No real shock.... the Raiders are still the Raiders, and will be as long as Al still owns them. Lets face fast people. The only time we have been good in the last 19 years was a 4 year window when Al let Gruden run the show. Chucky became a cult icon and Al wanted no one to forget that the sweatsuit still owns the show. Someone please tell me who looked more confused.... Campbell figuring out how to slide feet first, or Al wearing a sweater and a jacket in balmy Tennessee? Campbell kept sitting down and I hate to tell Al that it was in the low 90's and 90% humidity!
The Ravens have Godzilla as a middle linebacker because I saw Jets crashing all over that field last night around him! Dude is straight savage and you have to be out of your mind to think that you are going to get out of 60 minutes with him unscathed! He was all over the field and there were two hits that had guys blowing snot bubbles! Trust me Greene and Keller will go into the fetal position right there in the huddle if their numbers are called to go across the middle of the field against the Ravens again in their careers. I bet you after that last hit Keller went to the sidelines and when he was asked if he was OK he came back with, 'Of course. I am Batman!' (Insert old Snickers commercial from 90's here!) Ray Lewis is a man among boys.
Not throwing jabs here, but the biggest 'WTF' of Sunday has to go to the Niners! This is a team that some people said would have home field advantage throughout the playoffs this season, and they got their asses handed to them by the Seachickens! The D did not play anywhere near their billing and they looked lost on offense. Davis's ripping of Crabtree looks well founded as he was running around like a lost puppy out there. I know everyone and their brother wants to rip Alex Smith, and to a point you should, but when your receivers routes look like the lunch bell just rang at a Latch Key class.... you try throwing to them!
I hate touted prodigies for the most part, and teams in the AFC West... but the Chiefs are for real! Between the world blowing Cassel and Haley before they had ever accomplished anything, just because they are the spawn of that voyeur Belichick, they were just instantly put on my shit list. Those kids can play some ball and will own the AFC West real quick if the other teams in the division are not on top of their game. Last night was no fluke. They can win some games and may not do it all this year. I am sure their youth will show its face from time to time and they will get gashed like the Raiders do week in and week out, but in the long run... these guys are going to be good!
The Chiefs rivals for the next few years in the AFC?? The Texans! They are big, young, strong, and fast! Johnson is the best overall receiver in the league and Schaub is no flash in the pan. With Foster running the rock, and Slaton catching passes out of the backfield in addition to that aerial attack.... ouch! Stout defense, a great owner and smart coaching staff.... yeah they are going to be a team to fear come January! Consider yourself warned.
The Pats are going to be doing things with smoke and mirrors this season, and their fans are going to have a roller coaster ride until the end. Their schedule is brutal as hell and that defense will give up more than they will stop in the long run. You know sort of like a fat hooker.... you may think it is OK to rent her for an hour because she probably has low mileage on her, but the brunt reality is she has been ridden more than Seattle Slew! Those extra LB's just make her feel like low mileage.... if you get my drift. *Wink-Wink* Doubt me now.... acknowledge me later.
Cowboys your fate is the same as the Pats. The only difference is you have 99% of the players you need to make a long run, but with a QB as bright as a port-a-potty cleaners outlook on life after clean up call from a Raiders home game.... an owner who is worse than the cast of The View when it comes to getting into peoples business.... and a coaching staff that is better suited for running a Tijuana Churro cart because the recipe won't confuse them! Yeah, my Spidey Senses don't tell me that this is a recipe for success for some reason.
Hate to say it Payton, but the Colts are done. Very simple... no Bob Saunders... no title. There are more holes that need to be filled in that defense than a gang bang at a Roman bathhouse! And you are not going to be able to throw your way through the playoffs again this season, like you did last season. The Texans are going to be your worst nightmare going forward, and your new contract extension that you want is going to kill your chance to reload. I think you are the best QB in football by a long shot, but sorry. Not going to happen this year.
Steelers are a team that I am not sold on just because of the issues with QB and what seems to be an all to often injured secondary. I mean Big Ben is doing his best to plug all the wrong holes and Troy is bound to have neck issues with all that hair! Get Ben a date, and Troy a haircut and I may have a change of heart.
J-E-T-S! Jets! Jets! Jets! Fighter Jets on defense, crop dusters on offense. Unless they can go down the field like a cop goes down on a doughnut, (Sorry Fuzz!) they are not going to be able to win games the way the Ravens did 10 years ago. I know Rex is having flashbacks of Dilfer not giving games away and Ray winning them for the Ravens with his current roster, but it is just not going to happen. Rivas is going to have a so-so year and teams are going to score just enough to force them to throw the ball. That is when the shit is going to hit the fan! Sanchez is OK, but he is not going to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat very often.
A prime example of only going as far as your leader can guide you... the Chargers. The ongoing displays of 'hissy fits' that are thrown by Rivers has tones of Ryan Leaf ringing in my ears. No I am not comparing their abilities so save your comments. I am talking about neither one of them being very tightly wrapped! Between him on offense, the HGH machine on defense, and Capt. Norm at the helm... they will do as they always do and set themselves up for failure in the playoffs. It will be the dumb call, bad penalty, or bad decision made by one of them that will lead to their downfall once again. Better luck next year. NOT!
Packers just got dealt a huge blow in losing Ryan Grant for the season, but they have enough tools to play with the big boys. Rogers is a fantasy stud without question, but lets see if that translates into big wins on the field of play before we hand them the title. I know the are the 'hot pick' this season, but coming from a Tedford system has my jumpy. Great for the highlights... so-so for the big win. Hawk and the defense are a good group that will give them lots of chances though. Rooting for them... cautiously.
Don't pin your hopes on 'Brett.... Faaaav-ra' recreating that old black magic again this season unless he has sold his soul to the devil! The numbers he put up last year were the best of his 19 career at that point, and there is no room for him to improve upon them. His wide outs consist of Bill his mechanic, Fred the doorman and his cousin Earl from Kentucky currently. Brett was a little too pigheaded to think he was going to repeat last years performance by staying home and playing catch with the kids at the local high school. They have no timing and once they do his regular batch with receivers will be back and far from football shape. Even though the defense is a stout one that will not give up a lot of points, this team is destined to be a mess by seasons end.
Who Dat? Yes, yes, yes... the Saints are good. Stop crowing. Just the feel good story of the decades at this point. Blah, blah, blah. The nuts and blots of it are simply this.... Brees plays and they will score a lot of points in their new aged 'Run & Shoot' offense. The defense is solid and will be playing with a lead most of the time that will allow them to be aggressive as they want to be. BUT, don't count your chickens just yet.... They are not going to have a turnover ratio like they did last season to take advantage of and will have to play better on the road. Their schedule is not the toughest out there and they will walk into the playoffs, but the real test will come in January for this team.
Anyone with two first names worries me. Yeah Matt Ryan has put up some good numbers since coming into the league, but after showing little fight in Week 1 against a Steelers team that was not at 100% is just a sin. They seems to have all of the parts to make a run and are the sexy pick to unseat the Saints, but...... I don't know. Something just stinks in Hotlanta and I don't think it is just the B.O.!
They were nice, but not THAT impressive. I mean the beat up on a Raiders team who I guess thought that it was still preseason when they got off the bus. CJ is a ghetto fabulous running back that I just can't get behind. He wants to take claim to the best back in the league, but up until he busted one out for 75 yards he was only averaging 3 yards a carry against the leagues worst run defense last season. He is like a poor man's Barry Sanders that can score. He in no way has the gift of jelly legs and swivel hips like Barry, but he is more of the 'enough I run the ball enough... I will break free at some point' type of guy. No real respect for that... nor a guy with a gold grill! Young is much better as a QB in the league now, but I just can't see a team running the option going real far in the NFL. Very young defense may hurt them at times in the season as well. This Titan is more of a Mermaid!
