After last night I have to start this week off by talking about Russell and just how dumb he really is on Survivor. Sure the guy had the ability to scare everyone out of the game to get himself to the final 3, but he can't figure out how that does not equate to a win when it is all said and done! How blind are you dude? Don't get me wrong... season 19 I thought that the guy was fun to watch and should have won the show because he had played the game better than the rest, and in a way that no one had in previous seasons. This season, mixed in with so many stars from previous years, he was nothing more than a cocky twerp that none of them had ever seen or heard of before. This fool was acting like the almighty God and that lying to all of them would be worth getting paid in the end. These are not a bunch of green simpletons that you are playing with and they understand the difference between game play and a person with a little mans complex and a forked tongue. I was laughing my ass off when Jeff kept trying to point out to him how dumb his really is because if he were to learn to play that last 1/3 of the game that he ignores, he might have been the best person to ever play the game. Game... yeah OK.... I love the show but it is the biggest crap shoot, popularity contest on TV.
Now on with my show....
Had a good weekend. Stayed home from work on Friday with a sore back from carrying all of this weight that I vent about on here! It was nice though. Got to do some running around with Hunny and go have some lunch. It has been a real long time since we were able to do that and even though I was a pissy asshole because my back was giving me a headache I enjoyed my day. Once we got home we got the girls ready and went over to the school for the carnival they were having. We all helped out in the AP booth and her and one of the coaches talked to a LOT of girls about coming out to cheer. The kids did some tumbling on a mat that they brought and put on a bit of a show that all of the kids enjoyed watching. Little Miss must have done 200 back handsprings while we were there! There was a little boy (OK... little is being nice. Two inches taller and he would be perfectly round!) who was rolling on the mat thinking that he was tumbling and Little Miss was looking at him and rolling her eyes like, "Dude, get up. You are not doing anything and you are wasting my mat time!" It was pretty funny to watch the expressions on her face to be honest. Albert was there for a bit with the boys and we hung out and shot the shit until his visions of pizza and beer at home got the best of him.
Saturday did some clean up around the house and put together a nice nap in the living room. Went over to The Fuzz and Smut Queen's place for some cocktails and grub. The girls did some swimming while The Fuzz and I had a few beers as I made mango salsa and blue cheese stuffed burgers. I am a little rusty, but I still got it. We sat outside after we ate and hung out. The Fuzz and I threw quarters in the pool as the kids tried to find them. All I can hear right now is Smut Queen yelling at the top of her lungs, "Foo!... Boob!" as she tried a little too hard to get the quarters before the little ones could! My beer almost shot out my nose as I laughed and looked the other way in time not to have that impression burned into my brain.
We went inside for some cake after nearly loosing an eye and got a call from Turbo. She proceeds to tell me that that old folks and McLovin are out at The Wildlife hanging out enjoying the nice weather and making s'mores. Then it happens. The s'mores have had enough of being America's campfire food and they attack! And it could only be Uncle Shartly this would happen to! As he toasts his marshmallow over the campfire too close, it does what marshmallows do and catches fire. He proceeds to try and put out his molten ball of sugar fluff like anyone else and shakes his stick. The problem comes from the stick and marshmallow being in constant communication during this process and the marshmallow convinces the stick to play the roll of a catapulting device in order for the marshmallow to invoke its revenge! After a few shakes the marshmallow builds up the proper momentum, acquires its target, and releases from his new buddy the stick and in a flaming ball of glory adheres itself, still ablaze mind you, onto Uncle Shartly's cheek and nose! The entire time McLovin is watching this unfold right in front of his eyes and looks on in intrigued astonishment as Uncle Shartly tries to beat the fire out on his face! Needless to say the member of the s'mores family chalked up a win for the team as Uncle Shartly moaned in anguish as he peeled the marshmallow and skin fragments from his face in the motor home bathroom! Eat carrot sticks.... their safe!
Sunday we finished cleaning around the house and then went over to Pop's and Turbo's for a BBQ. Turbo and I ran to Costco and grabbed some tri-tip's and some other goodies for me to cook up. Had McLovin scrub 5 months of winter off of my car just in time for it to rain again last night while I cooked. Thank you Mother Nature. Glad someone out there has a sense of humor! Uncle Shartly and Lu stopped by to eat. His face and her stomach have both recovered from the night before. Sore, but they will pull through.
Smut Queen is one step closer to her filthy words hitting our book stands! Check it out here ladies! Guys you may want to take a look to since you will be the ones asked to complete this roll play at home, or the car, later! Those ladies who are selfish out there and keep all of that excitement to yourselves and your pocket pal. Fore shame! Let me let you in on a little secret.... guys are happy to help! Why is it that a woman has no problems asking her man to "help" by throwing garbage, beating the kids, cleaning up after pets, cleaning the garage, wash dishes... but when she could "REALLY" use a hand there is not a peep said? WTF? Get on our good sides now ladies because when hot flashes kick in and you're walking around dry humping the air you are going to want us to be your new best friend! (Or at least a person with a penis that can play a facsimile of us for you!) Also Smut Queen says buying her book is thanks enough and please don't send her pictures showing her how close you and your boy toy were to recreating these moments!!!!! If you would like to share though you can email me at tonerbo..... =oÞ
Real quick we are having our raffle ticket fundraiser for the girls cheer season and we are giving away $500 cash to the winner. If you would like to get a ticket or 10 drop me a line. It does not matter where in the world you are... money travels! If you are part of Facebook you can get more information here. Tickets are only $3 each and there are deals if you want to buy more! If you are in the area we are having a BBQ, poker and Bunco event out in Tracy the day we draw for the winner!
I am done. Keep an eye out of her book and go buy it! (I plan on a five finger discount of one from her house the next time I am there and see a copy laying around. Yeah... I am now a cheap bastard! I said it.)
Toner Boy
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The world is coming to an end!
I got nothing.
So in lieu of my tidbits on knowledge here are a few funny thoughts.
_________
I am pissed that I have always eaten women plain when I heard I could get them battered.
If eyes are the window to your soul, then the zipper is the window to your underwear.
Who would ever want to take a shit?
Isn't a blog just a place for a person to be a documented liar?
To those people who go onto the field during firework night at the ballgame. - Do you watch what the players do to the field everyday when they are out there before you go lay on the grass? No thank you.
Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but yet everyone does it time and time again. If you were told you would have the same odds your parachute would open when skydiving would you still do it? I thought not. Guess you better make sure you have the right parachute in your life.
When we were kids weren't we still eating paste and still learning multiplication in the 4th grade? Why is it that my 6 year old in the 1st grade has never eaten paste, and knows all of her multiplication facts already? Aren't they allowed to be kids anymore?
They say America is safer today then it was 30 years ago. If you agree with that statement raise your hand. No? OK... Maybe it is safer because most parents won't let their kids out of their sight in this day and age for fear of what may happen to them. Ever consider that?
How is it that you can eat corn and the very next time you shit it will be there looking unchewed, but gum which has been chewed for hours won't come out for 7 years?
