue a little more and bring her up to 90. Still she stays right there. OK.. plan B. Down to 70 we go. That got her! She unhitches her car from my bumper and takes off in a blaze of glory in the fast lane. Now I remind you... she started this adventure out doing 70 when we first met! So I set the cruise back to 83 and we get back on track. Guess what? Low and behold.... I see me a BMW once again in about 10 minutes coming back to me in the fast lane. Are you kidding me? Don't any of you kids with us need to pee or something so we can get off the road and separate from this damn car? After all we have been on the road for 45 mins already! None of the adults had their coffee kick in and need a morning stop, drop, and flush?
Well I am happy to report once we got to Anaheim we were without Kyle Busch! My guess is the movie they were watching ended and they realized that they missed their turn off back in Walnut Creek!
Next time.... I pick up where this left off.... from one thing to the next!!!! Just think... this was a few minutes of the drive down, so it can only get better from here. New cast members to be added as well, and Thunder's search for the Hidden Mickey's!
Toner Boy
Thunder and Little Miss had their National Cheer Competition down in Anaheim over the weekend with the Original Gangster SC Cast. (OG-SC)(Members have been noted on The who's who! page.) They cheer for the local gym Athletic Perfection here in Tracy. They love it there and love to cheer! Thunder cheers on their Junior Level 3 team and Little Miss on their Youth Level 1 team.
So time away from the office and a group get away to So. Cal Toner Boy should be good and relaxed, right? No! Don't get me wrong.... had a great time but I know that this was more work than the office. Then again the office is not really work. It is more like a life draining leech that has been attached to my head! Back on topic.... the "vacation", or the 10 days away from the "Crappiest Place on Earth" and a pit stop at the "Happiest Place on Earth".
Let's get this started, shall we? So the first weekend off was Easter weekend and we were busy with the family hiding eggs and having fun like everyone else in American that weekend. Not to mention McLovin's 19th Birthday. Well his birthday was on Monday, but it was the time we were getting together. Had some food, went to the movies and some cake and gifts. Very nice. Went to a late show so we did not make it home until close to 12 that night. Weather was not the best, but hey what can you do, huh? Monday brought shopping for food for our trip to So. Cal. Better food and it saves a few bucks these days! Turbo, Thunder, Little Miss and myself ran to the store and picked up everything that we would need for the trip so I could get everything cooked and ready to go. That night the girls had a showcase down at the gym for the half year teams, some team building for the girls and let family who could not make the trip with us watch them one last time this season.
After getting home from the gym I started cooking for the trip starting with the beef for our taco and nacho nights. The next morning, about 7, I followed that up with some shredded pork Verde, Mexican rice, pot roast and veggies which ended right around 11pm. This is only worth noting because the fact that we are meeting The Fuzz and the family at 4am to drive down to So. Cal! Got in a few winks and got back up at 3 got the car loaded and off we went.
Could someone have mentioned to me that 4am is the magical hour on I-5 that "special needs" people are allowed to venture out onto the road to test their skills? How The Fuzz refrained from pulling a weapon, less then 5 seconds into the trip, and dusting some of the young "stars of tomorrow" is beyond me! Must be all that training they go through that helps them to cope with the stupidity in this world, because I would have unloaded MANY clips! We enter the freeway nose to tail with "GO A.P.!", "A.P. Senior 5 Baby!", and "Junior 3 Rocks!" written all over our car windows. (I am going to guess we know each other!) These two young girls from let's say... out of town, who have a hankering for things like fish heads and rice maybe, are in the BMW daddy bought them in the fast lane cruising about 70. Nothing wrong with that... to each their own, but we are on a mission and a little over 80 is more what we were looking for.
Once we get up to ramming speed I notice that they are not going to move out of the fast lane, so I go around them on the right so we can march to our own drummer. As we pass we see that they are watching a movie or something in the front seat of the car, and may not have noticed us coming up on them. After all it is 4 in the morning and we were the only 3 cars within miles of freeway at this time. Right? WRONG! As I pass the taillights of the Suburban must have converted her from BMW cruising fish head and rice eater, to Kyle Busch because she drove like the biggest asshole on the face of the earth!
After we pass her and roll back into the fast lane a few more cars go by her and have made it into our little group of what The Fuzz has come to know as Daytona! From the back of the draft she starts parting cars like the Red Sea to get back to the front using the slow lane every chance that she got. Then with NO cars in front of her she dives in between The Fuzz's car and mine in the fast lane like a teacher at your first high school dance with you hands buried in your partners denim! After singing her a course of four letter words, not to mention Smut Queen's lobbing flying birds & "F" bombs in their general direction, he hits her with the high beams a few times to make sure she knew how fricken stupid she was. The Fuzz then tried to get back around her only to find the pack had caught up again as well and had him boxed in. Once they had got The Fuzz in their grips the herd slowed their pace down to about 75 and would not let him escape for a mile or two, causing him to drift back.
This was the point in time where it seems the crew chiefs called into all the drivers and told them that it was to early in the race for all of this nonsense and to just stay in line. This has all taken place within 5 minutes of getting on the freeway I shit you not! I was watching all of this happen out my mirror with my cruise set for 83 and at the time setting a pace that would allow some separation of the herd so those could come and go as they please. After his daring escape and Smut Queen hanging out the window yelling slurs about their mothers at the two girls in the BMW with the windows up, watching a movie, and still having no clue what in the hell is going on around them he catches up and we are back in a drafting line again.
Until.... 5 minutes later.... Here they come again. Rolling up in the slow lane they catch us once again... Dear Lord! Almost taunting Smut Queen for more trash talk they literally side draft us for the next 15 miles. Not going any slower, or faster than we are. Sort of tucked in like we are going to protect them. Little do they know Smut Queen has grabbed a gun from her husband at this point and has the laser site pointed at their heads! Still clueless how pissed off they have made the people around them. Here comes a text from Smut Queen to Hunny asking what in the hell their problem is, with puns and jokes from one car to another giving us a morning laugh to help ease the stress that was just caused.
Still never have broken from my cruising speed other then to pause from a truck or two making its pass into the fast lane, I notice that BMW has now placed herself back between both or our cars! Well to test her conviction of driving in our drafting group I press the issue a little more and bring her up to 90. Still she stays right there. OK.. plan B. Down to 70 we go. That got her! She unhitches her car from my bumper and takes off in a blaze of glory in the fast lane. Now I remind you... she started this adventure out doing 70 when we first met! So I set the cruise back to 83 and we get back on track. Guess what? Low and behold.... I see me a BMW once again in about 10 minutes coming back to me in the fast lane. Are you kidding me? Don't any of you kids with us need to pee or something so we can get off the road and separate from this damn car? After all we have been on the road for 45 mins already! None of the adults had their coffee kick in and need a morning stop, drop, and flush?
Well I am happy to report once we got to Anaheim we were without Kyle Busch! My guess is the movie they were watching ended and they realized that they missed their turn off back in Walnut Creek!
Next time.... I pick up where this left off.... from one thing to the next!!!! Just think... this was a few minutes of the drive down, so it can only get better from here. New cast members to be added as well, and Thunder's search for the Hidden Mickey's!
Toner Boy
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