Then there are the teams not even worth my breath to bring up.... the Rams (Though there is hope in the long run!), Lions (See Rams.), Cardinals (Done), Bears (With Cutler in control? He is more psycho than Rivers!), Broncos (Hope they go 0-16!), Browns (Named after marked undies.), Bengals (Come on they will have more arrests than wins!), Giants (Is it me or does Eli always look like he is lost and needs directions?), Redskins (When he retires ABC will do a mini series - 17 NFC titles, no rings. The McNabb Story), Dolphins (Nice... but not that nice.), Jags (Come on.), Panthers, (Pussy Cats.), Bucs (Gay pirates!), Bills (They are full of bullshit.), Seahawks (Too afraid of Colonel Sanders. Plus if they won they would have the trophy stripped from Carroll's rules violations.), and the Eagles (Wings were clipped at QB and sold to Hooters!)
For the record - The rule for possession in the end zone is an absolute joke! The catch by Calvin Johnson was a catch in the eyes of common sense. I mean it would be like saying that sticking it in and pulling it right back out is not considered rape. Hell he did everything but give her the money shot! The NFL is taking the best product on the market and turning it into a 'Guiding Light' sports soap opera for men. "No. Be gentle and tag, not tackle!" or "OK. I saw two feet down but my law office really wants me to get more face time so I am going to make up some shit as I go! So you grab the ball and start wandering around like you are counting shit off and try not to laugh at me as I wing this."
My picks for the season with Week 1 in the books -
AFC West - Chargers
AFC North - Ravens
AFC South - Texans
AFC East - Pats (9-7 wins the East!)
Wild Cards - Colts, Steelers
AFC Champs - Ravens
NFC West - Does it really matter? Seahawks (8-8)
NFC North - Packers
NFC South - Saints
NFC East - Giants (Could be any of them, but just throwing this out there for Ducky! Don't be too happy... whoever wins is gone in the first round!)
Wild Cards - Redskins, Falcons (Only because they have 4 free games against the Panthers and Bucs!)
*The streak lives on that the hosting cities team will not play in the Super Bowl. Sorry Cowboys, but you are not even going to make it to the playoffs this year. On the bright side... you will have another new head coach like the Raiders will next year to blame for your short comings. Too bad it is the teams owners who are the source of the problems!!!!*
NFC Champ - Saints
Super Bowl Champs - Ravens
Raiders Record - 6-10 (Rams, Cards, Denver, Seattle, Jags and a meaningless game to KC)
Niners Record - 7-9 (Raiders, Denver, Rams, Bucs, Cards, Rams, and Cards)
There are my visions from the week that was in the NFL. Just call me the Swami!!!!
Toner Boy
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Yep, Monday the 13th.....
The lessor known and far worse day on the calendar. At least on Friday the 13th you have the weekend to recover from whatever horror was brought upon you. On Monday the 13th, you have all week to be reminded of it as you look at your co-workers!
Well I hope that every ones weekend lived up to its billing. *Crack* Wow... an early start for Cracker today. Must have been that weekend in football that has him reaching for the soda so early. You know... to settle the belly. I know that the performance of the Bay Area teams made me sick! Wow, they sucked!
Well my Monday is in full flight first thing in the morning today. First of all let me state that I am thankful to get out of the weekend with my life. Found out there is an organ snatcher on the loose. Yeah. It was texted to me. No really. We Googled it and Snooki said so. Whew....
Back to today.... Yeah here at the Colonoscopy Training Center for the Blind we are in full bore!
Trekkie came in and then beamed out for some reason known only to him. Must have been a World of Warcraft meeting he had to attend.
Obvious is being a full blown pain in my ass today. You know.... he is talking to me without a request on my part for him to do so. What da hell?
The Whisperer, Funk and Wagnalls and one of the other turd pushers are unable to push the proper keys on their keyboards as they locked themselves out of their computers this morning.
No Friends is wearing brown stretchy pants with a fuchsia skirt with what looks like bed skirts layered on it, black shoes, black shirt, brown vest and her Duraflame red hair. *Crack* (Not as bad as it appears... it has been an hour. I know Ednolb would be going into soda shock waiting that long, but it was only about 5 minutes of reading after all!)
Speaking of the devil.... Cracker just came over and told me things are not as bad as they looked for the Raiders after yesterday. I told him he was right. There are only 15 games left on the schedule, and not 16 like before. He got mad and left. What? He knows I am a Raiders fan right? Could be worse.... could be a Niners fan after this weekend. Wait Hunny, come here!
So what about the weekend that was now that I have pissed everyone off? Damn it is cold in this place. You would swear I was in an ice bath or something. No Hunny really, come back!
Friday was a great drive home. Only took 2 and a half hours. Woot-woot! I did drive by a truck-b-que that made me hungry after 2 hours. Made me crave... what was it again Infidel? Fried chicken and corn bread?
Saturday we got up early and went to the Bean Festival in the morning. Met up with much of The SC while we were there and had a good time hanging out with everyone. Our friends daughters are part of the Royal Court and they did a talent show that was a lot of fun as well. Bought some fudge from Momma Ruth at her grandparents booth while we were there. Damn good stuff I must say! In the afternoon me and McLovin went out to the tattoo shop so I could play in the poker tournament they were having and visit corn. Needless to say, like everything else, it was not my day! Played soft with AQ in the big blind and tried to nail someone to the wall VERY early in the event and hit a pair of Q's on the flop. I checked them and then spiked an A on the turn for top 2 pair. Yeah well some ass hat flopped a set of 6's and road me like Seabiscuit to the river for all my chips. Buh-bye. The only plus to the day is I got all of my artwork in place for Corn to do my next tat when he gets the time. We went back to Turbo's and had a killer dinner made by Hunny. No not 'Man Down' killer.... kick ass killer! See... told you that you could cook more than tater tots! (Can you feel the air as I try and suck up from my earlier bombs?)
Sunday we got up with the chickens to go over to After 6 and Monkey's house for the kick in the nuts, I mean kickoff to the football season. I have been to funner wakes. There was some good grub though! The fun kicked in until we ran out of ice. Then the fun really kicked in when we found out there was a real need for the ice if we wanted to live. Or at least visit Mardi Gras and live once they cut out your kidneys and liver. We also learned that texted is a noun for some of us. Others of us would rather not admit that it is a word. I am one of those people who thinks that Webster's Dictionary is on crack for saying it is! Dictionary.com from now on is the only way I fly... they are with me! When you type in texted on Dictionary.com and click search, the results come back 'Are you serious?' I like this site more than porn now. OK.... more than gay porn at least. OK... guy on guy gay porn. There. What is funny that blogger is even saying that texted is not a word as I am typing it right now! AHAHAHA Texted, texted, texted... that is some funny shit! Late addition!!!! I forgot to mention that we also learned that OJ is innocent of going Ginsu on his wife and her hump per Monkey. Yeah figure that one out!
OK now that my wife and Ednolb are no longer talking to me..... can a brother get some ice to slow the bleeding? (For those of you not laughing.... you missed-ed a moment in time that just can not be recreated! Thanks for the laughs girls!! You too McLovin... you were quick on the draw! Don't let word of that get out to the ladies though!)
Thunder is playing in her first volleyball game for the school today! Good luck and don't hurt anyone like Foo would!
Warren Buffett rules out any chance of a double dip recession with the growth of the economy. Really? Dude, not only do we NOT live in your world.... you lose more money in the dryer falling out of your pants pockets than most of us will ever see again. Keep your opinions to yourself! Ask someone looking for a job if they feel the same way. These fools need a clear dose of reality. Why do people listen to the opinions of the filthy rich? Because they are rich? What is going on in the day to day lives of us normal folks tidal waves of economic change... for them someone just skipped a penny across a glass-like pond. You have no sense of reality when you have that much money, so shut your hole and go back to Nebraska!
Keystone Cop and Corn got those new HTC Evo phones and let me tell you they are nice! The only downside that I can find to them is a just horrible battery life, even for smart phones. When will these phone companies stop teasing us and give us a phone what we can use without being attached to a wall charger at the same time? I mean if you have an iPho... hello? Are you still there? Hello?
Just went up stairs and walked past Pigpen's cube. I am guessing she attended the Bean Festival as well for some reason. Damn. I think Bean-O should sponser next years event. Just sayin....
Well like bad yeast in a loaf of bread, I once again I did not rise to the occasion.