If more parents were actual parents and not friends to their kids, do you think that we would have half of the problems with crime that we do today? Kids respond to two things. Loud noises and pain. Be a parent, not a friend. They will respect you, and those around them a lot more as they grow.
If they say the worse thing you can do in your life is live with regret, why do so many people ignore that fact and live their entire lives that way?
Isn't a booger just dried nose sweat?
People make fun of Mayberry, I am jealous of it.
Why is it that I man could be bleeding from his eyes, have 3 broken ribs and be suffering from migraine, but if his wife offers him sex he will do a back handspring out of his clothes to do what she pleases in a room full of loud music and flashing lights no matter how bad it hurts. Yet if she had someone hang up on her during the day at work from a dialing a wrong number, or got a paper cut she is closed for business? Guess it is true... there is no pleasing women.
If you need me to type this in Spanish, Press 2.
If a person pleads not guilty, and is found to be guilty, shouldn't there be an additional penalty for that? I know if I would lie to my parents growing up there was a penalty. So why is it OK in our court of law?
If the world is one of instant gratification, doesn't it make it one of instant pain and suffering as well?
It is a fact that dogs lick their ass. So why do so many people let them lick their face?
If humor is the best medicine, then why are so many people afraid to laugh?
If news of heinous crimes were never reported, would others ever get the idea to do the same thing?
So do you get pissed at friends that don't talk to you for a long time, or do you miss them more?
And finally...
Smile. It's infectious. Unless your Crystal Bowersox. That appears to be an infection.
Thank you... I will be here all week.
Toner Boy
So in lieu of my tidbits on knowledge here are a few funny thoughts.
_________
I am pissed that I have always eaten women plain when I heard I could get them battered.
If eyes are the window to your soul, then the zipper is the window to your underwear.
Who would ever want to take a shit?
Isn't a blog just a place for a person to be a documented liar?
To those people who go onto the field during firework night at the ballgame. - Do you watch what the players do to the field everyday when they are out there before you go lay on the grass? No thank you.
Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but yet everyone does it time and time again. If you were told you would have the same odds your parachute would open when skydiving would you still do it? I thought not. Guess you better make sure you have the right parachute in your life.
When we were kids weren't we still eating paste and still learning multiplication in the 4th grade? Why is it that my 6 year old in the 1st grade has never eaten paste, and knows all of her multiplication facts already? Aren't they allowed to be kids anymore?
They say America is safer today then it was 30 years ago. If you agree with that statement raise your hand. No? OK... Maybe it is safer because most parents won't let their kids out of their sight in this day and age for fear of what may happen to them. Ever consider that?
How is it that you can eat corn and the very next time you shit it will be there looking unchewed, but gum which has been chewed for hours won't come out for 7 years?
If more parents were actual parents and not friends to their kids, do you think that we would have half of the problems with crime that we do today? Kids respond to two things. Loud noises and pain. Be a parent, not a friend. They will respect you, and those around them a lot more as they grow.
If they say the worse thing you can do in your life is live with regret, why do so many people ignore that fact and live their entire lives that way?
Isn't a booger just dried nose sweat?
People make fun of Mayberry, I am jealous of it.
Why is it that I man could be bleeding from his eyes, have 3 broken ribs and be suffering from migraine, but if his wife offers him sex he will do a back handspring out of his clothes to do what she pleases in a room full of loud music and flashing lights no matter how bad it hurts. Yet if she had someone hang up on her during the day at work from a dialing a wrong number, or got a paper cut she is closed for business? Guess it is true... there is no pleasing women.
If you need me to type this in Spanish, Press 2.
If a person pleads not guilty, and is found to be guilty, shouldn't there be an additional penalty for that? I know if I would lie to my parents growing up there was a penalty. So why is it OK in our court of law?
If the world is one of instant gratification, doesn't it make it one of instant pain and suffering as well?
It is a fact that dogs lick their ass. So why do so many people let them lick their face?
If humor is the best medicine, then why are so many people afraid to laugh?
If news of heinous crimes were never reported, would others ever get the idea to do the same thing?
So do you get pissed at friends that don't talk to you for a long time, or do you miss them more?
And finally...
Smile. It's infectious. Unless your Crystal Bowersox. That appears to be an infection.
Thank you... I will be here all week.
Toner Boy
Monday, May 10, 2010
Odd.... I am not a grumplepuss today.
Maybe it is because I am leaving at 12 to go finish working on Thunder's science project and I don't have to be here at The Great Space Coaster all day, or the fact that I had a great weekend. Either way damn good day for a Monday!
Had a good weekend catching up with Zebra and Game Time on Saturday night as we were out with After 6 and Monkey for a bite to eat and some drinks. Just sort of picked up right where we left off as a group and had a good time. Hunny made a new, old friend in Ta-Keel-Ya. Personally I think I am going to start slipping it into everything she eats or drinks!
Mother's Day was great as we went over to Turbo's and me and Pops went and bought food for all the ladies and I got my cook on! Made salmon 2 ways, (Italian Herb and Cajun Sweet & Spicy) Italian Brussels sprouts with red pepper, smashed garlic potato cakes, BBQ chicken and burgers for the kids. We wrapped up dinner with a game of cards and watched Lu beat on Pops for the two of us cheating (So they think!) at our end of the table. We are pretty bad cheats, because we both lost!
I know my lack of crankiness is not sitting well on your reading palate today so I am keeping this one short and sweet today.
I will say that Penis is missing today (Not mine!) so it is a little nicer being here.
Influenza sounds like Ferris Bueller over there playing the keyboard when he was sick with shit squirting out of her every which way.
Wall Street is a fricken joke.
Huckaby pleads guilty this morning and is going to burn in hell as she should. Sick bith! (That's for you Ed!) If they give her anything less then a life sentence then a second crime would be committed! (June 12th they can sentence her anywhere from 25 years to life without parole.)
My left hand itches which either tells me that it misses me, or there is a money windfall coming my way. I hope it keeps missing me for a long ass time!
Damn it! Influenza just came over to ask me for help and she kept wanting me to sit down in her chair and work on her computer. No, No, No Rose! I will tell you what to fix lady, and if that does not work I will go back to my desk to work on your shit remotely where it is much safer! I am not about to touch your snot spattered keyboard and mouse! There are wads of used Kleenex on her desk, cold pills, hot tea and what I thought was real funny a bottle of Spic 'n Span! I am taking my Germ X bath as we speak!
Someone put a quarter in Mr. Fro-Rogers this morning because he has come over to my little pleasure palace here and has ear fucked me without even a kiss for the last half hour. Blah, blah, blah.... Dude, go home and do that shit to your wife. Don't sit here and rape me! Your wife's parts are made for this sort of beating, and my ear... not so much!
Creeper has got some new shoes, but he needs to remove the $7 in change in his pockets if he wants to go around on the down low.
Cracker just busted his second soda at 10:11 this morning. Oh... and I hear a bag of chips as well!
I think that is all she wrote for today. Catch you next time I am in a crappy mood so you can enjoy your read a little more!
Toner Boy.... Ta-Keee-La! (You know in that little voice from the end of the Shimmy Shimmy Cocoa Bop song!) (Bet you sing it all day now. Just sayin.)
Had a good weekend catching up with Zebra and Game Time on Saturday night as we were out with After 6 and Monkey for a bite to eat and some drinks. Just sort of picked up right where we left off as a group and had a good time. Hunny made a new, old friend in Ta-Keel-Ya. Personally I think I am going to start slipping it into everything she eats or drinks!
Mother's Day was great as we went over to Turbo's and me and Pops went and bought food for all the ladies and I got my cook on! Made salmon 2 ways, (Italian Herb and Cajun Sweet & Spicy) Italian Brussels sprouts with red pepper, smashed garlic potato cakes, BBQ chicken and burgers for the kids. We wrapped up dinner with a game of cards and watched Lu beat on Pops for the two of us cheating (So they think!) at our end of the table. We are pretty bad cheats, because we both lost!
I know my lack of crankiness is not sitting well on your reading palate today so I am keeping this one short and sweet today.
I will say that Penis is missing today (Not mine!) so it is a little nicer being here.
Influenza sounds like Ferris Bueller over there playing the keyboard when he was sick with shit squirting out of her every which way.
Wall Street is a fricken joke.
Huckaby pleads guilty this morning and is going to burn in hell as she should. Sick bith! (That's for you Ed!) If they give her anything less then a life sentence then a second crime would be committed! (June 12th they can sentence her anywhere from 25 years to life without parole.)
My left hand itches which either tells me that it misses me, or there is a money windfall coming my way. I hope it keeps missing me for a long ass time!
Damn it! Influenza just came over to ask me for help and she kept wanting me to sit down in her chair and work on her computer. No, No, No Rose! I will tell you what to fix lady, and if that does not work I will go back to my desk to work on your shit remotely where it is much safer! I am not about to touch your snot spattered keyboard and mouse! There are wads of used Kleenex on her desk, cold pills, hot tea and what I thought was real funny a bottle of Spic 'n Span! I am taking my Germ X bath as we speak!
Someone put a quarter in Mr. Fro-Rogers this morning because he has come over to my little pleasure palace here and has ear fucked me without even a kiss for the last half hour. Blah, blah, blah.... Dude, go home and do that shit to your wife. Don't sit here and rape me! Your wife's parts are made for this sort of beating, and my ear... not so much!
Creeper has got some new shoes, but he needs to remove the $7 in change in his pockets if he wants to go around on the down low.
Cracker just busted his second soda at 10:11 this morning. Oh... and I hear a bag of chips as well!
I think that is all she wrote for today. Catch you next time I am in a crappy mood so you can enjoy your read a little more!
Toner Boy.... Ta-Keee-La! (You know in that little voice from the end of the Shimmy Shimmy Cocoa Bop song!) (Bet you sing it all day now. Just sayin.)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
From Toner Boy to...
Science Boy! Helping Thunder this morning do her project for her science fair next week. Should be good. After all it is about food, and who better to help her screw that up?
There are some new additions to The who's who, so make sure you stay on top of things!
It was a quiet end to the week on the front lines. Hack came out and had lunch with me at the 5 star, I mean dollar, Subway. Exquisite. The Spicy Italian was never better. The sandwich was pretty good as well. It was good to see Hack, it had been a while. Damn that fucker gets uglier with age. Poor bastard.
Hunny, Monkey and some of the girls went to see The Nuts last night. No not mine. I was sad too. The Modesto Nuts. So the girls and I, after Snap, Crackle & Pop's game, went over to Turbo's to hang out for a bit. After 6 joined us for a cocktail and we looked for flights to the night Bristol race coming up in August. We think we are going to the the total bender! The red eye there on Wednesday night from SFO, and the do the all nighter on Saturday. After the race we will burn an hour or two at a bar and then drive back down to Charlotte to fly out at the butt crack of dawn on Sunday morning. God help us!
We are going to request the services of Keystone Cop and park at his place on Wednesday night so he take us over to the airport, and pick us back up when we get into town on Sunday afternoon. I am sure this will go over like a fart in church! I may have to sober up once we land long enough to cook a meal for him and Live @ 5 before we can head home as a repayment. It will be fun to get their kitchen dirty! After all of this I am sure After 6 and I will have to stop off in the city for one last drink before we head back home. Shame.
Going out for some drinks tonight with Hunny, Monkey, After 6, Zebra and Game Time for a late birthday, early Mother's Day sort of thing. It will be good. Maybe a little odd at first, but good. I have not seen Zebra and Game Time in almost a year now. The have had a rough year personally, and it kills me that we don't spend time with them like we used too. But they have had a rough stretch of road, and have needed their space from a lot of the hoopla the comes with us white folks! Just wanted to remind them that I love them and their family as if it were my own. Great people and I hope they know what they mean to a lot of us! (I know... where is the laughing shit asshole?)
Mother's Day tomorrow for those of you not paying attention and are reading my blog instead of out shopping! Going to go with Pop's in the morning to get some food to make for all the ladies so we can wish them a Happy Mother's day proper like. Nothing over the top. Maybe just some salmon, veggies and a salad. Nice, light and full of flavor. Yep that's right.... going to get my cook on.
McLovin went out and saw Corn to get his tat touched up yesterday. Corn gave me a call after and let the cat out of the bag because I had no idea that McLovin was going to be out there. Had to admit I was jealous. What is so cool about McLovin's tat... if you put a flashlight to his chest an image of the tattoo on his back gets projected onto the wall behind him!
Corn said that I need to get back in the chair so we can finish some of out previous work, and that he would either make a run out on the down low to come see me here in town, or maybe we could set something up where I can make time to get into the shop. I think I will have to tempt him out here with some food! Not to mention a place to crash because he just might be out here a few days as I see requests from Tracy pouring onto his Facebook page for a roadie! Time to get that travel box ready bro! For the rest of you... the line forms here! Also, I hate to tell ya'll, but I have MANY hours worth of work to do so we will see you on day 2! Oh yeah... and bring cash. What will it be dawg? Rocky Mountain Oysters? Menudo? Or should I go with what the others will eat and maybe a rib BBQ? Some deep fried mango salsa and blue cheese burgers? Huh, huh? You know you want to come and get your grub on!
Off to play with my food.
Until next week, or some real funny crap that springs up this weekend! I know this one was sort of blahzie, mushy, facty sorta stuff and ya'll want the pee factor. Chill peeps... I will get my game on!
Must be running low on toner or something.
Toner Boy
There are some new additions to The who's who, so make sure you stay on top of things!
It was a quiet end to the week on the front lines. Hack came out and had lunch with me at the 5 star, I mean dollar, Subway. Exquisite. The Spicy Italian was never better. The sandwich was pretty good as well. It was good to see Hack, it had been a while. Damn that fucker gets uglier with age. Poor bastard.