Toner Boy
Also for those of you who have searched texted on Dictionary.com..... I thank you for giving my little joke the extra legs it deserved.
Well I hope that every ones weekend lived up to its billing. *Crack* Wow... an early start for Cracker today. Must have been that weekend in football that has him reaching for the soda so early. You know... to settle the belly. I know that the performance of the Bay Area teams made me sick! Wow, they sucked!
Well my Monday is in full flight first thing in the morning today. First of all let me state that I am thankful to get out of the weekend with my life. Found out there is an organ snatcher on the loose. Yeah. It was texted to me. No really. We Googled it and Snooki said so. Whew....
Back to today.... Yeah here at the Colonoscopy Training Center for the Blind we are in full bore!
Trekkie came in and then beamed out for some reason known only to him. Must have been a World of Warcraft meeting he had to attend.
Obvious is being a full blown pain in my ass today. You know.... he is talking to me without a request on my part for him to do so. What da hell?
The Whisperer, Funk and Wagnalls and one of the other turd pushers are unable to push the proper keys on their keyboards as they locked themselves out of their computers this morning.
No Friends is wearing brown stretchy pants with a fuchsia skirt with what looks like bed skirts layered on it, black shoes, black shirt, brown vest and her Duraflame red hair. *Crack* (Not as bad as it appears... it has been an hour. I know Ednolb would be going into soda shock waiting that long, but it was only about 5 minutes of reading after all!)
Speaking of the devil.... Cracker just came over and told me things are not as bad as they looked for the Raiders after yesterday. I told him he was right. There are only 15 games left on the schedule, and not 16 like before. He got mad and left. What? He knows I am a Raiders fan right? Could be worse.... could be a Niners fan after this weekend. Wait Hunny, come here!
So what about the weekend that was now that I have pissed everyone off? Damn it is cold in this place. You would swear I was in an ice bath or something. No Hunny really, come back!
Friday was a great drive home. Only took 2 and a half hours. Woot-woot! I did drive by a truck-b-que that made me hungry after 2 hours. Made me crave... what was it again Infidel? Fried chicken and corn bread?
Saturday we got up early and went to the Bean Festival in the morning. Met up with much of The SC while we were there and had a good time hanging out with everyone. Our friends daughters are part of the Royal Court and they did a talent show that was a lot of fun as well. Bought some fudge from Momma Ruth at her grandparents booth while we were there. Damn good stuff I must say! In the afternoon me and McLovin went out to the tattoo shop so I could play in the poker tournament they were having and visit corn. Needless to say, like everything else, it was not my day! Played soft with AQ in the big blind and tried to nail someone to the wall VERY early in the event and hit a pair of Q's on the flop. I checked them and then spiked an A on the turn for top 2 pair. Yeah well some ass hat flopped a set of 6's and road me like Seabiscuit to the river for all my chips. Buh-bye. The only plus to the day is I got all of my artwork in place for Corn to do my next tat when he gets the time. We went back to Turbo's and had a killer dinner made by Hunny. No not 'Man Down' killer.... kick ass killer! See... told you that you could cook more than tater tots! (Can you feel the air as I try and suck up from my earlier bombs?)
Sunday we got up with the chickens to go over to After 6 and Monkey's house for the kick in the nuts, I mean kickoff to the football season. I have been to funner wakes. There was some good grub though! The fun kicked in until we ran out of ice. Then the fun really kicked in when we found out there was a real need for the ice if we wanted to live. Or at least visit Mardi Gras and live once they cut out your kidneys and liver. We also learned that texted is a noun for some of us. Others of us would rather not admit that it is a word. I am one of those people who thinks that Webster's Dictionary is on crack for saying it is! Dictionary.com from now on is the only way I fly... they are with me! When you type in texted on Dictionary.com and click search, the results come back 'Are you serious?' I like this site more than porn now. OK.... more than gay porn at least. OK... guy on guy gay porn. There. What is funny that blogger is even saying that texted is not a word as I am typing it right now! AHAHAHA Texted, texted, texted... that is some funny shit! Late addition!!!! I forgot to mention that we also learned that OJ is innocent of going Ginsu on his wife and her hump per Monkey. Yeah figure that one out!
OK now that my wife and Ednolb are no longer talking to me..... can a brother get some ice to slow the bleeding? (For those of you not laughing.... you missed-ed a moment in time that just can not be recreated! Thanks for the laughs girls!! You too McLovin... you were quick on the draw! Don't let word of that get out to the ladies though!)
Thunder is playing in her first volleyball game for the school today! Good luck and don't hurt anyone like Foo would!
Warren Buffett rules out any chance of a double dip recession with the growth of the economy. Really? Dude, not only do we NOT live in your world.... you lose more money in the dryer falling out of your pants pockets than most of us will ever see again. Keep your opinions to yourself! Ask someone looking for a job if they feel the same way. These fools need a clear dose of reality. Why do people listen to the opinions of the filthy rich? Because they are rich? What is going on in the day to day lives of us normal folks tidal waves of economic change... for them someone just skipped a penny across a glass-like pond. You have no sense of reality when you have that much money, so shut your hole and go back to Nebraska!
Keystone Cop and Corn got those new HTC Evo phones and let me tell you they are nice! The only downside that I can find to them is a just horrible battery life, even for smart phones. When will these phone companies stop teasing us and give us a phone what we can use without being attached to a wall charger at the same time? I mean if you have an iPho... hello? Are you still there? Hello?
Just went up stairs and walked past Pigpen's cube. I am guessing she attended the Bean Festival as well for some reason. Damn. I think Bean-O should sponser next years event. Just sayin....
Well like bad yeast in a loaf of bread, I once again I did not rise to the occasion.
Toner Boy
Also for those of you who have searched texted on Dictionary.com..... I thank you for giving my little joke the extra legs it deserved.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Be warned.... I was bored....
Well I have nothing else to do, so I am going to do you. In the eyes at least. Well you are the ones reading this, and trust me... I am phucking you. Like my wife... you just don't know it yet, so I will remind you when I am finished. Will you tell me how much you enjoyed it at the end to make me feel good as well? Yeah... her either.
Since this place and my life are more and more like a morgue each and every day, and no one wants to hear about my life, let's talk....... hmmmm, well whatever in the hell I can come up with I guess.
*Takes a sip of coffee. Scratches himself.* Yeah I got nothin.
Sorry I am bored and you are paying the price. God as much as I would hate to be you right now reading this.... well, I am already me so you have a leg up on me. I already know my way out of this mess as I will be swinging from a tree. If I were you I would dig my eyes out with a spoon to make the pain from this blog stop!
Oh look! We got our yearly batch of spare/replacement computers delivered just now. All 9 of them???? Yeah I guess jobs are not the only things being hit hard by the economy considering we normally get 50 or so. How in the hell am I supposed to get through 12 months with 9 spare computers for over 220 users? Do you know what these dip shits do to these things? Then again if I am still working here in another 3 months, 20 days, 6 hours and 43 minutes I have much bigger problems to concern myself with. Oh well their funeral.... Or mine depending on how you look at it I guess. Remember Ass Clown you promised to come and play cards with me if the doctors can pull me through!
Oh my gawd I have never been this bored in my life! My biggest fear in life is being alone, and these days I feel like I have been living in solitary confinement for the better part of a year in a half just about every waking moment of my life. I always thought that it was strange that people freaked out when prisons placed them in solitary. I thought that if it were me I would rather be in there then deal with the scum in the jail. Well I was wrong... they would both suck!!!! Guess we are all now clear on why I drink. Before it was for fun.... now it is for need!
Got side tracked there for a minute, because now it is post-lunch hour. Thinking about walking over to our other office and working from there the rest of the day. At least that office has a view outside. Maybe that will help my gloominess???
Nope. It is just brighter over here. Not the people, the light. Still feeling like a rain cloud is over my head. Either that or I am being pissed on by flying crickets. I need to defunk. Any thoughts out there? And before you say it Fuzz I took a shower! I think Corn needs to clear the chair and get me some new ink. Yeah a little fresh color in my life is a good start! What do you say Corn? How's my credit?? AHAHA
Ice Shaker just hit his knee on his file cabinet and is rolling around in pain over there. I almost had water come out my nose I was laughing so hard!! Bet that hurt. Sucks for him.