Hunny, Monkey and some of the girls went to see The Nuts last night. No not mine. I was sad too. The Modesto Nuts. So the girls and I, after Snap, Crackle & Pop's game, went over to Turbo's to hang out for a bit. After 6 joined us for a cocktail and we looked for flights to the night Bristol race coming up in August. We think we are going to the the total bender! The red eye there on Wednesday night from SFO, and the do the all nighter on Saturday. After the race we will burn an hour or two at a bar and then drive back down to Charlotte to fly out at the butt crack of dawn on Sunday morning. God help us!
We are going to request the services of Keystone Cop and park at his place on Wednesday night so he take us over to the airport, and pick us back up when we get into town on Sunday afternoon. I am sure this will go over like a fart in church! I may have to sober up once we land long enough to cook a meal for him and Live @ 5 before we can head home as a repayment. It will be fun to get their kitchen dirty! After all of this I am sure After 6 and I will have to stop off in the city for one last drink before we head back home. Shame.
Going out for some drinks tonight with Hunny, Monkey, After 6, Zebra and Game Time for a late birthday, early Mother's Day sort of thing. It will be good. Maybe a little odd at first, but good. I have not seen Zebra and Game Time in almost a year now. The have had a rough year personally, and it kills me that we don't spend time with them like we used too. But they have had a rough stretch of road, and have needed their space from a lot of the hoopla the comes with us white folks! Just wanted to remind them that I love them and their family as if it were my own. Great people and I hope they know what they mean to a lot of us! (I know... where is the laughing shit asshole?)
Mother's Day tomorrow for those of you not paying attention and are reading my blog instead of out shopping! Going to go with Pop's in the morning to get some food to make for all the ladies so we can wish them a Happy Mother's day proper like. Nothing over the top. Maybe just some salmon, veggies and a salad. Nice, light and full of flavor. Yep that's right.... going to get my cook on.
McLovin went out and saw Corn to get his tat touched up yesterday. Corn gave me a call after and let the cat out of the bag because I had no idea that McLovin was going to be out there. Had to admit I was jealous. What is so cool about McLovin's tat... if you put a flashlight to his chest an image of the tattoo on his back gets projected onto the wall behind him!
Corn said that I need to get back in the chair so we can finish some of out previous work, and that he would either make a run out on the down low to come see me here in town, or maybe we could set something up where I can make time to get into the shop. I think I will have to tempt him out here with some food! Not to mention a place to crash because he just might be out here a few days as I see requests from Tracy pouring onto his Facebook page for a roadie! Time to get that travel box ready bro! For the rest of you... the line forms here! Also, I hate to tell ya'll, but I have MANY hours worth of work to do so we will see you on day 2! Oh yeah... and bring cash. What will it be dawg? Rocky Mountain Oysters? Menudo? Or should I go with what the others will eat and maybe a rib BBQ? Some deep fried mango salsa and blue cheese burgers? Huh, huh? You know you want to come and get your grub on!
Off to play with my food.
Until next week, or some real funny crap that springs up this weekend! I know this one was sort of blahzie, mushy, facty sorta stuff and ya'll want the pee factor. Chill peeps... I will get my game on!
Must be running low on toner or something.
Toner Boy
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Man's best friend... yeah right!
There are a few things that I do not mind about my drive into work and the occasional laughter is one of them.
As I am driving around the Lake to the office this morning I was spending a few minutes appreciating the exercise gear worn in the warmer months by a few of the fit ladies out for their morning run. (It is only looking, so save your comments!) There is a grass buffer between the sidewalk and the street where I see a heavy set man and his dog who has just finished his morning business. (It is SO much better than the mornings where I drive by in time to see a dog in his military hunch, grinding one out with a look on his face like, "Uhhhh I needed to drink more water." or, "Did you have to feed me that peanut butter you asshole?" and looking at you in your car as you drive past.)
I only mention that the person was heavy set, OK fat, because once his dog has done his doodie it was time for the owner to do his duty. The man starts to squat down with his plastic bag on his right hand and his dogs leash in his left. To brace himself he places his left hand on his knee as he reaches to wrap his right hand around that warm grass cookie left behind by his best friend. Well his buddy has his own agenda and certain things seem to take precedence over the fact that "Master" is picking up your feces with his own hand. Yeah I know there is a plastic bag between the two, but come on! It is paper thin! You know as he is grabbing this warm pile of reworked table scraps from the night before that he wants to gag as he can feel the heat transfer from it to his palm!
As his fat ass had just about corralled that last chunk of warm butt brownie into his hand, not to mention that I am sure he is just about out of breath from the pressure being applied to his ribcage from his gut... it happens. Ever see the movie UP? Then the term, "Squirrel!" means a lot to you right about now. Something catches the dogs eye as the man is fumbling with the turds trying to grab them all with a precise grip. (Come on... grip it too soft and you just keep dropping the butt nuggets like he was doing. But if you grip it to firm you take the chance of your finger going through that hand condom and right into poop. Now tell me... which grip are you going to lean towards? Yeah... you would be fumbling the dogs crap as well!) With no regard for his best friend who is out of breath and picking up his shit with his hand the dog goes "Squirrel!" on his ass!
The dog attempts to dart across the street for something more appealing to him while the slack in the leash has become a thing of the past, and it looks like a fishing line going taut with a monster on the hook! This in turn yanks the mans hand off of his knee which he is using to still allow a few wisps of wind into his lungs as he braced for his morning Easter egg hunt. "And DOOOWWWN goes Frazier!!!! Down goes Fraizer!" This poor man with his arm half ripped out of the socket does a face plant. Lucky for him that he is still on this mow strip of grass, and that his dogs crap is in his hand and not embedded into his teeth at this point. I do have 20:1 odds that the surprise of his dog bolting made increase that squeeze factor of his right hand a weee bit higher than he would have cared to. He bet he will go and wash his hands extra good this morning and avoids picking his teeth with those 5 fingers any time soon. Just sayin.
I am easily entertained. What can I say?
Toner Boy
As I am driving around the Lake to the office this morning I was spending a few minutes appreciating the exercise gear worn in the warmer months by a few of the fit ladies out for their morning run. (It is only looking, so save your comments!) There is a grass buffer between the sidewalk and the street where I see a heavy set man and his dog who has just finished his morning business. (It is SO much better than the mornings where I drive by in time to see a dog in his military hunch, grinding one out with a look on his face like, "Uhhhh I needed to drink more water." or, "Did you have to feed me that peanut butter you asshole?" and looking at you in your car as you drive past.)
I only mention that the person was heavy set, OK fat, because once his dog has done his doodie it was time for the owner to do his duty. The man starts to squat down with his plastic bag on his right hand and his dogs leash in his left. To brace himself he places his left hand on his knee as he reaches to wrap his right hand around that warm grass cookie left behind by his best friend. Well his buddy has his own agenda and certain things seem to take precedence over the fact that "Master" is picking up your feces with his own hand. Yeah I know there is a plastic bag between the two, but come on! It is paper thin! You know as he is grabbing this warm pile of reworked table scraps from the night before that he wants to gag as he can feel the heat transfer from it to his palm!
As his fat ass had just about corralled that last chunk of warm butt brownie into his hand, not to mention that I am sure he is just about out of breath from the pressure being applied to his ribcage from his gut... it happens. Ever see the movie UP? Then the term, "Squirrel!" means a lot to you right about now. Something catches the dogs eye as the man is fumbling with the turds trying to grab them all with a precise grip. (Come on... grip it too soft and you just keep dropping the butt nuggets like he was doing. But if you grip it to firm you take the chance of your finger going through that hand condom and right into poop. Now tell me... which grip are you going to lean towards? Yeah... you would be fumbling the dogs crap as well!) With no regard for his best friend who is out of breath and picking up his shit with his hand the dog goes "Squirrel!" on his ass!
The dog attempts to dart across the street for something more appealing to him while the slack in the leash has become a thing of the past, and it looks like a fishing line going taut with a monster on the hook! This in turn yanks the mans hand off of his knee which he is using to still allow a few wisps of wind into his lungs as he braced for his morning Easter egg hunt. "And DOOOWWWN goes Frazier!!!! Down goes Fraizer!" This poor man with his arm half ripped out of the socket does a face plant. Lucky for him that he is still on this mow strip of grass, and that his dogs crap is in his hand and not embedded into his teeth at this point. I do have 20:1 odds that the surprise of his dog bolting made increase that squeeze factor of his right hand a weee bit higher than he would have cared to. He bet he will go and wash his hands extra good this morning and avoids picking his teeth with those 5 fingers any time soon. Just sayin.
I am easily entertained. What can I say?
Toner Boy
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A Twit. Or is that Tweet? Sorta thing....
Real quick.... (Well as Twitterish as I get.)
Influenza has to have, what I assume has to be, typhoid or malaria at this point. Her sinuses are so fucked up when she sneezes now and the pressure builds up and it sounds like a party favor when it releases after each sneeze. Aaaahhh chewwww! Followed right after by, Ssqqwweeeee... Funny ass shit. She is almost like a 3 piece band!
Cracker just busted open his 4th soda of the day before the 11 o'clock hour struck.
Mr. Obvious and Trekkie are being royal pains in the ass today as they bombard me with stupidity.
Mo had her monitor go out this morning and she called me to replace it. Once I was over there swapping it out for her she apologized for "not being considerate" last week. Just when I think I have people figured out, she goes and says shes sorry. Whatever you bitch. I hope your girlfriends tongue falls off.
Those that were nice enough to Mega Lotto prayer for me last week, I ask for your well wishes once again tonight. For those who don't want to join in... may a family of ticks take up residence in your shorts!
Don't forget fellas that Mothers Day is this weekend. Show those special ladies in your life what they have meant to you and your kids. For those of you with more than 1 special lady in your life, after counting your mother of course, all the best of luck to you on not saying the wrong name during the day as you travel from lady to lady. Makes it real hard for you to sell them on you giving them some "special day" lovin!
Penis just either had some "air in the line" when he climaxed, or just had a real chunky burp when he walked by. What the hell is this? "Get your gas out corner!" I swear... do they not see me sitting here? I am going to go into my next meeting with him and just blow ass until he wants to heave just to prove a point. My Lord.
I think Ice Shaker has ants in his pants because he has gotten up from his desk no less than 20 times today to walk out to the lobby. God only knows what in the hell he is doing, but I feel like he is running track around my cube I have seen his bald ass head go by so many times!
Working on another overworked spreadsheet with Anyway again today. Someone please help me! No? OK, then please help him get the words out. I just want to hit him on the back of the head sometimes because I think that he is stuck!
Still need that fucking bell for Wigglesworth!
One of the auditors needed help with a formula for his spreadsheet today and all I did was ask him a simple question of what factors he was using to try and get his answer. You would have thought that I had asked him who he was cheating on his wife with! There was so much deliberation and hemming and hawing going on it was not even funny. Finally I just told him to show me how he would do it on the financial calculator and I will figure out the formula myself. Bingo! I found the source of the problem... he did not even know how that worked! Can't fix stupid.
Ahh... there goes The Throat! Thought I forgot about her huh? Nope. Just ain't heard the bitch for a few days. Thought maybe she got her flapper fixed or something. No such luck.
I want to rant on the stock market swings the last few days, but I am going to leave that alone because that is even stupider than the last guy I spoke of.
I have been told that my blogs are way to long for most of you to read so starting now I will be posting condensed versions of my stories.
Yesterday. Traffic. Guy got pissed. Brake checked. Cars scatter like Chiclets hitting the ground. Today. Walking. Lady fell. Should have seen it. (Is that better?)
Toner Boy
Influenza has to have, what I assume has to be, typhoid or malaria at this point. Her sinuses are so fucked up when she sneezes now and the pressure builds up and it sounds like a party favor when it releases after each sneeze. Aaaahhh chewwww! Followed right after by, Ssqqwweeeee... Funny ass shit. She is almost like a 3 piece band!
Cracker just busted open his 4th soda of the day before the 11 o'clock hour struck.
Mr. Obvious and Trekkie are being royal pains in the ass today as they bombard me with stupidity.
Mo had her monitor go out this morning and she called me to replace it. Once I was over there swapping it out for her she apologized for "not being considerate" last week. Just when I think I have people figured out, she goes and says shes sorry. Whatever you bitch. I hope your girlfriends tongue falls off.
Those that were nice enough to Mega Lotto prayer for me last week, I ask for your well wishes once again tonight. For those who don't want to join in... may a family of ticks take up residence in your shorts!
Don't forget fellas that Mothers Day is this weekend. Show those special ladies in your life what they have meant to you and your kids. For those of you with more than 1 special lady in your life, after counting your mother of course, all the best of luck to you on not saying the wrong name during the day as you travel from lady to lady. Makes it real hard for you to sell them on you giving them some "special day" lovin!
Penis just either had some "air in the line" when he climaxed, or just had a real chunky burp when he walked by. What the hell is this? "Get your gas out corner!" I swear... do they not see me sitting here? I am going to go into my next meeting with him and just blow ass until he wants to heave just to prove a point. My Lord.
I think Ice Shaker has ants in his pants because he has gotten up from his desk no less than 20 times today to walk out to the lobby. God only knows what in the hell he is doing, but I feel like he is running track around my cube I have seen his bald ass head go by so many times!
Working on another overworked spreadsheet with Anyway again today. Someone please help me! No? OK, then please help him get the words out. I just want to hit him on the back of the head sometimes because I think that he is stuck!
Still need that fucking bell for Wigglesworth!