Penis is now sitting in the cube behind me working on another computer. What is it about having 'penis' and 'behind me' combined in a sentence that bothers me?
After months of waiting for the new Kindle to come out, and then weeks of waiting for the order to finally get filled Thunder's new Kindle got delivered today. Cool huh? I just read an article on CNET that says in a few weeks Best Buy will be selling the Kindle 3 in their retail stores for the same price as well. Go figure.
I think I am going to add to my frustrations today and go home and play online poker. Nothing like getting sucked out on to finish off a good day! Then again there is truly nothing like getting suc..... sorry. Flashback.
I know... my mind is always in the gutter. I am a male. What can I say? Maybe if I had the sex drive of a Eunuch we would all get along. Then again if sex were on the table like it was during those courting years this would be much less of a problem to begin with. And the couch. And the bathroom. The stairs. The car. Kitchen counter. The floor. Yeah.....
Yeah I know. All that passion and stuff is just gross! Especially when it does not live up to the 47 smut books you have in your nightstand drawer when they depict you getting mounted by Fabio. How could we live up to that, right? Yeah I take a good read over the real thing myself. You should really check this author out.... Toner Boy. His stuff is hot!
With that.... I leave you with Ben Stiller's best line ever, "Oh, and Jack.... Pam's pregnant. Focker, OUT!" - Meet the Focker's
Toner Boy
Since this place and my life are more and more like a morgue each and every day, and no one wants to hear about my life, let's talk....... hmmmm, well whatever in the hell I can come up with I guess.
*Takes a sip of coffee. Scratches himself.* Yeah I got nothin.
Sorry I am bored and you are paying the price. God as much as I would hate to be you right now reading this.... well, I am already me so you have a leg up on me. I already know my way out of this mess as I will be swinging from a tree. If I were you I would dig my eyes out with a spoon to make the pain from this blog stop!
Oh look! We got our yearly batch of spare/replacement computers delivered just now. All 9 of them???? Yeah I guess jobs are not the only things being hit hard by the economy considering we normally get 50 or so. How in the hell am I supposed to get through 12 months with 9 spare computers for over 220 users? Do you know what these dip shits do to these things? Then again if I am still working here in another 3 months, 20 days, 6 hours and 43 minutes I have much bigger problems to concern myself with. Oh well their funeral.... Or mine depending on how you look at it I guess. Remember Ass Clown you promised to come and play cards with me if the doctors can pull me through!
Oh my gawd I have never been this bored in my life! My biggest fear in life is being alone, and these days I feel like I have been living in solitary confinement for the better part of a year in a half just about every waking moment of my life. I always thought that it was strange that people freaked out when prisons placed them in solitary. I thought that if it were me I would rather be in there then deal with the scum in the jail. Well I was wrong... they would both suck!!!! Guess we are all now clear on why I drink. Before it was for fun.... now it is for need!
Got side tracked there for a minute, because now it is post-lunch hour. Thinking about walking over to our other office and working from there the rest of the day. At least that office has a view outside. Maybe that will help my gloominess???
Nope. It is just brighter over here. Not the people, the light. Still feeling like a rain cloud is over my head. Either that or I am being pissed on by flying crickets. I need to defunk. Any thoughts out there? And before you say it Fuzz I took a shower! I think Corn needs to clear the chair and get me some new ink. Yeah a little fresh color in my life is a good start! What do you say Corn? How's my credit?? AHAHA
Ice Shaker just hit his knee on his file cabinet and is rolling around in pain over there. I almost had water come out my nose I was laughing so hard!! Bet that hurt. Sucks for him.
Penis is now sitting in the cube behind me working on another computer. What is it about having 'penis' and 'behind me' combined in a sentence that bothers me?
After months of waiting for the new Kindle to come out, and then weeks of waiting for the order to finally get filled Thunder's new Kindle got delivered today. Cool huh? I just read an article on CNET that says in a few weeks Best Buy will be selling the Kindle 3 in their retail stores for the same price as well. Go figure.
I think I am going to add to my frustrations today and go home and play online poker. Nothing like getting sucked out on to finish off a good day! Then again there is truly nothing like getting suc..... sorry. Flashback.
I know... my mind is always in the gutter. I am a male. What can I say? Maybe if I had the sex drive of a Eunuch we would all get along. Then again if sex were on the table like it was during those courting years this would be much less of a problem to begin with. And the couch. And the bathroom. The stairs. The car. Kitchen counter. The floor. Yeah.....
Yeah I know. All that passion and stuff is just gross! Especially when it does not live up to the 47 smut books you have in your nightstand drawer when they depict you getting mounted by Fabio. How could we live up to that, right? Yeah I take a good read over the real thing myself. You should really check this author out.... Toner Boy. His stuff is hot!
With that.... I leave you with Ben Stiller's best line ever, "Oh, and Jack.... Pam's pregnant. Focker, OUT!" - Meet the Focker's
Toner Boy
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Feels like a Monday....
Right back where I left off it seems. One step forward, two steps back.
WTF is it about gaining momentum these days? I thought Newton knew what the hell he was talking about?!?! Besides my belly there is nothing that I have going on that starts in motion, and remains in motion.
Speaking of which.... time to drop the L-B's and get back to the gym, or at least some road work. Me and buck 90's don't get along too well these days. There was a time when I made that number look damn good, but that time has long passed. Much more of the low 180's kind of guy these days. No need for the bulk, just cut thin to win. Too much beer and couch this year. With cool weather coming I mind getting out and exercising a lot less. God I must be getting old.
I hope everyone out there had a great, fun and safe holiday weekend. I hope you enjoyed it to its fullest, because it is the last one that we get until November! So let's cover the weekend that was...
Friday night I left work at 5 and got back into town about 7:10. This should have been my first clue! Went over to Turbo's to visit Live at 5 and Keystone Cop who were in town. Always great to see them and just hang out and catch up on the latest. Not to mention a damn good laugh!
Saturday me and the fam went over to Ass Clown's for a gathering that included Johnny Cocknozzle and Ducky. Had a great time with them for a little bit before we headed out to watch Noodle play his football game back in Tracy. They kicked ass and before getting the wind knocked out of him he caught a deep pass for a touchdown! McLovin, Albert and Ednolb were on hand as well to check out the game. Afterwards we went back over to Ass Clowns to sit and chat it up with everyone for a few hours. Great group of people and a fun time was had by all. The girls had a blast playing with all of the other kids until all hours of the night and they all got along really well. Sorry we did not do any shopping. It seems hunting season has been called off. Gasp! Thanks for the great time guys!
Sunday morning we had our fantasy football draft online with McLovin and some of the boys, before heading back out for more holiday weekend festivities. We made our way over to a BBQ in the park with the Jumper Gang and the rest of the Raider Posse for a few brews and gab. Thanks for having us out, we will have to do it again! After a quick run to the store it was time to go to The SC get together. Looking around there was a bit of an issue though..... No Ed. WTH Ed? We still love her regardless, but we did spend the first hour or two together giving her shit via text! After a few drinks and some food we wandered outside for a game of bocce on the front lawn until it got so dark that we could no longer see! Of course that just lead to the adults thought process of how capture the flag would be a great idea! Look... no one said we were bright! Chet, Paparazzi, Smut Queen, Fuzz, Hunny and myself went to the park and made injury filled asses out of ourselves! Chet did a header in the tanbark, I stepped into a knee high ditch to wrench my back, and Paparazzi went running through the rose bushes all in the name of a 0-0 tie game! Yeah... we know. Sad.