One of the auditors needed help with a formula for his spreadsheet today and all I did was ask him a simple question of what factors he was using to try and get his answer. You would have thought that I had asked him who he was cheating on his wife with! There was so much deliberation and hemming and hawing going on it was not even funny. Finally I just told him to show me how he would do it on the financial calculator and I will figure out the formula myself. Bingo! I found the source of the problem... he did not even know how that worked! Can't fix stupid.
Ahh... there goes The Throat! Thought I forgot about her huh? Nope. Just ain't heard the bitch for a few days. Thought maybe she got her flapper fixed or something. No such luck.
I want to rant on the stock market swings the last few days, but I am going to leave that alone because that is even stupider than the last guy I spoke of.
I have been told that my blogs are way to long for most of you to read so starting now I will be posting condensed versions of my stories.
Yesterday. Traffic. Guy got pissed. Brake checked. Cars scatter like Chiclets hitting the ground. Today. Walking. Lady fell. Should have seen it. (Is that better?)
Toner Boy
Monday, May 3, 2010
Reality bites!
Yeah I have been hit hard with many realities this weekend, and none of them I am happy about! The most obvious one... Monday always follows Sunday. What a harsh sucky reality that is to come to grips with.
Come on... you have to put this into context because prior to this, to me, there was no difference in days of the week. When you are an 8 to 5 slob, like I am now, (Sorry to those of you have have always punched a time clock and do your work during set hours of the day. Nothing wrong with it... it is just not for me. I have always been one to enjoy what you do, and get that job done whether it took you an hour or 14. It is all about enjoying what you do. That is a job, and not work.) you come to realize that Monday is the beginning of 5 consecutively tedious days in a row. There is no pleasure, only pain. The pain of waking up at 3:00, 3:24, 4:02, 4:18, 4:35, 4:57 and 4:59 to check the clock and turn off the alarm before it goes off at 5:00, the 500 mile weekly commute during peak traffic hours, dealing with problematic simpletons for 9 hours a day who can't even master remembering a password from week to week, (The following is the part I mind the least because at least I am home. There is beer there to help cure what ails me. Nothing list sympathy in a bottle. The liquid memory eraser. An ice cold... sorry. I am making this about loved ones, and not my left field points you have come to enjoy. Oh yeah, the family is there too.) helping with homework while I try to piecemeal together a decent meal out of what I can find in the house, get the girls to bed so we can try and have a few minutes to ourselves before crashing in bed to start my adventure all over again the next day, (Come on... to watch TV and catch up on the 4 weeks worth of shows I have yet to watch, not THAT! Don't go getting all nervous and excited for me.) turn on Facebook to see that one of my many asshole friends has already commented on the show I am trying to watch so I already know what in the hell is going to happen, and then I go cry myself to sleep. I know you are jealous.
Sorry I am a little punchy today. I was up with Thunder at 3am doing a breathing treatment because she was starting to wheeze and cough, and could not go back to sleep after she was done. So I am not quite sure if this should be a Random Rant, or just another post. Screw it. I am already here. It is a post. Still going to rant though so be warned.
There are some new additions to The who's who. I don't like any of them, so don't get too excited to find yourself there at this point!
So the weekend started off in glorious fashion with a brisk 2 hour drive home on Friday night, and I should have known this was the sign of things to come. After all it was another reality of my life that I once again have come to grips with this weekend. They will give any dip shit a drivers license and I have to accept that. Reality... check. Went over to Turbo's because Rocco and Auntie were leaving in the morning to head back to Vegas so we wanted to hang out one more night before they headed home. Had some good food, a few drinks (Odd I know.), watched them pack up the car and home to bed for a good night sleep.
Little Miss is up at 2 roaming the halls, Thunder is up at 5 sounding like a squeeze toy with each breath and I feel like the heater is on in the house sweating bullets for some reason. That was some restful sleep, let me tell you! I got up and got her a breathing treatment and was awake at that point so I just went downstairs to play some poker on the computer. After all I was going a friend's house that night to play some cards, so it might not be a bad idea to see a few hands. Thunder comes down 15 mins later and hangs out with me once she is done with her treatment. Little Miss joins us about 7:30 for a full blown morning of Disney channel, poker and Webkinz in the living room. By 8am I have mixed in a mimosa for myself and egg sandwiches for the girls. Only in America can a food and entertainment combo like this exist. **OK Influenza is over there talking on her phone and sneezing at the same time. Nothing new except the fact that she tried to plug her nose when she sneezed and it sounded like a balloon with a leak! I am sure she has snot all over her fingers as well because the leaking balloon sounded like a person with a saliva problem blew it up. I can just picture her over the with one hand pinching her nose and popping snot bubbles with the other as she entertains herself!! AHAHAHA** Checked my Mega numbers and saw that there was no winner. Verified there had been no deposits to my checking account from the Lotto office so I will be back in Oakland on Monday for work. Reality.... check.
That afternoon all the girls went to do some shopping and I had run over to Turbo's to make some seafood Thai soup that I have been wanting to try. Not bad for my first go round, but I have some ideas to make it better next time for sure. I started making some Zuppa Toscona as well, but left to go play cards with the boys and Hunny finished it up with me. (Had a little taste of that one yesterday and she did a kick ass job because it was off the hook!) Drove over to Ass Clown's house and road over with him to Ducky's. After Ass Clown realized that Ducky's poker chips were still at my house from one of our poker fundraisers we called Silent but deadly to go back home and grab his chips before coming over. Not 10 minutes later Ducky says, "I hope he's got cards too." Are you shitting me? Glad you are only planning this poker game out and not the next battle plan for the war on terrorism! "OK. Did anyone bring those pictures of those bearded guys getting out of the shower that they wanted us to find? Wow. Are you sure these are them? Do they look all the same to you? Oh wait this guy has glasses. OK team, listen up. Look for a guy with a white sheet wrapped on his head, huh... they use sheets not towels. And they call us dumb? As I was saying, a black beard, wearing a another white sheet as a dress, dark skinned, and most importantly a pair of glasses. The glasses are a dead giveaway as it appears that no one else in this country wears them. No, really... look. None of these other guys in the pictures are wearing glasses. See I told you. So, shot on site. *BANG* Hmmm... nope. That's not him. OK... plan B. Hmmm.... I got nothing."
Sorry for my little detour there. So Ducky texts Silent but deadly **Another sneeze whistle. I don't know whether I should say bless you, or look for an oncoming train!** and tells him to grab some cards if he does not have any. Well luck for him he just happened to be at Hooter's at the time so he picked up a deck of their playing cards. Big mistake!! **Gross! Now a big wet reverse snort as she sucked the snot back in. Ewww!** We open the deck to a windfall of kinda sorta bikini wearing young ladies that have their fathers in a deep depression thinking about their male "friends" use them as slip 'n slides I am sure.