Monday was a day of recovery for the most part. Sat around the house and played a little online poker between some cooking and cleaning up. I played just enough poker to remember why I hate online poker. Bunch of donkeys. Turbo and Pops stopped by for a few minutes in the afternoon. It was open gym so we could go and watch the girls practice, so Hunny took Little Miss down to the gym and Thunder and I ran over to Fuzz's for some leftovers from the night before. Watched a little college football before heading down to the gym and baked as we watched the girls work on their routine for this season. Damn that place is hot! We look around and wondered where Thunder had vanished too. Fuzz and I walked into the parents room to find her out like a light on the couch! Guess the weekend was long for her as well. The sad part is that she had not even practiced yet. It is going to be a long night for her! But she sucked it up and had a good practice by busting out some great stunts while working with her elites base group.
Now I am back here at Wack-a-Doodle World and finding ways to entertain myself. Not always a bad thing, but it is pretty bad when 9am rolls around and you have to ask yourself, "Now what?" I would say that everyone in this place has a case of 'the weekends', but this is their energy level 24/7 for the most part! All hands are on deck I am afraid and they are being as productive as ever. This coming from a person typing his blog currently. Yeah... I am still more productive, so bite me! If I were more their speed you would have nothing to read so save your little comments... Hack. By the way, your ass shouldn't even have the time to read this! *HINT* *HINT*
What's on tap! Well lets take a look at the Toner Boy date book. OK, the computer calendar. Hmmm... phone reminders. Ahhh.... yeah. So. Who's ready for football season??? No the calendar is not all that bare. This weekend besides kickoff Sunday, the Bean Festival is in downtown. Bring gas masks, or Bean-o. Since I will not be doing any cooking in it this year, (since my sous chef moved out of town!) so we will just be doing the stroll through there on Saturday to see what everyone else has cooking. Not to mention the fact I am still ass sore over the burger cook off last year. Just sayin. Coming up I am going to do some cooking for my MIL's birthday over at Goobie's. We have Ducky's yearly golf, drink and bowl fest coming up as well. The SC is making a trip down to Disneyland in a few weeks to put those season passes to work. Game Time has a birthday in there as well, and a possible run to Tahoe for some poker thrown in there. All of that wrapped around football and getting up Halloween decorations in the next 6 weeks. Yeah baby, that's right it is Fall time! Bring it!
Mmmmm it is someones birthday and they brought cupcakes. Not bad. Not bad at all. Not like yours Turbo, but this is a pretty good lemon cupcake. Hmmm.... check that.... got milk?
This one is for Pops real quick - "Dad. Dad. Can we go fishin' dad? Can we Dad? I wanna go fishin' Dad. Dad. Dad."
There has been an unconfirmed sighting of Uncle Shartly. From what I hear it is not going to be a long sighting as he turns around and heads back out on the road this upcoming weekend. Travel safe, and bring some extra undies! Just going by the track record. You never know.
It is official... this day has hit the skids. (Don't know why Uncle Shartly brought that to mind.)
OK folks I am going to find a place to curl up and take a nap. Y'all come back now. Ya hear?
Toner Boy
WTF is it about gaining momentum these days? I thought Newton knew what the hell he was talking about?!?! Besides my belly there is nothing that I have going on that starts in motion, and remains in motion.
Speaking of which.... time to drop the L-B's and get back to the gym, or at least some road work. Me and buck 90's don't get along too well these days. There was a time when I made that number look damn good, but that time has long passed. Much more of the low 180's kind of guy these days. No need for the bulk, just cut thin to win. Too much beer and couch this year. With cool weather coming I mind getting out and exercising a lot less. God I must be getting old.
I hope everyone out there had a great, fun and safe holiday weekend. I hope you enjoyed it to its fullest, because it is the last one that we get until November! So let's cover the weekend that was...
Friday night I left work at 5 and got back into town about 7:10. This should have been my first clue! Went over to Turbo's to visit Live at 5 and Keystone Cop who were in town. Always great to see them and just hang out and catch up on the latest. Not to mention a damn good laugh!
Saturday me and the fam went over to Ass Clown's for a gathering that included Johnny Cocknozzle and Ducky. Had a great time with them for a little bit before we headed out to watch Noodle play his football game back in Tracy. They kicked ass and before getting the wind knocked out of him he caught a deep pass for a touchdown! McLovin, Albert and Ednolb were on hand as well to check out the game. Afterwards we went back over to Ass Clowns to sit and chat it up with everyone for a few hours. Great group of people and a fun time was had by all. The girls had a blast playing with all of the other kids until all hours of the night and they all got along really well. Sorry we did not do any shopping. It seems hunting season has been called off. Gasp! Thanks for the great time guys!
Sunday morning we had our fantasy football draft online with McLovin and some of the boys, before heading back out for more holiday weekend festivities. We made our way over to a BBQ in the park with the Jumper Gang and the rest of the Raider Posse for a few brews and gab. Thanks for having us out, we will have to do it again! After a quick run to the store it was time to go to The SC get together. Looking around there was a bit of an issue though..... No Ed. WTH Ed? We still love her regardless, but we did spend the first hour or two together giving her shit via text! After a few drinks and some food we wandered outside for a game of bocce on the front lawn until it got so dark that we could no longer see! Of course that just lead to the adults thought process of how capture the flag would be a great idea! Look... no one said we were bright! Chet, Paparazzi, Smut Queen, Fuzz, Hunny and myself went to the park and made injury filled asses out of ourselves! Chet did a header in the tanbark, I stepped into a knee high ditch to wrench my back, and Paparazzi went running through the rose bushes all in the name of a 0-0 tie game! Yeah... we know. Sad.
Monday was a day of recovery for the most part. Sat around the house and played a little online poker between some cooking and cleaning up. I played just enough poker to remember why I hate online poker. Bunch of donkeys. Turbo and Pops stopped by for a few minutes in the afternoon. It was open gym so we could go and watch the girls practice, so Hunny took Little Miss down to the gym and Thunder and I ran over to Fuzz's for some leftovers from the night before. Watched a little college football before heading down to the gym and baked as we watched the girls work on their routine for this season. Damn that place is hot! We look around and wondered where Thunder had vanished too. Fuzz and I walked into the parents room to find her out like a light on the couch! Guess the weekend was long for her as well. The sad part is that she had not even practiced yet. It is going to be a long night for her! But she sucked it up and had a good practice by busting out some great stunts while working with her elites base group.
Now I am back here at Wack-a-Doodle World and finding ways to entertain myself. Not always a bad thing, but it is pretty bad when 9am rolls around and you have to ask yourself, "Now what?" I would say that everyone in this place has a case of 'the weekends', but this is their energy level 24/7 for the most part! All hands are on deck I am afraid and they are being as productive as ever. This coming from a person typing his blog currently. Yeah... I am still more productive, so bite me! If I were more their speed you would have nothing to read so save your little comments... Hack. By the way, your ass shouldn't even have the time to read this! *HINT* *HINT*
What's on tap! Well lets take a look at the Toner Boy date book. OK, the computer calendar. Hmmm... phone reminders. Ahhh.... yeah. So. Who's ready for football season??? No the calendar is not all that bare. This weekend besides kickoff Sunday, the Bean Festival is in downtown. Bring gas masks, or Bean-o. Since I will not be doing any cooking in it this year, (since my sous chef moved out of town!) so we will just be doing the stroll through there on Saturday to see what everyone else has cooking. Not to mention the fact I am still ass sore over the burger cook off last year. Just sayin. Coming up I am going to do some cooking for my MIL's birthday over at Goobie's. We have Ducky's yearly golf, drink and bowl fest coming up as well. The SC is making a trip down to Disneyland in a few weeks to put those season passes to work. Game Time has a birthday in there as well, and a possible run to Tahoe for some poker thrown in there. All of that wrapped around football and getting up Halloween decorations in the next 6 weeks. Yeah baby, that's right it is Fall time! Bring it!
Mmmmm it is someones birthday and they brought cupcakes. Not bad. Not bad at all. Not like yours Turbo, but this is a pretty good lemon cupcake. Hmmm.... check that.... got milk?
This one is for Pops real quick - "Dad. Dad. Can we go fishin' dad? Can we Dad? I wanna go fishin' Dad. Dad. Dad."
There has been an unconfirmed sighting of Uncle Shartly. From what I hear it is not going to be a long sighting as he turns around and heads back out on the road this upcoming weekend. Travel safe, and bring some extra undies! Just going by the track record. You never know.
It is official... this day has hit the skids. (Don't know why Uncle Shartly brought that to mind.)
OK folks I am going to find a place to curl up and take a nap. Y'all come back now. Ya hear?
Toner Boy
Friday, September 3, 2010
Oh holy hell.....
So I walk into the office this morning and almost fall down blind because No Friends has pulled the ultimate Ronald McDonald by dying her hair.... well.... RED! No, no, no.... not smokin hot redhead red.... FIRE ENGINE RED! Hence the name No Friends! Her hair dresser has to just hate her guts to let her walk out the door looking like that!
I will say sorry from now... it is Friday... I am bored... and I am trying to do whatever I can to get this day over! So all of you... are my victims! Suck it up, and deal with it.
So a quick show of hands. How many of you are going to be willing to visit me monthly at Napa State Mental Hospital as I play with Play-Doh and boogers? Oh come on! I am sure it will be well worth the drive! You just know I will snap and start trying to change out toner in the printers or fix computers without rhyme or reason. Replacing the green toner with smashed peas while sitting on top of the printer naked yelling, "Print now! Print now!" Sticking a piece of gum under the 'Z' key so the first time the hit it it sticks and I come up behind them yelling, "Puter is tired! Go to sleep! Nappy time!" Going on the server and change all the passwords to 'notagainDummy' with a phone duct tapped to my ear and a cut off phone cord hanging down to my side saying, "What do you want your password to be this hour?"
I know Infidel would visit, just because she is sick like that! Hell she would probably make me do toe lifts while they have me strapped down to my bed with a Prozac drip running in my forehead for direct access while telling me, "Come on! Two more you sissy! Now quit drooling all over yourself and puke!"
OK.... flash back 4 months to present day. How is everyone doing today? Ready for the weekend? Thanks Ducky for making sure Dummy called me today with your 7am text about forgetting your own password. Dude, I am telling you.... it was going to happen with or without your text, but that sealed it! I am telling you this is no joke! There are 4 possible passwords that one has to use here to get into various applications and systems. I have changed at least 20 passwords for her in 2 days! Yeah... that is the same ones more than once within this daily 8 hour drool fest!
Penis proceeded to tell me how to go about getting an average when working with numbers in a spreadsheet. Really? The big number goes into the little one? No fucking way! All this time I thought 1 was 400% of 4! I'll be dipped. Guess that is why he is the chief and I am just the wee lil' Indian here. I told him that if I were confused about that to just shoot me now. Then I begged him to just get it over with and shoot me now! Still here. Rat bastard.
Looks like my dance card for the weekend is now full, if not over booked! Tonight Keystone Cop and Live at 5 are coming out for a visit to Turbo's. We might make it to the Tracy High football game to I Spy on Foo and Momma Ruth. Tomorrow Ass Clown is having a get together at his place and Noodle is playing football that night. Rocco is still going to be in town so there may very well be a to-do over at Turbo's as well, and I have our fantasy football draft first thing in the morning. Sunday we are going to an SC gathering and to TP Ed's house if she does not make it out. There is a BBQ at a high school buddies and Albert and I are going to try and hit early in the day. There is another party that friends are having that we are going to try to attend later in the night if we can. I have a couple of hunts that I need to address during that time and then things to do around the house on Monday. Damn that is a lot of shit! You know what... it is all good though. I would have it NO other way! So everyone we will see you at some point, or at least do our damn best to make it with food in hand! Hold on Hunny... it is going to be a bumpy ride! Not to mention we have a lot of running around to do! What?
OK... coffee has worn off, time has gone still, and mind has gone blank. Is this the calm before the storm? Am I shutting down? Nope. Just turning into one of them. A county employee. Nothing goes in, and nothing goes out. Your mind goes blank and you are unable to think. Nothing seems to matter and all you can see is your computer screen. There is nothing y... 'SQUIRREL' ...ou can do to stop it.
Told you I was bored.
I would like to thank New York's newest resident Tiger Woods for playing like crap today after starting him in my fantasy league this week. Guess that $54 mil you pulled out of your house so you could buy in NYC is weighing on you a bit there huh Eldrick? 3-over through 5... Hack plays better. OK... I am pulling your leg, but still. COME ON!
Preseason football is over and college football is here! Now bring on some fall weather, lets eat comfort food and get fat! Woot-Woot! (Is that how it goes Smut Queen?)
OK... well lunch is almost here so I can go take a nap. I hope nap time in Napa will be at noon as well. I am starting to get used to it and expect it!
Be safe and happy hunting!
Toner Boy
I will say sorry from now... it is Friday... I am bored... and I am trying to do whatever I can to get this day over! So all of you... are my victims! Suck it up, and deal with it.
So a quick show of hands. How many of you are going to be willing to visit me monthly at Napa State Mental Hospital as I play with Play-Doh and boogers? Oh come on! I am sure it will be well worth the drive! You just know I will snap and start trying to change out toner in the printers or fix computers without rhyme or reason. Replacing the green toner with smashed peas while sitting on top of the printer naked yelling, "Print now! Print now!" Sticking a piece of gum under the 'Z' key so the first time the hit it it sticks and I come up behind them yelling, "Puter is tired! Go to sleep! Nappy time!" Going on the server and change all the passwords to 'notagainDummy' with a phone duct tapped to my ear and a cut off phone cord hanging down to my side saying, "What do you want your password to be this hour?"
I know Infidel would visit, just because she is sick like that! Hell she would probably make me do toe lifts while they have me strapped down to my bed with a Prozac drip running in my forehead for direct access while telling me, "Come on! Two more you sissy! Now quit drooling all over yourself and puke!"
OK.... flash back 4 months to present day. How is everyone doing today? Ready for the weekend? Thanks Ducky for making sure Dummy called me today with your 7am text about forgetting your own password. Dude, I am telling you.... it was going to happen with or without your text, but that sealed it! I am telling you this is no joke! There are 4 possible passwords that one has to use here to get into various applications and systems. I have changed at least 20 passwords for her in 2 days! Yeah... that is the same ones more than once within this daily 8 hour drool fest!
Penis proceeded to tell me how to go about getting an average when working with numbers in a spreadsheet. Really? The big number goes into the little one? No fucking way! All this time I thought 1 was 400% of 4! I'll be dipped. Guess that is why he is the chief and I am just the wee lil' Indian here. I told him that if I were confused about that to just shoot me now. Then I begged him to just get it over with and shoot me now! Still here. Rat bastard.
Looks like my dance card for the weekend is now full, if not over booked! Tonight Keystone Cop and Live at 5 are coming out for a visit to Turbo's. We might make it to the Tracy High football game to I Spy on Foo and Momma Ruth. Tomorrow Ass Clown is having a get together at his place and Noodle is playing football that night. Rocco is still going to be in town so there may very well be a to-do over at Turbo's as well, and I have our fantasy football draft first thing in the morning. Sunday we are going to an SC gathering and to TP Ed's house if she does not make it out. There is a BBQ at a high school buddies and Albert and I are going to try and hit early in the day. There is another party that friends are having that we are going to try to attend later in the night if we can. I have a couple of hunts that I need to address during that time and then things to do around the house on Monday. Damn that is a lot of shit! You know what... it is all good though. I would have it NO other way! So everyone we will see you at some point, or at least do our damn best to make it with food in hand! Hold on Hunny... it is going to be a bumpy ride! Not to mention we have a lot of running around to do! What?
OK... coffee has worn off, time has gone still, and mind has gone blank. Is this the calm before the storm? Am I shutting down? Nope. Just turning into one of them. A county employee. Nothing goes in, and nothing goes out. Your mind goes blank and you are unable to think. Nothing seems to matter and all you can see is your computer screen. There is nothing y... 'SQUIRREL' ...ou can do to stop it.
Told you I was bored.
I would like to thank New York's newest resident Tiger Woods for playing like crap today after starting him in my fantasy league this week. Guess that $54 mil you pulled out of your house so you could buy in NYC is weighing on you a bit there huh Eldrick? 3-over through 5... Hack plays better. OK... I am pulling your leg, but still. COME ON!