OK another quick left turn for my weekend full of realities here. I have never been an ultra competitive person. I enjoy a good competition and am I not a fan of loosing, but I have never been one to just piss and moan if I lost at something. (For all of you laughing right now... up yours... I was much younger then!) Nor have I sat there and bragged until your ears bled if I won. OK... maybe once in a while, but you deserved it! What I have come to realize is that ever since all of this Toner Boy life hit me, I have the attention span of a gnat and I find myself focusing less and less on coming out on top when I do things. Hell on top, bottom, the side, from behind, over the shoulder... as long as I am com....eeee... Oops. Sorry. But I really have no killer instinct at all these days and I can almost see how places like this, turn people into... well... people like this. So, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! I am being serious! At this point I will be a female fluffer after she's given up sloppy seconds to a mule! At least after I work on my gag reflex I would be having more fun than I am having here. Hook a brotha up! See... attention span of a gnat. Back to our hero... So I had this epiphany during our card game that I need to apply to my life. Not going to say what it is, but after dwelling on it for a day yesterday, (You know sort of facing the fears of what got me here, and in part changed how I treat things in turn keeping me here. Blah, blah, blah.) I have decided to that from this point on make some changes. I will let you all know what the results of these little changes are down the road. (Like any of you give a rats ass. "Just make me laugh little drummer boy!" AHAHAHA) Could be what the doctor ordered, or it could be a train wreck of epic proportions. But once again, it was... Reality... check.
Back to cards. Now this is no high stakes blood game, but still money is money these days, and it is not like any of us are living high on the hog right now. I used to go over and play cards with these guys all of the time and never walked away with less money than I had come with. These fuckers were beating on me like a drum! Sure some of it was just catching cards, but I got my ass outplayed and worked for 3 hours by these guys. Every dog has their day I know, but this has been going on for over a year now. Ducky has a challenging enough time spreading peanut butter on his bread, let alone be able to treat me like a bitch playing cards. I am not saying that he is dumb, but a Doc Holliday at the card table he is not. The first game Ass Clown once again wins the pot and I get my money back coming in second. After getting just sexually abused in the second game by Ass Clown after calling my sizeable A-Q suited pre-flop raise with his 3-5 off suite, (Yes 3-5 off suite!) he hits two pair on the flop and I catch top pair with my aces as the flop is 5-3-A. He goes all in and I call and then hits his boat on 4th street with another 5 and I got so pissed I just picked up the board and mucked my cards. About 4 seconds after I did this and everyone was having a great laugh at what just took place as he hit a boat and beat me playing those cards, I realized that I still had 2 outs that I could have hit on the river with the remaining two aces. I was not about to say anything at the time because laughter would have turned to ridicule and I was already on melt down tilt!
After cleaning my blood of off his shank (No not his parapet!) he finishes me off by hitting a miracle card on the river, and CALLS IT before it comes out. He just sticks it in and breaks it off this time. I was the asshole dealing both of these hands so I had no one to blame for the cards that were dealt but myself. So I sit and fester like an open wound while they finish out the 2nd game. Flashback to my moment of enlightenment. Insert moment here. I don't cash in the last game, but I played cards a hell of a lot better than I had all night with nothing more than rags most every hand. Ass Clown got knocked out first and that was all the satisfaction I needed not to jump from his truck on the freeway during the ride home. So down $40 bucks, up a slight buzz, (Go figure?) up a $25 Subway gift card that Ducky gave me before this beat down commenced out of the goodness of his heart and not pitty, and lastly something for me to think about we headed home. Ass Clown has sort of become my Lex Luthor in many ways over the last few years. Not to say that I am like some freaking Adonis with the Midas touch and the only way I lose is if I beat myself, (Too good not to be a pun.) but it seems no matter what we do anymore I am just his redheaded stepchild! Golf, bowling, poker. Hell even his wife has said he is servicing her better than me these days! I mean she said it was always close, because he had some of his left handed tricks that I could not pull off, but this was the last straw. Enough is enough. If you don't put the effort in, you don't get the results out. Reality... check.
I had a hell of a lot more, and it is only Saturday night at this point but my eyes are playing ping pong inside my empty head! I will wrap this up when my brain starts working again in a day or so. Going to finish my rum and Dr. Pepper and plant my face in a nice supple and welcoming mound of.... p... illow. Gotcha.
Toner Boy
Come on... you have to put this into context because prior to this, to me, there was no difference in days of the week. When you are an 8 to 5 slob, like I am now, (Sorry to those of you have have always punched a time clock and do your work during set hours of the day. Nothing wrong with it... it is just not for me. I have always been one to enjoy what you do, and get that job done whether it took you an hour or 14. It is all about enjoying what you do. That is a job, and not work.) you come to realize that Monday is the beginning of 5 consecutively tedious days in a row. There is no pleasure, only pain. The pain of waking up at 3:00, 3:24, 4:02, 4:18, 4:35, 4:57 and 4:59 to check the clock and turn off the alarm before it goes off at 5:00, the 500 mile weekly commute during peak traffic hours, dealing with problematic simpletons for 9 hours a day who can't even master remembering a password from week to week, (The following is the part I mind the least because at least I am home. There is beer there to help cure what ails me. Nothing list sympathy in a bottle. The liquid memory eraser. An ice cold... sorry. I am making this about loved ones, and not my left field points you have come to enjoy. Oh yeah, the family is there too.) helping with homework while I try to piecemeal together a decent meal out of what I can find in the house, get the girls to bed so we can try and have a few minutes to ourselves before crashing in bed to start my adventure all over again the next day, (Come on... to watch TV and catch up on the 4 weeks worth of shows I have yet to watch, not THAT! Don't go getting all nervous and excited for me.) turn on Facebook to see that one of my many asshole friends has already commented on the show I am trying to watch so I already know what in the hell is going to happen, and then I go cry myself to sleep. I know you are jealous.
Sorry I am a little punchy today. I was up with Thunder at 3am doing a breathing treatment because she was starting to wheeze and cough, and could not go back to sleep after she was done. So I am not quite sure if this should be a Random Rant, or just another post. Screw it. I am already here. It is a post. Still going to rant though so be warned.
There are some new additions to The who's who. I don't like any of them, so don't get too excited to find yourself there at this point!
So the weekend started off in glorious fashion with a brisk 2 hour drive home on Friday night, and I should have known this was the sign of things to come. After all it was another reality of my life that I once again have come to grips with this weekend. They will give any dip shit a drivers license and I have to accept that. Reality... check. Went over to Turbo's because Rocco and Auntie were leaving in the morning to head back to Vegas so we wanted to hang out one more night before they headed home. Had some good food, a few drinks (Odd I know.), watched them pack up the car and home to bed for a good night sleep.