Preseason football is over and college football is here! Now bring on some fall weather, lets eat comfort food and get fat! Woot-Woot! (Is that how it goes Smut Queen?)
OK... well lunch is almost here so I can go take a nap. I hope nap time in Napa will be at noon as well. I am starting to get used to it and expect it!
Be safe and happy hunting!
Toner Boy
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
On Safari....
Ahhh Crikey! Deep in the jungles of the Atlantis Hotel and Casino there lies an amazing creature. Let's go in for a closer look. Yes there she is the famed Diamond Cougar I have heard about. You can tell she is the leader of the pack by the tiara she has on her head. As I move in closer I can hear her talking with her pack. Listen close and let's see if we can make out what she is saying.... "What up BITCHES?"
Yes.... it was a successful hunt and the 'Bitches' were in full affect in Reno this past weekend! Now let's figure out how I got there in the first place!
Thursday I headed into the office in the morning to tell them that I did not feel good since I had already taken Friday as a vacation day. You know... put on a good front! What they did not know is my bags were packed and in the back of the car and with highway 80 within sight I was heading northeast to Reno, not back to Tracy! There was a deep stack No Limit tournament going on at the Peppermill that I could not pass up. Guess I should have!
I got up there about 11:30, and the event started at 12. Played good tight poker for the first 2 hours and was right about even in chips for the most part. After the break I came back to the table and had a couple of 'cooler' hands dealt to me that I had to fold out of to stay in the event because I got sucked out on. With less than 20% of my starting stack I got my ducks back in a row and got to where I was 3rd big stack at my table and in pretty good shape to cash overall. There were 122 people that played the event and we were just about half way through the group at this point. Then it happens.... the recreation of Ass Clown and Johnny Cocknozzle arrives.
With a pre-flop raise by another player and 2 calls ahead of me I look down to see I am holding a pair of 5's. Doing much better in chips at this point I take a chance and see a flop by calling the raise. The dealer turns over 5-A-4 with no matching suits. Nice 3 5's on the flop. The initial raiser puts in a follow up raise that is pretty small. The first caller folds and the player on my right doubles his raise over to me. Nice... one of them has to have an ace and the other maybe a big pocket pair. So I put in a pot sized raise that is about 4 times the re-raise put in by the player to my right. The initial raiser thinks about it for a while and then folds. There goes that pocket pair, right? The player to my right re-raises me once again. Now WTF? There is no way he played pocket aces that soft. Even though this guy has caught a ton of cards on draws or what have you, there is no way I am behind to him and I hope he has either 3 4's, two pair after playing a weak ace, or just think that a pair of aces is good enough to beat me. I re-raise him for about 75% of my chips. Without hesitation he puts me all in and at this point I can do nothing else but call even though I have been playing super tight and he knows it. I turn over my 3 5's and he slow rolls over a 2-3 off suit. Are you fucking me right now? Great hand, don't get me wrong, but what in the hell was he doing calling a pre-flop raise and call that was in front of him with players to his left that still had to react? Well donkey boy took all my chips since I never pair the board for my boat or hit the case 5. I am happy to report that I did see him about 2 hours later in the casino and he did not cash either. Not a big shock playing the way he was. Well I finished in 61st, right in the damn middle and they only paid out the top 12 players. To make any real money you had to at least finish in the top 7.
OK enough of cards. So Thursday came and went and Hunny, Albert and Ednolb were on their way into town. I got up and went down to the Atlantis to wait for them and hang out at the bar drinking my breakfast. No sooner they got into town here comes Hack right behind them. We all hung out for a bit and then got ready and went and grabbed some food over at the Peppermill until Keebler Elf got into town later that night. We all hung out shot the shit and laughed to Keebler Elf's dumb ass until about 2 in the morning. Headed back to our rooms and left Hack and Elf at the bar as they decided who was going to be the back spoon once they got back to their room! Last chance for me to be with a woman in her 30's, so the Mrs. was a Princess and removed any dried ink from Toner Boy's lines.
A new day in upon us and Albert and Ednolb are already up and on the move. They left us a note that they were going to her parents house and visit while they wait for her sister to get into town and join us. So Hunny and I got up and went downtown to have some breakfast at the ass crack of dawn (in her mind) and hang out down there for a while. Hack tracks us down and has breakfast with us as well as Elf is out trying to run off the effects of the night before. After a few hours we head back to our hotel and meet back up with Albert and Ednolb to play in the casino for a little bit until it is time to go get ready for dinner. What the hell happened to Elf? Low and behold here comes the little guy, with a drink in his hand and a slur in his voice! Oh my this is going to be a long night. Elf sat with me and Hack and proceeded to tell us the same story 6 times and 5 different ways for an hour while we drank until we could no longer hear what he was saying. Either that or he had started to make sense to us.
I went back to the room to get ready and I get a text from Hack telling me that Elf is passed out cold on the bed. I told him to leave him and run! Well the sissy that he is he woke him up and told him he had 5 minutes to get ready and meet us in the casino. Glad he did because the drunk little bastard was funny as hell all night! (Besides the part where he kept spilling drinks!) We went and met up with Mighty Oak and his girlfriend downtown at Roxy's for some good dinner and drinks. Just another great night of talking, laughing and hanging out with a great group of people. What more could you ask for? Well if you were in the same part of the restaurant as we were, you could be like them and ask for another table. Yeah we were loud as hell, but there was this one older man who sat right there with us and thought that we were just a group of young people having fun and he was great. The lights were also real low so you can understand how he thought that we were a group of young people and not the immature adults that we really are!
After dinner we went down to the casino and hung out and had a few drinks waiting for 12 to roll around and we could finally crown Hunny a cougar! Well not a cougar in the sense of the word that y'all are thinking.... basically I just wanted an excuse to bag her, so cougar it was! Hence the safari theme to this long ass game of Scrabble I am playing. Ednolb's sister Lefty had to get on the road BECAUSE HER DADDY WAS PICKING HER UP so they left and headed back to the hotel before my hunt was on. Once 12 rolled around we went to another bar with the rest of our motley crew to have a birthday drink, relax and listen to a cover band play for a little bit. I got the wife a night cap. You know... to impair the hunt. Went back to the hotel and left Hack and Elf to go decide their sleeping arrangements for the night once again. (Rumor has it that Elf front spooned it all weekend. Such a giver!) Went back to the room and tried to do my best Steve Irwin but once the lights in the room got turned off I realized I was without a trusty flashlight! So I improvised and went all Team Edward on her! That is right.... need to adjust in a pinch when needed to Get er Done! Like a bat.... I can see better in the dark. Lord knows I am blind as hell during the day!
Sunday morning we go up and rolling as soon as our bodies will let us. My body let me get going MUCH sooner than Hunny's, but that goes without saying. That's right. That's how I roll. We grabbed a bite to eat and heading back home after a great weekend to see family and friends who were unable to make the trip. Albert and Ednolb were kind enough to host a great party for Hunny over at their place since they have enough room for all of us and places for the kids to run around outside. Turbo did a great job busting out all of the food and cakes for everyone, and for that I once again thank her! You are the best Ma! Good food, good people and I got to see all my kids. All in all.... a DAMN good weekend!
Now I am three days into the county fair out here in Oakland, and let me tell you they are just as puuuurrrrddeeee as they were when I left. Just as dumb too. Rocco is in town visiting and he says has pepper macs waiting for me over at my mom's tonight (Right next to a cocktail I am sure!) so I am going to go hang out and eat after work. That makes the week move by SO much quicker, let me tell you.
Thank you once again to eveyone this weekend who made it out to Reno and over to Albert and Ednolb's house on Sunday. We had a great time all weekend and it was good to see everyone. Mighty Oak, Hack, Elf... it was great to see you guys again after all of this time. Well except Hack.. I see his dumb ass every few months. Albert, Ednolb, thanks for a great weekend and being great hosts after a LONG weekend! SC, glad you were in the house on Sunday. Thanks again to Turbo, Pop's and McLovin for getting everything together for Sunday. Smut Queen for her kickin fruit salad. (Yummy, yummy!) You made her birthday one that she will remember for a long time. Or at least until next year when her memory is completely shot. "Little Miss. Did you brush your teeth today?"
This weekend appears to be as up in the air as a Chinese gymnast, so I am just going to keep my mouth shut and roll with the punches. There is only one thing I know for sure.... I will be sporting the camo! With that said, have a great weekend everyone and be safe out there.
Toner Boy
Yes.... it was a successful hunt and the 'Bitches' were in full affect in Reno this past weekend! Now let's figure out how I got there in the first place!
Thursday I headed into the office in the morning to tell them that I did not feel good since I had already taken Friday as a vacation day. You know... put on a good front! What they did not know is my bags were packed and in the back of the car and with highway 80 within sight I was heading northeast to Reno, not back to Tracy! There was a deep stack No Limit tournament going on at the Peppermill that I could not pass up. Guess I should have!
I got up there about 11:30, and the event started at 12. Played good tight poker for the first 2 hours and was right about even in chips for the most part. After the break I came back to the table and had a couple of 'cooler' hands dealt to me that I had to fold out of to stay in the event because I got sucked out on. With less than 20% of my starting stack I got my ducks back in a row and got to where I was 3rd big stack at my table and in pretty good shape to cash overall. There were 122 people that played the event and we were just about half way through the group at this point. Then it happens.... the recreation of Ass Clown and Johnny Cocknozzle arrives.
With a pre-flop raise by another player and 2 calls ahead of me I look down to see I am holding a pair of 5's. Doing much better in chips at this point I take a chance and see a flop by calling the raise. The dealer turns over 5-A-4 with no matching suits. Nice 3 5's on the flop. The initial raiser puts in a follow up raise that is pretty small. The first caller folds and the player on my right doubles his raise over to me. Nice... one of them has to have an ace and the other maybe a big pocket pair. So I put in a pot sized raise that is about 4 times the re-raise put in by the player to my right. The initial raiser thinks about it for a while and then folds. There goes that pocket pair, right? The player to my right re-raises me once again. Now WTF? There is no way he played pocket aces that soft. Even though this guy has caught a ton of cards on draws or what have you, there is no way I am behind to him and I hope he has either 3 4's, two pair after playing a weak ace, or just think that a pair of aces is good enough to beat me. I re-raise him for about 75% of my chips. Without hesitation he puts me all in and at this point I can do nothing else but call even though I have been playing super tight and he knows it. I turn over my 3 5's and he slow rolls over a 2-3 off suit. Are you fucking me right now? Great hand, don't get me wrong, but what in the hell was he doing calling a pre-flop raise and call that was in front of him with players to his left that still had to react? Well donkey boy took all my chips since I never pair the board for my boat or hit the case 5. I am happy to report that I did see him about 2 hours later in the casino and he did not cash either. Not a big shock playing the way he was. Well I finished in 61st, right in the damn middle and they only paid out the top 12 players. To make any real money you had to at least finish in the top 7.
OK enough of cards. So Thursday came and went and Hunny, Albert and Ednolb were on their way into town. I got up and went down to the Atlantis to wait for them and hang out at the bar drinking my breakfast. No sooner they got into town here comes Hack right behind them. We all hung out for a bit and then got ready and went and grabbed some food over at the Peppermill until Keebler Elf got into town later that night. We all hung out shot the shit and laughed to Keebler Elf's dumb ass until about 2 in the morning. Headed back to our rooms and left Hack and Elf at the bar as they decided who was going to be the back spoon once they got back to their room! Last chance for me to be with a woman in her 30's, so the Mrs. was a Princess and removed any dried ink from Toner Boy's lines.
A new day in upon us and Albert and Ednolb are already up and on the move. They left us a note that they were going to her parents house and visit while they wait for her sister to get into town and join us. So Hunny and I got up and went downtown to have some breakfast at the ass crack of dawn (in her mind) and hang out down there for a while. Hack tracks us down and has breakfast with us as well as Elf is out trying to run off the effects of the night before. After a few hours we head back to our hotel and meet back up with Albert and Ednolb to play in the casino for a little bit until it is time to go get ready for dinner. What the hell happened to Elf? Low and behold here comes the little guy, with a drink in his hand and a slur in his voice! Oh my this is going to be a long night. Elf sat with me and Hack and proceeded to tell us the same story 6 times and 5 different ways for an hour while we drank until we could no longer hear what he was saying. Either that or he had started to make sense to us.
I went back to the room to get ready and I get a text from Hack telling me that Elf is passed out cold on the bed. I told him to leave him and run! Well the sissy that he is he woke him up and told him he had 5 minutes to get ready and meet us in the casino. Glad he did because the drunk little bastard was funny as hell all night! (Besides the part where he kept spilling drinks!) We went and met up with Mighty Oak and his girlfriend downtown at Roxy's for some good dinner and drinks. Just another great night of talking, laughing and hanging out with a great group of people. What more could you ask for? Well if you were in the same part of the restaurant as we were, you could be like them and ask for another table. Yeah we were loud as hell, but there was this one older man who sat right there with us and thought that we were just a group of young people having fun and he was great. The lights were also real low so you can understand how he thought that we were a group of young people and not the immature adults that we really are!
After dinner we went down to the casino and hung out and had a few drinks waiting for 12 to roll around and we could finally crown Hunny a cougar! Well not a cougar in the sense of the word that y'all are thinking.... basically I just wanted an excuse to bag her, so cougar it was! Hence the safari theme to this long ass game of Scrabble I am playing. Ednolb's sister Lefty had to get on the road BECAUSE HER DADDY WAS PICKING HER UP so they left and headed back to the hotel before my hunt was on. Once 12 rolled around we went to another bar with the rest of our motley crew to have a birthday drink, relax and listen to a cover band play for a little bit. I got the wife a night cap. You know... to impair the hunt. Went back to the hotel and left Hack and Elf to go decide their sleeping arrangements for the night once again. (Rumor has it that Elf front spooned it all weekend. Such a giver!) Went back to the room and tried to do my best Steve Irwin but once the lights in the room got turned off I realized I was without a trusty flashlight! So I improvised and went all Team Edward on her! That is right.... need to adjust in a pinch when needed to Get er Done! Like a bat.... I can see better in the dark. Lord knows I am blind as hell during the day!
Sunday morning we go up and rolling as soon as our bodies will let us. My body let me get going MUCH sooner than Hunny's, but that goes without saying. That's right. That's how I roll. We grabbed a bite to eat and heading back home after a great weekend to see family and friends who were unable to make the trip. Albert and Ednolb were kind enough to host a great party for Hunny over at their place since they have enough room for all of us and places for the kids to run around outside. Turbo did a great job busting out all of the food and cakes for everyone, and for that I once again thank her! You are the best Ma! Good food, good people and I got to see all my kids. All in all.... a DAMN good weekend!
Now I am three days into the county fair out here in Oakland, and let me tell you they are just as puuuurrrrddeeee as they were when I left. Just as dumb too. Rocco is in town visiting and he says has pepper macs waiting for me over at my mom's tonight (Right next to a cocktail I am sure!) so I am going to go hang out and eat after work. That makes the week move by SO much quicker, let me tell you.
Thank you once again to eveyone this weekend who made it out to Reno and over to Albert and Ednolb's house on Sunday. We had a great time all weekend and it was good to see everyone. Mighty Oak, Hack, Elf... it was great to see you guys again after all of this time. Well except Hack.. I see his dumb ass every few months. Albert, Ednolb, thanks for a great weekend and being great hosts after a LONG weekend! SC, glad you were in the house on Sunday. Thanks again to Turbo, Pop's and McLovin for getting everything together for Sunday. Smut Queen for her kickin fruit salad. (Yummy, yummy!) You made her birthday one that she will remember for a long time. Or at least until next year when her memory is completely shot. "Little Miss. Did you brush your teeth today?"
This weekend appears to be as up in the air as a Chinese gymnast, so I am just going to keep my mouth shut and roll with the punches. There is only one thing I know for sure.... I will be sporting the camo! With that said, have a great weekend everyone and be safe out there.
Toner Boy
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