Little Miss is up at 2 roaming the halls, Thunder is up at 5 sounding like a squeeze toy with each breath and I feel like the heater is on in the house sweating bullets for some reason. That was some restful sleep, let me tell you! I got up and got her a breathing treatment and was awake at that point so I just went downstairs to play some poker on the computer. After all I was going a friend's house that night to play some cards, so it might not be a bad idea to see a few hands. Thunder comes down 15 mins later and hangs out with me once she is done with her treatment. Little Miss joins us about 7:30 for a full blown morning of Disney channel, poker and Webkinz in the living room. By 8am I have mixed in a mimosa for myself and egg sandwiches for the girls. Only in America can a food and entertainment combo like this exist. **OK Influenza is over there talking on her phone and sneezing at the same time. Nothing new except the fact that she tried to plug her nose when she sneezed and it sounded like a balloon with a leak! I am sure she has snot all over her fingers as well because the leaking balloon sounded like a person with a saliva problem blew it up. I can just picture her over the with one hand pinching her nose and popping snot bubbles with the other as she entertains herself!! AHAHAHA** Checked my Mega numbers and saw that there was no winner. Verified there had been no deposits to my checking account from the Lotto office so I will be back in Oakland on Monday for work. Reality.... check.
That afternoon all the girls went to do some shopping and I had run over to Turbo's to make some seafood Thai soup that I have been wanting to try. Not bad for my first go round, but I have some ideas to make it better next time for sure. I started making some Zuppa Toscona as well, but left to go play cards with the boys and Hunny finished it up with me. (Had a little taste of that one yesterday and she did a kick ass job because it was off the hook!) Drove over to Ass Clown's house and road over with him to Ducky's. After Ass Clown realized that Ducky's poker chips were still at my house from one of our poker fundraisers we called Silent but deadly to go back home and grab his chips before coming over. Not 10 minutes later Ducky says, "I hope he's got cards too." Are you shitting me? Glad you are only planning this poker game out and not the next battle plan for the war on terrorism! "OK. Did anyone bring those pictures of those bearded guys getting out of the shower that they wanted us to find? Wow. Are you sure these are them? Do they look all the same to you? Oh wait this guy has glasses. OK team, listen up. Look for a guy with a white sheet wrapped on his head, huh... they use sheets not towels. And they call us dumb? As I was saying, a black beard, wearing a another white sheet as a dress, dark skinned, and most importantly a pair of glasses. The glasses are a dead giveaway as it appears that no one else in this country wears them. No, really... look. None of these other guys in the pictures are wearing glasses. See I told you. So, shot on site. *BANG* Hmmm... nope. That's not him. OK... plan B. Hmmm.... I got nothing."
Sorry for my little detour there. So Ducky texts Silent but deadly **Another sneeze whistle. I don't know whether I should say bless you, or look for an oncoming train!** and tells him to grab some cards if he does not have any. Well luck for him he just happened to be at Hooter's at the time so he picked up a deck of their playing cards. Big mistake!! **Gross! Now a big wet reverse snort as she sucked the snot back in. Ewww!** We open the deck to a windfall of kinda sorta bikini wearing young ladies that have their fathers in a deep depression thinking about their male "friends" use them as slip 'n slides I am sure.
OK another quick left turn for my weekend full of realities here. I have never been an ultra competitive person. I enjoy a good competition and am I not a fan of loosing, but I have never been one to just piss and moan if I lost at something. (For all of you laughing right now... up yours... I was much younger then!) Nor have I sat there and bragged until your ears bled if I won. OK... maybe once in a while, but you deserved it! What I have come to realize is that ever since all of this Toner Boy life hit me, I have the attention span of a gnat and I find myself focusing less and less on coming out on top when I do things. Hell on top, bottom, the side, from behind, over the shoulder... as long as I am com....eeee... Oops. Sorry. But I really have no killer instinct at all these days and I can almost see how places like this, turn people into... well... people like this. So, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! I am being serious! At this point I will be a female fluffer after she's given up sloppy seconds to a mule! At least after I work on my gag reflex I would be having more fun than I am having here. Hook a brotha up! See... attention span of a gnat. Back to our hero... So I had this epiphany during our card game that I need to apply to my life. Not going to say what it is, but after dwelling on it for a day yesterday, (You know sort of facing the fears of what got me here, and in part changed how I treat things in turn keeping me here. Blah, blah, blah.) I have decided to that from this point on make some changes. I will let you all know what the results of these little changes are down the road. (Like any of you give a rats ass. "Just make me laugh little drummer boy!" AHAHAHA) Could be what the doctor ordered, or it could be a train wreck of epic proportions. But once again, it was... Reality... check.
Back to cards. Now this is no high stakes blood game, but still money is money these days, and it is not like any of us are living high on the hog right now. I used to go over and play cards with these guys all of the time and never walked away with less money than I had come with. These fuckers were beating on me like a drum! Sure some of it was just catching cards, but I got my ass outplayed and worked for 3 hours by these guys. Every dog has their day I know, but this has been going on for over a year now. Ducky has a challenging enough time spreading peanut butter on his bread, let alone be able to treat me like a bitch playing cards. I am not saying that he is dumb, but a Doc Holliday at the card table he is not. The first game Ass Clown once again wins the pot and I get my money back coming in second. After getting just sexually abused in the second game by Ass Clown after calling my sizeable A-Q suited pre-flop raise with his 3-5 off suite, (Yes 3-5 off suite!) he hits two pair on the flop and I catch top pair with my aces as the flop is 5-3-A. He goes all in and I call and then hits his boat on 4th street with another 5 and I got so pissed I just picked up the board and mucked my cards. About 4 seconds after I did this and everyone was having a great laugh at what just took place as he hit a boat and beat me playing those cards, I realized that I still had 2 outs that I could have hit on the river with the remaining two aces. I was not about to say anything at the time because laughter would have turned to ridicule and I was already on melt down tilt!
After cleaning my blood of off his shank (No not his parapet!) he finishes me off by hitting a miracle card on the river, and CALLS IT before it comes out. He just sticks it in and breaks it off this time. I was the asshole dealing both of these hands so I had no one to blame for the cards that were dealt but myself. So I sit and fester like an open wound while they finish out the 2nd game. Flashback to my moment of enlightenment. Insert moment here. I don't cash in the last game, but I played cards a hell of a lot better than I had all night with nothing more than rags most every hand. Ass Clown got knocked out first and that was all the satisfaction I needed not to jump from his truck on the freeway during the ride home. So down $40 bucks, up a slight buzz, (Go figure?) up a $25 Subway gift card that Ducky gave me before this beat down commenced out of the goodness of his heart and not pitty, and lastly something for me to think about we headed home. Ass Clown has sort of become my Lex Luthor in many ways over the last few years. Not to say that I am like some freaking Adonis with the Midas touch and the only way I lose is if I beat myself, (Too good not to be a pun.) but it seems no matter what we do anymore I am just his redheaded stepchild! Golf, bowling, poker. Hell even his wife has said he is servicing her better than me these days! I mean she said it was always close, because he had some of his left handed tricks that I could not pull off, but this was the last straw. Enough is enough. If you don't put the effort in, you don't get the results out. Reality... check.
I had a hell of a lot more, and it is only Saturday night at this point but my eyes are playing ping pong inside my empty head! I will wrap this up when my brain starts working again in a day or so. Going to finish my rum and Dr. Pepper and plant my face in a nice supple and welcoming mound of.... p... illow. Gotcha.
Toner Boy
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